Halloween treat! (Firefly)
For kengelma
"I've been out of the Abbey two days. I've beaten a lawman senseless, I've fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong. I believe…I just…I think I'm on the wrong ship."
"Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be."
―Derrial Book and Inara Serra, Ep. 1
Book eased himself down onto his bunk. His head ached more than he would admit to Inara, especially since he suspected it was as much do with the events weighing on his mind as the blow he’d taken.
“Is she right? Am I right where I’m supposed to be? When I left the Abbey, I declared I was gonna leave it to the Lord to decide where I ended up. Is this place, here with murderers and thieves and whores, where He intended me to be?
“Surely, He would not expect this of me - to have been turned from the path I was on, to have been saved by His love… Surely, He cannot expect me to wander so far from the Light again.
“Was I guided by the wrong voice? Did I allow my pride, my certainty that I would not stray from His word, tempt me into a den of darkness? Am I indeed on the wrong ship?”
Seeking an answer he seemed unable to find within himself, Book rolled gingerly off the bed and knelt to pray, “Lord, I fear I have allowed myself to be led astray? But if this is this the path you intended for me, help me understand, for I fear I am lost?”
As he finished his prayer, he thought back to the last prayer he’d prayed before venturing back out into the world. He’d asked to be made an instrument of peace where there was hatred. There was certainly hatred here, and he’d failed miserably in his first attempt to mollify it. But did one failure mean there was no hope?
“There is good in these people,” Book surmised. “Their hearts are more jaded than they are filled with hate. Can I bring them some peace? Will they listen?”
“Does it matter?” he asked himself. “I asked to be allowed to sow love where there was injury, and there is so much injury here. Can I find it in me to love them in spite of their faults? Will my love ease their hurts? Will it lead them to an understanding of Your love? Am I brave enough to find out?”
Mother Superior had said he was brave man, but, Book considered, it has been easier to be brave before he’d stepped back out into the world. Could he really have faith amongst the despair of these people? Could he give them hope in the darkness? Could he ease their sadness? Bring any measure of joy? All these things he had asked to be allowed to do.
He had asked be allowed to console, not be consoled. That he be allowed to understand, whether or not he was understood. That he be allowed to love, without seeking to be loved in return. Book could not deny that these people offered him that opportunity. But more than that, already he’d seen in some of them - not in Jayne, certainly, but in the others - a willingness to console and to try to understand and to love, despite their jaded, weary hearts.
He’d asked to be allowed to give, to be allowed to pardon so that he, too, could be pardoned. Had his Lord, indeed, given him all that he had prayed for in these people? Were they not just the sort of souls he might be able to save if he were willing to try?
Peace washed over him as he decided he must stay. He understood now. The Lord had granted his prayer, and, just as Inara has said, sent him exactly where he needed to be.
Now he must at least try to offer these people what they needed, though they did not know they needed - or perhaps even wanted - it.
In the end, he might make no difference at all, but the chance that he could made it a path worth walking, for a while at least.
The end.
My thank to radioshack84 for her speedy beta effort!
"I've been out of the Abbey two days. I've beaten a lawman senseless, I've fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong. I believe…I just…I think I'm on the wrong ship."
"Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be."
―Derrial Book and Inara Serra, Ep. 1
Book eased himself down onto his bunk. His head ached more than he would admit to Inara, especially since he suspected it was as much do with the events weighing on his mind as the blow he’d taken.
“Is she right? Am I right where I’m supposed to be? When I left the Abbey, I declared I was gonna leave it to the Lord to decide where I ended up. Is this place, here with murderers and thieves and whores, where He intended me to be?
“Surely, He would not expect this of me - to have been turned from the path I was on, to have been saved by His love… Surely, He cannot expect me to wander so far from the Light again.
“Was I guided by the wrong voice? Did I allow my pride, my certainty that I would not stray from His word, tempt me into a den of darkness? Am I indeed on the wrong ship?”
Seeking an answer he seemed unable to find within himself, Book rolled gingerly off the bed and knelt to pray, “Lord, I fear I have allowed myself to be led astray? But if this is this the path you intended for me, help me understand, for I fear I am lost?”
As he finished his prayer, he thought back to the last prayer he’d prayed before venturing back out into the world. He’d asked to be made an instrument of peace where there was hatred. There was certainly hatred here, and he’d failed miserably in his first attempt to mollify it. But did one failure mean there was no hope?
“There is good in these people,” Book surmised. “Their hearts are more jaded than they are filled with hate. Can I bring them some peace? Will they listen?”
“Does it matter?” he asked himself. “I asked to be allowed to sow love where there was injury, and there is so much injury here. Can I find it in me to love them in spite of their faults? Will my love ease their hurts? Will it lead them to an understanding of Your love? Am I brave enough to find out?”
Mother Superior had said he was brave man, but, Book considered, it has been easier to be brave before he’d stepped back out into the world. Could he really have faith amongst the despair of these people? Could he give them hope in the darkness? Could he ease their sadness? Bring any measure of joy? All these things he had asked to be allowed to do.
He had asked be allowed to console, not be consoled. That he be allowed to understand, whether or not he was understood. That he be allowed to love, without seeking to be loved in return. Book could not deny that these people offered him that opportunity. But more than that, already he’d seen in some of them - not in Jayne, certainly, but in the others - a willingness to console and to try to understand and to love, despite their jaded, weary hearts.
He’d asked to be allowed to give, to be allowed to pardon so that he, too, could be pardoned. Had his Lord, indeed, given him all that he had prayed for in these people? Were they not just the sort of souls he might be able to save if he were willing to try?
Peace washed over him as he decided he must stay. He understood now. The Lord had granted his prayer, and, just as Inara has said, sent him exactly where he needed to be.
Now he must at least try to offer these people what they needed, though they did not know they needed - or perhaps even wanted - it.
In the end, he might make no difference at all, but the chance that he could made it a path worth walking, for a while at least.
The end.
My thank to radioshack84 for her speedy beta effort!