Steps Verse: Seventh Step - To Be Selfless
Title: Seventh Step: To Be Selfless
Author: KliqzAngel
Verse: Steps Verse story #7
Actors: J2, Michael Rosenbaum, and Chad Michael Murray
Content: M/M Relationships & Sex, AU, RPS, Angst
Rating: R
Summary: Mike and Jensen plot as Chad returns from his latest film project to lend a hand. After a Jensen/Mike plan doesn’t get the reaction they expected Chad is left to mend things.
A/N: OK first off my beta is without computer access for awhile so rather than make anyone wait even longer, I am posting this now. Just remember it IS unbetad. Also I did only minor research on the medical info in this chapter, so there may be some inaccuracies. Please do remember this IS just fiction.
Jared carried Jensen into the bedroom and closed the door with his foot before laying his boyfriend onto the bed. Unable to remain standing any longer Jared collapsed on the bed pulling Jensen into him hiding his face again against his neck breathing his scent in deeply. Feeling as if Jensen’s essence was wrapping itself around Jared’s soul, the taller man rolled over pulling Jensen on top of him like a blanket hiding under him. “S’to quiet Jen,” Jared whined softly and Jensen reached for the night stand feeling for the remote for the stereo before pushing play. As the soft sounds of Kenney Chesney and Tim McGraw filled the air Jensen arranged himself until he was comfortable again while trying to act as some human shield hiding Jared from the world.
Rolling slightly running his fingers of one hand through Jared’s hair casually untangling the knots Jensen placed occasional kisses on his temple as he felt his lover breathe just enjoying the feel of him beneath him. He hadn’t slept very long and knew he needed more of it, but at the moment the only thing he cared about was the man beneath him hurting so bad he was dying inside. This was a change, one that he didn’t mind - him taking care of Jared, him soothing Jared, him making Jared ok again. He’d always thought that talking about his life would destroy him. He’d been so afraid that telling Jared would make him run screaming in the opposite direction and yet, somehow in some way that Jensen didn’t and couldn’t comprehend, he almost felt stronger for it. It was as if he was finally able to understand what he’d already come though and was for the first time able to see how close he was to winning this one man race he was in.
He could feel Jared’s arms wrapped tightly around his body as if he was scared Jensen would slip through his fingers like sand at the beach and wondered if by the time he got himself fixed they’d have Jared to repair. He’d been so wrapped up in himself the several weeks or so - he wasn’t real sure of how long he’d been back with Jared as days tended to run together for him - that he hadn’t realized how bad off Jared was. His boyfriend was running dangerously low on his reserves. Never since the day he’d met him did Jensen remember seeing Jared like this. He wished he could find the selflessness to send him away, but he couldn’t. He knew he was only this far along because Jared had dragged him there, even if Jared didn’t really know that’s what he’d done. Jensen couldn’t help but wonder what was different this time but the only answer he could come up with was Jared.
In the past people had used his addictions against him, shaming him, throwing them in his face as if he was too stupid to see they existed. Treating him like he wasn’t worth the time they were expending on him and not for a second letting him forget that he WAS an addict and how worthless that made him to them. Jared though had never not even once treated him like that. Jared made him feel like he was special. Jared never threw anything in his face, not intentionally anyway sometimes though he’d look at him with this look. It started back when they were filming the show, back when he’d finally been unable to hide his problems from his friend. Sometimes he’d come in wrecked and in no shape to work and everyone would yell and lecture. Everyone from Kim and Eric down to the lighting guy and the makeup girls would tell him how he was screwing up.
Jared though, Jared would eventually get tired of it all and make himself into some human shield stealing Jensen away until he could pull himself together. He’d bypass the trailer and find some remote spot where he could lay down usually with his head resting on Jared’s lap and sneak a few more winks. Never once did Jared say anything. Not one word. But sometimes Jensen would open his eyes and catch his friend off guard and see that look before it could be hidden. The one that said he’d fucked up, the one that showed how worried he was, the one that showed how disappointed he was. That was the one that scared the hell out of him, twisted his gut into knots until he couldn’t eat or sleep. That very look that made him want to swear it’d never happen again because he could take anything, but Jared being disappointed in him. The one person who ever really gave a fuck, even way back then he was already the only one.
And now he was broken. On the verge of shattering into a million pieces and Jensen was scared if that happened neither of them would survive. He’d heard Jared’s rant. He’d already been coming to find him when Jared had broke screaming at Mike and Jensen could only hope the fear in Mike’s eyes didn’t register with Jay later. He hadn’t realized how completely isolated he’d made Jared and Jensen had no doubt it was his fault. Their friends hadn’t cut themselves off from Jay, just Jensen. Jared though being the man he was wouldn’t have let loyalty to Jensen be compromised. In Jay’s eyes, if they cut Jensen off, they cut him off simple as that. The Chris thing was puzzling, but Jensen accepted Jared’s explanation easily enough. Something was tickling the back of his head though as if someone was missing.
“Jared where’s Chad?”
Even though Jared hadn’t been moving beneath him, Jensen felt the slight change at the mention of his friend and knew he’d hit on something important. “Jay?”
“He’s finishing his film,” Jared finally responded softly and Jensen frowned trying to hear what Jared wasn’t saying.
“So you’ve talked to him?” Jensen pushed the tickling getting louder telling him he was on the right track.
“Not since I got back,” Jared finally admitted and shrugged as if trying to play it off. “He’s busy. It’s no big deal.”
Swearing softly Jensen pushed himself up to look down at Jared’s face noting how his eyes shifted around never quite meeting his. “You two aren’t fighting about me are you?”
“NO!” Jared denied then huffed and squirmed around until he was lying on his side. Rearranging himself Jensen mirrored him so he could see his face.
“Jay what’s going on?”
“I just don’t wanna bother him ok? I mean this is his big break, if I call him he’ll at the least get distracted worrying about me or at the worst do something stupid like leave and come here.”
“Jay,” Jensen groaned hiding his face momentarily in the pillow before facing his friend again trying hopelessly to ignore the sad eyes he was getting. He reminded himself quietly of what he’d said to Mike and that Jared didn’t need a lecture from him either.
“He’s your friend Jay. Shit, he was your friend before I was. Don’t you think he’d be upset to find out you’re goin’ through all of this without him?”
“I know he would,” Jared answered frowning stubbornly. “Which is why I haven’t told him. Damnit Jen, I gave up my career for this and I don’t regret it for a second. That don’t mean though that I’ma gonna just let Chad do the same! This part is huge for him. It’s gonna make his whole career. I… I can wait. ‘Sides he’s almost done.” When Jensen just eyed him Jared rushed on not wanting his boyfriend angry with him. “I swear. I checked with his agent like yesterday. He had a day or maybe two of shooting left and he’s stopping at home then coming right here after. I told Maria that I needed him to, and she promised she’d already talked to him and booked the tickets. Our careers are in the shitters. I can deal with that. I can’t deal with Chad getting a bad rep on his first big film because I was a little girl and couldn’t take it for two seconds without him.”
Jensen wanted to argue the little girl crack as it didn’t sit well with him, but he could see the earnest honesty on his lover’s face and really didn’t want to upset him anymore. Softening his eyes Jensen ran the back of one of his fingers over Jared’s cheek watching his eyes drift shut as his face turned into the touch. Jared had done so much for him. Jensen couldn’t help but feel like the scales were tipped so unevenly Jensen would never be able to balance them again.
When Jared turned further into his touch Jensen pushed the thoughts of himself away turning his attention to his boyfriend. Since the day he’d returned Jared had been nothing but completely attentive to him giving him everything Jensen had ever wanted and more. The touching and hugging and cuddling and just the little things he’d never gotten from anyone else, and he was completely addicted to. He loved being able to just slide up to Jay and give and take anything he wanted without fear that he’d be punished or mocked for it. Jay made his insides melt and his gut twist but in a good way. He loved feeling Jared’s arms around him, he loved curling up in his lap and hoped he’d always be able to do it. He knew for the rest of his life that would be his safe place. He loved how Jared wrapped himself around him even in his sleep like a cocoon of protection against the world that seemed to only want to harm him.
Lifting his hands Jensen let them roam over Jared’s face and chest touching lazily as his eyes followed their path. Sometimes it was still hard for him to believe that this was his, that he was good enough. He doubted he’d ever get to the point where he wasn’t awed by the fact that Jared was his. At least he prayed he wouldn’t because he knew that would mean he was taking this for granted and Jared deserved so much more than that. He’d given Jensen a life and Jen would be damned if he got anything less than the entire world in return.
“How come you always smell good Jen?” Jared asked softly and Jensen couldn’t help but giggle at the thought snuggling into Jared’s embrace when those arms were wrapped around him.
“Guess cause someone knew you’d like it, baby,” Jen said smiling pressing light kisses across Jared’s shoulder. “How come your voice reminds me of Saturday afternoons with my daddy when you’re all sleepy like this rumbling and letting that drawl hang all out?”
Jared smiled at the comparison knowing there wasn’t a higher one Jen could give him. “I guess ‘cause someone wanted to make sure you had a reminder of the good things of your daddy around anytime you wanted it.”
Jensen nodded pressing his face against Jared’s neck smiling. He was loved. He was loved and he was gonna be clean. It was time, he just needed to get it done and knew Mike would be able to help him do it.
A week later Jensen was sitting on the couch with Mike talking softly going over their plans while Jared hurried around like a maniac trying to get ready for Chad’s arrival. He figured a part of him should be jealous over how excited he was to see the other man, but he couldn’t find it in him. The last week had been spend in an almost constant state of togetherness being wrapped up in each other most often doing nothing more than touching and light kisses as they whispered things back and forth. He knew it wasn’t enough. He knew Jared needed more, needed a real step forward. He’d seen him the day Mike had taken him out to score saying there was no way he was letting Jared go through that anymore and that he could watch out for Jensen as well as Jared could.
For all their togetherness it wasn’t enough though. Jensen felt like some switch had been flipped inside of him stealing the haze of addiction that had been clouding his vision and opening him to reality. For the first time in longer than Jensen was willing to try and place he found himself really looking at his lover. He took in the dark circles under his eyes and the hollowness in them no matter how Jared tried to mask it with a smile. He saw the exhaustion and stress drawing lines on his face. He saw how he’d lost weight and noticed when he himself didn’t eat well neither did Jared even if it was happening unconsciously. He felt how on edge Jared was and knew he was to blame for that, for all of it and wanted to fix it.
Jared needed more than what he was getting. Jared needed some of the weight he was carrying around to be taken off his shoulders, for one of the worries to be extinguished so that he could maybe breathe again. Jared needed their relationship to be more on even ground and that wasn’t going to happen as long as Jensen was still using. Jared needed Jensen to be strong, as strong as he’d believed in the beginning when they’d met and Jensen needed to be able to be strong for him. He needed it the way he needed air, the way he needed to see Jared every morning when he woke up for the rest of his life. It was this new knowledge that whispered to him that he was doing the right thing and it was the one whispering at him to not tell Jared what he’d planned.
Jensen and Mike’d had a huge debate as to whether or not he should tell Jared his plans, but in the end they both decided it would be better to surprise him. Jared was too stressed, didn’t need the unnecessary worry about possibly complications, needed the quiet time with Chad. They simply believed that this was something Jared just didn’t need to have to deal with. Something nagged at him in the back of his mind suggesting maybe he should rethink his decision, but as Jared rushed by with an armful of fresh sheets smiling and humming some old Zepplin tune, Jensen pushed the thought away. There was no way he was gonna ruin Jared’s good mood.
When finally Jared came in freshly showered and nibbling on his lip Jensen smiled and got up to climb into Jared’s lap as he sat in one of the big leather chairs. “Relax, Jay. Chad’s your best friend. He’ll understand.”
Jared wrinkled his nose looking down at him. “Chad is one of my best friends. What do you think you are doofus? Besides he’s gonna be mad I didn’t tell him.”
Jensen resisted the urge to say, “Well, yeah,” and instead drew out his rusty supportive smile before speaking. “Maybe, but only because he cares and I don’t think it will be mad so much as worried, ya know? Besides it’s all water under the bridge now and Chad’s smart enough to know that. I mean he’s been your friend forever, and he knows you as well or better than I do. He’s not gonna be surprised why you didn’t tell him. You just gotta be honest about it.”
Jared nodded and rested his cheek against the top of Jensen’s head before the doorbell sounded and he bounced up and away unseating Jensen hollering. “I GOT IT!”
Jensen grinned then moved back to Mike’s side as the butterflies that had been swirling around in his stomach all morning began a new flight. As determined as he was, he was still nervous and afraid. As convinced as he was that not telling Jared was the right thing, a part of him wanted him there with him, really, really wanted him there with him to reassure him. His confidence was nowhere near ready to stand on its own yet and he craved Jared’s strength to get him through this, but he kept telling himself that he’d have to draw on the knowledge that he was doing something good for the man he loved and let that keep him strong. As he watched Jared pull Chad into a monster hug, he allowed that voice to convince him once more that he was doing the right thing.
“OK so we’re off,” Mike threw out looking at his watch. They were cutting it close to the appointment time as it was. “Behave children and don’t worry, Jay, I’ll bring him home in one piece.”
Jared turned from Chad feeling his friend’s hand lingering on his waist as he studied the pair frowning. He didn’t know what they had planned. Neither would tell him, just assured him there would be no scoring of drugs involved just some guy time. Whatever it was Jared didn’t like it. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the time he was being offered with Chad, because he did. It was just that something wasn’t right. Jared knew them both well enough to know when something was going on and something was DEFINITELY going on. Jensen was fidgety and Jared noticed he hadn’t taken anything this morning even if the other man probably didn’t realize he kept track of such things. Mike was being too happy, trying too hard to be the Mike of old and at the same time using the old looking at a spot just over the shoulder trick instead of looking him in the eye. “You sure y’all don’t wanna wait a bit an’ we all c’n go? I’m sure Chad wouldn’ mind.”
Jared took in the way they both stiffened slightly and could tell they were fighting the urge to look at one another, but then Jensen came forward and wrapped his arms around his waist and kissing him making Jared forget momentarily what he was being suspicious about. “It’s no big deal Jay. Just some guy stuff ok? Nothin’ for you to worry about. We’ll be back before dinner.”
Jared nodded eyeing the clock reading the time as 8:30 AM. “Alright, if you’re sure.” Jensen nodded and rose up on his tip toes to steal another kiss before patting Chad on the chest and moving around them leaving Mike to follow.
Jared moved through the house leaving Chad to follow him so that he could watch Mike pull out of the driveway feeling Chad’s eyes on his back. “You seem awfully worried, Jay. They’re big boys. Last I checked they could take care of themselves.”
Jared snorted without turning around. “You’ve been gone awhile Chad. Things changed while you were gone. You wouldn’t sound so confident in that statement if you knew.”
“This got something to do with you looking like crap?” Chad asked and Jared winced slightly at the edge to his tone. Turning from the window, the car long gone from his sight Jared studied Chad’s face then moved to sit on the couch.
“Yeah, I suppose it does. Shit most people say I can barely take care of myself, let alone me and Jensen and now Mike too.” Jared snorted humorlessly. “I gotta say I am glad you’re back, man. Just… tell me you didn’t develop some life threatening illness while you were gone, ‘cause that’s about the only thing I ain’t dealing with right now.”
Chad resisted the urge to pounce on Jared and demand answers and instead sat at the other end of the couch turning to look at him. “What’s goin’ on, Jay?”
Jared ran long fingers through his hair nervously. “Well when I came home from the movie, I found out Jensen was living in a fuckin’ alley. He hadn’t been home in weeks probably closer to a month. He was so fucked up he barely recognized me even though I was within two foot of him. I found him buying drugs out of the back room of some fuckin’ dive bar I wouldn’t have ever pictured him in. He was so thin I was afraid he was gonna die on me right then and there and it was obvious he wasn’t eating. He obviously hadn’t bathed in most of the time he’d been on the street. So, I let him buy his drugs then brought him here. I’ve tried to keep him fed, bathed, tried to help him get his shit together without forcing him or yelling. Which I gotta tell you was not the easiest thing, but I just couldn’t do it.”
“I’ve basically been living like a damned hermit since he got here. The one time we went out I punched Welling, which got Mike’s ass kicked. Although it did get HIM to leave Tommy which is good, but now he’s here too. I know he’s trying to help and I guess he is, but…” Jared shrugs and Chad nodded carefully.
“You don’t trust him. You don’t like someone else stepping into your territory. You don’t like someone else butting in and trying to insert them self into taking care of Jensen.” When Jared nodded blushing ruefully Chad just shrugged. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed of Jay. It’s perfectly normal. You see Jensen as your responsibility and it irks you that now that you’re making progress that someone else wants to step in and try to take over. What I don’t get is why I am just finding this all out now.”
Jared sighed and studied his hands. “I knew that if I told you that you’d rush here and screw your film. I’ve put my career on hold, Jensen’s is… God I don’t wanna think about the state of Jen’s career. Mike pressed charges against Tommy so HE isn’t going to be popular with the network. One of us has to have a damn career left after this man.”
“You think I give a fuck about my career when you’re fallin’ apart, Jay?” Chad asked quietly eyes narrowing and Jared shook his head.
“No, that’s the problem damnit! I can’t be responsible for some-fucking-one else’s life, Chad! Mike likes to pull this I can take care of myself bullshit, but frankly it’s obvious he CAN’T. Tommy’s been beating the crap out of him. He flinches at even the HINT of physical contact. He doesn’t sleep and if he does he has nightmares and wakes up screaming. He’s got this complex over turning a blind eye to what Tom was doing to Jensen, which I am having trouble reminding myself not to punch him out for.”
Jared laughed hollowly again and Chad flinched at the tone. “I found out that Jensen’s basically been tortured from the second his dad died until I picked him out of that fuckin bar. His family sucks and really has no right to be called family. Michael Weatherly is a prick who gave up on him just when he was making a difference. Tom needs murdered. Jeff, Jesus I can’t believe that I ever looked up to that sadistic bastard. There’s a whole slew of photographers that I would like to put hits out on. Steve needs his balls ripped off, and Christian…”
“Christian fucking Kane is gonna get his before all this is said and done. I am gonna see to it. I STILL don’t know what the fuck happened between Steve and Jen, but after hearing what he’s put Jensen through ALREADY… man I’m gonna unload on his ass. There’s no WAY he’s not responsible for this fight between Steve and Jen. Apparently I’m like the only REAL friend Jensen’s ever had in his entire sad life and…” Jared swallows heavily his voice thick with emotion when he speaks again. “And I am scared shitless I am gonna fuck this up.”
“You ain’t gonna fuck up, Jay,” Chad reassured confidently and Jared looked at him hard.
“How can you be so fucking sure? I don’t know anything about what the hell I’m doing!”
When Chad smiled and shrugged at him Jared grunted frustrated before his friend could respond. “You love him. He loves you. You got him father than people who aren’t Chad Michael Murray thought you could. You ain’t gonna fail, Jay. You don’t ever fail at the really important things. You just keep going and keep trying until you get it right.”
Jared blushed and finally grinned happily. “Mushy damned bastard. I oughta tell all the little fangirls what a softie you are.” Chad just rolled his eyes then shifted the conversation to safer and less stressful topics.
Several hours later they two were still sitting on the couch joking around and Jared smiled at Chad punching his arm as he heard the front door open. Shoving his friend playfully Jared bounced up happy at the sounds of Mike and Jensen returning. Rounding the corner though, Jared stopped feeling Chad’s presence behind him and couldn’t stop the frown at the sight before him. Mike had Jensen’s arm looped around his neck and was struggling to keep them both upright while juggling a paper pharmacy bag and the front door. “Some help here?”
Not needing any more encouragement Jared rushed forward swooping Jensen up in his arms taking in his paleness and listlessness quickly. “Jay,” Jensen slurred slightly and Jared frowned trying to fill in the gaps as he turned and carried him to the bedroom. “Did it Jay. Did it an’ now I’m free. Free for you, Jay. Free an’ now we can run together.”
Jaw clenching painfully Jared made his way through the house laying Jensen carefully on the bed glad Jensen was so completely out of it as he simply fell asleep. Turning on his heel Jared stomped back through the house not stopping until Mike was pressed against a wall wide eyed as Chad gaped at him. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?”
“Rapid Detox Jay I swear that’s all! Relax! I know a guy at a clinic, ya know? An’ seriously, I know you mean well, but he wanted it, Jay. He needed it and it’s safe. I know you gotta have all kinds of plans an’ now you can jump to the getting better part ya know?”
“YOU HAD NO RIGHT!” Jared yelled his body shaking, eyes blazing as the emotions swirled through his mind like a hurricane. In some part of his mind he knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t help it. “You had no RIGHT! That was mine I…”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” Mike snapped growing irritated. “Jen wanted it. He wanted it done and I knew how to accomplish it. This isn’t just you, Jared. I keep saying that and I don’t think you’re listening! He’s my friend too. He needed something and I could help. So get the fuck over it!”
Slowly Jared’s eyes filled with tears as his lip trembled. “You had no right. You walked away. You had no right to take the prize.” Dropping his hands Jared turned and left the house slamming the door behind him.
Hearing Chad sigh, Mike turned his eyes to the blonde and felt the irrational annoyance at the pity he saw there. “He’s not really mad. I mean he is, and I guess at you, but it isn’t… I know you care man and so does Jay. You and I both know we are both much better experienced at this than him and you may be right. This isn’t about Jared. But…”
“But what?” Mike snapped again shoving off from the wall. “Jesus I swear he’s such a goddamned child sometimes.”
The words were barely out of his mouth before he found himself slammed against the wall again faced with the sight of a rather angry Chad Michael Murray. “You’re fucked up right now. I understand. So I am gonna be forgiving and let that slide, but just so you know, you do NOT get to take pot shots at him. And, since I am a fair guy and like you and think you really are trying to help I am gonna lay things out for you Michael.”
“This thing going on here… it’s about Jensen. We all know that. But secondly, it’s about Jensen and JARED. Not me, not you, not anyone else. It’s about THEM. See you left. The reasons why don’t matter anymore and Jared’s forgiven you for that more or less unless you keep pushing his buttons. However that doesn’t change the fact that you did it. You left. Tom left. Steve left. Christian left. Everyone left, Mikey. I went half way around the damned world for a fuckin YEAR and left Jared alone. Even though I shoulda KNOWN he’d do something like this, because honestly it’s pure Jared.”
“So we left and Jared stayed and he worried and he took crap and he planned and he hoped and he held on so goddamned tightly I’m surprised his fingers aren’t broken. He kept his eyes on the target no matter how many people tried to lay him on his ass. And that target? That target was Jensen getting clean. THAT was his first goal. Just to fuckin’ get him CLEAN. And he’s been fuckin’ KILLING HIMSELF trying to get there with Jensen still alive. And, I know, you wanted to help. I understand man I do. I honestly do. And, I am sure Jensen wanted to do something for Jared. Probably thought he was saving him from some damned ordeal. But what you DON’T SEE is that you… you just stole his target. You stole the thing from him he’d been waiting on for fuck months… years. HIM, JARED, the one who believed when we all gave up. He NEEDED to be there Mike.”
“And he wasn’t. So he’s upset and he’s lost and he’s confused, AGAIN. ‘Cause now he thinks all his carefully laid out plans are ruined. He’s so goddamned stressed he can’t see that they aren’t a damn house of cards. He can’t see that pulling one out won’t topple the whole fuckin’ thing.”
“And ya know the thing is I know why you REALLY did it. Not because you knew a guy. Not because Jensen asked. You did it because you needed to feel better about turning your back on him. As if being the fuckin’ hero to get him CLEAN would wipe out the other crap. Congratulations. You just made Jared feel like a failure. He’s been busting his ass to do something that you accomplished in 7 hours. Good Job. Cause while you needed it. Jared EARNED THE DAMNED RIGHT. He earned it by not leaving.”
“I know you meant well, Mikey, you always do. And knowing Jay it’ll be cool, ‘cause he likes you. But he’s right. You had no fucking right. Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta fix this before he does something stupid.” Mike watched Chad storm out and sighed running a hand over his face wondering how his good intentions had managed to be the wrong thing again.
Slipping out of the house, Chad spotted Jared sitting on the tailgate of his truck staring out across the street. Chad had a feeling though that he wasn’t really seeing anything. Carefully he made his way over and slid up next to him waiting patiently knowing that rushing Jared to speak wouldn’t help. His friend would speak when he was ready and not a second before. Chad wasn’t sure if it was fortunate for him or not that the wait wasn’t long.
“Do you think I am selfish?” Jared asked quietly and Chad winced before tilting his head downward letting his chin rest on his chest.
“I think you are one of the most unselfish people I know,” Chad answered honestly and sincerely. “You have every right to be upset, Jay, but you know Mike was only trying to help.” When his friend turned firey eyes on him Chad barely suppressed the urge to flinch, but managed holding Jared’s gaze until his friend finally looked away. Sighing Chad tried again speaking slowly so he could choose his words carefully. “I think that Mike had only the best of intentions, Jay. I think he always does. You know that as well as I do. I also think that he wouldn’t have done this without Jensen’s input, which means it’s more than likely that Jensen didn’t want you to know.”
“All that being said, I think it was pretty crappy of them. I think you’ve struggled until you’re about as low as I have ever seen you and I think you needed to be there. Not just because you wanted to support Jensen, but because YOU needed to see it. You needed that reassurance that it was real and he was serious. I think that Mike, while well meaning, was also not quite as selfless as he wants it to seem. I’m not saying he’s lying or being consciously manipulative, but I think he’s been under Tom’s influence for too long not to have some of it rub off without him realizing.”
“I think Mike knows he screwed Jensen over and saw this as his chance to make things right. I suppose as plans go it was a good one, because I am sure whatever ill will Jensen held against him for turning on him is gone now. The problem is that he screwed you over in the process because you were right when you said you deserved it. But Jay, I know you can’t see it now, but I promise, his… ‘help’ doesn’t come even CLOSE to what you’ve done for Jensen. And there is no one not even Jensen who could possibly think it does. You got Jensen to the point where he was able to even CONSIDER that he could be clean and DESERVED to be clean. YOU did that Jay, no one else and there ain’t anyone that can take that from you.”
“You did good Jay. You did man. YOU accomplished something that NO ONE believed was possible INCLUDING Jensen. You accomplished something MANY others have tried to do and failed miserably. You did it because you were you. And THAT, Jesus baby, no one can take away. Jensen will NEVER forget what you did for him. And he’ll NEVER stop loving you after this, baby. Never ever not in a million years. You believed in him, you loved him, you gave everything and asked for nothing back. You were the most important first in his life and he’ll never let anyone take your place, certainly not Michael Rosenbaum.”
“And that’s really what you’re afraid of isn’t it?”
Chad turned to look at Jay and felt his insides crumble at the sight of his friend’s shaking shoulders. “Damn Jay,” he swore softly before reaching over and pulling him down to lay across his chest with his face tucked into the crook of his neck. “He loves you man. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
“How can I be sure now,” Jared whispered once he’d calmed enough to be able to speak and Chad winced hoping his answer would be satisfying enough.
“You can be sure because he did this for you, Jay. You heard him when you picked him up, man. Free for you. That’s what he said. And I know all the getting sober yap about how you can’t do it for someone else and while I’m not saying that’s bullshit I don’t think it’s necessarily 100% true either. A person doesn’t get through something like what Jensen’s been living without something waiting for him, without a goal, without believing that there is something positive waiting for him on the other side. ‘Cause hell if he could he woulda been clean and sober a long time ago. You are his grand prize, Jay. He did this to be with you, and if you aren’t sure what else to believe in THAT is what you can hold onto.”
“But they said it wouldn’t work if he didn’t do it for himself,” Jay argued whispering.
Chad grunted and rolled his eyes smiling. “They also said you couldn’t do it on your own. They said you had no clue what you were doing so there was no chance you could succeed. They said that Jensen was a lost cause. They said he was on the wrong side of death’s door. And yet here we are. He’s just finished a Rapid Detox that was HIS idea. He got there because you helped him get there without rehab, without putting him down, without tough love or any of that other shit. While he may not be the poster boy for physical fitness, he’s a HELL of a lot healthier than he was the last time I saw him. He’s got a shine in his eyes man that is NOT the look of a person who is ready to lie down and die. There’s a fight there, baby. A fight that I honestly believe is for YOU. HE LOVES YOU. For the first time in his live he has this… real, tangible, solid, reciprocated relationship with someone he adores and he knows adores him back. He’s safe with you, man, and he knows that. Damn, Jay, I can’t tell you what that means. He is NOT leaving you.”
Chad could feel Jay nodding against his shoulder and was glad when he felt the deep breath his friend took before sitting up. “I guess I’ve been scared and worried so long I forgot how not to be. I miss him so much and yet sometimes…” Chad frowned cocking his head to one side almost afraid of what he was going to hear come from his friend. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever known him and if I haven’t what the hell am I missing? And then I feel guilty because fuck, Chad, I’m supposed to be the one who believes in him! What the fuck man?”
Shaking his head furiously Chad turned Jared back around to look at him. “You have GOT to give yourself a break. You’re only human, Jay and Jen love you or not, man, he’s put you through hell. But you cannot let this whole experience make you forget what you’re believing in, Jay. I know you’re at your whit’s end, but you gotta believe me when I say it’s only gonna get better from here. You’re past the hardest part, Jay. He’s clean man! You did it. What you two need now is time. Time away, time spent not in this damned house and this damned town and around all these damned memories. I know you got plans, so let’s do ‘em. Let’s get out of here. Let’s give you time to heal because YOU NEED IT AS MUCH AS JENSEN. Do not discount your part in this. You’re hurt too Jared. Let yourself find him again like you gave him time to find you. Let yourself learn to trust him again. ‘Cause you need it and he needs the chance to earn it again.”
“You don’t think I’m terrible for needing that?” Jay asked softly as if he were afraid of some invisible impending punishment.
“No, man, no way,” Chad insisted. “He had your trust once and he blew it screwed up life or not. He had it and he trashed it. I ain’t tellin’ you to make him go through hell to earn it back and I don’t think you would ever do it, but he is gonna have to work for it a little and I doubt Jensen is clueless to that fact. Give yourself a break, Jay, seriously. It’s time to let yourself off the hook.”
Chad watched Jared nod and take a deep breath before turning to flash a week and yet honest Jared smile. “I kinda think I wanna go sleep with my boyfriend now, man.” Jared admitted almost shyly and Chad grinned.
“Sure I come back after being gone for a year and all you wanna do is sleep with some pretty boy,” Chad teased watching Jared’s smile grow into a full blown grin. “I see what kinda friend you are.”
Hopping off the tailgate Jared shrugged as they headed to the house. “What can I say man. He sucks dick better than you do.”
Chad huffed and shoved him before hurring up the steps. “T M I, man, just T M I.”
Read the next step
Author: KliqzAngel
Verse: Steps Verse story #7
Actors: J2, Michael Rosenbaum, and Chad Michael Murray
Content: M/M Relationships & Sex, AU, RPS, Angst
Rating: R
Summary: Mike and Jensen plot as Chad returns from his latest film project to lend a hand. After a Jensen/Mike plan doesn’t get the reaction they expected Chad is left to mend things.
A/N: OK first off my beta is without computer access for awhile so rather than make anyone wait even longer, I am posting this now. Just remember it IS unbetad. Also I did only minor research on the medical info in this chapter, so there may be some inaccuracies. Please do remember this IS just fiction.
Jared carried Jensen into the bedroom and closed the door with his foot before laying his boyfriend onto the bed. Unable to remain standing any longer Jared collapsed on the bed pulling Jensen into him hiding his face again against his neck breathing his scent in deeply. Feeling as if Jensen’s essence was wrapping itself around Jared’s soul, the taller man rolled over pulling Jensen on top of him like a blanket hiding under him. “S’to quiet Jen,” Jared whined softly and Jensen reached for the night stand feeling for the remote for the stereo before pushing play. As the soft sounds of Kenney Chesney and Tim McGraw filled the air Jensen arranged himself until he was comfortable again while trying to act as some human shield hiding Jared from the world.
Rolling slightly running his fingers of one hand through Jared’s hair casually untangling the knots Jensen placed occasional kisses on his temple as he felt his lover breathe just enjoying the feel of him beneath him. He hadn’t slept very long and knew he needed more of it, but at the moment the only thing he cared about was the man beneath him hurting so bad he was dying inside. This was a change, one that he didn’t mind - him taking care of Jared, him soothing Jared, him making Jared ok again. He’d always thought that talking about his life would destroy him. He’d been so afraid that telling Jared would make him run screaming in the opposite direction and yet, somehow in some way that Jensen didn’t and couldn’t comprehend, he almost felt stronger for it. It was as if he was finally able to understand what he’d already come though and was for the first time able to see how close he was to winning this one man race he was in.
He could feel Jared’s arms wrapped tightly around his body as if he was scared Jensen would slip through his fingers like sand at the beach and wondered if by the time he got himself fixed they’d have Jared to repair. He’d been so wrapped up in himself the several weeks or so - he wasn’t real sure of how long he’d been back with Jared as days tended to run together for him - that he hadn’t realized how bad off Jared was. His boyfriend was running dangerously low on his reserves. Never since the day he’d met him did Jensen remember seeing Jared like this. He wished he could find the selflessness to send him away, but he couldn’t. He knew he was only this far along because Jared had dragged him there, even if Jared didn’t really know that’s what he’d done. Jensen couldn’t help but wonder what was different this time but the only answer he could come up with was Jared.
In the past people had used his addictions against him, shaming him, throwing them in his face as if he was too stupid to see they existed. Treating him like he wasn’t worth the time they were expending on him and not for a second letting him forget that he WAS an addict and how worthless that made him to them. Jared though had never not even once treated him like that. Jared made him feel like he was special. Jared never threw anything in his face, not intentionally anyway sometimes though he’d look at him with this look. It started back when they were filming the show, back when he’d finally been unable to hide his problems from his friend. Sometimes he’d come in wrecked and in no shape to work and everyone would yell and lecture. Everyone from Kim and Eric down to the lighting guy and the makeup girls would tell him how he was screwing up.
Jared though, Jared would eventually get tired of it all and make himself into some human shield stealing Jensen away until he could pull himself together. He’d bypass the trailer and find some remote spot where he could lay down usually with his head resting on Jared’s lap and sneak a few more winks. Never once did Jared say anything. Not one word. But sometimes Jensen would open his eyes and catch his friend off guard and see that look before it could be hidden. The one that said he’d fucked up, the one that showed how worried he was, the one that showed how disappointed he was. That was the one that scared the hell out of him, twisted his gut into knots until he couldn’t eat or sleep. That very look that made him want to swear it’d never happen again because he could take anything, but Jared being disappointed in him. The one person who ever really gave a fuck, even way back then he was already the only one.
And now he was broken. On the verge of shattering into a million pieces and Jensen was scared if that happened neither of them would survive. He’d heard Jared’s rant. He’d already been coming to find him when Jared had broke screaming at Mike and Jensen could only hope the fear in Mike’s eyes didn’t register with Jay later. He hadn’t realized how completely isolated he’d made Jared and Jensen had no doubt it was his fault. Their friends hadn’t cut themselves off from Jay, just Jensen. Jared though being the man he was wouldn’t have let loyalty to Jensen be compromised. In Jay’s eyes, if they cut Jensen off, they cut him off simple as that. The Chris thing was puzzling, but Jensen accepted Jared’s explanation easily enough. Something was tickling the back of his head though as if someone was missing.
“Jared where’s Chad?”
Even though Jared hadn’t been moving beneath him, Jensen felt the slight change at the mention of his friend and knew he’d hit on something important. “Jay?”
“He’s finishing his film,” Jared finally responded softly and Jensen frowned trying to hear what Jared wasn’t saying.
“So you’ve talked to him?” Jensen pushed the tickling getting louder telling him he was on the right track.
“Not since I got back,” Jared finally admitted and shrugged as if trying to play it off. “He’s busy. It’s no big deal.”
Swearing softly Jensen pushed himself up to look down at Jared’s face noting how his eyes shifted around never quite meeting his. “You two aren’t fighting about me are you?”
“NO!” Jared denied then huffed and squirmed around until he was lying on his side. Rearranging himself Jensen mirrored him so he could see his face.
“Jay what’s going on?”
“I just don’t wanna bother him ok? I mean this is his big break, if I call him he’ll at the least get distracted worrying about me or at the worst do something stupid like leave and come here.”
“Jay,” Jensen groaned hiding his face momentarily in the pillow before facing his friend again trying hopelessly to ignore the sad eyes he was getting. He reminded himself quietly of what he’d said to Mike and that Jared didn’t need a lecture from him either.
“He’s your friend Jay. Shit, he was your friend before I was. Don’t you think he’d be upset to find out you’re goin’ through all of this without him?”
“I know he would,” Jared answered frowning stubbornly. “Which is why I haven’t told him. Damnit Jen, I gave up my career for this and I don’t regret it for a second. That don’t mean though that I’ma gonna just let Chad do the same! This part is huge for him. It’s gonna make his whole career. I… I can wait. ‘Sides he’s almost done.” When Jensen just eyed him Jared rushed on not wanting his boyfriend angry with him. “I swear. I checked with his agent like yesterday. He had a day or maybe two of shooting left and he’s stopping at home then coming right here after. I told Maria that I needed him to, and she promised she’d already talked to him and booked the tickets. Our careers are in the shitters. I can deal with that. I can’t deal with Chad getting a bad rep on his first big film because I was a little girl and couldn’t take it for two seconds without him.”
Jensen wanted to argue the little girl crack as it didn’t sit well with him, but he could see the earnest honesty on his lover’s face and really didn’t want to upset him anymore. Softening his eyes Jensen ran the back of one of his fingers over Jared’s cheek watching his eyes drift shut as his face turned into the touch. Jared had done so much for him. Jensen couldn’t help but feel like the scales were tipped so unevenly Jensen would never be able to balance them again.
When Jared turned further into his touch Jensen pushed the thoughts of himself away turning his attention to his boyfriend. Since the day he’d returned Jared had been nothing but completely attentive to him giving him everything Jensen had ever wanted and more. The touching and hugging and cuddling and just the little things he’d never gotten from anyone else, and he was completely addicted to. He loved being able to just slide up to Jay and give and take anything he wanted without fear that he’d be punished or mocked for it. Jay made his insides melt and his gut twist but in a good way. He loved feeling Jared’s arms around him, he loved curling up in his lap and hoped he’d always be able to do it. He knew for the rest of his life that would be his safe place. He loved how Jared wrapped himself around him even in his sleep like a cocoon of protection against the world that seemed to only want to harm him.
Lifting his hands Jensen let them roam over Jared’s face and chest touching lazily as his eyes followed their path. Sometimes it was still hard for him to believe that this was his, that he was good enough. He doubted he’d ever get to the point where he wasn’t awed by the fact that Jared was his. At least he prayed he wouldn’t because he knew that would mean he was taking this for granted and Jared deserved so much more than that. He’d given Jensen a life and Jen would be damned if he got anything less than the entire world in return.
“How come you always smell good Jen?” Jared asked softly and Jensen couldn’t help but giggle at the thought snuggling into Jared’s embrace when those arms were wrapped around him.
“Guess cause someone knew you’d like it, baby,” Jen said smiling pressing light kisses across Jared’s shoulder. “How come your voice reminds me of Saturday afternoons with my daddy when you’re all sleepy like this rumbling and letting that drawl hang all out?”
Jared smiled at the comparison knowing there wasn’t a higher one Jen could give him. “I guess ‘cause someone wanted to make sure you had a reminder of the good things of your daddy around anytime you wanted it.”
Jensen nodded pressing his face against Jared’s neck smiling. He was loved. He was loved and he was gonna be clean. It was time, he just needed to get it done and knew Mike would be able to help him do it.
A week later Jensen was sitting on the couch with Mike talking softly going over their plans while Jared hurried around like a maniac trying to get ready for Chad’s arrival. He figured a part of him should be jealous over how excited he was to see the other man, but he couldn’t find it in him. The last week had been spend in an almost constant state of togetherness being wrapped up in each other most often doing nothing more than touching and light kisses as they whispered things back and forth. He knew it wasn’t enough. He knew Jared needed more, needed a real step forward. He’d seen him the day Mike had taken him out to score saying there was no way he was letting Jared go through that anymore and that he could watch out for Jensen as well as Jared could.
For all their togetherness it wasn’t enough though. Jensen felt like some switch had been flipped inside of him stealing the haze of addiction that had been clouding his vision and opening him to reality. For the first time in longer than Jensen was willing to try and place he found himself really looking at his lover. He took in the dark circles under his eyes and the hollowness in them no matter how Jared tried to mask it with a smile. He saw the exhaustion and stress drawing lines on his face. He saw how he’d lost weight and noticed when he himself didn’t eat well neither did Jared even if it was happening unconsciously. He felt how on edge Jared was and knew he was to blame for that, for all of it and wanted to fix it.
Jared needed more than what he was getting. Jared needed some of the weight he was carrying around to be taken off his shoulders, for one of the worries to be extinguished so that he could maybe breathe again. Jared needed their relationship to be more on even ground and that wasn’t going to happen as long as Jensen was still using. Jared needed Jensen to be strong, as strong as he’d believed in the beginning when they’d met and Jensen needed to be able to be strong for him. He needed it the way he needed air, the way he needed to see Jared every morning when he woke up for the rest of his life. It was this new knowledge that whispered to him that he was doing the right thing and it was the one whispering at him to not tell Jared what he’d planned.
Jensen and Mike’d had a huge debate as to whether or not he should tell Jared his plans, but in the end they both decided it would be better to surprise him. Jared was too stressed, didn’t need the unnecessary worry about possibly complications, needed the quiet time with Chad. They simply believed that this was something Jared just didn’t need to have to deal with. Something nagged at him in the back of his mind suggesting maybe he should rethink his decision, but as Jared rushed by with an armful of fresh sheets smiling and humming some old Zepplin tune, Jensen pushed the thought away. There was no way he was gonna ruin Jared’s good mood.
When finally Jared came in freshly showered and nibbling on his lip Jensen smiled and got up to climb into Jared’s lap as he sat in one of the big leather chairs. “Relax, Jay. Chad’s your best friend. He’ll understand.”
Jared wrinkled his nose looking down at him. “Chad is one of my best friends. What do you think you are doofus? Besides he’s gonna be mad I didn’t tell him.”
Jensen resisted the urge to say, “Well, yeah,” and instead drew out his rusty supportive smile before speaking. “Maybe, but only because he cares and I don’t think it will be mad so much as worried, ya know? Besides it’s all water under the bridge now and Chad’s smart enough to know that. I mean he’s been your friend forever, and he knows you as well or better than I do. He’s not gonna be surprised why you didn’t tell him. You just gotta be honest about it.”
Jared nodded and rested his cheek against the top of Jensen’s head before the doorbell sounded and he bounced up and away unseating Jensen hollering. “I GOT IT!”
Jensen grinned then moved back to Mike’s side as the butterflies that had been swirling around in his stomach all morning began a new flight. As determined as he was, he was still nervous and afraid. As convinced as he was that not telling Jared was the right thing, a part of him wanted him there with him, really, really wanted him there with him to reassure him. His confidence was nowhere near ready to stand on its own yet and he craved Jared’s strength to get him through this, but he kept telling himself that he’d have to draw on the knowledge that he was doing something good for the man he loved and let that keep him strong. As he watched Jared pull Chad into a monster hug, he allowed that voice to convince him once more that he was doing the right thing.
“OK so we’re off,” Mike threw out looking at his watch. They were cutting it close to the appointment time as it was. “Behave children and don’t worry, Jay, I’ll bring him home in one piece.”
Jared turned from Chad feeling his friend’s hand lingering on his waist as he studied the pair frowning. He didn’t know what they had planned. Neither would tell him, just assured him there would be no scoring of drugs involved just some guy time. Whatever it was Jared didn’t like it. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the time he was being offered with Chad, because he did. It was just that something wasn’t right. Jared knew them both well enough to know when something was going on and something was DEFINITELY going on. Jensen was fidgety and Jared noticed he hadn’t taken anything this morning even if the other man probably didn’t realize he kept track of such things. Mike was being too happy, trying too hard to be the Mike of old and at the same time using the old looking at a spot just over the shoulder trick instead of looking him in the eye. “You sure y’all don’t wanna wait a bit an’ we all c’n go? I’m sure Chad wouldn’ mind.”
Jared took in the way they both stiffened slightly and could tell they were fighting the urge to look at one another, but then Jensen came forward and wrapped his arms around his waist and kissing him making Jared forget momentarily what he was being suspicious about. “It’s no big deal Jay. Just some guy stuff ok? Nothin’ for you to worry about. We’ll be back before dinner.”
Jared nodded eyeing the clock reading the time as 8:30 AM. “Alright, if you’re sure.” Jensen nodded and rose up on his tip toes to steal another kiss before patting Chad on the chest and moving around them leaving Mike to follow.
Jared moved through the house leaving Chad to follow him so that he could watch Mike pull out of the driveway feeling Chad’s eyes on his back. “You seem awfully worried, Jay. They’re big boys. Last I checked they could take care of themselves.”
Jared snorted without turning around. “You’ve been gone awhile Chad. Things changed while you were gone. You wouldn’t sound so confident in that statement if you knew.”
“This got something to do with you looking like crap?” Chad asked and Jared winced slightly at the edge to his tone. Turning from the window, the car long gone from his sight Jared studied Chad’s face then moved to sit on the couch.
“Yeah, I suppose it does. Shit most people say I can barely take care of myself, let alone me and Jensen and now Mike too.” Jared snorted humorlessly. “I gotta say I am glad you’re back, man. Just… tell me you didn’t develop some life threatening illness while you were gone, ‘cause that’s about the only thing I ain’t dealing with right now.”
Chad resisted the urge to pounce on Jared and demand answers and instead sat at the other end of the couch turning to look at him. “What’s goin’ on, Jay?”
Jared ran long fingers through his hair nervously. “Well when I came home from the movie, I found out Jensen was living in a fuckin’ alley. He hadn’t been home in weeks probably closer to a month. He was so fucked up he barely recognized me even though I was within two foot of him. I found him buying drugs out of the back room of some fuckin’ dive bar I wouldn’t have ever pictured him in. He was so thin I was afraid he was gonna die on me right then and there and it was obvious he wasn’t eating. He obviously hadn’t bathed in most of the time he’d been on the street. So, I let him buy his drugs then brought him here. I’ve tried to keep him fed, bathed, tried to help him get his shit together without forcing him or yelling. Which I gotta tell you was not the easiest thing, but I just couldn’t do it.”
“I’ve basically been living like a damned hermit since he got here. The one time we went out I punched Welling, which got Mike’s ass kicked. Although it did get HIM to leave Tommy which is good, but now he’s here too. I know he’s trying to help and I guess he is, but…” Jared shrugs and Chad nodded carefully.
“You don’t trust him. You don’t like someone else stepping into your territory. You don’t like someone else butting in and trying to insert them self into taking care of Jensen.” When Jared nodded blushing ruefully Chad just shrugged. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed of Jay. It’s perfectly normal. You see Jensen as your responsibility and it irks you that now that you’re making progress that someone else wants to step in and try to take over. What I don’t get is why I am just finding this all out now.”
Jared sighed and studied his hands. “I knew that if I told you that you’d rush here and screw your film. I’ve put my career on hold, Jensen’s is… God I don’t wanna think about the state of Jen’s career. Mike pressed charges against Tommy so HE isn’t going to be popular with the network. One of us has to have a damn career left after this man.”
“You think I give a fuck about my career when you’re fallin’ apart, Jay?” Chad asked quietly eyes narrowing and Jared shook his head.
“No, that’s the problem damnit! I can’t be responsible for some-fucking-one else’s life, Chad! Mike likes to pull this I can take care of myself bullshit, but frankly it’s obvious he CAN’T. Tommy’s been beating the crap out of him. He flinches at even the HINT of physical contact. He doesn’t sleep and if he does he has nightmares and wakes up screaming. He’s got this complex over turning a blind eye to what Tom was doing to Jensen, which I am having trouble reminding myself not to punch him out for.”
Jared laughed hollowly again and Chad flinched at the tone. “I found out that Jensen’s basically been tortured from the second his dad died until I picked him out of that fuckin bar. His family sucks and really has no right to be called family. Michael Weatherly is a prick who gave up on him just when he was making a difference. Tom needs murdered. Jeff, Jesus I can’t believe that I ever looked up to that sadistic bastard. There’s a whole slew of photographers that I would like to put hits out on. Steve needs his balls ripped off, and Christian…”
“Christian fucking Kane is gonna get his before all this is said and done. I am gonna see to it. I STILL don’t know what the fuck happened between Steve and Jen, but after hearing what he’s put Jensen through ALREADY… man I’m gonna unload on his ass. There’s no WAY he’s not responsible for this fight between Steve and Jen. Apparently I’m like the only REAL friend Jensen’s ever had in his entire sad life and…” Jared swallows heavily his voice thick with emotion when he speaks again. “And I am scared shitless I am gonna fuck this up.”
“You ain’t gonna fuck up, Jay,” Chad reassured confidently and Jared looked at him hard.
“How can you be so fucking sure? I don’t know anything about what the hell I’m doing!”
When Chad smiled and shrugged at him Jared grunted frustrated before his friend could respond. “You love him. He loves you. You got him father than people who aren’t Chad Michael Murray thought you could. You ain’t gonna fail, Jay. You don’t ever fail at the really important things. You just keep going and keep trying until you get it right.”
Jared blushed and finally grinned happily. “Mushy damned bastard. I oughta tell all the little fangirls what a softie you are.” Chad just rolled his eyes then shifted the conversation to safer and less stressful topics.
Several hours later they two were still sitting on the couch joking around and Jared smiled at Chad punching his arm as he heard the front door open. Shoving his friend playfully Jared bounced up happy at the sounds of Mike and Jensen returning. Rounding the corner though, Jared stopped feeling Chad’s presence behind him and couldn’t stop the frown at the sight before him. Mike had Jensen’s arm looped around his neck and was struggling to keep them both upright while juggling a paper pharmacy bag and the front door. “Some help here?”
Not needing any more encouragement Jared rushed forward swooping Jensen up in his arms taking in his paleness and listlessness quickly. “Jay,” Jensen slurred slightly and Jared frowned trying to fill in the gaps as he turned and carried him to the bedroom. “Did it Jay. Did it an’ now I’m free. Free for you, Jay. Free an’ now we can run together.”
Jaw clenching painfully Jared made his way through the house laying Jensen carefully on the bed glad Jensen was so completely out of it as he simply fell asleep. Turning on his heel Jared stomped back through the house not stopping until Mike was pressed against a wall wide eyed as Chad gaped at him. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?”
“Rapid Detox Jay I swear that’s all! Relax! I know a guy at a clinic, ya know? An’ seriously, I know you mean well, but he wanted it, Jay. He needed it and it’s safe. I know you gotta have all kinds of plans an’ now you can jump to the getting better part ya know?”
“YOU HAD NO RIGHT!” Jared yelled his body shaking, eyes blazing as the emotions swirled through his mind like a hurricane. In some part of his mind he knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t help it. “You had no RIGHT! That was mine I…”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” Mike snapped growing irritated. “Jen wanted it. He wanted it done and I knew how to accomplish it. This isn’t just you, Jared. I keep saying that and I don’t think you’re listening! He’s my friend too. He needed something and I could help. So get the fuck over it!”
Slowly Jared’s eyes filled with tears as his lip trembled. “You had no right. You walked away. You had no right to take the prize.” Dropping his hands Jared turned and left the house slamming the door behind him.
Hearing Chad sigh, Mike turned his eyes to the blonde and felt the irrational annoyance at the pity he saw there. “He’s not really mad. I mean he is, and I guess at you, but it isn’t… I know you care man and so does Jay. You and I both know we are both much better experienced at this than him and you may be right. This isn’t about Jared. But…”
“But what?” Mike snapped again shoving off from the wall. “Jesus I swear he’s such a goddamned child sometimes.”
The words were barely out of his mouth before he found himself slammed against the wall again faced with the sight of a rather angry Chad Michael Murray. “You’re fucked up right now. I understand. So I am gonna be forgiving and let that slide, but just so you know, you do NOT get to take pot shots at him. And, since I am a fair guy and like you and think you really are trying to help I am gonna lay things out for you Michael.”
“This thing going on here… it’s about Jensen. We all know that. But secondly, it’s about Jensen and JARED. Not me, not you, not anyone else. It’s about THEM. See you left. The reasons why don’t matter anymore and Jared’s forgiven you for that more or less unless you keep pushing his buttons. However that doesn’t change the fact that you did it. You left. Tom left. Steve left. Christian left. Everyone left, Mikey. I went half way around the damned world for a fuckin YEAR and left Jared alone. Even though I shoulda KNOWN he’d do something like this, because honestly it’s pure Jared.”
“So we left and Jared stayed and he worried and he took crap and he planned and he hoped and he held on so goddamned tightly I’m surprised his fingers aren’t broken. He kept his eyes on the target no matter how many people tried to lay him on his ass. And that target? That target was Jensen getting clean. THAT was his first goal. Just to fuckin’ get him CLEAN. And he’s been fuckin’ KILLING HIMSELF trying to get there with Jensen still alive. And, I know, you wanted to help. I understand man I do. I honestly do. And, I am sure Jensen wanted to do something for Jared. Probably thought he was saving him from some damned ordeal. But what you DON’T SEE is that you… you just stole his target. You stole the thing from him he’d been waiting on for fuck months… years. HIM, JARED, the one who believed when we all gave up. He NEEDED to be there Mike.”
“And he wasn’t. So he’s upset and he’s lost and he’s confused, AGAIN. ‘Cause now he thinks all his carefully laid out plans are ruined. He’s so goddamned stressed he can’t see that they aren’t a damn house of cards. He can’t see that pulling one out won’t topple the whole fuckin’ thing.”
“And ya know the thing is I know why you REALLY did it. Not because you knew a guy. Not because Jensen asked. You did it because you needed to feel better about turning your back on him. As if being the fuckin’ hero to get him CLEAN would wipe out the other crap. Congratulations. You just made Jared feel like a failure. He’s been busting his ass to do something that you accomplished in 7 hours. Good Job. Cause while you needed it. Jared EARNED THE DAMNED RIGHT. He earned it by not leaving.”
“I know you meant well, Mikey, you always do. And knowing Jay it’ll be cool, ‘cause he likes you. But he’s right. You had no fucking right. Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta fix this before he does something stupid.” Mike watched Chad storm out and sighed running a hand over his face wondering how his good intentions had managed to be the wrong thing again.
Slipping out of the house, Chad spotted Jared sitting on the tailgate of his truck staring out across the street. Chad had a feeling though that he wasn’t really seeing anything. Carefully he made his way over and slid up next to him waiting patiently knowing that rushing Jared to speak wouldn’t help. His friend would speak when he was ready and not a second before. Chad wasn’t sure if it was fortunate for him or not that the wait wasn’t long.
“Do you think I am selfish?” Jared asked quietly and Chad winced before tilting his head downward letting his chin rest on his chest.
“I think you are one of the most unselfish people I know,” Chad answered honestly and sincerely. “You have every right to be upset, Jay, but you know Mike was only trying to help.” When his friend turned firey eyes on him Chad barely suppressed the urge to flinch, but managed holding Jared’s gaze until his friend finally looked away. Sighing Chad tried again speaking slowly so he could choose his words carefully. “I think that Mike had only the best of intentions, Jay. I think he always does. You know that as well as I do. I also think that he wouldn’t have done this without Jensen’s input, which means it’s more than likely that Jensen didn’t want you to know.”
“All that being said, I think it was pretty crappy of them. I think you’ve struggled until you’re about as low as I have ever seen you and I think you needed to be there. Not just because you wanted to support Jensen, but because YOU needed to see it. You needed that reassurance that it was real and he was serious. I think that Mike, while well meaning, was also not quite as selfless as he wants it to seem. I’m not saying he’s lying or being consciously manipulative, but I think he’s been under Tom’s influence for too long not to have some of it rub off without him realizing.”
“I think Mike knows he screwed Jensen over and saw this as his chance to make things right. I suppose as plans go it was a good one, because I am sure whatever ill will Jensen held against him for turning on him is gone now. The problem is that he screwed you over in the process because you were right when you said you deserved it. But Jay, I know you can’t see it now, but I promise, his… ‘help’ doesn’t come even CLOSE to what you’ve done for Jensen. And there is no one not even Jensen who could possibly think it does. You got Jensen to the point where he was able to even CONSIDER that he could be clean and DESERVED to be clean. YOU did that Jay, no one else and there ain’t anyone that can take that from you.”
“You did good Jay. You did man. YOU accomplished something that NO ONE believed was possible INCLUDING Jensen. You accomplished something MANY others have tried to do and failed miserably. You did it because you were you. And THAT, Jesus baby, no one can take away. Jensen will NEVER forget what you did for him. And he’ll NEVER stop loving you after this, baby. Never ever not in a million years. You believed in him, you loved him, you gave everything and asked for nothing back. You were the most important first in his life and he’ll never let anyone take your place, certainly not Michael Rosenbaum.”
“And that’s really what you’re afraid of isn’t it?”
Chad turned to look at Jay and felt his insides crumble at the sight of his friend’s shaking shoulders. “Damn Jay,” he swore softly before reaching over and pulling him down to lay across his chest with his face tucked into the crook of his neck. “He loves you man. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
“How can I be sure now,” Jared whispered once he’d calmed enough to be able to speak and Chad winced hoping his answer would be satisfying enough.
“You can be sure because he did this for you, Jay. You heard him when you picked him up, man. Free for you. That’s what he said. And I know all the getting sober yap about how you can’t do it for someone else and while I’m not saying that’s bullshit I don’t think it’s necessarily 100% true either. A person doesn’t get through something like what Jensen’s been living without something waiting for him, without a goal, without believing that there is something positive waiting for him on the other side. ‘Cause hell if he could he woulda been clean and sober a long time ago. You are his grand prize, Jay. He did this to be with you, and if you aren’t sure what else to believe in THAT is what you can hold onto.”
“But they said it wouldn’t work if he didn’t do it for himself,” Jay argued whispering.
Chad grunted and rolled his eyes smiling. “They also said you couldn’t do it on your own. They said you had no clue what you were doing so there was no chance you could succeed. They said that Jensen was a lost cause. They said he was on the wrong side of death’s door. And yet here we are. He’s just finished a Rapid Detox that was HIS idea. He got there because you helped him get there without rehab, without putting him down, without tough love or any of that other shit. While he may not be the poster boy for physical fitness, he’s a HELL of a lot healthier than he was the last time I saw him. He’s got a shine in his eyes man that is NOT the look of a person who is ready to lie down and die. There’s a fight there, baby. A fight that I honestly believe is for YOU. HE LOVES YOU. For the first time in his live he has this… real, tangible, solid, reciprocated relationship with someone he adores and he knows adores him back. He’s safe with you, man, and he knows that. Damn, Jay, I can’t tell you what that means. He is NOT leaving you.”
Chad could feel Jay nodding against his shoulder and was glad when he felt the deep breath his friend took before sitting up. “I guess I’ve been scared and worried so long I forgot how not to be. I miss him so much and yet sometimes…” Chad frowned cocking his head to one side almost afraid of what he was going to hear come from his friend. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever known him and if I haven’t what the hell am I missing? And then I feel guilty because fuck, Chad, I’m supposed to be the one who believes in him! What the fuck man?”
Shaking his head furiously Chad turned Jared back around to look at him. “You have GOT to give yourself a break. You’re only human, Jay and Jen love you or not, man, he’s put you through hell. But you cannot let this whole experience make you forget what you’re believing in, Jay. I know you’re at your whit’s end, but you gotta believe me when I say it’s only gonna get better from here. You’re past the hardest part, Jay. He’s clean man! You did it. What you two need now is time. Time away, time spent not in this damned house and this damned town and around all these damned memories. I know you got plans, so let’s do ‘em. Let’s get out of here. Let’s give you time to heal because YOU NEED IT AS MUCH AS JENSEN. Do not discount your part in this. You’re hurt too Jared. Let yourself find him again like you gave him time to find you. Let yourself learn to trust him again. ‘Cause you need it and he needs the chance to earn it again.”
“You don’t think I’m terrible for needing that?” Jay asked softly as if he were afraid of some invisible impending punishment.
“No, man, no way,” Chad insisted. “He had your trust once and he blew it screwed up life or not. He had it and he trashed it. I ain’t tellin’ you to make him go through hell to earn it back and I don’t think you would ever do it, but he is gonna have to work for it a little and I doubt Jensen is clueless to that fact. Give yourself a break, Jay, seriously. It’s time to let yourself off the hook.”
Chad watched Jared nod and take a deep breath before turning to flash a week and yet honest Jared smile. “I kinda think I wanna go sleep with my boyfriend now, man.” Jared admitted almost shyly and Chad grinned.
“Sure I come back after being gone for a year and all you wanna do is sleep with some pretty boy,” Chad teased watching Jared’s smile grow into a full blown grin. “I see what kinda friend you are.”
Hopping off the tailgate Jared shrugged as they headed to the house. “What can I say man. He sucks dick better than you do.”
Chad huffed and shoved him before hurring up the steps. “T M I, man, just T M I.”
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