The Wanderer, The Dreamer, & The Brokenhearted - Jared/Chris/Steve Prologue/5 + Epilogue
Jared stood on the beach, tattooed arms crossed over his chest, gazing unseeing out at the never ending expanse of water in front of him. Somewhere to his left he could hear Chad and Genevieve bickering, but it was faint, as if they were a long way away instead of only a few feet. He stared at the gulf as if hypnotized; almost wishing it would give him the answers he sought to his life.
Would he ever be able to stop wandering? Would he ever be able to find a place where the three of them could belong and call home? Would he ever find the love and acceptance he's craved most of his life? Would he ever be able to let down his guard and be able to rest, knowing that it was safe to let someone else watch over him if only for a moment.
Jared was tired down to the bottom of his soul. He was tired of running. He was tired of having the weight of other people's lives always on his shoulders. He'd been thrust from his home at a point in his life when most kids were worrying about getting their driver's licenses and arguing with their parents about dating. Kicking him out hadn't really been all that tough of a decision for his rich country club guardians.
Their choices were either be faced with the humiliation of admitting to their equally rich country club friends that the child they saw more of as a possession than a human being was not just a rebellious teenager, but a rebellious gay out and proud teenager or just kick him out of their lives and pretend that he never really existed. When he'd left town the next morning, one of his eyes swelled shut, lip fat and split, and ribs bruised and probably cracked but neither of them had the experience to tell, he had no one but Chad by his side, but he wasn't all that surprised or upset either.
Jared wished that he could say that he'd clued in quickly, but he hadn't. Most of the crap that they had gone through had been in his opinion caused by his lack of "getting with the program" quick enough to keep them out of trouble. He knew he'd made bad decisions for them, but Chad, the always the supportive side kick never laid the blame at Jared's feet that he deserved, or felt he deserved.
"It is, what it is Jayman," Chad would say as calm as ever. "There hasn't ever been a decision you made that I didn't willingly back you up on. I ain't no damn puppet. I know how to say no, an' I know how to decide for myself when shit is wrong. I'm here for the same reason I'm always here. You're more my brother than my best friend, and I'm the one who has your back."
It was hard for Jared to argue with that, but his guilt never let up. He considered it his responsibility to get them to someplace better, and he would be damned if he'd stop fightin' for it before they got to it. Some days however, it seemed as though it was mission impossible. He had angry bikers on their ass, he had FBI men who wanted his cooperation and they hadn't had any real place to call home since they left their mansions, only layovers that lasted longer than others. He wanted a life for them. He wanted a real honest life for them, not this on the run lifestyle they'd had since Jared had been kicked out. . He wanted fights that didn't mean losing everything they had. He wanted acceptance and laughter and forever. He wanted love.
He wanted the things every other human being on the earth was allowed, but for some reason he had always been denied. Slowly, Jared exhaled the smoke from the cigarette dangling by his hand before dropping the butt into the sand, feeling Chad come up beside him.
"What's up JT? You make a decision yet on where we're headed?" Chad asked turning to face him. "Yeah," Jared replied softly, almost reluctantly. In truth Jared decided several weeks back where they would be going next, he just wasn't sure he trusted his decision. The thing was it all seemed too easy, but regardless he wanted it.
Jared thought about the conversation he'd had with his old cell mate Jason Manns before they'd left their last resting place. Jason, as always, was trying to convince him to give his friends a shot.
"You'd like it there, Jay." Jason offered softly, unconcerned with the noise of the convicts behind him. "And I know you like Steve already, so don't even try to pull bullshit with me."
Jared sighed running long fingers through unruly hair. "I don't understand you, man. Why you tryin' so damned hard to get a guy like me with someone like Steve. He's a good guy. Ain't never done half of the shit you an' I've done. If he was my buddy I'd be tellin' creeps like us to stay the fuck away from him."
"Yeah well," Jason huffed turning to growl at the pipsqueak behind him, one of Jason's buddies staring evil eyed at the thugs standing behind said pipsqueak warning them to stay out of it. "For a genius you're quite a dumbass. You an' I may've had more than one run in with Johnny Law, but that doesn't make us hardened criminals like most of the freaks in here. Yeah, we make some fuckin' bad decisions, but most of the time we're tryin' to do the right thing with not a whole lot to work with."
"I trust you with Steve, and for that matter I trust you with Chris and hell even Jenny too. You'll protect 'em and you'll help me keep my shit together when I get out. You'll make the right decisions because all you've ever needed was a break."
Sighing Jared heard Jason snap at someone before he came back to the line. "OK look I gotta wrap this up, but seriously, Jay. This is your chance. This is the break you've always wanted and always deserved. I trust my friends with you and I trust you with them. Be that man you've always wanted to be Jay, an' fuck the rest of the world. Be there when I get out, 'cause you know damned well I could use someone who gets it when I get back."
"Don't let me down, Jay."
And that was what really sealed it for him. Jason was probably only the second true friend he'd ever had in his life. After Chad, Jared knew Jason was right there. Jared knew deep down that Jason had his back. Jared would cut off his own arm if Chad needed it, and he saw no reason to do differently for Jason. Friends were the only family he had in this fucked up world, so, who was he to turn down a simple request from a friend only trying to give him something he'd been waiting for since his real family died.
Looking down at the sand his boots were slowly sinking into, Jared let his mind wander momentarily. He thought about being little and running around the beach barefoot, digging his toes into the cool wet sand, listening to his mamma call after him, his big brother chasing him, and shrieking when his daddy threw him over his shoulder running him into the surf. Jared wished he could still do happy silly things like that.
Before he'd left home and had been still attending school, there had been this kid who had called him a spoiled rich kid. He looked at Jared's clothes and the address he lived at and figured he knew all he needed to know. He'd said that Jared didn't know anything about what real people went though, didn't know what normal kids went though on a daily basis when you couldn't take for granted that you'd have money for just anything that came up. Jared had wanted to counter that most kids didn't know what it was like to be the only person left in your family at the age of 10, but he didn't bother. He'd always understood that people had preconceived notions of him and that there wasn't much he could do about it.
Sometimes when he closed his eyes he could still remember what it had been like before the world fell apart. He could remember being happy and feeling safe and he could almost remember what it had felt like not to know anything else in the world. He remembered nights around the dinner table playing board games and afternoons chasing his puppy around the back yard. He remembered fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and hugs anytime he wanted.
He also remembered pain and loneliness and the cruelty of people who didn't understand a little boy who had nothing and didn't want to even try. He remembered not being good enough, he remembered knowing his current situation held no future for him, and he remembered what it was like to survive on your own at 16 with only your best buddy as support. Someday he wanted to be able to look back on all the shit he was going through and be able to say that he remembered what it felt like to feel like you don't have anything but what you can carry on your bike, but most days he didn't believe it would happen anymore.
"Jason called me," Jared started softly, hesitantly fibbing slightly as if it happened only once, as if Jason hadn't been trying since they were locked up in that cell together. Allowing that door where he locked his happiness behind to crack open a bit as he gave in and let himself think about Jason's friend for the first time that day. Steve was… hell Jared wasn't brave enough to say what Steve was.
Calling him Jared's one hope in a life of hopelessness sounded overly dramatic, but it was the best way Jared knew of to describe his feelings for the man. He still couldn't figure out why Steve was giving him the time of day. Jason insisted that Steve was just that kinda guy, but it was hard for Jared to accept that, even though he really, really wanted to believe that maybe finally something was changing, maybe finally something good was gonna happen that they'd be allowed to hold onto.
Genevieve had joined them, but was standing by listening quietly. She knew her bond with them wasn't anywhere near as strong as their bond with each other and respected the moments where she was merely an accepted outsider. She knew Jason only by name, and knew only that he was Jared's cell mate the months he'd spent in jail. What either of them was in for, or why they kept in touch, she had no knowledge of, and didn't really feel like it was any of her business unless they decided it was.
Chad grunted and to her it didn't mean much, but she'd been around these two long enough to know that Jared probably got a whole chapter out of the sound. "Said he had a suggestion for us, some place that might be…" Jared stopped again and lit another cigarette pulling in a deep lungful of smoke, waiting until he was almost lightheaded before exhaling. "Some buddies of his need some help in their bar."Chad nodded carefully, wondering if Jared was gonna finally fess up to the new guy he'd yet to tell him about.
Genevieve wished she could read him better, but unless you were one of the two of them, each man was pretty damned hard to read, always keeping his expressions carefully schooled. "He tell 'em about our baggage?" Chad took out his own cigarette lighting his off Jared's before turning his own gaze out over the blue water of the gulf. Instead of speaking Jared just shrugged, and Chad just nodded in return. The conversation between them wordless and probably more meaningful than anything Genevieve had had with anyone in the last month. She figured there was a good chance Jared wouldn't talk again for the rest of the day. He'd been doing that a lot lately, but when she'd asked Chad about it he just gave her that look that said she should keep her mouth shut and not ask questions.
"So where we headed to then?" Chad asked and Jared huffed softly before replying, "Jus' outside Austin." Genevieve, not for the first time, was impressed at the skill Chad had with Jared, and wondered if she'd ever have that deep of a friendship with someone.
~JTP~CMM~JTP~CMM~JTP~CMM~JTP~CMM~JTP~CMM~JTP~CMM~
Jensen stood at the bar with Randy, washing glasses as his friend filled the coolers, both tried to act like they weren't watching Chris and Steve avoid each other while they tried to act like they weren't doing it. Steve, he figured was doing a much better job than Chris was, but then Steve was hiding at the old piano with his back to the room. Chris though was just sitting at a table supposedly working on paperwork glaring at Steve's back.
Chris was a lot of things, but subtle was not one of them.
"You think they'll ever just get over all this and start fucking again?" Randy finally asked softly and Jensen snorted before turning his head to flash a grin. The thing was he was pretty sure some day one of them would get over this… whatever it was going on between them, but the thing that worried him the most that it wouldn't be until after the other had found someone he wasn't willing to give up.
Jensen had a feeling it would be Steve.
Lately he had a look in his eyes, and Jensen had a suspicion it was what had led to the most recent breakup between his friends. Chris was just not the settling kind, or at least that was what Chris always said, and Steve was exactly the settling kind. Steve wanted to know there was one person that he would be with for the rest of his life.
For years Jensen knew his best friend had bet that Chris was it, but although he hadn't said different, Jen was pretty sure he'd come to believe different as of late. It was in the way he stared off into the crowd on a busy weekend night as if he was searching for something he didn't know how to look for. It was in the way he didn't seem to have the patience for the patented Chris bullshit that they'd all learned to deal with over the years. It was the way sadness just seemed to loom over him all hours of the day until Jensen decided that something drastic had to be done.
There had been four of them growing up. Himself, Steve, Chris, and Jason had been almost inseparable. They'd all been trouble on some level. Jason always seemed to be the one that got the biggest slap on the wrist, but they never forgot him and each one of them accepted his calls no matter what else was going on. That's just the way lifelong friendship worked in their books. Jensen didn't know how long his friend had been talkin' to this guy Jason'd shared a cell with some years back, but Steve had started taking notice of this stranger awhile back. Jensen had noticed how his name had started coming from Steve's mouth more often as of late.
Steve'd even talked to the guy a few times, and the easy laughter that came from him when he talked to this guy was a bad sign for Chris. Jensen had to admit, he thought it was weird, especially at first watching his friend so happy and relaxed talking to some strange ex-con, and even he had not been too thrilled with Steve's apparent attachment. Then however he stepped back and saw how genuinely happy his friend was, and it wasn't like they had ever judged Jason for any of his stints in prison. Hell even Chris had done some time once when his temper got further than any of the rest of them had been able to contain safely, or that's the story they had all agreed upon anyway. Only Jensen himself and Steve were the good boys untouched by Johnny Law, mostly thanks to Jason and Chris.
Jensen had wandered upstairs one night needing to ask Steve if they had an extra bottle of Cherry Vodka somewhere and make sure the recipe he'd found for a Spanish Guitar had been right. He hated it when those damned yuppie's invaded asking for shit only Steve would drink… Fuckin' girly drink crap. Steve had the night off and he was the only one there that knew all them damned girly drink recipes off the top of his head. Hell it'd taken him 15 minutes to figure out the asshole hadn't been asking about one of their guitars. How the hell was he supposed to know a Spanish Guitar was a drink?
Stomping up the stairs cursing stupid customers under his breath, Jensen wasn't really paying attention and therefore was caught off guard by the sight in the living room that made him pause and momentarily forget the customers and the bar in general. The radio was on just loud enough to dull the bar's noise downstairs. Steve was seated on the sofa, leaned back with his head rested on the sofa back and his feet rested on the coffee table. You only had to look at him to see how relaxed and happy he was. Something funny must have been said, because he was laughing and his whole face was lit up with laughter and Jensen couldn't remember the last time he'd seen his friend smile like that.
That was why when Steve said he had offered Jared and Chad the bouncer positions and said they'd hire Genevieve on as a waitress to help Michaela and Danneel and the other random girls who worked a shift here and there, Jensen hadn't argued even when Chris called him a traitor for it. God knows, Jensen loved Steve and Chris like brothers, and he knew that they loved each other much more than that. The thing was that in Jensen's opinion they just needed something more if the two of them were ever gonna be happy together. Every time they got together it was as if something was missing between the two of them, some element that Jensen couldn't quite put his finger on but knew it was important.
It wasn't like this happiness was fleeting either. After talking to this stranger, Steve would walk around on a cloud for days, whistling and smiling for no reason at all. It was nice to see his friend not drowning in doom and gloom all the time because Chris just refused to pull his head out of his ass and see the light. Hell Jensen couldn't remember the last time any of them had made Steve that happy for that long. Oh sure they'd have moments where they'd mess around and they'd all laugh and joke, but once it was done Steve would go right back to being miserable and Jensen would feel like he had to start all over again trying to find a way to make him smile.
When Steve made that announcement, the already strained relationship had become like a battle zone. Chris might be oblivious some times, but he wasn't stupid and even he could see how this new guy was affecting Steve. Jensen knew that Chris took the idea that Steve would always be there waiting for Chris to wander back to for granted, only this time it seemed like there was a chance Steve might be going far enough away he might not find his way back, if he ever even had any desire to.
"You know, I don't really get what the big deal is." The sound of Randy's voice brought Jensen back to the present. "I mean, we don't know what the guy did or why, and it ain't like anyone here is a saint, even you an' Steve, for all your good boy images. You just never got caught like the rest of us. If this guy is the one that's been making Steve so damned happy for the last couple of months, shouldn't that be all that matters? Hell even Shannon noticed, and he's worse than Chris with that shit. We've needed the help forever, but now that we have it, Chris is all insistent that we don't need anyone just because he dropped the ball and now it's rolled outta his reach."
Jensen looked at Randy, his huff of disgust working as that final nudge he needed, realizing that it was time he stepped up and stopped playing it safe. If even Randy's dingy boyfriend Shannon noticed how happy Steve had been, then hiring these guys was the right thing to do.
Breaking into Steve's collection of liqueur that really had no business being in a damned road house slash biker bar, Jensen took out the Vanilla Vodka, the Starbucks coffee liqueur, and the Dulseda Dulce de Leche carmel liqueur ignoring how Randy was watching him as if he'd lost his mind. Throwing the drink together, Jensen grabbed a bottle of beer popping the cap off and made his way out from behind the bar and crossed the room carefully sitting the drink on top of the piano.
Steve's abrupt ending of the song he'd been pounding out made the bar seem too quiet, even though Jensen wasn't sure that was really possible. "Caramel Macchiato Martini is your new craving right?" Steve nodded big and took the drink down taking a sip. "Good job, Jen." Steve praised watching his friend and Jensen took a sip of beer trying to push through his nerves to answer the curiosity plainly visible on his friend's face.
"I want you to know, I'm on your side." Jensen started hating seeing the way Steve's happiness dimmed at the mention of the fight and more determined pushed on. "I want you to know that all I care about is if you're happy, and if this guy does it then he's always welcome here as far as I'm concerned. Just… don't let Chris change your mind ok? I've seen what this guy can do for you the last couple of months. I mean, you've been like a completely different person, more like the old Steve who laughed and was just chill all the time back before you and Chris started this… whatever you two have been doing."
Steve nodded and Jensen looked down turning the bottle in his hands. "Just don't forget Chris ok? And don't forget even though he's a prick right now that he really does love you. All this shit is gonna work out somehow, I know it. I don't know how, and I ain't saying that this guy isn't everything you've made him out to be in your head…" Jensen paused as Steve blushed and Jensen had to grin knowing his friend and his romantic notions too well.
"I just don't think things are really over for good with you and Chris. Hell maybe he'll even turn out to be the glue that will finally hold you and Chris together." Jensen was mostly joking at the thought, but with the way Steve's eyes widened and the blush spread across his cheeks, he could tell his friend had already entertained the notion. Shrugging Jensen finished his beer and, shoving Steve over, sat down on the bench next to him.
"Alright bitch, let's see how this is really supposed to sound." If the door to the upstairs area slammed, Jensen and Steve both pretended they didn't even notice letting themselves get caught up in the music and their friendship.
Chapter One