On Vox: precedents and plans
Well, here I sit. Christmas in the quaint cabin in the middle of the Smokey mountains. There are presents under one of the sadder trees I have seen. It isn't a tree, really, just some plastic molded into a two and a half foot tall solid white cousin It mass with a sad, reflective red butterfly on top. I haven't asked why there is a butterfly on top of a Christmas tree. I pretend it is justified by some Christ-like fluttering from the dead. Or something.
I am trying to decide my goals for this coming year. I want to narrow it down to three. Last year I went vegetarian, which I maintained happily and successfully (and learned to cook like woah along the way). All in all I ventured into meat maybe 10 times all year, 3 of which were for duck from the Chef's Table. So, totally understandable.
I am debating goals like 'putting my relationship first.' Because I want to, and I want to spend more time with the person who, ultimately, is my main priority in life. But then I put in my Spring class schedule on the calendar, and then my work schedule, then pencil out four blocks a week to (in theory) ride my horses. And then there is this sad little scattered gapping of unclaimed time, which in reality is meant to be spent studying, reading, and writing. This past semester I read over 100 books. When? And who am I kidding to think James can come first. The reality is my education does at this point and time, and that's that.
So, then I considered setting a goal for my education. I want to work on my writing (what's new?), and so was thinking of making myself write at least 300 words a day non-academic. This is where Vox comes in, I suppose. But then I think about how ultimately self-centered I used to find the whole blogging process, and how the good aspect (having others' feedback) also becomes this subversive force that changes not only what you write about, but how you write it. So maybe I should make a collection of files on my computer, or something....but then I remember the highlight of blogging: being held responsible to publicly show you are sticking to your goals. So there, I suppose this will be one of my three resolutions.
In all this angst (and truly, it is existential angst) over my writing and work this past semester I have committed, in my eyes, a cardinal mistake. Namely, indulging in my perfectionism. As Psychology Today so aptly put it, this an inherently selfish adventure as,"It is ultimately self-destructive to devote all one's psychic resources to oneself." A valid statement, and one to which I wholeheartedly agree to after emerging from a self-effacing and self-absorbed pit of despair over my own intellectual work over the past couple months. So, I think OK, let's do something for the community, or in a larger respect the world..or at the very least something obviously not originating from my head up my ass vision of the world. I remember meeting a really great family working with building an orphanage in Zimbabwe, so maybe I can donate $100 a month to them. Or in my local community there is a great organization working with the homeless. So them? Then my credit card bills start to loom in my face, but I won't cede because of it. I really need to spend some of this hard cash on something that pushes me at least once a month into a larger perspective. So this makes goal two.
What for the third? I wish I could write my friends more letters, spend more time with my dogs and horses, cook more, talk more to my loved ones, be more open, a million other things. But, in the end I remember that, despite the not perfect moments of the past year, I have laughed more and learned more than ever before; I have been more compassionate and more forgiving, of others and myself. And that, at the end of the day, is a damn good precedent for the coming year.
So I still need to decide how this third resolution could be best spent, because I stick to these damn things like the stubborn person I am. I just need to foster more creativity in myself. I fell flat this past semester when I let my manic perfectionism blind my creativity and, most importantly, my voice. So how to avoid this? Being in Asheville makes me realize how much I miss places that inspire me. I need to find one near home. Somewhere that really inspires me. And I need to make a point of working there a few days a week. And I need to make sure and ride, even when shit gets wild. It clarifies my mind in ways nothing else can. So, let me think on the third and get back to you.
What are your goals?
Originally posted on kristinj.vox.com