Prologue of Black Red Moon
This is the prologue of an Original story me and my sister are working on called 'Black Red Moon'.
Warning! The prologue doesn't make much sense but we're posting it over at Fictionpress.com the link will be under the cut/under the chapter. I hope it's okay but what we're really seeking is critique so if anybody actually reads this any ideas or help would be welcome ^_^;;;
The rain fell heavy and sharp darkening the thin red cloth of a plain red t-shirt to a color almost resembling blood. It stung pale, strong arms that were folded tightly across a chest and deep brown locks clung to a face that looked sharp and hard until you focused on the deeper and somehow warmer silver eyes.
The pupils were dilated; with somewhat larger than a normal pupil and they shone almost catlike in the wet darkness. The young woman’s back was straight and tense; her legs locked and steady where she stood. Almost as if the ice like rain and bone-chilling wind didn’t affect her at all.
Then again…it probably didn’t.
Her sigh was lost in the murmur of the winds and her words swallowed up by the first rumble of thunder.
“Oh…”
The graves she stood in front of rested beneath a tall oak tree right in the center of the local graveyard. Her body and mind were telling her that this wasn’t the safest place to be and that she should move…like, now.
With a stubbornness few could manage to survive with the young woman ignored her instincts and remained in her spot staring at the smooth, marble markers. Blank; wordless headstones without even a scratch to mar their surfaces.
Another roar of the thunder above her didn’t even make her jump though she did tuck her shoulders up around her neck instinctively.
And still she didn’t move.
She remained as much affected as the blank stone that marked the graves of two people who could of…
/Could of, might of, should of/
Brother to sister to brother to sister and repeat.
The ground had long turned to mud beneath her sneakers and she focused on the feeling of slipping and being pulled down, down, down…
/C’mon Jordan! It’ll be fun promise! /
/What could go wrong? /
Into the ground that housed countless and countless of bodies and skeletons and grave dust. She wondered, absently, what they would look like now.
/See, see I told you it’d be fun! /
/A fierce grin full of sharp teeth and red, red blood/
The woman closed her eyes and tried to shove the memories away. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
/Droplets that looked like rubies until they shattered on the ground, dripping, dripping, drop /
Her fists clinched and cut little half-moons into her palms, hurting but not enough to pierce the barrage of memories that plagued her mind.
/They’re coming! Fall back! Dammit where the hell are they? /
/Snap, snarl, animalistic rage reflected in cat bright eyes/
A hand wrapped around her wrist and years of surviving had her elbow up and aimed for the person’s neck. It was blocked and shoved down and the woman turned to face red eyes and silver hair. The calm, emotionless look in the man’s eyes never faded even as he pried open the woman’s hands and pulled her nails out of her flesh.
“You need to come back home Jordan. The others are waiting.”
Jordan bared her teeth and glared up at the man from her five foot height.
/A gasp of air and the unsteady beep from the mechanical box that told everyone who lived and who died. /
/A roar, a thud, and claws in her sides drawing blood and shoving her away/
The man didn’t seem bothered. “If you get sick Alec and Marie will have my hide so you’re coming with me conscious or not.”…He sounded almost bored.
Jordan just glared and turned around again, the mud grabbed at her feet.
/ “Listen, Jordan, I’m gonna be the last one alright. The wars over. It’s over, promise me…/
/Go! Don’t argue with me midget, just go! …/
The same pale, skeletaly thin hand grabbed her shoulder and a whispered sigh of I told you… The warm weight of his jean jacket on her shoulders and then the strange mix of cold and warmth and pain in her neck. Her eye’s blurred and she slumped the rain running down her cheeks like teardrops.
Black, cold welcoming numbness.
//…We’re friends…right?//
Fictionpress link is here
I really hoped you like it ^_^ I know it's kind of/really confusing and there's probably some sentance structure/fluency I missed when editing but still, CRITIQUE BEGGED FOR!
Thankyou ^-^
Warning! The prologue doesn't make much sense but we're posting it over at Fictionpress.com the link will be under the cut/under the chapter. I hope it's okay but what we're really seeking is critique so if anybody actually reads this any ideas or help would be welcome ^_^;;;
The rain fell heavy and sharp darkening the thin red cloth of a plain red t-shirt to a color almost resembling blood. It stung pale, strong arms that were folded tightly across a chest and deep brown locks clung to a face that looked sharp and hard until you focused on the deeper and somehow warmer silver eyes.
The pupils were dilated; with somewhat larger than a normal pupil and they shone almost catlike in the wet darkness. The young woman’s back was straight and tense; her legs locked and steady where she stood. Almost as if the ice like rain and bone-chilling wind didn’t affect her at all.
Then again…it probably didn’t.
Her sigh was lost in the murmur of the winds and her words swallowed up by the first rumble of thunder.
“Oh…”
The graves she stood in front of rested beneath a tall oak tree right in the center of the local graveyard. Her body and mind were telling her that this wasn’t the safest place to be and that she should move…like, now.
With a stubbornness few could manage to survive with the young woman ignored her instincts and remained in her spot staring at the smooth, marble markers. Blank; wordless headstones without even a scratch to mar their surfaces.
Another roar of the thunder above her didn’t even make her jump though she did tuck her shoulders up around her neck instinctively.
And still she didn’t move.
She remained as much affected as the blank stone that marked the graves of two people who could of…
/Could of, might of, should of/
Brother to sister to brother to sister and repeat.
The ground had long turned to mud beneath her sneakers and she focused on the feeling of slipping and being pulled down, down, down…
/C’mon Jordan! It’ll be fun promise! /
/What could go wrong? /
Into the ground that housed countless and countless of bodies and skeletons and grave dust. She wondered, absently, what they would look like now.
/See, see I told you it’d be fun! /
/A fierce grin full of sharp teeth and red, red blood/
The woman closed her eyes and tried to shove the memories away. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
/Droplets that looked like rubies until they shattered on the ground, dripping, dripping, drop /
Her fists clinched and cut little half-moons into her palms, hurting but not enough to pierce the barrage of memories that plagued her mind.
/They’re coming! Fall back! Dammit where the hell are they? /
/Snap, snarl, animalistic rage reflected in cat bright eyes/
A hand wrapped around her wrist and years of surviving had her elbow up and aimed for the person’s neck. It was blocked and shoved down and the woman turned to face red eyes and silver hair. The calm, emotionless look in the man’s eyes never faded even as he pried open the woman’s hands and pulled her nails out of her flesh.
“You need to come back home Jordan. The others are waiting.”
Jordan bared her teeth and glared up at the man from her five foot height.
/A gasp of air and the unsteady beep from the mechanical box that told everyone who lived and who died. /
/A roar, a thud, and claws in her sides drawing blood and shoving her away/
The man didn’t seem bothered. “If you get sick Alec and Marie will have my hide so you’re coming with me conscious or not.”…He sounded almost bored.
Jordan just glared and turned around again, the mud grabbed at her feet.
/ “Listen, Jordan, I’m gonna be the last one alright. The wars over. It’s over, promise me…/
/Go! Don’t argue with me midget, just go! …/
The same pale, skeletaly thin hand grabbed her shoulder and a whispered sigh of I told you… The warm weight of his jean jacket on her shoulders and then the strange mix of cold and warmth and pain in her neck. Her eye’s blurred and she slumped the rain running down her cheeks like teardrops.
Black, cold welcoming numbness.
//…We’re friends…right?//
Fictionpress link is here
I really hoped you like it ^_^ I know it's kind of/really confusing and there's probably some sentance structure/fluency I missed when editing but still, CRITIQUE BEGGED FOR!
Thankyou ^-^