I am a liar
Thanks to mikaeldraven, I recently succumbed to the temptation to do a free online handwriting analysis at handwritinglady.com. I had sent the results to my family and a couple of friends, as I thought they’d get a kick out of it (and for the record, though not 100% accurate, I’d say it was fairly so).
One friend sent the following reply:
“ < When you picked "Exit loops on the right side", that
told me you can be VERY secretive. As a matter of fact,
the larger your inner loop, the more you tend to avoid
giving complete and straight answers. >
[[[ Secretive no....but "you tend to avoid giving
complete and straight answers" is ABSOLUTELY true. Anyone
who knows Klemrev KNOWS that any answer to any question
worth asking her will involve a 15 minute story. So in
this case I believe you are inverted it is the fact that
you don't hide but rather include the kitchen sink.
And you know what... WE LOVE YOU FOR IT!!!! ]]] “
Not only did that reply provide a chuckle for me, but also some thoughts upon which to ponder (and yes, I do tend to include much detail when relating a story).
<< you tend to avoid giving complete and straight answers >> And now, indulge me if you will.
If you spend much time with me (and if you aren’t someone around whom I end up just shutting my mouth because of your consistently overly-negative and/or self-focused commentary about everything), you are probably aware of another of my tendencies, namely, always trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt - or, as friends have said, ‘justifying everything everyone does.’ I will never apologize for this, in terms of it being my general approach to others (as I surely want others to give me the benefit of the doubt when they don’t understand my logic, etc.). Call it striving to operate in an awareness of what social psychologists have called the ‘fundamental attribution error’ [in a nutshell, this error is the tendency we humans have to attribute actions people make to the character of the person rather than the circumstances… all the while, attributing our own actions to the situation rather than our character. As in, if John gets into a car accident, it’s because he’s a bad driver, but if we get into an accident, it’s because the person in front of us stopped so quickly that no one would have had time to stop]. Or, call it striving to live by ‘The Golden Rule’ (‘"Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.’) The thing is, I am only me and don’t walk in the skin and minds of others. I don’t know if the really, really slow cashier is just taking her sweet time because she’s trying to prove how powerful she is by making everyone wait for her, because she is mentally or physically challenged and this is a huge deal for her to be working in a regular job, or if her mind is running through all the reasons why she wants to commit suicide and having an internal debate whether this should be her last shift ever. It’s no skin off my teeth not to be rude, and really, who do I think I am that I would have the ‘right’ to degrade another person - do I really need to put someone else down to feel better about myself? Not being rude (even when someone’s been intentionally rude to me) but trying to be the kind of person I’d love to have around me if I were having a bad day is really no price at all to pay for possibly turning someone’s day around … or at least, not making it worse. And really, if someone is intentionally being a jerk, why let them waste more of my life energy? They don’t determine how I act (and people, let’s try not always to REACT, but rather ENACT - as far as we are able, let’s create the kind of world in which we’d like to live, ‘cause that’s the only way things start to change). I’ve seen so many people get so upset by NOTHING. It’s pathetic. But I digress (see? details).
Anyway, I make no apologies for this general kind of approach. However, there are some potential negatives. A big one is that I have occasionally found myself arriving at the unhappy realization that someone is taking advantage of this. For instance, if something is shared with me which doesn’t seem to line up, I will assume that I just don’t have the full story (and I am the first to admit that reality truly is often stranger than fiction, as my relatively short life provides numerous examples of this). Given that assumption, I usually don’t question the ‘not lining up’ aspect of something until I am smacked in the face over and over again with things which scream “s/he’s lying.” Most times when this happens, it’s not such a big deal either to say something directly or ‘pull back’ in my interaction with the person, depending upon the situation, relationship, etc. However, when it’s someone who claims to be a friend - and by this, I don’t mean those many times when folks say ‘friend’ but really mean ‘acquaintance’ - I am usually dumbstruck. I justify and justify and justify some more when it’s clear that someone is doing this, all the while getting stressed about the fact that this ‘friend’ is not actually acting as a friend toward me and also stupid (or something) enough to think no one’s gonna’ catch on. I have discovered that my biggest source of stress in these situations is that I DO WANT TO TRUST my so-called friends. So, even when I have many, many reasons to doubt someone’s integrity, it stresses me out to feel that I must question that person’s trustworthiness and that I am possibly not being a real friend to them myself.
Another negative situation occasionally resulting from my general approach is the one in which someone’s shortcomings (whether of the “incompetence” or simply “not following through when it’s their responsibility to do so” type) ends up being detrimental to others and I am the one who, for whatever reason, should hold them accountable. Because of my tendency to assume folks want to do a good job at whatever it is they’re doing, it usually takes me a while to catch on when someone is just being a lazy bastard, and sometimes this has resulted in others unfairly picking up slack which isn’t their responsibility.
In both examples, my not saying anything has been a form of “unintentional lying”; it’s not okay with me that you behave as you do, and I am lying to you if I give you the impression that it is.
So, here’s some truth-telling. To those who fall into the first category - the ‘liars’ - realize this: my (and others) not saying anything/calling you on the carpet about everything which doesn’t seem to line up, etc., is NOT us being stupid. You are not pulling anything over on us. Rather, it is us extending you some grace and mercy … hoping (always hoping) that you will grow up and stop the manipulation. If you seem to have a need to ‘embellish’ everything, realize that the attention and acceptance you so desperately seek is something you’ve surely already prevented yourself from finding in some instances, as most people eventually grow weary of it. If you have noticed previously-friendly folks suddenly far less responsive, perhaps it’s time for some self-evaluation regarding your level of ‘attention-seeking’ or ‘manipulating’ behavior. Most people probably realize it’s unintentional to a degree, but if it’s there, it’s there and consequences surely follow. You will never experience the joy of being invited into someone’s life if you’re operating as a manipulative bully trying to force your way in. You will never experience the privilege of sharing another’s burdens if you are too busy caught up in your own drama/melodrama - it’s hard to see past your own script. To those who fall into the second category - the ‘incompetent’ - false humility is a form of lying and usually also twisted pride, so I will not “play stupid” to make you feel better. If I hold you accountable for things for which you’re responsible, either follow through or let the responsibility go - that’s part of being an adult (and I wouldn’t ask you to follow through with something if I didn’t think you were capable of it to begin with).
Thought it was time to say something.
One friend sent the following reply:
“ < When you picked "Exit loops on the right side", that
told me you can be VERY secretive. As a matter of fact,
the larger your inner loop, the more you tend to avoid
giving complete and straight answers. >
[[[ Secretive no....but "you tend to avoid giving
complete and straight answers" is ABSOLUTELY true. Anyone
who knows Klemrev KNOWS that any answer to any question
worth asking her will involve a 15 minute story. So in
this case I believe you are inverted it is the fact that
you don't hide but rather include the kitchen sink.
And you know what... WE LOVE YOU FOR IT!!!! ]]] “
Not only did that reply provide a chuckle for me, but also some thoughts upon which to ponder (and yes, I do tend to include much detail when relating a story).
<< you tend to avoid giving complete and straight answers >> And now, indulge me if you will.
If you spend much time with me (and if you aren’t someone around whom I end up just shutting my mouth because of your consistently overly-negative and/or self-focused commentary about everything), you are probably aware of another of my tendencies, namely, always trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt - or, as friends have said, ‘justifying everything everyone does.’ I will never apologize for this, in terms of it being my general approach to others (as I surely want others to give me the benefit of the doubt when they don’t understand my logic, etc.). Call it striving to operate in an awareness of what social psychologists have called the ‘fundamental attribution error’ [in a nutshell, this error is the tendency we humans have to attribute actions people make to the character of the person rather than the circumstances… all the while, attributing our own actions to the situation rather than our character. As in, if John gets into a car accident, it’s because he’s a bad driver, but if we get into an accident, it’s because the person in front of us stopped so quickly that no one would have had time to stop]. Or, call it striving to live by ‘The Golden Rule’ (‘"Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.’) The thing is, I am only me and don’t walk in the skin and minds of others. I don’t know if the really, really slow cashier is just taking her sweet time because she’s trying to prove how powerful she is by making everyone wait for her, because she is mentally or physically challenged and this is a huge deal for her to be working in a regular job, or if her mind is running through all the reasons why she wants to commit suicide and having an internal debate whether this should be her last shift ever. It’s no skin off my teeth not to be rude, and really, who do I think I am that I would have the ‘right’ to degrade another person - do I really need to put someone else down to feel better about myself? Not being rude (even when someone’s been intentionally rude to me) but trying to be the kind of person I’d love to have around me if I were having a bad day is really no price at all to pay for possibly turning someone’s day around … or at least, not making it worse. And really, if someone is intentionally being a jerk, why let them waste more of my life energy? They don’t determine how I act (and people, let’s try not always to REACT, but rather ENACT - as far as we are able, let’s create the kind of world in which we’d like to live, ‘cause that’s the only way things start to change). I’ve seen so many people get so upset by NOTHING. It’s pathetic. But I digress (see? details).
Anyway, I make no apologies for this general kind of approach. However, there are some potential negatives. A big one is that I have occasionally found myself arriving at the unhappy realization that someone is taking advantage of this. For instance, if something is shared with me which doesn’t seem to line up, I will assume that I just don’t have the full story (and I am the first to admit that reality truly is often stranger than fiction, as my relatively short life provides numerous examples of this). Given that assumption, I usually don’t question the ‘not lining up’ aspect of something until I am smacked in the face over and over again with things which scream “s/he’s lying.” Most times when this happens, it’s not such a big deal either to say something directly or ‘pull back’ in my interaction with the person, depending upon the situation, relationship, etc. However, when it’s someone who claims to be a friend - and by this, I don’t mean those many times when folks say ‘friend’ but really mean ‘acquaintance’ - I am usually dumbstruck. I justify and justify and justify some more when it’s clear that someone is doing this, all the while getting stressed about the fact that this ‘friend’ is not actually acting as a friend toward me and also stupid (or something) enough to think no one’s gonna’ catch on. I have discovered that my biggest source of stress in these situations is that I DO WANT TO TRUST my so-called friends. So, even when I have many, many reasons to doubt someone’s integrity, it stresses me out to feel that I must question that person’s trustworthiness and that I am possibly not being a real friend to them myself.
Another negative situation occasionally resulting from my general approach is the one in which someone’s shortcomings (whether of the “incompetence” or simply “not following through when it’s their responsibility to do so” type) ends up being detrimental to others and I am the one who, for whatever reason, should hold them accountable. Because of my tendency to assume folks want to do a good job at whatever it is they’re doing, it usually takes me a while to catch on when someone is just being a lazy bastard, and sometimes this has resulted in others unfairly picking up slack which isn’t their responsibility.
In both examples, my not saying anything has been a form of “unintentional lying”; it’s not okay with me that you behave as you do, and I am lying to you if I give you the impression that it is.
So, here’s some truth-telling. To those who fall into the first category - the ‘liars’ - realize this: my (and others) not saying anything/calling you on the carpet about everything which doesn’t seem to line up, etc., is NOT us being stupid. You are not pulling anything over on us. Rather, it is us extending you some grace and mercy … hoping (always hoping) that you will grow up and stop the manipulation. If you seem to have a need to ‘embellish’ everything, realize that the attention and acceptance you so desperately seek is something you’ve surely already prevented yourself from finding in some instances, as most people eventually grow weary of it. If you have noticed previously-friendly folks suddenly far less responsive, perhaps it’s time for some self-evaluation regarding your level of ‘attention-seeking’ or ‘manipulating’ behavior. Most people probably realize it’s unintentional to a degree, but if it’s there, it’s there and consequences surely follow. You will never experience the joy of being invited into someone’s life if you’re operating as a manipulative bully trying to force your way in. You will never experience the privilege of sharing another’s burdens if you are too busy caught up in your own drama/melodrama - it’s hard to see past your own script. To those who fall into the second category - the ‘incompetent’ - false humility is a form of lying and usually also twisted pride, so I will not “play stupid” to make you feel better. If I hold you accountable for things for which you’re responsible, either follow through or let the responsibility go - that’s part of being an adult (and I wouldn’t ask you to follow through with something if I didn’t think you were capable of it to begin with).
Thought it was time to say something.