I HATE TERM PAPERS!!

[kleineprinzess]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! MY MIND IS GOING CRAZY, I FEEL LIKE JUST BASHING MY HEAD THROUGH MY WINDOW AND LETTING THE GLASS SHATTER. mY MIND IS RACING AND IM GOING INTO ADD OVERLOAD. I KEEP GETTING DISTRACTED LIKE WRITTING THIS ENTRY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHATS GOING ON, THESE PASSED COUPLE MONTHS I FIND MYSELF JUST LOSING IT, CRYING OVER STUPID SHIT, OR GETTING REALLY MAD AT LITTLE THINGS TOO, I DUNNO IF IT'S STRESS OR WHAT. I JUST WISH IT WOULD STOP, I WISH I COULD BE HAPPY AGIAN, CAUSE I REALIZED I HAVEN'T, I'M SMILING BUT NOT ON THE INSIDE, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE MAKING ME SAD, I JUST AM. I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED WHICH MAKES MY MIND RACE MORE. I JUST WANT TO BE CALM AGIAN TO LIVE CARELESSLY, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE BIT. I WANT MY BRAIN TO CHILL OUT, OR FOR MY BODY TO STOP FREAKING OUT. MY BODY IS GOING TO OVER LOAD, AND I'M EATING A LOT OR NOT EATING AT ALL, OR THROWING UP DUE TO STRESS, AND THAT'S THE LAST THING I WANT, I FIGHTED SOOO LONG TO STOP IT, AND FOR IT SHOW UP AGIAN PISSES ME OFF EVEN MORE. I THINK I NEED A VACATION, OR SOMETHING TO TEMPORALLY NUMB MY PAIN. IT'S 11:00 MY TERM PAPER WAS DUE LAST THURSDAY AND I ONLY HAVE 2 PAGES DONE. I JUST WANT TO RUNAWAY, EVEN THOUGH THATS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOUR LIKE 4, I WANT TO RUN AWAY JUST PACK A SUITCASE AND RUN...AND KEEP RUNNING LIKE MY LEGS JUST GIVE OUT AND MY HEART STOPS. IT SUCKS NOT KNOWING WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CAUSE I'M SO USE TO KNOWING MY PROBLEMS AND FIXING THEM,KNOWING MYSELF AND CORRECTING THE IMPERFECTIONS. BUT THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT I DON'T THINK I CHANGED ANYTHING, I THINK MY DEPRESSION STAYED AND I ONLY THOUGHT IT LEFT. I BLOCKED WITH SOMETHING AND NOW THE WALL IS CRUMBLING DOWN. I'M TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO SEE ANYONE CAUSE I'M AGGORGANT AND THINK I CAN FIX THIS ON MY OWN. WHICH I PROBALLY CAN, BUT WILL I REALLY? OR JUST FIND CLOSET TO SHOVE MY SHIT IN UNTIL IT OVER FLOWS AND I'M BURIED UNDERNEATH IT? I WISH I COULD BE OUTSIDE MYSELF AND GET TO ANALYIZE MYSELF FROM A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW. I WANT MC.DONALDS FRIES. LOL I'M SO RANDOM I DUNNO IT SMELLS LIKE FRIES IN MY ROOM. 11:05 I LOVE WASTING MY LIFE AWAY...ITS SO MUCH FUN. I WANT TO PAINT I WANT TO DROP OUT OF SCHOOL AND JUST PAINT, PAINT ANYTHING WITH MY FINGERS AND MY TOES WITH BRUSHES, I CAN'T PAINT BUT IT WON'T MATTER CAUSE I'D BE PAINTING FOR ME. ONLY FOR ME. I'LL PAINT WHAT I WANT AND WON'T HAVE TO SHOW IT TO ANYONE. MY OWN COLLECTION OF ART, THAT EXPRESS MY TRUE FEELINGS THAT NO-ONE KNOWS ABOUT, NOT EVEN THE CLOSEST PEOPLE TO ME. SO PAINT ON AN ISLAND, PAINT STUPID SHIT LIKE THE SUNSET OR A GAZABO LOL I DUNNO STUPID SHIT. I WANT SCHOOL TO BE OVER, I WANT TO LEAVE ALL THE STRESS BEHIND. I WANT TO GO TANNING SO I DON'T LOOK SO WHITE. I WANT PLASTIC SURGERY SO I CAN FINALLY BE HAPPY IN MY OWN SKIN. I DON'T WANT TO BE PERFECT, WELL IN MY OWN EYES. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. APARENTLY I'V BEEN LYING TO MYSELF AND THINKING I'M HAPPY WHEN I'M NOT. I HAVE NO TRUE REASONS NOT TO BE, BUT I'M NOT. 11:09 MY LIFE GETS BETTER AND BETTER, I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THOSE LIFETIME MOVIE SPECIALS, I FEEL LIKE IM FAILING, EVERYTHING, A SISTER, A FRIEND, A DAUGTHER, A GIRLFRIEND, A STUDENT, THIS ISN'T FOR SYMPATHY OR ANYTHING SINCE NO-ONE READS THIS SHIT ANYWAY I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER SEE THIS AS A DIARY ENTRY TO MYSELF MY THOUGHTS JUST WRITTEN DOWN.......... HOPING IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE...

-THE SUN HASN'T SEEN ME SMILE IN DAYS-