kleenex 4 me...
Ah well its been a long time...hmm these days i feel really troubled i guess...and xanga isnt a place i can really spill my heart at today...lately i just want to curl up and cry my eyes out but its so hard, i always put everything off, like school work...then theres college things, and fafsa things...if i cant get into college its my fault for being this way, i just hate myself...but today i had to take a stand...i did about everything i had put off for so long...even my mom is feeling a bit better, she can lift her leg like an inch or 2 now...this week is going to be hard...and im still freaked out about my music presentation..which i was suppost to work on..but im thinking about not gong at all...i just dont know...but if i dont go i wonder what would the results be? a failing grade? or maybe he wouldnt care...well tomorrows the eng finals...i hope i dont fail that be cause im going crazy in eng, i was suppost to finish my book by wed but i just started reading ch 16..and now im only on 19..this is sad...i have to finish it by tm ch 19-24...gov regents is also coming up...i hope i do good, since my teacher is really drilling it up..but i feel like im not doing as well as i should...its not sticking or im not trying my best..maybe its both but it doesnt matter, what matters is that i have to start reading that review book and getting it through my thick head because i need to graduate and pass...i feel so damn fucking preasured and stressed out like many others...its so fucking hard to cope with, sometimes when it gets bad enough i will surely reject society...like now..when i need support the most i will push everyone away...then in the end..i have no one, nothing...its happening already...but its like an act, i dont know what im suppost to do now, its not like i want it to end up like that... but it just does. all i am doing is rambling on and on about nothing and i cant fix it, its like a broken heart but its worse...its like my broken soul that no one can heal, mend or help...im also freaked out about getting into a college...if i dont get into any..then i'll have to miss a semester...oh god that would be so sad...i would cry...even tho its hard for me to cry...i think i have a few times this week...only during sad parts of movies...nothing else can hurt me now for some reason...maybe if i got beat up or something...its just so gloomy, i cant take it...what am i to do...i dont even fucking know what im typing..its just some stupid shit problem and issues i have, i dont know how this is helping or if its any...i know i've fallen into depression...but im trying really hard not to fail into a pit of nothing...i need serious help, and maybe medication... i wrote so freakin much yet i have no idea what all this is...and i hope it doesnt make sense, thats why i just jumbled it all together...im talkin to my freakin lj...eh well my heart is sunk and it feels like a big burden i can never overcome..ugh