blah.
what is it about periods anyways. i mean, you know it has to come and you are miserable because of it but still it surprises you. mine is like the proverbial bad penny you never know when it is going to turn up.
i was incredibly depressed last night and all of yesterday and was a total antisocial ass at work so when they realized that we were not going to get much business they let me go home. ok it is not great that they could spare me so easily but with the chef there i really didnt have to be.
i dont think i am black enough either. i use em as a measuring stick at work- shes from haiti and very prod of all things haitian. the thing is her family was the ruling family for years (her father was "president" which in haiti makes you one step down from king and a step up from dictator) because the people at my job dont know haitian history they are impressed- i am steeped in it because of my aunt patty who spent the 70's in haiti working in clinics and banging the local women. (i'm inferring that from my conversations with her- ok a bit of background here: she claims to have a long and involved sexual history that she is not proud of and has to confess to- constantly- with our priest, has told my gossipy grandmother that she thinks she is gay, and has told anyone who will listen she is a virgin since she has never had sex with a man) anyways, the ruling family were selfish pigs who oppressed the people terribly. So when she screetches her proud heritage i mentally go umm- right and so you're working as a waitress in a wine bar cause your family went broke when they ousted them. while i on the other hand have never claimed to be anything other than confused. which has made me the subject of ridicule. i am black, when it suits me i can play the race card as well as anyone but it makes me feel weird to do it since my grandparents make more of our native heritage than anything else, african heritage is a dirty secret. dark skin is frowned upon. they are dissapointed we did not turn out lighter. our mothers didn't marry well enough i guess. my grandmother on my mother's side will tell anyone who asks that her family is seminole- and part of the reason she married my grandfather was their shared seminole heritage. anyone with an ounce of learning knows that unremoved seminole natives were more often escaped african slaves that had been adopted by the tribe or the children of slaves and removed seminoles. on the other side of the family you have my grandfather who looks whiter than my jewish boss, his father was an irishman who dared to marry a high yellow nigger- she could pass so she did. he is listed as white on his birth certificate, and uses that to his advantage when possible. my grandmother flaunts her cherokee lineage. never mind that her father was black as tar- our ancestors were on the list! check the dawes rolls, they removed us, we came back! she has her certification- 1/8th or some such nonsence. its less than half who gives a fuck. our dark skin is an embarrassment. so when i sit here with my belly cramping thinking about who i am and why am i here all i come up with is - i come from crazy fucked up people who don't want to be what they are. but aren't we all like that?
it sucks to get your period. but then i guess it sucks if it doesnt come as well.
i was incredibly depressed last night and all of yesterday and was a total antisocial ass at work so when they realized that we were not going to get much business they let me go home. ok it is not great that they could spare me so easily but with the chef there i really didnt have to be.
i dont think i am black enough either. i use em as a measuring stick at work- shes from haiti and very prod of all things haitian. the thing is her family was the ruling family for years (her father was "president" which in haiti makes you one step down from king and a step up from dictator) because the people at my job dont know haitian history they are impressed- i am steeped in it because of my aunt patty who spent the 70's in haiti working in clinics and banging the local women. (i'm inferring that from my conversations with her- ok a bit of background here: she claims to have a long and involved sexual history that she is not proud of and has to confess to- constantly- with our priest, has told my gossipy grandmother that she thinks she is gay, and has told anyone who will listen she is a virgin since she has never had sex with a man) anyways, the ruling family were selfish pigs who oppressed the people terribly. So when she screetches her proud heritage i mentally go umm- right and so you're working as a waitress in a wine bar cause your family went broke when they ousted them. while i on the other hand have never claimed to be anything other than confused. which has made me the subject of ridicule. i am black, when it suits me i can play the race card as well as anyone but it makes me feel weird to do it since my grandparents make more of our native heritage than anything else, african heritage is a dirty secret. dark skin is frowned upon. they are dissapointed we did not turn out lighter. our mothers didn't marry well enough i guess. my grandmother on my mother's side will tell anyone who asks that her family is seminole- and part of the reason she married my grandfather was their shared seminole heritage. anyone with an ounce of learning knows that unremoved seminole natives were more often escaped african slaves that had been adopted by the tribe or the children of slaves and removed seminoles. on the other side of the family you have my grandfather who looks whiter than my jewish boss, his father was an irishman who dared to marry a high yellow nigger- she could pass so she did. he is listed as white on his birth certificate, and uses that to his advantage when possible. my grandmother flaunts her cherokee lineage. never mind that her father was black as tar- our ancestors were on the list! check the dawes rolls, they removed us, we came back! she has her certification- 1/8th or some such nonsence. its less than half who gives a fuck. our dark skin is an embarrassment. so when i sit here with my belly cramping thinking about who i am and why am i here all i come up with is - i come from crazy fucked up people who don't want to be what they are. but aren't we all like that?
it sucks to get your period. but then i guess it sucks if it doesnt come as well.