Brother
As it turns out, my brother Ben has taken up the mantle and attitude of my mother.
I had reservations about Ben and his fiance's relationship, since I saw similar behaviors to how the parents are and how they interact. So when an announcement that I'm to be an usher at his wedding, I denied the initial request, stating my reservations. At the time, it appeared that my opinions were understood and that Ben was willing to work with me to resolve those issues. When it came to actually taking action and steps and meetings, however, my efforts have been ignored or denied entirely.
He wanted me to arrive early to Easter dinner to get to know his fiance better. When I came early, he nor his fiance were no where to be found, right up until the actual dinner itself. When the dinner ended, I had to leave as I had previously discussed with him. At this point, though, he accuses me of not making any effort during that day to mend relations, because I didn't talk to them specifically while they were around.
I attempted to set up a day out - just myself, Ben and his fiance - as per Ben's request for me to do the work behind it. He discussed with me how it was a good idea, and how I should set the arrangement up since the fiance thinks I'm distant and uncaring. When confirming a date to do this, however, Ben accuses me of being manipulative and as such will not even acknowledge my effort.
He tells me I don't know him or his finance or their relationship, but he won't give me a chance to explore that. He tells me he doesn't know who I am, but he has labelled me as self-centered, manipulative, and uncaring. Near as I can tell, he has this ideal of what a brother should be, and since I don't fit that ideal I am obviously, in his perspective, in the wrong.
This pattern of accepting ideas while not having a stake but railing against said ideas once it is proposed he become involved is not new.
I had given him the benefit of the doubt and stated that historically he has been very submissive, but I see now that he has become incredibly domineering. He has an ideal of how things should be, and if you do not conform to that perfectionist ideal, you are obviously wrong. He has said he forgives me for the slights that he believes I made against him, but then uses those percieved slights as evidence against me in denying any action I take. He accepts resolvement in theory, but not in practice. He has, in conversation, picked out statements and yanked them out of context to prove how right he his. He uses conditional statements such as "if you wanted to protect me, then you would ..." or "if you wanted resolution, you would ...." adding a specific action that fits his ideal at the end, and accepting no alternative. These are character traits that are consistant with our mother and her actions.
Through my efforts to resolve differences in perception, I have been declared someone whom Ben doesn't want at his wedding. He wants a brother, he says, but his idea of a brother has been defined as not me. If I were to jump into the role that he wants, disregarding my integrity to do so, then he'd be happy to have me there, but if not, there is currently no question that my presence isn't wanted. I am saddened that this turn of events has taken place, as my efforts have been nothing but trying to prevent such a thing. I am also saddened that I cannot see an alternative to resolve this, since my words, thoughts, and actions are now catagorically denied and disregarded. The only option I am being given is to discard my intergrity for the opportunity of family, and while both are high in my value system, my integrity comes first. Every time.
I had reservations about Ben and his fiance's relationship, since I saw similar behaviors to how the parents are and how they interact. So when an announcement that I'm to be an usher at his wedding, I denied the initial request, stating my reservations. At the time, it appeared that my opinions were understood and that Ben was willing to work with me to resolve those issues. When it came to actually taking action and steps and meetings, however, my efforts have been ignored or denied entirely.
He wanted me to arrive early to Easter dinner to get to know his fiance better. When I came early, he nor his fiance were no where to be found, right up until the actual dinner itself. When the dinner ended, I had to leave as I had previously discussed with him. At this point, though, he accuses me of not making any effort during that day to mend relations, because I didn't talk to them specifically while they were around.
I attempted to set up a day out - just myself, Ben and his fiance - as per Ben's request for me to do the work behind it. He discussed with me how it was a good idea, and how I should set the arrangement up since the fiance thinks I'm distant and uncaring. When confirming a date to do this, however, Ben accuses me of being manipulative and as such will not even acknowledge my effort.
He tells me I don't know him or his finance or their relationship, but he won't give me a chance to explore that. He tells me he doesn't know who I am, but he has labelled me as self-centered, manipulative, and uncaring. Near as I can tell, he has this ideal of what a brother should be, and since I don't fit that ideal I am obviously, in his perspective, in the wrong.
This pattern of accepting ideas while not having a stake but railing against said ideas once it is proposed he become involved is not new.
I had given him the benefit of the doubt and stated that historically he has been very submissive, but I see now that he has become incredibly domineering. He has an ideal of how things should be, and if you do not conform to that perfectionist ideal, you are obviously wrong. He has said he forgives me for the slights that he believes I made against him, but then uses those percieved slights as evidence against me in denying any action I take. He accepts resolvement in theory, but not in practice. He has, in conversation, picked out statements and yanked them out of context to prove how right he his. He uses conditional statements such as "if you wanted to protect me, then you would ..." or "if you wanted resolution, you would ...." adding a specific action that fits his ideal at the end, and accepting no alternative. These are character traits that are consistant with our mother and her actions.
Through my efforts to resolve differences in perception, I have been declared someone whom Ben doesn't want at his wedding. He wants a brother, he says, but his idea of a brother has been defined as not me. If I were to jump into the role that he wants, disregarding my integrity to do so, then he'd be happy to have me there, but if not, there is currently no question that my presence isn't wanted. I am saddened that this turn of events has taken place, as my efforts have been nothing but trying to prevent such a thing. I am also saddened that I cannot see an alternative to resolve this, since my words, thoughts, and actions are now catagorically denied and disregarded. The only option I am being given is to discard my intergrity for the opportunity of family, and while both are high in my value system, my integrity comes first. Every time.