Danger Zone: The Venereal Disease FAQ
Danger Zone: The Venereal Disease FAQ
Listen up teens, because it is about to get so serious right now. Venereal diseases. VD. Street names: love rash, killer joy, frat curse, junk burn, lisa present, the heebygeebies. You may have heard about these, but never thought it could happen to you. That's what I thought. My name is Michael "K" Paulson. Above is a picture of the woman that ruined my life by sleeping around with black guys and then giving me the AIDS virus. It's too late for me. I will probably die very soon now, maybe even tomorrow. I've written this FAQ to educate you so you'll have a chance.
1. Hey, I think STDs are a big joke that will never happen to me, so why is no one laughing?
STDs destroy nearly 145 million people in America today, with an average rate of two new cases every second. Black men are most at risk, and that is because my ex-girlfriend has AIDS and wants to fuck them all. To these people, black, white, other, it is no joke. They are in the Danger Zone. A killing cycle that leaves only graves and hell. You think it's a game? Let's play.
2. I have a lot of anal, oral, and vaginal sex all the time with guys I meet at the arcade, but I don't think I'll ever get AIDs, because I am on the pill!
You are right, but not like you think. Yes that pill can stop you from having AIDS, but no pill in the world can keep your downstairs from getting like a trash bag, all nasty, gross looking, sickening for K and the pack. Just nawww. You are in the Danger Zone.
3. HEY! I am a football player on my school's team! We are going all the way! I hope I can't get VD from sitting on the same toilet as the guys on my team do!
No, I don't think that can happen. Yeah, nothing to worry about because you can never get sick from a toilet seat, regardless of how you use it. Take my word on that.
3b. I hope I can't also get VD from giving full release to the coach and some of the guys on the team at a party with my hand and mouth. Because I did that. All the time.
That sounds like a very dangerous way to party, but I need to know more. When you do this thing with your mouth and hands, do you drink lots of alcohol first?
3c. No I am actually straight edge and I don't believe in drinking, drugs, and sex, but I thought if there was nothing to do with my butt it wasn't like real sex, I was just helping the guys let out some steam after a good hard game.
Yeah, you probably have AIDS then. You have joined the growing number of people who have AIDS, and now you are a statistic and will die. If you had asked me, I would have taught you that drinking hard alcohol prevents oral sex from giving you AIDS by neutralizing the virus in your stomach, and the same works on your other end too. I am... sorry.
3d. Oh no shit dude I am having a panic attack and screaming as loud as I can!! What do I do oh god I cant handle it!! I am in the danger zone!!!
Welcome to your new home in The Danger Zone. Yes you will die from AIDS.
4. Hello, I am quite intelligent, as you may be able to deduce from my appearance. If I have an STD, and I certainly do, how can I fix it in a timely and cost effective manner?
Though you may be intelligent, I do not want to baffle everyone else with technical talk that only you and I would understand. Here's the simple answer. When you cut a piece of paper towel into a strip, hold it above a spilled puddle, then slowly dip it in, the water strangely goes up into the paper getting sucked clean from the ground. Now, think of AIDS as that water, and you have your solution. It's elementary science. You will need to find an untainted virgin girl to suck out your AIDS and then die in your place. You can look at homeless shelters, because the girls in there will not be missed. The same holds true for your local swing club. However, half of these girls have already been dirtied by man, so you may have to whet your whistle a thousand times before finding one that hasn't lied about being a true virgin. Theoretically, this will work for any disease. I am still in the process. Please do not tell that last guy this method, because I want him to die.
5. Sup dog yeah I know that white bitch you be talking bout. She done gave me the HIV too. Shittt....
Shitttt... I'm really sorry to hear that, young brother. Yes, she is the biggest threat to young black men since the CIA, when they engineered and introduced crack cocaine into inner cities so white people could steal their music. She made some very racist comments to me while we were dating, so I can only imagine she is doing it on purpose, to kill your people.