(no subject)
This is going to be really long. And I honestly don't expect anyone to read it. I think I would just feel better if I wrote it all out. If you know what I mean. Which, you probably don't. Hm.
By the way, don't expect this to be about you. Thanks.
Isn't it odd how the people who, at one time or another, meant the world to you just fade away, in a sense? I mean, when you're inseparable, and one little thing can separate you forever? Then time passes, and they are so incredibly distant that they seem like just a figment of your imagination. You think to yourself, "Did I dream this entire thing?" And then it hits you. And you realize that it wasn't really a dream at all. But a lot has changed, and you don't really miss it, per say. You just needed that reality check. You needed to see a real life example of how much you have grown as a person. And somehow, in some sick twisted way, you feel better about yourself.
As much as I think so poorly of myself, I do think there's something good underneath. I am a good person with good intentions. But in all honesty, I'm really very tired of people trying to bring me down. A lot has gone wrong lately. I have made some mistakes, but now I am trying to focus on what really matters to me (what I really love). Lately I've noticed that I am unsure of who is "real", if there is such a thing. I wonder if "best friends" really do exist, and I'm beginning to think that perhaps they don't. (With one exception being Kellie). Still, there are some people whom I thought would ALWAYS be there for me, but I guess i was wrong, yet again. Sometimes i think all things going on around us are beautiful. Essentially, it is part of getting older. Sometimes I fear that when I look back on my life, it's going to feel unaccomplished.
Sometimes, I really don't like the way I am. I tend to over-analyze people too much. Then other times, I like that about myself. I am really tired of confusing the people that act as though they are my friends and later let me go for no reason, with those that are true to me as well as themselves. I wonder what people are thinking when they act on certain things. I want to be inside people's minds. I want to know what people think because, honestly, I don't know what goes on in my own mind anymore. I would like to consider myself as a well rounded person. Although, I still want to be trusted. I don't even know how to describe myself and it feels wrong.
I am a walking contradiction.
Someone shut me up now.