Review: The Dark Knight Rises
So, Bane was Bane because he dislocated some of Bruce's vertebrae? Because he sure didn't come across as Bane in any other way. The character background was all wrong. Okay, so he wasn't from a South American country and that's fine because all brown people are the same, right? And it turned out he wasn't a master strategist because he was just following Talia's plans. And his costume wasn't. There wasn't any venom, no steroids on crack; nope, those are just pain meds. And if he wasn't any of the former, what was he? Well, he raised and protected Talia which makes him... Ubu with a narcotics dependency. Mind you, the character was temporarily scary, until we learned he was just a particularly fanatical goon.
Catwoman wasn't in the movie. Catwoman wears a cat mask, carries a whip, has cats, sometimes tells cat jokes, has clawed gloves, can run away because she wears practical shoes, isn't so crap at her job that she's spent half her life in jail and absolutely does not wear a mask under her mask (except for that one issue where she did but there was a reason). Catwoman is not some emotionally stunted bitch who prefers chaos over personal comfort, because she is a gigantic hedonist. One might argue that Selina's costume passes as Catwoman's because the lenses form ear shapes when they're up, but they don't when they're down, now do they? The costume is genericville and, at best, a cute homage to Julie Newmar, little more than an easter egg. So, there was no Catwoman.
Worse, I liked Talia better than Selina. For those of you who know me, you can stop reading there, right? Selina was basically this gigantic bitch who repeatedly back-stabs Bruce. Because there were so many characters in the movie, there wasn't enough counter-characterization to sell me on anything more than a brief buddy team-up between her and Batman. But I'm supposed to believe there was some romance off screen, after the movie ended, because of that one scene? I guess Bruce just goes for abusive, emotionally avoidant women. But that's not what we see during his romance with Talia:
Talia's like, "I'm going to save your company, take care of all your problems and tuck you in at night." And Bruce is like, "Mommy! I love you bluh bluh bluh." And then suddenly! (Did time pass?! I couldn't tell). After the world's most abrupt scene cut, they're running around in the rain giggling and having sex. But you just know that TAS Bruce would have jimmied that lock all while distracting Talia with sweet talk and then claimed the door was just sticky from the rain. Movie Bruce is nowhere near that suave or competent.
Which means he fails the Batman test because Batman is good at everything. Nolan's Batman has got to be one of the most incompetent presentations of the character I have ever seen. Adam West's Batman was more impressive, more intelligent, more creative at problem solving.... Oh yes, hit it harder Bruce! ... *shrugs* Maybe he does prefer abusive women.
As I was saying, the dude doesn't know how to: Pick a lock, spot an imminent hostile takeover, do more than hit things with his fists, sometimes shoot them instead, go get some fucking joint replacement surgery (that wasn't a knee in that x-ray, btw), unless he got his patella's removed and whew, it's a good thing you can repair serious spinal injuries by yanking on your back, huh? I don't think Nolan!Batman could outsmart a five year old. He sure couldn't outsmart that random detective dude. Worse, I wouldn't be griping about any of that if the movies had simply presented a less realistic image of reality.
It seemed like most the movie centered on the Blake guy and I can only assume that name is another in-joke, just like his first name was. Both his names were a joke. So I guess we needed this everyman character so the audience could, like, identify with the average Gotham citizen or some shit? Because all those other perfectly serviceable characters were so off the wall with their stilted, wooden deliveries. No, we needed some new character to gently walk us through the narrative with its fifty repetitions of rise/fall motifs. It's, "Always try again" in case you missed it the first forty-nine times. OMG. *headdesks* He wasn't even Robin! No, that role was played by Selina Kyle. He wasn't Dick or Tim or Jason. He was Joe Schmoe to reinforce that Saturday Afternoon special message that anyone could be Batman.
What a steaming pile of garbage that movie was. I genuinely regret allowing Keith to badger me into going to see it with him. I was happy ignoring it, just like I'm ignoring the shippers squeeing over a 'ship that never happened.
Catwoman wasn't in the movie. Catwoman wears a cat mask, carries a whip, has cats, sometimes tells cat jokes, has clawed gloves, can run away because she wears practical shoes, isn't so crap at her job that she's spent half her life in jail and absolutely does not wear a mask under her mask (except for that one issue where she did but there was a reason). Catwoman is not some emotionally stunted bitch who prefers chaos over personal comfort, because she is a gigantic hedonist. One might argue that Selina's costume passes as Catwoman's because the lenses form ear shapes when they're up, but they don't when they're down, now do they? The costume is genericville and, at best, a cute homage to Julie Newmar, little more than an easter egg. So, there was no Catwoman.
Worse, I liked Talia better than Selina. For those of you who know me, you can stop reading there, right? Selina was basically this gigantic bitch who repeatedly back-stabs Bruce. Because there were so many characters in the movie, there wasn't enough counter-characterization to sell me on anything more than a brief buddy team-up between her and Batman. But I'm supposed to believe there was some romance off screen, after the movie ended, because of that one scene? I guess Bruce just goes for abusive, emotionally avoidant women. But that's not what we see during his romance with Talia:
Talia's like, "I'm going to save your company, take care of all your problems and tuck you in at night." And Bruce is like, "Mommy! I love you bluh bluh bluh." And then suddenly! (Did time pass?! I couldn't tell). After the world's most abrupt scene cut, they're running around in the rain giggling and having sex. But you just know that TAS Bruce would have jimmied that lock all while distracting Talia with sweet talk and then claimed the door was just sticky from the rain. Movie Bruce is nowhere near that suave or competent.
Which means he fails the Batman test because Batman is good at everything. Nolan's Batman has got to be one of the most incompetent presentations of the character I have ever seen. Adam West's Batman was more impressive, more intelligent, more creative at problem solving.... Oh yes, hit it harder Bruce! ... *shrugs* Maybe he does prefer abusive women.
As I was saying, the dude doesn't know how to: Pick a lock, spot an imminent hostile takeover, do more than hit things with his fists, sometimes shoot them instead, go get some fucking joint replacement surgery (that wasn't a knee in that x-ray, btw), unless he got his patella's removed and whew, it's a good thing you can repair serious spinal injuries by yanking on your back, huh? I don't think Nolan!Batman could outsmart a five year old. He sure couldn't outsmart that random detective dude. Worse, I wouldn't be griping about any of that if the movies had simply presented a less realistic image of reality.
It seemed like most the movie centered on the Blake guy and I can only assume that name is another in-joke, just like his first name was. Both his names were a joke. So I guess we needed this everyman character so the audience could, like, identify with the average Gotham citizen or some shit? Because all those other perfectly serviceable characters were so off the wall with their stilted, wooden deliveries. No, we needed some new character to gently walk us through the narrative with its fifty repetitions of rise/fall motifs. It's, "Always try again" in case you missed it the first forty-nine times. OMG. *headdesks* He wasn't even Robin! No, that role was played by Selina Kyle. He wasn't Dick or Tim or Jason. He was Joe Schmoe to reinforce that Saturday Afternoon special message that anyone could be Batman.
What a steaming pile of garbage that movie was. I genuinely regret allowing Keith to badger me into going to see it with him. I was happy ignoring it, just like I'm ignoring the shippers squeeing over a 'ship that never happened.