Enterprise: Broken Bow 1.2
You know how I often claim I'm reviewing something but I'm actually making shit up, which then acts as a simile for my opinion of actual events? I'm not even gonna try and hide it this time. We're re-watching ST: Enterprise aka T'Pol is a Snarky Bitch Who Mind-Sexes Indiscreetly. That's so you know what goggles I'm wearing, m'kay?
Broken Bow
After admiring the opening animation sequence, only to realize it was the menu gimmick, and frantically skipping past the horrible horrible opening emo song.... The trouble with human beings is that they're just like Klingons. No matter how the conversation starts out, it always ends with an uncomprehending stare followed by, "MWORF MWORF MWORF!!!" I mean, what the hell does, "Mworf mworf mworf" mean anyway? It is some sort of vague reference to a future security officer? The worst part is, you can't just shout back, "Kroika!" because your snippy boss would get on to you.
Then the silly one called Archer, who looks a great deal like an Orangutan, threatens to assault you and you work really hard not to bust out laughing, because you could hurl him across the room one handed while eating a cucumber sandwich with the other, but whatever. *eyebrow* Things go downhill from there when your snippy boss decides, that since you're young, you need experience. Which is fine, but the last time he had that grand idea, you wound up laying James Bond on some alien planet and murdering some guy - but the audience doesn't know that yet. He assigns you to oversee the impatient human crew of their brand new ship they can't wait to play with. Great.
Now we get to the simile. You're not longer a Vulcan being transplanted to a Human ship. Nope, you're a Human being transplanted onto a Klingon ship. First, as you head to the captain's quarters to report for duty, you overhear the morons practically shouting about how stupid, annoying and malicious Humans are. It's not as if you can't hear them through the door. Okay, fine; it's your job to put up with this crap. So you go in the room and it only takes a few seconds for you to realize it smells like unwashed armpit mixed with cow-patties. WTF? Surely it's not the new Klingon in the room... nope, not him, not Archer either. Where the hell is that godawful smell coming fro... oh. There's a nasty, slimy, filthy targ in the room. That's right; they keep pets. Gawd. Ew. Well, maybe if you ignore it it'll stay in its targy corner. Oh, but wait, now the Klingons are mocking you for having the audacity to be completely, involuntarily, revolted by the cow patty smell and carry on playing dumb, acting offended, as if they believe you were smelling them. Assholes. Mostly it's the second Klingon, though. It's not like you were going to complain and you don't, even when the orangutan goads you on the point. Okay, fine. Just finish up as fast as possible and escape the cow patty room which works great until the disgusting targ humps your leg. e_e
Later, you have dinner with the Captain Orangutan and Commander Asshole. It's a good thing you took some olfactory suppressant back in your quarters because their chef rolls out a plate of disgusting, squirming Gahk. Oh god, they're wriggling around and Commander Asshole looks thrilled. Look away from the slimy worms. Look away, um, find something else to do, like, cut the food stick they gave you. Which breaks, so then both of them are laughing at you again but, duh, utensils are meant to be used. Crap, you just saw Commander Asshole shove a great big mass of squirming worms in his mouth and he's chewing. Now he's swallowing. You're gonna hurl. Quickly, you find something to focus on and act like nothing's wrong and get to work methodically sawing through the food stick thing. Captain Orangutan makes some smart ass pointless comment and you snap back that your people quit eating bugs an evolutionary leap ago. You're gonna kill your boss when you get back home.
Later, you're doing your job, finally, and one of the supposedly elite bridge crew starts whining about how scared she is of some funny noises, instead of doing her job. You do more of your job and call her in line and she cusses you out. So much for rank and authority, here. Fine, whatever. Be polite and ignore the lack of support. Then some mysterious enemies attack and poof, your cargo disappears. Well, isn't that fucking great. You were the chaperon, which means you'll get blamed and it'll be data entry for the next six months. Wonderful, but instead of heading back to face the music, Captain Orangutan wants everyone to mill around searching for the stolen cargo. You have to work with Commander Asshole and you could tell them how to find the cargo but you're not allowed to do that because they would resent your people for effectively taking the credit. God bureaucracy is stupid, but that's your job. Of course, by then, you're so fed up you don't even care that you're shouting your conversation with Commander Asshole across Engineering while his minions tactfully ignore you two. Unfortunately, that means you both miss the hilarious, shippy framing shot that Captain Orangutan catches you in.
Seems they've found where the cargo might be so now you've got to chaperon the unruly bunch of violence prone, loud, nosy teenage Klingons off ship. The horror. You've learned the hard way to explain all the blatantly obvious details to them, so you run through the list, interrupted by Commander Asshole heckling you on a minor point. They'll find some excuse to harass you anyway, so you just go along with the stupid advice, repeating it back. If none of them appreciate your joke... well, that's Klingons for you.
But, remember, you're actually a Vulcan on a ship full of Humans.
Broken Bow
After admiring the opening animation sequence, only to realize it was the menu gimmick, and frantically skipping past the horrible horrible opening emo song.... The trouble with human beings is that they're just like Klingons. No matter how the conversation starts out, it always ends with an uncomprehending stare followed by, "MWORF MWORF MWORF!!!" I mean, what the hell does, "Mworf mworf mworf" mean anyway? It is some sort of vague reference to a future security officer? The worst part is, you can't just shout back, "Kroika!" because your snippy boss would get on to you.
Then the silly one called Archer, who looks a great deal like an Orangutan, threatens to assault you and you work really hard not to bust out laughing, because you could hurl him across the room one handed while eating a cucumber sandwich with the other, but whatever. *eyebrow* Things go downhill from there when your snippy boss decides, that since you're young, you need experience. Which is fine, but the last time he had that grand idea, you wound up laying James Bond on some alien planet and murdering some guy - but the audience doesn't know that yet. He assigns you to oversee the impatient human crew of their brand new ship they can't wait to play with. Great.
Now we get to the simile. You're not longer a Vulcan being transplanted to a Human ship. Nope, you're a Human being transplanted onto a Klingon ship. First, as you head to the captain's quarters to report for duty, you overhear the morons practically shouting about how stupid, annoying and malicious Humans are. It's not as if you can't hear them through the door. Okay, fine; it's your job to put up with this crap. So you go in the room and it only takes a few seconds for you to realize it smells like unwashed armpit mixed with cow-patties. WTF? Surely it's not the new Klingon in the room... nope, not him, not Archer either. Where the hell is that godawful smell coming fro... oh. There's a nasty, slimy, filthy targ in the room. That's right; they keep pets. Gawd. Ew. Well, maybe if you ignore it it'll stay in its targy corner. Oh, but wait, now the Klingons are mocking you for having the audacity to be completely, involuntarily, revolted by the cow patty smell and carry on playing dumb, acting offended, as if they believe you were smelling them. Assholes. Mostly it's the second Klingon, though. It's not like you were going to complain and you don't, even when the orangutan goads you on the point. Okay, fine. Just finish up as fast as possible and escape the cow patty room which works great until the disgusting targ humps your leg. e_e
Later, you have dinner with the Captain Orangutan and Commander Asshole. It's a good thing you took some olfactory suppressant back in your quarters because their chef rolls out a plate of disgusting, squirming Gahk. Oh god, they're wriggling around and Commander Asshole looks thrilled. Look away from the slimy worms. Look away, um, find something else to do, like, cut the food stick they gave you. Which breaks, so then both of them are laughing at you again but, duh, utensils are meant to be used. Crap, you just saw Commander Asshole shove a great big mass of squirming worms in his mouth and he's chewing. Now he's swallowing. You're gonna hurl. Quickly, you find something to focus on and act like nothing's wrong and get to work methodically sawing through the food stick thing. Captain Orangutan makes some smart ass pointless comment and you snap back that your people quit eating bugs an evolutionary leap ago. You're gonna kill your boss when you get back home.
Later, you're doing your job, finally, and one of the supposedly elite bridge crew starts whining about how scared she is of some funny noises, instead of doing her job. You do more of your job and call her in line and she cusses you out. So much for rank and authority, here. Fine, whatever. Be polite and ignore the lack of support. Then some mysterious enemies attack and poof, your cargo disappears. Well, isn't that fucking great. You were the chaperon, which means you'll get blamed and it'll be data entry for the next six months. Wonderful, but instead of heading back to face the music, Captain Orangutan wants everyone to mill around searching for the stolen cargo. You have to work with Commander Asshole and you could tell them how to find the cargo but you're not allowed to do that because they would resent your people for effectively taking the credit. God bureaucracy is stupid, but that's your job. Of course, by then, you're so fed up you don't even care that you're shouting your conversation with Commander Asshole across Engineering while his minions tactfully ignore you two. Unfortunately, that means you both miss the hilarious, shippy framing shot that Captain Orangutan catches you in.
Seems they've found where the cargo might be so now you've got to chaperon the unruly bunch of violence prone, loud, nosy teenage Klingons off ship. The horror. You've learned the hard way to explain all the blatantly obvious details to them, so you run through the list, interrupted by Commander Asshole heckling you on a minor point. They'll find some excuse to harass you anyway, so you just go along with the stupid advice, repeating it back. If none of them appreciate your joke... well, that's Klingons for you.
But, remember, you're actually a Vulcan on a ship full of Humans.