An actual post it would seem...
Wow...
I have changed into such a different person from what I used to be. However, sometimes when old behaviors pop up, I still act the way I did. Before I was the self confident, usually happy guy that I am now, I usually seemed happy on the outside to more then the casual observer. I would only really let my true feelings show through to only a handful of people. Kai was one, Baracuda, and also Richie. Now, I haven't ever named Richie before, so the reasoning behind that is, at one point, he and his family called me The Fonz. Anyways, my point is, not everyone would see me this way. My Ex-wife usually didn't really see all the turmoil, pain, or whatever that I had going on. I always felt that I had to put up a front, be happy, and just overall cheerful. I always thought that people relied on that, and to somewhat an extent, they did. I used to be a sponge to everyone. They would dump all their problems, random emotions, and just extra crap on me to the point where I had very few people that I could actually rely on to listen to me. So, if I was cheerful and happy to them, they still needed me, and I could pretend everything was just fine.
It would get to the point where if I would start feeling any negativity creep out, I would just get mad and frustrated at myself for letting it out. That would just continue the cycle of self destructive thoughts and what not that I had. On top of that, I was in a relationship with someone that would tear me apart if I showed signs of weakness, regardless of the cause or the need for healing.
I have since changed. Yet that doesn't mean that the some of those behaviors have gone completely away.
I let some emotion out last night, ended up just stressing about nothing, then getting mad at myself for letting it out, thinking it was the end of the world. Of course it wasn't. Nothing happened in acuatlity, but I let it effect me to the point where I didn't sleep well. In fact I barely slept at all. So, because of that, those negative, self destructive feelings kept following me through the day. The fact that I was kind of cranky because of sleep loss just added on top of that. It was really building, and on top of that, I was getting mad at myself because I fell back into that whole, "I can't be upset" mode that I was in. After just sitting down for a few, taking a deep breath, a nice calm came over me. On top of that, I just came to realize again that I am human. I'm going to have bad days just like everyone else. And on top of that, It's alright.
And I guess this is part of me just letting it all go. And the funny thing is, I just had a dumb relapse into something I didn't htink was there anymore, but was able to get out of it with help from someone who didn't know she was helping. So, kudos to you who deserves it. You are always there, picking me up when I stumble. Thanks for that. =P
I have changed into such a different person from what I used to be. However, sometimes when old behaviors pop up, I still act the way I did. Before I was the self confident, usually happy guy that I am now, I usually seemed happy on the outside to more then the casual observer. I would only really let my true feelings show through to only a handful of people. Kai was one, Baracuda, and also Richie. Now, I haven't ever named Richie before, so the reasoning behind that is, at one point, he and his family called me The Fonz. Anyways, my point is, not everyone would see me this way. My Ex-wife usually didn't really see all the turmoil, pain, or whatever that I had going on. I always felt that I had to put up a front, be happy, and just overall cheerful. I always thought that people relied on that, and to somewhat an extent, they did. I used to be a sponge to everyone. They would dump all their problems, random emotions, and just extra crap on me to the point where I had very few people that I could actually rely on to listen to me. So, if I was cheerful and happy to them, they still needed me, and I could pretend everything was just fine.
It would get to the point where if I would start feeling any negativity creep out, I would just get mad and frustrated at myself for letting it out. That would just continue the cycle of self destructive thoughts and what not that I had. On top of that, I was in a relationship with someone that would tear me apart if I showed signs of weakness, regardless of the cause or the need for healing.
I have since changed. Yet that doesn't mean that the some of those behaviors have gone completely away.
I let some emotion out last night, ended up just stressing about nothing, then getting mad at myself for letting it out, thinking it was the end of the world. Of course it wasn't. Nothing happened in acuatlity, but I let it effect me to the point where I didn't sleep well. In fact I barely slept at all. So, because of that, those negative, self destructive feelings kept following me through the day. The fact that I was kind of cranky because of sleep loss just added on top of that. It was really building, and on top of that, I was getting mad at myself because I fell back into that whole, "I can't be upset" mode that I was in. After just sitting down for a few, taking a deep breath, a nice calm came over me. On top of that, I just came to realize again that I am human. I'm going to have bad days just like everyone else. And on top of that, It's alright.
And I guess this is part of me just letting it all go. And the funny thing is, I just had a dumb relapse into something I didn't htink was there anymore, but was able to get out of it with help from someone who didn't know she was helping. So, kudos to you who deserves it. You are always there, picking me up when I stumble. Thanks for that. =P