From the desk of the confused and depressed...
I don't know if I've been putting this off, or if I just can't seem to get my mind in order to actually put any of this down.
The last few nights I have been having the hardest time falling asleep. When I did fall asleep, I was waking up again in about a thirty of forty minutes. Then, it was tough to fall back asleep again. I always hate it when that happens. Sadly, I think it's due to a huge amount of stress, which is really getting me down and depressed. I had really hoped I wouldn't end up here, but it's got to happen every now and then, it would seem. After all, how can you rise from the ashes if you don't crash and burn?
I start my new job on Monday. I'm extremely excited about that. The good news is, I'm done working at my old job. The bad news is, I'm not really done working at my old job. After a lot of time and consideration, I'm going to be staying on there on Sundays. After doing some math and weighing the decision greatly, I think that giving up one day a week for a gain of about $300 a month makes it worth it. My money problems are really hurting me, and this will help me be able to get back to a more positive living situation. I won't be counting every penny and driving around on fumes. One of the big reasons I wanted to quit in the first place was that I am getting so sick and tired of retail. It's really tearing my apart, dealing with negative, angry people almost every day. I get tired of getting yelled at by someone when it is in no way at all my fault. Although my new job is in a call center, I don't deal with the general public, and on top of that, it's not a job with a glass ceiling like I have at my old job. The fact that they pay for tuition for college and have a ton of other benefits makes it an ideal place to work. It's just stressful having to switch over to something new. I'm scared that this job is too good to be true, or that something will happen that will just make everything fall apart. There is nothing in my control about that, and I know I have nothing to worry about, but at the same time, it's the idea that I don't have a definate answer that is starting to get to me.
And honestly, definate answers in my life seem to be plaguing me right now. The job, the future, and every other aspect of my life is kind of seeming up in the air. I don't know what exactly is going on with my new job, I don't know where i'm going to be living after December (if I'll still be in Phx, or if i'll get a chance to move), and there are other, personal aspects that seem to be up in the air which give me a great deal of stress as well.
I feel almost as if I'm being abandoned by those close to me, when I know it's not true. It's tough being on different schedules then those close to me. I have someone I love that I am losing touch with due to differeing schedules. I hope that this new job helps with that, however, that might not be the fix that needs to happen. And with that, I'm stressed to no end because I have no idea how things will play out, and there is just this whole sense of unknown there. I also feel that my friends have been leaving me, when in actuallity I have been the one withdrawing. Being depressed in the way that I am has made it very hard to try and get together with friends, talk to them, and also just try and get out and have some fun. The whole different schedule thing kind of comes into play there as well. The only person that I don't really feel like this with is my sister. But, I've been so down lately that I've been an ass. She's understanding and everything, so that's not too much of a problem, but I feel kind of bad.
I always hate going around, knowing what I want, yet knowing that I can't have it. Even when I get a hint of it, I become happy, yet sad, knowing that I can't have the whole thing. I'm usually a patient person when it comes to a great deal of matters, but I also am trying to look out for myself more then I ever have. It's tough when you have spent most of your life giving yourself over to other people. So, i'm going to really try and live for myself some more. I just hope it doesn't hurt anyone in the process.
Wow. I didn't realize I was going to type this much, or be that blunt with myself. Sorry all for the long post.
Oh, and Rachel, I LOVED the dvd. Thank you so much. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. And yes, I think that paper powers like that would kick ass.
The last few nights I have been having the hardest time falling asleep. When I did fall asleep, I was waking up again in about a thirty of forty minutes. Then, it was tough to fall back asleep again. I always hate it when that happens. Sadly, I think it's due to a huge amount of stress, which is really getting me down and depressed. I had really hoped I wouldn't end up here, but it's got to happen every now and then, it would seem. After all, how can you rise from the ashes if you don't crash and burn?
I start my new job on Monday. I'm extremely excited about that. The good news is, I'm done working at my old job. The bad news is, I'm not really done working at my old job. After a lot of time and consideration, I'm going to be staying on there on Sundays. After doing some math and weighing the decision greatly, I think that giving up one day a week for a gain of about $300 a month makes it worth it. My money problems are really hurting me, and this will help me be able to get back to a more positive living situation. I won't be counting every penny and driving around on fumes. One of the big reasons I wanted to quit in the first place was that I am getting so sick and tired of retail. It's really tearing my apart, dealing with negative, angry people almost every day. I get tired of getting yelled at by someone when it is in no way at all my fault. Although my new job is in a call center, I don't deal with the general public, and on top of that, it's not a job with a glass ceiling like I have at my old job. The fact that they pay for tuition for college and have a ton of other benefits makes it an ideal place to work. It's just stressful having to switch over to something new. I'm scared that this job is too good to be true, or that something will happen that will just make everything fall apart. There is nothing in my control about that, and I know I have nothing to worry about, but at the same time, it's the idea that I don't have a definate answer that is starting to get to me.
And honestly, definate answers in my life seem to be plaguing me right now. The job, the future, and every other aspect of my life is kind of seeming up in the air. I don't know what exactly is going on with my new job, I don't know where i'm going to be living after December (if I'll still be in Phx, or if i'll get a chance to move), and there are other, personal aspects that seem to be up in the air which give me a great deal of stress as well.
I feel almost as if I'm being abandoned by those close to me, when I know it's not true. It's tough being on different schedules then those close to me. I have someone I love that I am losing touch with due to differeing schedules. I hope that this new job helps with that, however, that might not be the fix that needs to happen. And with that, I'm stressed to no end because I have no idea how things will play out, and there is just this whole sense of unknown there. I also feel that my friends have been leaving me, when in actuallity I have been the one withdrawing. Being depressed in the way that I am has made it very hard to try and get together with friends, talk to them, and also just try and get out and have some fun. The whole different schedule thing kind of comes into play there as well. The only person that I don't really feel like this with is my sister. But, I've been so down lately that I've been an ass. She's understanding and everything, so that's not too much of a problem, but I feel kind of bad.
I always hate going around, knowing what I want, yet knowing that I can't have it. Even when I get a hint of it, I become happy, yet sad, knowing that I can't have the whole thing. I'm usually a patient person when it comes to a great deal of matters, but I also am trying to look out for myself more then I ever have. It's tough when you have spent most of your life giving yourself over to other people. So, i'm going to really try and live for myself some more. I just hope it doesn't hurt anyone in the process.
Wow. I didn't realize I was going to type this much, or be that blunt with myself. Sorry all for the long post.
Oh, and Rachel, I LOVED the dvd. Thank you so much. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. And yes, I think that paper powers like that would kick ass.