And now for part 2...
Frak. Where do I start? First of all, my sister is doing much better. She's still on a very mild diet, but she is going to go back to work tomorrow and everything will be ok.
Man, I was scared. When I was married...
Nevermind. I'm feeling too stressed about everything right now to even say anything. I have a new job working for an insurance company starting on Monday. It's going to kick ass. My love life is really odd/confusing, but i'm hopeful as always. My financial situation is getting better, but I'm still letting it get to me. And I feel like I'm starting to let people down again just based on decisions that I have made. And I don't want to let someone in particular down. And if you read this journal at all, I'm sure you can guess who it is. I put blame on myself for things that I 1) have no control over and 2) things where no blame should be put on me at all. Now, this person isn't blaming me in any way. There is no negativity, but I feel like I lost a chance for something great, but I'm not sure if I have really lost it or not. I'm hoping that with this new job, and the new schedule I'll be keeping, things might be able to click again. I hate not talking to the person of my affections. But, I really think that by making the decision to stay here, I might have ruined anything of a higher/closer relationship. And I know that I really am doing the right thing by not moving when I'm not prepared for it... but it's just tough.
It's like my love life is teaching me things, which it could be. I don't really count Anyone before Ashley, mainly because it's all one frakin' mess. But, Ashley, in her weird way taught me that I need to stand up for myself, take care of myself, and not let people push me around. Kai taught me that I can be loved and cared for in a real way just for being who I am. French Kitty taught me that I can trust my feelings again, that I really was right and those nagging feelings I have ring true. Well, maybe the new lesson I have here is that I can be cared and loved by someone other then Kai, who I thought was the only person who could actually accept me for who I was. Everything was so real with PP, and I still feel like it could be. It's not just blind optimism, it's actual gut, I KNOW this feelings. Reality sinks in here and there and what I notice is that it's not really different from the feelings that I am having about the whole situation. So, where is it leading to? I'm not sure. I just know that I'm not going to let go of her in my life very easily. If I have to let her out of my heart, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Man, I was scared. When I was married...
Nevermind. I'm feeling too stressed about everything right now to even say anything. I have a new job working for an insurance company starting on Monday. It's going to kick ass. My love life is really odd/confusing, but i'm hopeful as always. My financial situation is getting better, but I'm still letting it get to me. And I feel like I'm starting to let people down again just based on decisions that I have made. And I don't want to let someone in particular down. And if you read this journal at all, I'm sure you can guess who it is. I put blame on myself for things that I 1) have no control over and 2) things where no blame should be put on me at all. Now, this person isn't blaming me in any way. There is no negativity, but I feel like I lost a chance for something great, but I'm not sure if I have really lost it or not. I'm hoping that with this new job, and the new schedule I'll be keeping, things might be able to click again. I hate not talking to the person of my affections. But, I really think that by making the decision to stay here, I might have ruined anything of a higher/closer relationship. And I know that I really am doing the right thing by not moving when I'm not prepared for it... but it's just tough.
It's like my love life is teaching me things, which it could be. I don't really count Anyone before Ashley, mainly because it's all one frakin' mess. But, Ashley, in her weird way taught me that I need to stand up for myself, take care of myself, and not let people push me around. Kai taught me that I can be loved and cared for in a real way just for being who I am. French Kitty taught me that I can trust my feelings again, that I really was right and those nagging feelings I have ring true. Well, maybe the new lesson I have here is that I can be cared and loved by someone other then Kai, who I thought was the only person who could actually accept me for who I was. Everything was so real with PP, and I still feel like it could be. It's not just blind optimism, it's actual gut, I KNOW this feelings. Reality sinks in here and there and what I notice is that it's not really different from the feelings that I am having about the whole situation. So, where is it leading to? I'm not sure. I just know that I'm not going to let go of her in my life very easily. If I have to let her out of my heart, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.