Thanks Brenda, this is making me feel better.
List ten things you want to say to ten people but know you never will; don't say who they are. Feel free to comment, but I'm not confirming or answering anything. Never discuss it again outside of this post.
1. You have no idea how much you've hurt me. Our friendship has meant so much to me and you're just willing to recycle me and throw everything away because you don't think I approve of specific lifestyle choices of yours. I think you are a self-centered snob looking for yourself in other people and it's a complete waste of your time. I do miss you. And I'm trying to get along without you but I don't know if I can. And I know I'm better than you, but I just can't seem to fully believe it.
2. I love you so much, and you'll never fully understand it. No real reason except you're a great person. I respect you so because you live your life the way I wish I could live mine. I feel bad that I can't express this the way I would like to but maybe someday.
3. I am so scared when you're not around. I am one thousand percent comfortable with you, but feel very small when you're not with me. The safty net that you provide makes me feel like I could fall from...way high up and have complete confidence you would be there.
4. I'm pretty sure you're pissing away all your potential for nothing. It really annoys me to watch you go about your daily life like you mean nothing to the people around you. You need to quit that shit right now because if you don't, I don't think I'll be able to be your friend anymore. I'm sick of picking you up. Mostly because I know how great you actually are, and pretending that you are not great when you are is irritating. I want you to be in love with yourself. You need it.
5. There is no reason you need to walk around like a snotty-nosed bitch. Your superior attitude makes me want to hurl sharp objects. Part of me doesn't even want to pay attention to you, but I have to because we're friends. I hate how I can never tell if it's actually you I'm speaking with because I completly trust the real you. We haven't really been friends that long but I know we will bump into each other a lot in the future and I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous about it.
6. I hope someday you treat people with the respect and support they deserve. I hate watching you play favorites even though I am one. I'm not doing the best I can and you are still nice to me. I don't get it. Other people are working their ass off and you don't even care. It's really annoying to never know what to expect from you and to listen to you talk about people behind their backs. I'm not convinced you are doing a good job.
7. You are an arrogant asshole who needs to be put in your place. I'm so glad you are going to be gone next year because I seriosly have never held so much disdain for one person my whole life. You treated me like crap and were so disrespectful. Even though I havn't had to deal with you this year (thank god) I still cringe every time I see you. You're not smarter than people, you're just older. You are rude to people who don't pick up concepts as quickly as you would like. Goodbye and good riddance.
8. Thanks for all the shit you forced me to deal with. I can't talk to you and never could, but just you being present in my life made me realize I had to go through I lot more before I was ready for my second year of college. You made me think and feel things I hadn't before. I respect and admire you so much - how honest and driven you are. Thanks for the awkward times and the intellectual stimulation. Maybe someday we will be comfortable enough to be friends again.
9. Somewhere, way deep down, I think maybe I feel bad about what happened between us. You meant so much to me and shattered my heart into a gazillion pieces. So much disrespect and such a demeaning attitude all because this was your twisted way of protecting me. I understand that, but I hope you understand that I had no freedom and I couldn't function that way. I think maybe the reason I dislike you so much is because at the end things were so bad, I blocked out everything that was good. I mean, I honestly can't remember what it felt like to feel things about you. I remember driving in the car and having fun, but in terms of feeling lovey with you it's all blocked. You don't have to worry about me though; I don't want you back. But please keep avoiding eye contact with me because I can't handle the choices you've made with your life. It's the choices and friendship betrayals that I can't deal with.
10. Sorry about how shitty of a person I was in high school. You probably don't even think of me anymore, off at MSU and all, but you were a really important person in my life for a few weeks. When everything happened at church you were there for me and I will never be able to express how much I needed you and loved that you were right there. I tried to tell you so many times, but I always got nervous and ran out. I was that creepy person that called you to tell you thanks for being there that always hung up because I was too ashamed of my behavior. From one Catholic to another, here is my confession: I found you completely fascinating, and I was scared out of my God damned mind. Driving around aimlessly listening to Pink Floyd in your truck, barbeques on some random person's sidewalk with your friends, and working together on church projects. I felt so indescribibly close to you and I was terrified. I don't think things ever would have worked out between us anyway, and I know you know that too, but I wish we could still be a part of each other's lives.
1. You have no idea how much you've hurt me. Our friendship has meant so much to me and you're just willing to recycle me and throw everything away because you don't think I approve of specific lifestyle choices of yours. I think you are a self-centered snob looking for yourself in other people and it's a complete waste of your time. I do miss you. And I'm trying to get along without you but I don't know if I can. And I know I'm better than you, but I just can't seem to fully believe it.
2. I love you so much, and you'll never fully understand it. No real reason except you're a great person. I respect you so because you live your life the way I wish I could live mine. I feel bad that I can't express this the way I would like to but maybe someday.
3. I am so scared when you're not around. I am one thousand percent comfortable with you, but feel very small when you're not with me. The safty net that you provide makes me feel like I could fall from...way high up and have complete confidence you would be there.
4. I'm pretty sure you're pissing away all your potential for nothing. It really annoys me to watch you go about your daily life like you mean nothing to the people around you. You need to quit that shit right now because if you don't, I don't think I'll be able to be your friend anymore. I'm sick of picking you up. Mostly because I know how great you actually are, and pretending that you are not great when you are is irritating. I want you to be in love with yourself. You need it.
5. There is no reason you need to walk around like a snotty-nosed bitch. Your superior attitude makes me want to hurl sharp objects. Part of me doesn't even want to pay attention to you, but I have to because we're friends. I hate how I can never tell if it's actually you I'm speaking with because I completly trust the real you. We haven't really been friends that long but I know we will bump into each other a lot in the future and I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous about it.
6. I hope someday you treat people with the respect and support they deserve. I hate watching you play favorites even though I am one. I'm not doing the best I can and you are still nice to me. I don't get it. Other people are working their ass off and you don't even care. It's really annoying to never know what to expect from you and to listen to you talk about people behind their backs. I'm not convinced you are doing a good job.
7. You are an arrogant asshole who needs to be put in your place. I'm so glad you are going to be gone next year because I seriosly have never held so much disdain for one person my whole life. You treated me like crap and were so disrespectful. Even though I havn't had to deal with you this year (thank god) I still cringe every time I see you. You're not smarter than people, you're just older. You are rude to people who don't pick up concepts as quickly as you would like. Goodbye and good riddance.
8. Thanks for all the shit you forced me to deal with. I can't talk to you and never could, but just you being present in my life made me realize I had to go through I lot more before I was ready for my second year of college. You made me think and feel things I hadn't before. I respect and admire you so much - how honest and driven you are. Thanks for the awkward times and the intellectual stimulation. Maybe someday we will be comfortable enough to be friends again.
9. Somewhere, way deep down, I think maybe I feel bad about what happened between us. You meant so much to me and shattered my heart into a gazillion pieces. So much disrespect and such a demeaning attitude all because this was your twisted way of protecting me. I understand that, but I hope you understand that I had no freedom and I couldn't function that way. I think maybe the reason I dislike you so much is because at the end things were so bad, I blocked out everything that was good. I mean, I honestly can't remember what it felt like to feel things about you. I remember driving in the car and having fun, but in terms of feeling lovey with you it's all blocked. You don't have to worry about me though; I don't want you back. But please keep avoiding eye contact with me because I can't handle the choices you've made with your life. It's the choices and friendship betrayals that I can't deal with.
10. Sorry about how shitty of a person I was in high school. You probably don't even think of me anymore, off at MSU and all, but you were a really important person in my life for a few weeks. When everything happened at church you were there for me and I will never be able to express how much I needed you and loved that you were right there. I tried to tell you so many times, but I always got nervous and ran out. I was that creepy person that called you to tell you thanks for being there that always hung up because I was too ashamed of my behavior. From one Catholic to another, here is my confession: I found you completely fascinating, and I was scared out of my God damned mind. Driving around aimlessly listening to Pink Floyd in your truck, barbeques on some random person's sidewalk with your friends, and working together on church projects. I felt so indescribibly close to you and I was terrified. I don't think things ever would have worked out between us anyway, and I know you know that too, but I wish we could still be a part of each other's lives.