Because I'm just that fucking witty...
Steps for writing a research paper the Honorary Asian way:
* Go to bed two nights before the paper is due, but just before drifting off to sleep, realize that you have a bloody paper due in approximately 36 hours. Freak out.
*Since you’re freaked out about flunking out of college and can no longer sleep, get back up and make yourself a sandwich. Play on Facebook for a while. Fall asleep at your desk only after the sun starts to rise and birds chirp at your window.
*Wake up around 3PM (it’s Sunday, you can get away with this).
*Go to the store. Buy soda. Lots of soda.
*You know what? While you’re at it, get that bag of Reese’s cups. And the miniature Snickers bars. Ooh, don’t forget the KitKats!
*After dropping the supplies back at your place, head over to the university library to get research materials. Ignore the list of recommended readings that your professor handed out (not that you know where that list is anymore, though it’s probably under a pile of papers on your desk-it made for good padding the night before when you fell asleep there) and semi-randomly grab books off the shelves that most relate to what you’re researching. Head back home with an armful of books, half of which you have no intention of reading in much depth.
*Instead of starting your paper, suddenly remember all of the errands you haven’t finished in oh, say, the last week. Do your laundry, empty all trash, call your mother, wash dishes (including your roommate’s, even though she eats smelly Ukrainian food and you kind of gag as you scrub the moldy Ukrainian food remnants off the plates).
*Finally sit down, the books piled up on the coffee table in front of you. Stare at the books.
*After several minutes, grab the Tivo remote and scroll down your recorded programs. Make a promise to yourself that you can watch Ugly Betty as long as you start looking through research materials during the commercial breaks.
*Since one of the joys of having (and paying for) Tivo is skipping commercials, fast-forward through all the commercials and completely ignore the increasingly ominous pile of books in front of you. Feel a little bit bad about breaking that promise to yourself, but then decide you don’t care.
*Watch a few hours of the Halloween movie marathon on Spike TV. Declare to nobody in particular that Jack Nicholson was both amazing and thoroughly creepy in The Shining.
*At midnight, start looking through your research materials.
*Get a giant stack of brightly colored Post-Its. Anytime you feel that something is even slightly relevant to your paper, slap one on the page. If for no other reason, it proves to your roommates (who have come through the room several times by now giving looks that show varying degrees of disapproval) that you’re doing something.
*Having decided on the research materials you’re actually going to use, grab your Post-it covered books and head over to your desk. Proceed to check your e-mail and CNN Online, both of which you consider to be very serious ventures.
*Turn from “very serious ventures” to Facebook.
*Disconnect your Ethernet cable from your laptop and start writing like your life depends on it.
*Four hours later, voila! One six page research paper, complete with works cited page.
And that, kids, is how it’s done. Fuck yeah.