The emotional wall
I have a mortar and bricks and I'm putting up that wall. I need to do this, why? Because I'm tired. Tired of getting fucked over all the time. I tried not to be this way. It seems that every time I let the guard down, I get run over and I'm fuckin tired of it. Do I go back to playa-playa mode??? No, I'm tired of that mess, it seems that getting the trim has long been a pursuit and its not fun anymore. I can detach way too easy and the emotion has long been gone. Erica left and didn't come back, Carolyn is in her own deluded ass world. Amy was a lost cause from the get-go. Anyone else that wants to take a shot at me has better line it up good, becuase once the wall is finished, you don't get a shot at me....ever. I know that sucks, but too fuckin bad. I'm tired of being "the nice guy" cause all I get is fucked over. It seems like there is this neon sign over my head instructing people to do me dirty, leave me, hurt me manipulate me and otherwise fuck me over. I know I have done wrong by some people. I admit that, but I didn't deserve to get fucked over as hard as I have been. I try to be nice and when the folks don't want to be let down easy I do what I gotta do. I admit until the cows come home, leave and come home again. I fucked up with Amy, she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was too busy trying to play around instead of taking care of business with a woman who would have done damn near anything for me. I did this to myself and no I have no else to blame. I'm hurting, and its all my own doing. I'm reaping all the shit I did to others. But the thing that pisses me off is this, why do I have the feeling that all these others are living their lives blissfully despite all the bullshit they did to me and I have to bear the cross for the things I did to others. Its not fair and its not right. It sure as hell ain't okay.
I was watching TV the other night and I saw this dude that was saying stuff like he does what he does because he figures he'll get left or hurt or otherwise fucked over so he has his escape hatch ready. That and he's distant and cold to keep himself from getting hurt. I can relate and I can understand what he feels. I feel like when I open up and try to be as honest and as forthcoming. I get pushed away, all the time being asked why aren't I being more honest and the other person, being less and less forthcoming. I don't get it. I wish I could wipe the fuckin slate clean and not have to pay karma back for the minor bullshit that I have done to other women, cuz thats what I think this is, karma biting me in the ass.
I was watching TV the other night and I saw this dude that was saying stuff like he does what he does because he figures he'll get left or hurt or otherwise fucked over so he has his escape hatch ready. That and he's distant and cold to keep himself from getting hurt. I can relate and I can understand what he feels. I feel like when I open up and try to be as honest and as forthcoming. I get pushed away, all the time being asked why aren't I being more honest and the other person, being less and less forthcoming. I don't get it. I wish I could wipe the fuckin slate clean and not have to pay karma back for the minor bullshit that I have done to other women, cuz thats what I think this is, karma biting me in the ass.