The Sharing of Breath, Part IV
Title: The Sharing of Breath (Part 4 of 4)
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for language)
Type: Multi-chap, completed, angst, romance
Summary:When Sirius’ miserable moods suggest that everything is going wrong,something starts to go right. A “how they got together” story.
Author’s Notes:Written because sometimes it's Remus who wants to always climb intoSirius' bed.
Links to previous parts:
Part I
Part II
Part III
XXXXXXX
Part IV
XXXXXXX
“You seem to be in a better mood,” said James, sliding into the seat next to Sirius in History of Magic during one of the first days of class of the new year. He took out some parchment and a self-inking quill and readied them for a nice game of hangman.
“Do I? Why aren’t you sitting with Evans?” Sirius watched James make the dashes for the puzzle. “A.”
James wrote down one A. “She’s sitting with Remus. Look.”
Sirius looked at the desks behind him, where James usually sat with Lily. Remus was sitting in James’ place, discussing something with Lily. It looked important, but Sirius couldn’t imagine what it could possibly be. He wasn’t really aware that Lily and Remus were even friends outside of studying with one another for Charms or Defense. Since Gryffindor shared History of Magic with the Ravenclaws, Peter had taken it upon himself to sit with Carmine Brocklehurst, a seventh-year in that house. Carmine took about as good of notes as Remus and seemed oblivious whenever Peter stared at his parchment, copying everything he wrote.
James elbowed Sirius. “Go. Gimme another letter.”
“Er, all right. B.”
“If you go in order you’re gonna get hangman,” said James, adding a circle for the head on the hangman.
“Fine. L.”
“Oh, good one. There’s an L.”
“What’re they talking about?” asked Sirius, gesturing back to Remus and Lily.
“Worried your boyfriend is gossiping behind your back?” smirked James. “That’s what girlfriends do, y’know.”
“First of all,” said Sirius, lowering his voice, “he’s not my boyfriend. Second of all, he’s not a girl.”
“I reckoned he’d be the girl in the relationship,” said James.
“D. And no. Neither of us would be the girls. Shut up, Prongs.”
James scribbled a D on the parchment. “Someone has to be the girl, yeah? One has to be the top, the other the bottom.”
“Would you shut up? We’re not together.”
“You should be.”
Sirius stared at James as Binns drifted into the classroom through the front wall and began to lecture the class on what seemed like the thirty-seven thousandth Goblin Revolt.
“Don’t say shit like that to me,” snapped Sirius. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I saw how you were over Christmas. So’d Lily. I’m not completely thick. Pick another letter.”
“The first word is my name. You’re so predictable.”
“Pick a letter.”
“Christ, fine. P. We were nothing over Christmas.”
James shook his head. “You were all over each other. I think even Peter noticed.”
“Well, goddamn if Peter noticed I’m surprised Professor Binns hasn’t.”
“You’re no fun when you get snarky. You can’t deny that you fancy him now, though. It’s rather clear.”
Sirius felt his body grow hot with annoyance and anger. “F. O. T.”
“You can’t choose three letters in a row.”
“Watch me.”
James sighed and added in the letters.
“What the fuck is that?” asked Sirius, looking at the puzzle. “Padfoot ... lo ... oo ... That’s what it says.”
“That’s what it says ‘cause you haven’t guessed the other letters!”
Sirius sighed and glanced at the puzzle again. “James, if you’re my best mate you’ll respect my wishes, right?”
“Uh, sure,” said James with a smirk. “What’re your wishes?”
“Don’t smile at me like that. I don’t want to talk about Remus. Drop it. I swear to Merlin, if you don’t drop it I’m going to fucking go mad. M.”
James wrote down an M.
“E.”
James wrote an E.
Sirius looked at the puzzle and suddenly, it made sense. “I’m going to fucking kill you.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” James handed the puzzle to Sirius. “What’s it say?”
Sirius shook his head, refusing to answer.
“What’s it say?”
Binns floated over and hovered about a foot above the ground in front of James and Sirius.
“Mr. Potts, Mr. Brown, do we have a problem here?”
Sirius shook his head. “No.”
“Very well, then,” said Binns, and floated back up to the front of the classroom. He droned on about the Goblin Revolts as though he’d never paused his lecture.
Sirius sat in silence for the rest of the class period. He crossed his arms over his chest and slouched in his chair. James had really hacked him off this time.
At the end of the period, Sirius collected his school things and shoved the hangman game to James, not wanting to even look at it.
“Are you all right?” Remus asked, coming up behind them.
“Sirius is in a mood,” replied James, standing up and throwing his satchel over his shoulder and putting an arm around Lily who had just walked up as well. “I think he blames me for it.”
“I do blame you for it,” grumbled Sirius.
Remus looked down at the desks. “Playing games again? You know, one day you might want to take ...”
When his voice trailed off, Sirius inwardly groaned. He knew that Remus was a clever bloke and must have figured out James’ little puzzle.
_P_ _A_ _D_ _F_ _O_ _O_ _T_
_L_ _O_ ____ _E_ ___
_M_ _O_ _O_ ___ ___ !
“Hmmm,” hummed Remus, going rather pink about the ears and neck.
Sirius was furious.
“It’s just a joke,” defended James.
“It’s not a very funny one,” Sirius barked.
“Hey, guys,” said Peter, walking up. “What’s that?”
“Nothing!” snarled Sirius, snatching the hangman and crumpling it up into a tight paper ball.
“Sirius ...” said Remus, placing a hand on his shoulder. Sirius shrugged him off.
“Don’t,” he said.
“James’ puzzle was stupid,” said Remus, “so don’t take it so seriously.”
Lily whispered something in James’ ear and they both began to back away and move towards the door. The rest of the class was already gone and Binns had disappeared through the wall again.
“We’re going to gets seats in the Great Hall,” said Lily, tugging on James’ sleeve. “We’ll save you two some food if you’re late. Come on, Peter.”
As soon as they were out of sight, Remus immediately said, “Did I make you uncomfortable over Christmas holiday? I thought what we did was shared, but if I did something you didn’t like, then I’m very sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything,” said Sirius, sighing and jumping up to sit on top of his desk. “This feels so weird and I suppose that, y’know, it’s even weirder that people know.”
“Only James and Lily suspect.”
Sirius shrugged. “They’re people.”
Remus took a step closer to Sirius. “If I’m making you uncomfortable, I can stop.”
“You’re not,” said Sirius. “You’re not. I’m doing it to myself.”
“We don’t have to-”
“No,” said Sirius. He reached out and took hold of the front of Remus’ open robes and pulled him to him. He clung to him, breathing into his neck. “I’m sorry.”
Sirius lifted his head and looked at Remus. The boy wasn’t particularly tall or good-looking. He had that uneven scar that ran across the bridge of his nose and his sandy-brown hair fell all the way down to his eyes, almost hiding them. He was all straight lines no matter which angle you looked at him. There weren’t any curves. His mouth was thin, his hands big, and his neck contained an Adam’s apple. He was a boy who was turning into a man and no matter how hard Sirius tried, he couldn’t keep from wanting him. It was something he was trying to accept, but so far couldn’t.
His eyes strayed down to Remus’ mouth. They were back to where they had been only a couple weeks ago and Sirius was no closer to kissing his mouth now than he had been then. He pushed Remus away and the boy stumbled backwards.
“Oh, god, I’m sorry!” Sirius blurted. His fingers curled into fists and he jumped off the desk where he was sitting and punched it instead. “Fuck! Goddamn - fuck. I just have to - I’ll see you later.”
As soon as Sirius had left the classroom, he broke off into a run and ran all the way down the corridors and up the changing staircases until he came to the third floor corridor, which was thankfully still abandoned. He backed up against one of the stone walls and slid down until he was sitting.
He didn’t know how he came to be this way. He wasn’t cursed or poisoned, therefore he had to assume that this was how he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be in love with another boy. Sirius shut his eyes tightly. If his family ever found out about this ... If he was so unlovable before, he was certainly unlovable now. No one in his family would ever accept him back if they knew that he wanted to kiss someone of the same sex.
This whole time Sirius had tried not to think too deeply about it. He tried to just go day by day and act normally, act as though nothing was changing. Only that game was done and over with and he was going to have to deal with himself sooner or later.
He didn’t want to think about it, but he didn’t want to lose Remus either. If they stopped now, they might never go back to being friends.
Sirius never imagined that being a teenager could get so fucking complicated.
XXXXXXX
That night, Sirius crept back into the dormitory around midnight. He tiptoed to Remus’ bed and parted the curtains.
“Remus?”
The other boy turned and looked up at him from the darkness of his blankets and bed hangings.
“I’m sorry.”
“You already said that.”
“I know. I just - I’m sorry. I’m fucked up. I can’t help it. I don’t want to make you wait.”
“Wait for what?”
“For me.”
Remus sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “I didn’t know I was waiting. You seem to assume that I’m not as confused about this as you are.”
“You’re not? Er, I mean, you are? Just as confused?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“And I was going to say that it might not be fair to you to have to wait for me.”
“Oh.”
“So don’t worry so much, Pads. Go to sleep.”
“Will you come read?”
Remus shook his head and laid back down in his bed. “No.”
“Will you at least sleep-”
“Not tonight. I think we’re making this too complicated for ourselves. We did too much over Christmas and now there’s all this confusion. You should sleep in your bed and I’ll sleep in mine, all right?”
Sirius nodded and dropped the bed curtains. The ironic thing was that during everything they did over the Christmas holiday, they hadn’t really done anything at all. Perhaps it was the not doing that made them so confused.
After he changed into pajamas and climbed into bed, Sirius found himself in a dreamful sleep. Where in real life he hesitated and was too anxious to do it, in his dreams all he did was kiss Remus, their bare skin touching and their breaths mingling.
XXXXXXX
Remus poured himself into studying for the NEWTs. It was beginning to annoy Sirius as they hardly ever shared a bed anymore except on the weekends. Remus stayed up even later than Sirius did during the week.
The other students liked to talk about how big Sirius’ ego was, how he thought he was clever, good-looking, and Merlin’s gift to women in general. And his ego was very sturdy and could withstand any insult or injury. But Sirius’ ego wasn’t prepared for the Remus’ obsession with NEWTs. He couldn’t help but wonder if this was Remus’ way of avoiding him - them - and what was happening whenever they were alone. Those insecurities melted away when Friday nights came and Remus parted the bed curtains and laid next to him. Then, they were back again when Sunday came and Remus claimed needing to do last-minute studying before Monday’s lessons.
“The exams aren’t for another two months,” Sirius whinged one day, having to resort to using the Marauder’s Map to find Remus in a corner of the library.
“So? I need to study.”
“You won’t die if you don’t get all O’s, y’know.”
Remus looked up from his books and narrowed his eyes at Sirius.
“Padfoot, shut the bloody hell up, will you?”
Surprised, because Remus never swore, Sirius grew angry. “What? Why? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing!” Remus reached out to touch him, but Sirius dodged his hand, not because he was angry, but because right now the feel of his fingers against his skin would be too overwhelming. As he moved away, Remus looked hurt and Sirius felt like a giant arse. Not knowing what to say, Sirius tried to turn it back on Remus and pretend he didn’t want to be touched because he was hacked off.
“Are you avoiding me?” asked Sirius. “I don’t force you to sleep in my bed, y’know.”
Remus accidentally snapped his quill in half. “Will you lower your voice? Sirius, you don’t get it, and it’s not your fault. I have to do perfectly on my examinations. It’ll be hard enough finding someone who will hire a werewolf. It’ll be next to impossible to find someone who will hire a werewolf who doesn’t have any NEWTs. Don’t you see?”
Sirius did see and he felt like an even bigger arse.
“I know you like it when you’re the center of attention, but take a Calming Draught or something because you’re beginning to stress me out.”
Sirius took the hint and stood up, shoving his hands in his trouser pockets.
As he started to walk away, he heard Remus say, “I would never avoid you.”
He wanted to smile, but he just didn’t feel like it. All this studying was taking away from his time with Remus. James still tried to spend time with the boys and with Lily, but his girlfriend was winning more and more lately and sometimes he and Sirius went days without having a proper conversation.
The strange thing about what was happening with Remus was that they still didn’t really do anything. They gave each other secret touches during meals, classes, and in the common room. They slept in the same bed at least once a week. Yet, they never kissed. Never fooled around. Certainly never got off. Sometimes Remus was gone by the time Sirius woke up, but if he remained there past sunrise, Sirius would awaken and feel both their morning erections pressed against one another. They never spoke of this, never mentioned how weird it was for that to happen between two boys who were supposed to be mates and nothing more.
As time wore on, Sirius became more and more preoccupied with progressing the physical with Remus. It almost became an obsession. He’d sit in class and think about grabbing him and kissing him, or about pinning him down one night in bed and sucking on his lower lip. He thought of the things he used to do with girls and applied them to Remus. He never did them however.
It wasn’t Remus’ fault though; Sirius was a mess. He was completely fucked up and he couldn’t imagine why Remus kept coming to his bed. More than once, they’d been sitting in the common room or in class, and Remus’ fingers would be playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, and Sirius would be so overcome with negative emotions that he’d push Remus away. He didn’t mean to - he didn’t want to push him away, but Sirius was conflicted. As much as he wanted Remus, he didn’t want to want him. He wanted his feelings to go back to being normal. This was not something accepted in the wizarding world and from what he understood, it was unacceptable in the Muggle world as well. Sirius was setting himself up for damnation and failure.
And he felt guilty for Remus as well. Here he was, a werewolf, already cursed to live in shame for his condition, never going to be able to have or keep a job, and Sirius wanted to add more prejudice in his life? It wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair, but Sirius wanted what he wanted, and as far as he could tell, Remus wanted it as well.
XXXXXXX
James never said anything to Sirius about his Remus obsession. Sometimes, Sirius would look up and notice that James was watching the two of them. He didn’t watch in a weird way, but in a protective way, as though he was concerned for both of them and wanted to make sure neither of them got hurt.
Things with Remus were still confusing, and Sirius just tried not to think about it at all. That plan sometimes lasted as long as breakfast, but by the time their first lesson came, Sirius would find himself thinking of nothing but Remus. He wondered if Remus was as consumed as he was.
In the common room, on one of the very last days of March, Remus was explaining to Lily about a very complicated spell they were learning in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Sirius had no idea what Remus was talking about, but he was watching the boy’s mouth move very intently. A couple of times, Remus’ tongue swept across his bottom lip, moistening it.
“Sirius? ... Sirius? Padfoot!”
Sirius jumped in surprise. Remus was looking at him and had obviously been calling his name several times. Sirius glanced around - James, Peter, and Lily were all looking at him, as well as a couple of sixth-years who had been listening to Remus’ discussion with Lily.
And they had all seen Sirius stare blindly at Remus’ mouth.
Without so much as a word or explanation, Sirius got up and walked to the boys’ dormitory stairs. Once he was sure he was out of sight, he quickly jogged up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He kicked his desk chair and it toppled over with a loud clanking noise.
“Sirius-”
The dormitory room door opened and Sirius was all prepared to tell Remus to just go away, but when he turned, it wasn’t Remus standing there, but Lily.
“Er, Evans. Hello.”
“Hello.” She placed her hands on her hips. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing. What’s wrong with you?”
“Sirius-”
“Evans.”
“Sirius.”
“Evans.”
“Stop it!” yelled Lily.
Sirius nearly fell over in surprise. He’d seen Lily’s temper, but he’d never seen Lily’s temper directed at him.
“You’re going to ruin your chance with Remus.”
“Oh, stuff it, Evans.”
“No, I will not stuff it, Black. And, jeez, call me Lily, will you? I noticed it over Christmas,” said Lily, her tone softening. “You two were in your own world half the time. It was really sweet, actually.”
“I’m not sweet. And neither is Remus. He’s a werewolf, y’know.”
“I’m perfectly aware of what Remus is.” Lily tossed her red hair over her shoulder and held her head up a little higher. “I’m a girl and I know these things. It’s very obvious you fancy Remus, but you keep doing weird things and pushing him away. Don’t you think you’re going to push him away for good?”
“Why is it all my fault? I didn’t ask you to evaluate my love life, Lily.”
“I wasn’t aware you had one.” Lily sighed. “I really like you, Sirius. I do. And not only because James likes you, but because deep down, I think you’re a really decent bloke. I think your family has done a number on that brain of yours, though, but you need to get over it or you’re going to push him away for good. I can say it a hundred more times, if you’d like, but it’ll still be true. You’ll push him away-”
“For good, yeah, yeah. You’ve no fucking idea what’s going on. You’re just Miss Accepting of Everything, aren’t you? Of the lycanthropy, of this, but what Remus and I - the thing, our thing, whatever you want to call it - he and I could be ostracized for this. I mean, even more so than just for the lycanthropy.”
“How do you figure?” asked Lily.
“Well, loads of people think that werewolves aren’t evil or Dark by choice, yeah? Remus has a better chance of finding those people than finding the people who don’t mind that he has dirty thoughts about another boy.”
“Why do you care what other people think?” asked Lily.
“I don’t care! I don’t care for me,” insisted Sirius. “But I care for him.”
“It doesn’t sound that way.”
“It doesn’t?”
Lily shook her head. “No. And don’t you think that if Remus doesn’t care that you shouldn’t care either? Now stop being an idiot and just talk to Remus about it. I cannot believe you two have been together this long without discussing it.”
“We’re not together,” grumbled Sirius.
“No? Well, you certainly act like it.”
“D’you have anything new to say? ‘Cause I wouldn’t mind not having this conversation anymore.”
Lily sighed. “Oh, Sirius. Why’re you so angry?”
“M’not angry,” roared Sirius.
“You should just accept who you are-”
“And who do you think I am?”
Lily flinched. “I think you’re-”
“Don’t say it,” said Sirius, his voice lowering and having a dangerous tone. “Don’t.”
“You don’t like hearing it?”
Sirius swallowed. “I don’t like thinking about it.”
“Well, perhaps you would feel better if you accepted that things are the way they are.”
“Accepted-?”
“You can’t change who you are. If you just accepted things, then I’d wager you’d be happier for it.”
Sirius shook his head. “I think it’s far more complicated than that.”
“Only because you’re making it that way. Now, I’m going down to the common room and you’re going to talk to Remus.”
“Not today!” cried Sirius, knowing he didn’t have the balls to start a conversation like the one he was having with Lily. At least, not yet.
“Fine, but soon, all right?” Lily went to the door and turned the knob. “And I meant what I said, about liking you. I do, but I like Remus, too, and I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
And then she left Sirius alone in the dormitory.
XXXXXXX
The still-frosty mornings of March melted into April and the new month brought along new realizations. School was going to be over. For good. With school being done with, Sirius knew he had to find a place to live. James told him he could continue to stay at his house, but Mr Potter had been sick ever since Valentine’s and Sirius got the feeling that he wasn’t going to get any better. Besides, Lily was going to use her Potions skills to good use and work for the research department at the Ministry, which meant that she would be letting a flat in London. Sirius figured James would be over there most of the time, which would leave him at the Potters’ by himself. There was nothing worse for Sirius than being alone and ignored.
Sirius began collecting ads and brochures for houses and flats. With a tap of his wand on the ad, a visual would pop up so that he could see exactly what the rooms looked like. He usually went looked through his small collection of ads in the common room because the lower years were in such awe that someone in their house was trying to let their own place.
In the middle of April, Sirius had made two piles - one for houses, one for flats. The ones he was no long considering, he threw into the fire.
“You’re going to burn yourself,” admonished Lily, charming a Muggle paperclip to dance around on James’ lap.
“Mmm,” said Sirius, not really paying attention.
The four Marauders and Lily were seated near the fireplace, the best seats in the common room. Sirius was on the floor, going through his piles of ads for the seventh or eighth time. Remus moved from the sofa to sit near him.
“Let me see them,” he said, reaching for a house.
“Not too busy with NEWTs?” snapped Sirius.
Remus blinked and looked a bit hurt. Sirius felt guilty. He didn’t mean to always lash out and snap at everyone, but it wasn’t something he could always control.
“This one’s too big,” said Remus. “You don’t really need three bedrooms, do you? What would you do with the extra space?”
“I guess,” said Sirius, taking the ad from Remus. He tossed it over his shoulder and it landed in the fireplace, shooting flames up four feet high. A couple of first years yelped in surprise and Sirius smirked.
“This is a one-bedroom, but the rooms all look really big,” said Remus, handing the ad over to Sirius. “You hate household spells, so it’d be less to clean.”
“Where will you live after we leave school, Remus?” Lily asked.
Sirius could have spit at her. Remus always got red about the ears whenever someone asked him what his future plans were. He could not afford to live on his own and he could not get a job. Both of those things were because of his lycanthropy and Lily should know better than to ask questions like that.
“With my parents, I suppose,” he answered, swallowing hard.
“Don’t look so ashamed. You like your parents, don’t you?”
“Oh, sure. They’re fine. They don’t bother me, at any rate. It’s not really the same as being on your own, though, is it?”
Lily shook her head. “No, I suppose not. I’ll go home for a few weeks while I set up my flat, then I’ll be free. I think it’ll be nice.”
“Right ...”
Lily looked at her wristwatch. “Oh, James, we have patrols.”
“Can we do them together?”
“You’re perfectly capable of patrolling the dungeons and ground floor on your own, aren’t you?” asked Lily, standing up.
James grumbled, but he stood up as well and left the common room with her, adjusting his Head Boy badge as he did so. Without James around to protect him from Sirius’ moods, Peter jumped at the chance to play Exploding Snap with the sixth-years.
“You know ...” said Sirius slowly. “You could always live with me.”
“Pardon?”
“I’d make rent really cheap.”
Remus looked him straight in the eye. “You’ve a one-bedroom in your hand.”
“So?”
“So would we share the same bedroom, too, then?”
Sirius didn’t answer and looked away. He felt a hand reach down and place itself low on his knee. Sirius flinched and moved his leg away from Remus’ touch.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. Er, I gotta - I’ll be back - have to, er, get something ...” Sirius pushed his piles of ads together and stacked them into his hand and stood up. He ran up the stairs, breathing heavily, and mentally hexing himself for being such a fucking idiot.
Throwing the ads across the room, he flopped down on his back on his bed and rubbed at his eyes, gritting his teeth and biting back a scream. God, he was so fucked up.
“Sirius?”
He ignored Remus as the boy closed the dormitory door. He heard a familiar squelching sound that let him know Remus had Imperturbed the door. The bed squeaked and sagged as another body joined him on the mattress.
“Sirius?”
He felt Remus’ hands take hold of his wrists and move his palms away from his face. He knew he would have to look at Remus; he couldn’t simply avoid him, especially since he was sitting right next to him.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not-”
“Don’t lie to me,” Remus repeated, a dangerous tone to his voice. “You always let me touch you, except lately ...”
“I know. I don’t know. I’ve no idea.”
“No idea at all?”
Sirius pushed himself up off the bed and stood. “It’s not right.”
“What’s not?”
“This,” said Sirius, motioning between them. “This thing we’re doing.”
“I wasn’t aware we were doing anything. In fact, I think we spend a lot of time doing not much of anything.”
“Yeah.”
“Exactly. So what’s the problem?”
Sirius shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t have to sleep in your bed sometimes. I thought you wanted me there or I wouldn’t have-”
“I want you there.”
“-come, only with you asking me to read to you and all that - wait, you do? Still?”
Sirius nodded.
“So, then what’s the problem? You’ve touched me loads of times around other people, but if you’d rather I didn’t, then I won’t.”
“Fuck, no, it’s not - I just. Fuck, Remus, what the fuck is going on?”
“I’m sorry?”
“With us.”
“Oh, I didn’t-”
“This is not normal,” said Sirius. “I don’t know what I want. I can’t stand not to have you keep - y’know - sleeping in my bed and ... and everything ... but it’s not - what if people find out?”
“Do you care if people find out? We haven’t done anything. I think you want to stop.”
Sirius shook his head. “No, I don’t. This is bloody ridiculous.”
“What is? You’re not making any sense.”
“Did you know that I haven’t fooled around with a girl since bloody sixth year?”
Remus looked taken aback. “... Really?”
“Yeah. Isn’t that unbelievable? I’ve never - I’m always - you know - with a girl.”
“Quite the Casanova.”
“Right. Right! Exactly. It’s just ... Christ, Remus, you’ve really fucked with my head.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s just - I’m not gay.”
“Well, that’s good news.”
Sirius’ mouth gaped open in surprise. Remus was never sarcastic. “Well, it’s just - aren’t you?”
“I don’t think so. Maybe. Does it matter?”
“Well ...” Sirius paused. “I don’t know. Does it?”
“Now, this might be a nasty rumor floating about, but I’ve heard you can fancy both.”
“Both.”
“Girls and boys.”
“Both, oh, right of course.” Sirius knew he sounded delirious, but this concept of both was brilliant. He had no idea why he hadn’t entertained that thought more. He had been so concerned with not trying to figure out whether he was gay, that he hadn’t really thought that maybe he actually wasn’t. Perhaps he should have spent less time avoiding this conversation with Remus and actually had it.
“I’m really rather shocked,” said Remus. “You’re so conceited usually. You never have to worry about friends or getting girls to fancy you. You haven’t even opened a book for the NEWTs, but you’ll probably pass everything anyway. You have a way of making everyone think you’re brilliant and everyone pretty much does. Yet, you’re afraid of ... this?”
Sirius shrugged.
“Why? I know I said before that I was confused as well, but that was months ago. I thought we would both have figured things out before now. Only you haven’t. Really, though, Sirius, why are you so scared?”
Sirius shrugged again. His hands fell limply by his sides as he looked at Remus, sitting on the bed, looking very curious.
“I imagine it partly has to do with me being a boy. But also because it actually means something this time?” ventured Remus. “Or because you want it to mean something?”
“How d’you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Know what I’m thinking?”
Remus sniggered. “Living with you for seven years, I suspect.”
“I don’t think - or rather, I know that I haven’t had the most meaningful relationships, but it never mattered. Now it feels like it should matter and you’re not the person it was supposed to matter with. God, am I making sense? I mean, only now it does matter and you’re a boy.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“You’re right, though. About the other things. Everyone does think I’m rather brilliant, don’t they?”
Remus shook his head with a small smile on his face.
“And I am good-looking. Better looking than James, I should think.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Moving on,” he said. “So, do you actually want me to move in with you?”
“Maybe ...”
“Maybe.”
Sirius shrugged. “I’d wager I’d get rather lonely.”
“You probably need someone around to give you attention.”
“Mmm.”
“Do you want this?” asked Remus.
Sirius looked around the room, everywhere but at Remus. “What’s ‘this?’”
“Whatever we make it, I suppose. Sirius, are you worried that your family will find out? They’ve already disowned you once, they can’t do it twice.”
“Is it stupid that as much as I hate them, I don’t want them to hate me?”
“No,” answered Remus. He said it so firmly that Sirius couldn’t help but look at him. “Remember what I said a while back? About how none of your friends would ever tell you we don’t love you? So stop worrying about your family and other people.”
“What about you? You’re a werewolf. This’ll just - I mean, this’ll make it even harder for you to get a job or ... y’know ... people will just hate you more for it.”
“Not if they don’t find out. Believe me, Sirius, I had the same thoughts as you did at first. I really did. I kept thinking that here you are, with all that money your uncle left you. You are popular and if you wanted a job, you could do anything you liked. I would only bring you down. I almost stopped reading to you because I’d convinced myself I was all wrong for you and that what we were doing was nonsense. People might not hire you if they knew you were friends with a werewolf, letting alone living with one.”
“But you changed your mind?”
Remus nodded.
“Why? How?”
“Because the other option was not being with you and that would be harder to live with.”
Sirius swallowed. All those girls in the past. The snogging, the touching, the occasional shagging. None of them had loved him and he certainly hadn’t loved them. But here love was, staring him in the face with bright brown eyes and sandy brown hair and a jagged scar across the nose, and Sirius couldn’t understand how or why love would want him. How could anyone want someone whose own mother didn’t love him? It was preposterous.
Remus stood up and walked closer to Sirius, standing right in front of him. His hands shook as he reached out and placed them on Sirius’ hips, pulling him forward. Sirius watched as Remus’ tilted his head up just slightly, as he was a couple inches shorter, and moved his mouth towards’ Sirius’.
Sirius pushed Remus back. “What’re you doing?”
“Shutting you up.”
“What? That’s how you’re shutting me up?”
“Do you want it or not? You can’t go only halfway. It’s all or nothing. Do you understand?”
Sirius nodded.
“So? Do you want it or not?”
Sirius nodded again. “Yeah. I want-”
He didn’t finish his sentence. Remus put his mouth against his, moving his lips, opening Sirius’ mouth with his tongue.
Oh, god, with his tongue. Sirius had forgotten how to breathe. His heart had stopped beating. He was going to pass out. He was such a blasted idiot; he’d fantasized about kissing Remus for months and now it was happening. Remus was kissing him and he was standing there like a fool, not even moving. Right. He needed to move and he needed to move now.
Sirius fisted Remus’ shirt, keeping hold on him, as though Remus might suddenly vanish. Minutes later, Remus pulled back, resting his forehead against Sirius’, breathing in deeply.
“Thank god,” muttered Sirius. “I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do if that didn’t happen soon.”
“You almost didn’t let it.”
“Right, I know. I’m an idiot.”
“No,” said Remus. “Just ... confused.”
“Word of the fucking year, that.”
Remus sniggered. “Yeah.”
Sirius could feel Remus’ breath against his face.
“You’re sure you want it?” asked Remus.
Sirius nodded. “Oh, yeah, I’m sure. Christ, Moony, I’m so fucked up - how did you stand it?”
“Because half the time I was figuring things out for myself, figuring out who I was. That’s why it seemed as though I didn’t mind waiting for you to start accepting what was happening between us. I told you I was confused, didn’t I?”
Sirius nodded. “And so now you want this? Are you sure?”
“I told you - I can’t not have this,” said Remus, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“I think - I don’t - I can’t not have you, either. I think. God, we fucking talk too much, like a pair of girls.”
“Then what-”
“I’m going to shut you up now,” said Sirius, interrupting Remus.
“How’re you-”
Sirius pushed his mouth against Remus’, fitting their lips together, and then touching his tongue with his own. His body stirred, filling with renewed energy as though his veins were pumping electrical currants instead of blood. He pushed against Remus, walking them backwards until the back of Remus’ knees hit his bed and he sat.
Their mouths broke for a moment as Remus maneuvered to the center of the bed, Sirius moving over him. Their eyes locked for a brief moment and Sirius felt Remus’ hand move under his shirt and rest on his back. It’s all right, it said.
Sirius kissed him again; I know. He was already growing hard, from all the months of being next to Remus without touching him. As he lowered his body onto Remus’, he felt that the he, too, was having the same reaction.
“Are you going to read to me tonight?” asked Sirius.
Remus laughed and nodded. “Sure. If there’s time when we’re done.”
Sirius smirked. And as he kissed him again, the kiss said, I accept this.
XXXXXXX
“There’s only one chapter left,” said Sirius, frowning as he flipped through the last batch of pages in the book.
“And it only took us six months to finish it,” said Remus dryly. He unrolled a pair of socks and put them on his feet.
James and Peter were out, doing Marauderish things on the last night they would be at Hogwarts. Sirius had opted out, pressing a hand on the small of Remus’ back, and Remus had declined as well. James looked skeptical, but Peter just accepted it like he accepted everything without any explanation, and left with James.
Things hadn’t really changed with Remus, which was something Sirius had been nervous about since that first kiss. Remus continued to study for the NEWTs like a madman and only read to him on the weekends, when essays and homework weren’t looming over his head. He wasn’t clingy and he wasn’t jealous. He laughed when a sixth-year girl asked Sirius to go to Hosgmeade and then laughed even harder when Sirius had no idea how to decline.
“She cornered me!” Sirius snapped. “They’ve never done that before.”
“Done what?” Remus had asked.
“Asked me.”
“How’d it go about before?”
“I’d go up to them. Say, ‘you, me, Hogsmeade, snogging.’ They’d laugh and say okay, and then we’d go to Hogsmeade and snog. It was all very simple.”
“I cannot believe anyone agreed to go out with you after saying that.”
“It’s my charm.” Sirius grinned broadly.
“Well, you agreed to go with her, so now you’ll have to go.”
“You don’t care? You’re supposed to get jealous and flounce off and leave me all confused over what I’ve done. At least, that’s how I hear it’s supposed to go.”
“I’m not a girl, you shit,” said Remus.
“Ah! Remus said shit! God, I’m a bad influence.”
“I won’t care if you go. I really rather find it amusing. I won’t even follow you around.”
“What d’I do if she wants to snog me?”
Remus laughed loudly, tears springing at his eyes. “I cannot believe you’ve never had this problem in the past.”
“I’ve never been involved in the past. I don’t know the rules.”
“Are there rules, Padfoot? You can figure it out for yourself. Let her down easily. Tell her that you like her company and think she’s very pretty and very clever, but you’re going to leave school and it wouldn’t be fair to her to get involved with you, not when she’ll be at school next year and you’ll have your own house.”
Remus was so clever. Sirius smirked to himself at the memory of him saying those exact words to the sixth-year. It was all very foreign to him, turning down a girl for a snog and a second date, but he didn’t mind. He wondered what kind of gossip was said during his year of no girlfriends. Someone must have talked. Sirius didn’t really care; these were Hogwarts students and school was going to be left behind them. It didn’t matter what anyone said, because they were never going to see any of them again.
“Are you going to read it or not?” asked Remus as he lay down on Sirius’ bed.
“How come we never do this in your bed?”
“Yours is warmer.”
“Mmmm,” hummed Sirius.
“The first thing you have to buy when you move into your house is a bigger bed. I’ll be glad to be rid of the single mattresses. You need one that can actually fit us.”
“That’ll be nice,” said Sirius. “I suppose that means you’ll actually move in, then?”
“I’m still considering it, but it’s nice to know that you want me there. You know my parents, though. They’ll want to see the house and where I’m living. You can explain to them why there’s only one bedroom.”
“There’s an extra room ... we could set it up. Like a rooze.”
Remus shook his head. “No. I don’t want to lie to my parents. We’ll see what happens. I’m still seventeen and you’re only eighteen. Moving in together is rather a large responsibility and I don’t know if either of us is mature enough to handle it.”
“But you’ll come over?”
“Oh, I’ll come over a lot, but if we get tired of one another, I’ll go home.” Remus flicked his fingers against the cover of the book.
“D’you want me to read?”
“Yeah.”
“Stop talking, then.”
Remus closed his mouth and curled himself next Sirius who was sitting up and using the headboard as a backrest. Sirius read, his voice faltering when Remus began to run his hands across his stomach underneath his t-shirt. There was nothing like the feel of Remus’ hands on his skin. He kept reading, trying to ignore the other boy, but it was almost impossible when Remus’ fingers undid the drawstring of his pajama bottoms and slipped under the elastic, gripping his half-hard erection.
There was only one page left of the book before the end and Sirius raced to finish it.
“The end and they lived happily ever after, et cetera.”
Remus’ hand stopped moving. He sat up and looked at Sirius.
“That’s not how it ends.”
“How d’you know?”
“Because I’ve read that book before.”
“Oh, right. Well, perhaps they do live happily ever after.”
“Maybe they don’t.”
“Maybe it’s sort-of happily ever after, then.”
“It’s not.”
“Oh, don’t be a killjoy, Moony. And put your hand back.”
Sirius didn’t wait for Remus to make the move; he curled his hand around the back of Remus’ neck and pulled him forward, meeting his mouth halfway and kissing him. Remus pushed against Sirius until he was on his back, the werewolf on top of him, their bodies pressed together. Remus’ mouth was against his neck, Sirius’ hand snaking its way into Remus’ pajamas.
“Wait,” said Sirius, pushing against Remus until the boy looked at his face, “that sort-of happily ever after bollocks - it’s not complete shit, is it?”
Remus shook his head. “Not complete shit, no,” he answered, and went back to kissing Sirius.
Well, that answered that, then. Perhaps things weren’t perfect - they were two boys after all, barely even men, but they were going to feel their way through life, through growing up, together. And even if happily ever after didn’t last forever, if it even lasted for a day, that would be good enough for Sirius. For now.
XXXXXXX
End.
XXXXXXX
As always, links to all my fics (divided up by pairings) can be found here: Click Me
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for language)
Type: Multi-chap, completed, angst, romance
Summary:When Sirius’ miserable moods suggest that everything is going wrong,something starts to go right. A “how they got together” story.
Author’s Notes:Written because sometimes it's Remus who wants to always climb intoSirius' bed.
Links to previous parts:
Part I
Part II
Part III
XXXXXXX
Part IV
XXXXXXX
“You seem to be in a better mood,” said James, sliding into the seat next to Sirius in History of Magic during one of the first days of class of the new year. He took out some parchment and a self-inking quill and readied them for a nice game of hangman.
“Do I? Why aren’t you sitting with Evans?” Sirius watched James make the dashes for the puzzle. “A.”
James wrote down one A. “She’s sitting with Remus. Look.”
Sirius looked at the desks behind him, where James usually sat with Lily. Remus was sitting in James’ place, discussing something with Lily. It looked important, but Sirius couldn’t imagine what it could possibly be. He wasn’t really aware that Lily and Remus were even friends outside of studying with one another for Charms or Defense. Since Gryffindor shared History of Magic with the Ravenclaws, Peter had taken it upon himself to sit with Carmine Brocklehurst, a seventh-year in that house. Carmine took about as good of notes as Remus and seemed oblivious whenever Peter stared at his parchment, copying everything he wrote.
James elbowed Sirius. “Go. Gimme another letter.”
“Er, all right. B.”
“If you go in order you’re gonna get hangman,” said James, adding a circle for the head on the hangman.
“Fine. L.”
“Oh, good one. There’s an L.”
“What’re they talking about?” asked Sirius, gesturing back to Remus and Lily.
“Worried your boyfriend is gossiping behind your back?” smirked James. “That’s what girlfriends do, y’know.”
“First of all,” said Sirius, lowering his voice, “he’s not my boyfriend. Second of all, he’s not a girl.”
“I reckoned he’d be the girl in the relationship,” said James.
“D. And no. Neither of us would be the girls. Shut up, Prongs.”
James scribbled a D on the parchment. “Someone has to be the girl, yeah? One has to be the top, the other the bottom.”
“Would you shut up? We’re not together.”
“You should be.”
Sirius stared at James as Binns drifted into the classroom through the front wall and began to lecture the class on what seemed like the thirty-seven thousandth Goblin Revolt.
“Don’t say shit like that to me,” snapped Sirius. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I saw how you were over Christmas. So’d Lily. I’m not completely thick. Pick another letter.”
“The first word is my name. You’re so predictable.”
“Pick a letter.”
“Christ, fine. P. We were nothing over Christmas.”
James shook his head. “You were all over each other. I think even Peter noticed.”
“Well, goddamn if Peter noticed I’m surprised Professor Binns hasn’t.”
“You’re no fun when you get snarky. You can’t deny that you fancy him now, though. It’s rather clear.”
Sirius felt his body grow hot with annoyance and anger. “F. O. T.”
“You can’t choose three letters in a row.”
“Watch me.”
James sighed and added in the letters.
“What the fuck is that?” asked Sirius, looking at the puzzle. “Padfoot ... lo ... oo ... That’s what it says.”
“That’s what it says ‘cause you haven’t guessed the other letters!”
Sirius sighed and glanced at the puzzle again. “James, if you’re my best mate you’ll respect my wishes, right?”
“Uh, sure,” said James with a smirk. “What’re your wishes?”
“Don’t smile at me like that. I don’t want to talk about Remus. Drop it. I swear to Merlin, if you don’t drop it I’m going to fucking go mad. M.”
James wrote down an M.
“E.”
James wrote an E.
Sirius looked at the puzzle and suddenly, it made sense. “I’m going to fucking kill you.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” James handed the puzzle to Sirius. “What’s it say?”
Sirius shook his head, refusing to answer.
“What’s it say?”
Binns floated over and hovered about a foot above the ground in front of James and Sirius.
“Mr. Potts, Mr. Brown, do we have a problem here?”
Sirius shook his head. “No.”
“Very well, then,” said Binns, and floated back up to the front of the classroom. He droned on about the Goblin Revolts as though he’d never paused his lecture.
Sirius sat in silence for the rest of the class period. He crossed his arms over his chest and slouched in his chair. James had really hacked him off this time.
At the end of the period, Sirius collected his school things and shoved the hangman game to James, not wanting to even look at it.
“Are you all right?” Remus asked, coming up behind them.
“Sirius is in a mood,” replied James, standing up and throwing his satchel over his shoulder and putting an arm around Lily who had just walked up as well. “I think he blames me for it.”
“I do blame you for it,” grumbled Sirius.
Remus looked down at the desks. “Playing games again? You know, one day you might want to take ...”
When his voice trailed off, Sirius inwardly groaned. He knew that Remus was a clever bloke and must have figured out James’ little puzzle.
_P_ _A_ _D_ _F_ _O_ _O_ _T_
_L_ _O_ ____ _E_ ___
_M_ _O_ _O_ ___ ___ !
“Hmmm,” hummed Remus, going rather pink about the ears and neck.
Sirius was furious.
“It’s just a joke,” defended James.
“It’s not a very funny one,” Sirius barked.
“Hey, guys,” said Peter, walking up. “What’s that?”
“Nothing!” snarled Sirius, snatching the hangman and crumpling it up into a tight paper ball.
“Sirius ...” said Remus, placing a hand on his shoulder. Sirius shrugged him off.
“Don’t,” he said.
“James’ puzzle was stupid,” said Remus, “so don’t take it so seriously.”
Lily whispered something in James’ ear and they both began to back away and move towards the door. The rest of the class was already gone and Binns had disappeared through the wall again.
“We’re going to gets seats in the Great Hall,” said Lily, tugging on James’ sleeve. “We’ll save you two some food if you’re late. Come on, Peter.”
As soon as they were out of sight, Remus immediately said, “Did I make you uncomfortable over Christmas holiday? I thought what we did was shared, but if I did something you didn’t like, then I’m very sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything,” said Sirius, sighing and jumping up to sit on top of his desk. “This feels so weird and I suppose that, y’know, it’s even weirder that people know.”
“Only James and Lily suspect.”
Sirius shrugged. “They’re people.”
Remus took a step closer to Sirius. “If I’m making you uncomfortable, I can stop.”
“You’re not,” said Sirius. “You’re not. I’m doing it to myself.”
“We don’t have to-”
“No,” said Sirius. He reached out and took hold of the front of Remus’ open robes and pulled him to him. He clung to him, breathing into his neck. “I’m sorry.”
Sirius lifted his head and looked at Remus. The boy wasn’t particularly tall or good-looking. He had that uneven scar that ran across the bridge of his nose and his sandy-brown hair fell all the way down to his eyes, almost hiding them. He was all straight lines no matter which angle you looked at him. There weren’t any curves. His mouth was thin, his hands big, and his neck contained an Adam’s apple. He was a boy who was turning into a man and no matter how hard Sirius tried, he couldn’t keep from wanting him. It was something he was trying to accept, but so far couldn’t.
His eyes strayed down to Remus’ mouth. They were back to where they had been only a couple weeks ago and Sirius was no closer to kissing his mouth now than he had been then. He pushed Remus away and the boy stumbled backwards.
“Oh, god, I’m sorry!” Sirius blurted. His fingers curled into fists and he jumped off the desk where he was sitting and punched it instead. “Fuck! Goddamn - fuck. I just have to - I’ll see you later.”
As soon as Sirius had left the classroom, he broke off into a run and ran all the way down the corridors and up the changing staircases until he came to the third floor corridor, which was thankfully still abandoned. He backed up against one of the stone walls and slid down until he was sitting.
He didn’t know how he came to be this way. He wasn’t cursed or poisoned, therefore he had to assume that this was how he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be in love with another boy. Sirius shut his eyes tightly. If his family ever found out about this ... If he was so unlovable before, he was certainly unlovable now. No one in his family would ever accept him back if they knew that he wanted to kiss someone of the same sex.
This whole time Sirius had tried not to think too deeply about it. He tried to just go day by day and act normally, act as though nothing was changing. Only that game was done and over with and he was going to have to deal with himself sooner or later.
He didn’t want to think about it, but he didn’t want to lose Remus either. If they stopped now, they might never go back to being friends.
Sirius never imagined that being a teenager could get so fucking complicated.
XXXXXXX
That night, Sirius crept back into the dormitory around midnight. He tiptoed to Remus’ bed and parted the curtains.
“Remus?”
The other boy turned and looked up at him from the darkness of his blankets and bed hangings.
“I’m sorry.”
“You already said that.”
“I know. I just - I’m sorry. I’m fucked up. I can’t help it. I don’t want to make you wait.”
“Wait for what?”
“For me.”
Remus sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “I didn’t know I was waiting. You seem to assume that I’m not as confused about this as you are.”
“You’re not? Er, I mean, you are? Just as confused?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“And I was going to say that it might not be fair to you to have to wait for me.”
“Oh.”
“So don’t worry so much, Pads. Go to sleep.”
“Will you come read?”
Remus shook his head and laid back down in his bed. “No.”
“Will you at least sleep-”
“Not tonight. I think we’re making this too complicated for ourselves. We did too much over Christmas and now there’s all this confusion. You should sleep in your bed and I’ll sleep in mine, all right?”
Sirius nodded and dropped the bed curtains. The ironic thing was that during everything they did over the Christmas holiday, they hadn’t really done anything at all. Perhaps it was the not doing that made them so confused.
After he changed into pajamas and climbed into bed, Sirius found himself in a dreamful sleep. Where in real life he hesitated and was too anxious to do it, in his dreams all he did was kiss Remus, their bare skin touching and their breaths mingling.
XXXXXXX
Remus poured himself into studying for the NEWTs. It was beginning to annoy Sirius as they hardly ever shared a bed anymore except on the weekends. Remus stayed up even later than Sirius did during the week.
The other students liked to talk about how big Sirius’ ego was, how he thought he was clever, good-looking, and Merlin’s gift to women in general. And his ego was very sturdy and could withstand any insult or injury. But Sirius’ ego wasn’t prepared for the Remus’ obsession with NEWTs. He couldn’t help but wonder if this was Remus’ way of avoiding him - them - and what was happening whenever they were alone. Those insecurities melted away when Friday nights came and Remus parted the bed curtains and laid next to him. Then, they were back again when Sunday came and Remus claimed needing to do last-minute studying before Monday’s lessons.
“The exams aren’t for another two months,” Sirius whinged one day, having to resort to using the Marauder’s Map to find Remus in a corner of the library.
“So? I need to study.”
“You won’t die if you don’t get all O’s, y’know.”
Remus looked up from his books and narrowed his eyes at Sirius.
“Padfoot, shut the bloody hell up, will you?”
Surprised, because Remus never swore, Sirius grew angry. “What? Why? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing!” Remus reached out to touch him, but Sirius dodged his hand, not because he was angry, but because right now the feel of his fingers against his skin would be too overwhelming. As he moved away, Remus looked hurt and Sirius felt like a giant arse. Not knowing what to say, Sirius tried to turn it back on Remus and pretend he didn’t want to be touched because he was hacked off.
“Are you avoiding me?” asked Sirius. “I don’t force you to sleep in my bed, y’know.”
Remus accidentally snapped his quill in half. “Will you lower your voice? Sirius, you don’t get it, and it’s not your fault. I have to do perfectly on my examinations. It’ll be hard enough finding someone who will hire a werewolf. It’ll be next to impossible to find someone who will hire a werewolf who doesn’t have any NEWTs. Don’t you see?”
Sirius did see and he felt like an even bigger arse.
“I know you like it when you’re the center of attention, but take a Calming Draught or something because you’re beginning to stress me out.”
Sirius took the hint and stood up, shoving his hands in his trouser pockets.
As he started to walk away, he heard Remus say, “I would never avoid you.”
He wanted to smile, but he just didn’t feel like it. All this studying was taking away from his time with Remus. James still tried to spend time with the boys and with Lily, but his girlfriend was winning more and more lately and sometimes he and Sirius went days without having a proper conversation.
The strange thing about what was happening with Remus was that they still didn’t really do anything. They gave each other secret touches during meals, classes, and in the common room. They slept in the same bed at least once a week. Yet, they never kissed. Never fooled around. Certainly never got off. Sometimes Remus was gone by the time Sirius woke up, but if he remained there past sunrise, Sirius would awaken and feel both their morning erections pressed against one another. They never spoke of this, never mentioned how weird it was for that to happen between two boys who were supposed to be mates and nothing more.
As time wore on, Sirius became more and more preoccupied with progressing the physical with Remus. It almost became an obsession. He’d sit in class and think about grabbing him and kissing him, or about pinning him down one night in bed and sucking on his lower lip. He thought of the things he used to do with girls and applied them to Remus. He never did them however.
It wasn’t Remus’ fault though; Sirius was a mess. He was completely fucked up and he couldn’t imagine why Remus kept coming to his bed. More than once, they’d been sitting in the common room or in class, and Remus’ fingers would be playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, and Sirius would be so overcome with negative emotions that he’d push Remus away. He didn’t mean to - he didn’t want to push him away, but Sirius was conflicted. As much as he wanted Remus, he didn’t want to want him. He wanted his feelings to go back to being normal. This was not something accepted in the wizarding world and from what he understood, it was unacceptable in the Muggle world as well. Sirius was setting himself up for damnation and failure.
And he felt guilty for Remus as well. Here he was, a werewolf, already cursed to live in shame for his condition, never going to be able to have or keep a job, and Sirius wanted to add more prejudice in his life? It wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair, but Sirius wanted what he wanted, and as far as he could tell, Remus wanted it as well.
XXXXXXX
James never said anything to Sirius about his Remus obsession. Sometimes, Sirius would look up and notice that James was watching the two of them. He didn’t watch in a weird way, but in a protective way, as though he was concerned for both of them and wanted to make sure neither of them got hurt.
Things with Remus were still confusing, and Sirius just tried not to think about it at all. That plan sometimes lasted as long as breakfast, but by the time their first lesson came, Sirius would find himself thinking of nothing but Remus. He wondered if Remus was as consumed as he was.
In the common room, on one of the very last days of March, Remus was explaining to Lily about a very complicated spell they were learning in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Sirius had no idea what Remus was talking about, but he was watching the boy’s mouth move very intently. A couple of times, Remus’ tongue swept across his bottom lip, moistening it.
“Sirius? ... Sirius? Padfoot!”
Sirius jumped in surprise. Remus was looking at him and had obviously been calling his name several times. Sirius glanced around - James, Peter, and Lily were all looking at him, as well as a couple of sixth-years who had been listening to Remus’ discussion with Lily.
And they had all seen Sirius stare blindly at Remus’ mouth.
Without so much as a word or explanation, Sirius got up and walked to the boys’ dormitory stairs. Once he was sure he was out of sight, he quickly jogged up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He kicked his desk chair and it toppled over with a loud clanking noise.
“Sirius-”
The dormitory room door opened and Sirius was all prepared to tell Remus to just go away, but when he turned, it wasn’t Remus standing there, but Lily.
“Er, Evans. Hello.”
“Hello.” She placed her hands on her hips. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing. What’s wrong with you?”
“Sirius-”
“Evans.”
“Sirius.”
“Evans.”
“Stop it!” yelled Lily.
Sirius nearly fell over in surprise. He’d seen Lily’s temper, but he’d never seen Lily’s temper directed at him.
“You’re going to ruin your chance with Remus.”
“Oh, stuff it, Evans.”
“No, I will not stuff it, Black. And, jeez, call me Lily, will you? I noticed it over Christmas,” said Lily, her tone softening. “You two were in your own world half the time. It was really sweet, actually.”
“I’m not sweet. And neither is Remus. He’s a werewolf, y’know.”
“I’m perfectly aware of what Remus is.” Lily tossed her red hair over her shoulder and held her head up a little higher. “I’m a girl and I know these things. It’s very obvious you fancy Remus, but you keep doing weird things and pushing him away. Don’t you think you’re going to push him away for good?”
“Why is it all my fault? I didn’t ask you to evaluate my love life, Lily.”
“I wasn’t aware you had one.” Lily sighed. “I really like you, Sirius. I do. And not only because James likes you, but because deep down, I think you’re a really decent bloke. I think your family has done a number on that brain of yours, though, but you need to get over it or you’re going to push him away for good. I can say it a hundred more times, if you’d like, but it’ll still be true. You’ll push him away-”
“For good, yeah, yeah. You’ve no fucking idea what’s going on. You’re just Miss Accepting of Everything, aren’t you? Of the lycanthropy, of this, but what Remus and I - the thing, our thing, whatever you want to call it - he and I could be ostracized for this. I mean, even more so than just for the lycanthropy.”
“How do you figure?” asked Lily.
“Well, loads of people think that werewolves aren’t evil or Dark by choice, yeah? Remus has a better chance of finding those people than finding the people who don’t mind that he has dirty thoughts about another boy.”
“Why do you care what other people think?” asked Lily.
“I don’t care! I don’t care for me,” insisted Sirius. “But I care for him.”
“It doesn’t sound that way.”
“It doesn’t?”
Lily shook her head. “No. And don’t you think that if Remus doesn’t care that you shouldn’t care either? Now stop being an idiot and just talk to Remus about it. I cannot believe you two have been together this long without discussing it.”
“We’re not together,” grumbled Sirius.
“No? Well, you certainly act like it.”
“D’you have anything new to say? ‘Cause I wouldn’t mind not having this conversation anymore.”
Lily sighed. “Oh, Sirius. Why’re you so angry?”
“M’not angry,” roared Sirius.
“You should just accept who you are-”
“And who do you think I am?”
Lily flinched. “I think you’re-”
“Don’t say it,” said Sirius, his voice lowering and having a dangerous tone. “Don’t.”
“You don’t like hearing it?”
Sirius swallowed. “I don’t like thinking about it.”
“Well, perhaps you would feel better if you accepted that things are the way they are.”
“Accepted-?”
“You can’t change who you are. If you just accepted things, then I’d wager you’d be happier for it.”
Sirius shook his head. “I think it’s far more complicated than that.”
“Only because you’re making it that way. Now, I’m going down to the common room and you’re going to talk to Remus.”
“Not today!” cried Sirius, knowing he didn’t have the balls to start a conversation like the one he was having with Lily. At least, not yet.
“Fine, but soon, all right?” Lily went to the door and turned the knob. “And I meant what I said, about liking you. I do, but I like Remus, too, and I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
And then she left Sirius alone in the dormitory.
XXXXXXX
The still-frosty mornings of March melted into April and the new month brought along new realizations. School was going to be over. For good. With school being done with, Sirius knew he had to find a place to live. James told him he could continue to stay at his house, but Mr Potter had been sick ever since Valentine’s and Sirius got the feeling that he wasn’t going to get any better. Besides, Lily was going to use her Potions skills to good use and work for the research department at the Ministry, which meant that she would be letting a flat in London. Sirius figured James would be over there most of the time, which would leave him at the Potters’ by himself. There was nothing worse for Sirius than being alone and ignored.
Sirius began collecting ads and brochures for houses and flats. With a tap of his wand on the ad, a visual would pop up so that he could see exactly what the rooms looked like. He usually went looked through his small collection of ads in the common room because the lower years were in such awe that someone in their house was trying to let their own place.
In the middle of April, Sirius had made two piles - one for houses, one for flats. The ones he was no long considering, he threw into the fire.
“You’re going to burn yourself,” admonished Lily, charming a Muggle paperclip to dance around on James’ lap.
“Mmm,” said Sirius, not really paying attention.
The four Marauders and Lily were seated near the fireplace, the best seats in the common room. Sirius was on the floor, going through his piles of ads for the seventh or eighth time. Remus moved from the sofa to sit near him.
“Let me see them,” he said, reaching for a house.
“Not too busy with NEWTs?” snapped Sirius.
Remus blinked and looked a bit hurt. Sirius felt guilty. He didn’t mean to always lash out and snap at everyone, but it wasn’t something he could always control.
“This one’s too big,” said Remus. “You don’t really need three bedrooms, do you? What would you do with the extra space?”
“I guess,” said Sirius, taking the ad from Remus. He tossed it over his shoulder and it landed in the fireplace, shooting flames up four feet high. A couple of first years yelped in surprise and Sirius smirked.
“This is a one-bedroom, but the rooms all look really big,” said Remus, handing the ad over to Sirius. “You hate household spells, so it’d be less to clean.”
“Where will you live after we leave school, Remus?” Lily asked.
Sirius could have spit at her. Remus always got red about the ears whenever someone asked him what his future plans were. He could not afford to live on his own and he could not get a job. Both of those things were because of his lycanthropy and Lily should know better than to ask questions like that.
“With my parents, I suppose,” he answered, swallowing hard.
“Don’t look so ashamed. You like your parents, don’t you?”
“Oh, sure. They’re fine. They don’t bother me, at any rate. It’s not really the same as being on your own, though, is it?”
Lily shook her head. “No, I suppose not. I’ll go home for a few weeks while I set up my flat, then I’ll be free. I think it’ll be nice.”
“Right ...”
Lily looked at her wristwatch. “Oh, James, we have patrols.”
“Can we do them together?”
“You’re perfectly capable of patrolling the dungeons and ground floor on your own, aren’t you?” asked Lily, standing up.
James grumbled, but he stood up as well and left the common room with her, adjusting his Head Boy badge as he did so. Without James around to protect him from Sirius’ moods, Peter jumped at the chance to play Exploding Snap with the sixth-years.
“You know ...” said Sirius slowly. “You could always live with me.”
“Pardon?”
“I’d make rent really cheap.”
Remus looked him straight in the eye. “You’ve a one-bedroom in your hand.”
“So?”
“So would we share the same bedroom, too, then?”
Sirius didn’t answer and looked away. He felt a hand reach down and place itself low on his knee. Sirius flinched and moved his leg away from Remus’ touch.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. Er, I gotta - I’ll be back - have to, er, get something ...” Sirius pushed his piles of ads together and stacked them into his hand and stood up. He ran up the stairs, breathing heavily, and mentally hexing himself for being such a fucking idiot.
Throwing the ads across the room, he flopped down on his back on his bed and rubbed at his eyes, gritting his teeth and biting back a scream. God, he was so fucked up.
“Sirius?”
He ignored Remus as the boy closed the dormitory door. He heard a familiar squelching sound that let him know Remus had Imperturbed the door. The bed squeaked and sagged as another body joined him on the mattress.
“Sirius?”
He felt Remus’ hands take hold of his wrists and move his palms away from his face. He knew he would have to look at Remus; he couldn’t simply avoid him, especially since he was sitting right next to him.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not-”
“Don’t lie to me,” Remus repeated, a dangerous tone to his voice. “You always let me touch you, except lately ...”
“I know. I don’t know. I’ve no idea.”
“No idea at all?”
Sirius pushed himself up off the bed and stood. “It’s not right.”
“What’s not?”
“This,” said Sirius, motioning between them. “This thing we’re doing.”
“I wasn’t aware we were doing anything. In fact, I think we spend a lot of time doing not much of anything.”
“Yeah.”
“Exactly. So what’s the problem?”
Sirius shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t have to sleep in your bed sometimes. I thought you wanted me there or I wouldn’t have-”
“I want you there.”
“-come, only with you asking me to read to you and all that - wait, you do? Still?”
Sirius nodded.
“So, then what’s the problem? You’ve touched me loads of times around other people, but if you’d rather I didn’t, then I won’t.”
“Fuck, no, it’s not - I just. Fuck, Remus, what the fuck is going on?”
“I’m sorry?”
“With us.”
“Oh, I didn’t-”
“This is not normal,” said Sirius. “I don’t know what I want. I can’t stand not to have you keep - y’know - sleeping in my bed and ... and everything ... but it’s not - what if people find out?”
“Do you care if people find out? We haven’t done anything. I think you want to stop.”
Sirius shook his head. “No, I don’t. This is bloody ridiculous.”
“What is? You’re not making any sense.”
“Did you know that I haven’t fooled around with a girl since bloody sixth year?”
Remus looked taken aback. “... Really?”
“Yeah. Isn’t that unbelievable? I’ve never - I’m always - you know - with a girl.”
“Quite the Casanova.”
“Right. Right! Exactly. It’s just ... Christ, Remus, you’ve really fucked with my head.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s just - I’m not gay.”
“Well, that’s good news.”
Sirius’ mouth gaped open in surprise. Remus was never sarcastic. “Well, it’s just - aren’t you?”
“I don’t think so. Maybe. Does it matter?”
“Well ...” Sirius paused. “I don’t know. Does it?”
“Now, this might be a nasty rumor floating about, but I’ve heard you can fancy both.”
“Both.”
“Girls and boys.”
“Both, oh, right of course.” Sirius knew he sounded delirious, but this concept of both was brilliant. He had no idea why he hadn’t entertained that thought more. He had been so concerned with not trying to figure out whether he was gay, that he hadn’t really thought that maybe he actually wasn’t. Perhaps he should have spent less time avoiding this conversation with Remus and actually had it.
“I’m really rather shocked,” said Remus. “You’re so conceited usually. You never have to worry about friends or getting girls to fancy you. You haven’t even opened a book for the NEWTs, but you’ll probably pass everything anyway. You have a way of making everyone think you’re brilliant and everyone pretty much does. Yet, you’re afraid of ... this?”
Sirius shrugged.
“Why? I know I said before that I was confused as well, but that was months ago. I thought we would both have figured things out before now. Only you haven’t. Really, though, Sirius, why are you so scared?”
Sirius shrugged again. His hands fell limply by his sides as he looked at Remus, sitting on the bed, looking very curious.
“I imagine it partly has to do with me being a boy. But also because it actually means something this time?” ventured Remus. “Or because you want it to mean something?”
“How d’you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Know what I’m thinking?”
Remus sniggered. “Living with you for seven years, I suspect.”
“I don’t think - or rather, I know that I haven’t had the most meaningful relationships, but it never mattered. Now it feels like it should matter and you’re not the person it was supposed to matter with. God, am I making sense? I mean, only now it does matter and you’re a boy.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“You’re right, though. About the other things. Everyone does think I’m rather brilliant, don’t they?”
Remus shook his head with a small smile on his face.
“And I am good-looking. Better looking than James, I should think.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Moving on,” he said. “So, do you actually want me to move in with you?”
“Maybe ...”
“Maybe.”
Sirius shrugged. “I’d wager I’d get rather lonely.”
“You probably need someone around to give you attention.”
“Mmm.”
“Do you want this?” asked Remus.
Sirius looked around the room, everywhere but at Remus. “What’s ‘this?’”
“Whatever we make it, I suppose. Sirius, are you worried that your family will find out? They’ve already disowned you once, they can’t do it twice.”
“Is it stupid that as much as I hate them, I don’t want them to hate me?”
“No,” answered Remus. He said it so firmly that Sirius couldn’t help but look at him. “Remember what I said a while back? About how none of your friends would ever tell you we don’t love you? So stop worrying about your family and other people.”
“What about you? You’re a werewolf. This’ll just - I mean, this’ll make it even harder for you to get a job or ... y’know ... people will just hate you more for it.”
“Not if they don’t find out. Believe me, Sirius, I had the same thoughts as you did at first. I really did. I kept thinking that here you are, with all that money your uncle left you. You are popular and if you wanted a job, you could do anything you liked. I would only bring you down. I almost stopped reading to you because I’d convinced myself I was all wrong for you and that what we were doing was nonsense. People might not hire you if they knew you were friends with a werewolf, letting alone living with one.”
“But you changed your mind?”
Remus nodded.
“Why? How?”
“Because the other option was not being with you and that would be harder to live with.”
Sirius swallowed. All those girls in the past. The snogging, the touching, the occasional shagging. None of them had loved him and he certainly hadn’t loved them. But here love was, staring him in the face with bright brown eyes and sandy brown hair and a jagged scar across the nose, and Sirius couldn’t understand how or why love would want him. How could anyone want someone whose own mother didn’t love him? It was preposterous.
Remus stood up and walked closer to Sirius, standing right in front of him. His hands shook as he reached out and placed them on Sirius’ hips, pulling him forward. Sirius watched as Remus’ tilted his head up just slightly, as he was a couple inches shorter, and moved his mouth towards’ Sirius’.
Sirius pushed Remus back. “What’re you doing?”
“Shutting you up.”
“What? That’s how you’re shutting me up?”
“Do you want it or not? You can’t go only halfway. It’s all or nothing. Do you understand?”
Sirius nodded.
“So? Do you want it or not?”
Sirius nodded again. “Yeah. I want-”
He didn’t finish his sentence. Remus put his mouth against his, moving his lips, opening Sirius’ mouth with his tongue.
Oh, god, with his tongue. Sirius had forgotten how to breathe. His heart had stopped beating. He was going to pass out. He was such a blasted idiot; he’d fantasized about kissing Remus for months and now it was happening. Remus was kissing him and he was standing there like a fool, not even moving. Right. He needed to move and he needed to move now.
Sirius fisted Remus’ shirt, keeping hold on him, as though Remus might suddenly vanish. Minutes later, Remus pulled back, resting his forehead against Sirius’, breathing in deeply.
“Thank god,” muttered Sirius. “I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do if that didn’t happen soon.”
“You almost didn’t let it.”
“Right, I know. I’m an idiot.”
“No,” said Remus. “Just ... confused.”
“Word of the fucking year, that.”
Remus sniggered. “Yeah.”
Sirius could feel Remus’ breath against his face.
“You’re sure you want it?” asked Remus.
Sirius nodded. “Oh, yeah, I’m sure. Christ, Moony, I’m so fucked up - how did you stand it?”
“Because half the time I was figuring things out for myself, figuring out who I was. That’s why it seemed as though I didn’t mind waiting for you to start accepting what was happening between us. I told you I was confused, didn’t I?”
Sirius nodded. “And so now you want this? Are you sure?”
“I told you - I can’t not have this,” said Remus, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“I think - I don’t - I can’t not have you, either. I think. God, we fucking talk too much, like a pair of girls.”
“Then what-”
“I’m going to shut you up now,” said Sirius, interrupting Remus.
“How’re you-”
Sirius pushed his mouth against Remus’, fitting their lips together, and then touching his tongue with his own. His body stirred, filling with renewed energy as though his veins were pumping electrical currants instead of blood. He pushed against Remus, walking them backwards until the back of Remus’ knees hit his bed and he sat.
Their mouths broke for a moment as Remus maneuvered to the center of the bed, Sirius moving over him. Their eyes locked for a brief moment and Sirius felt Remus’ hand move under his shirt and rest on his back. It’s all right, it said.
Sirius kissed him again; I know. He was already growing hard, from all the months of being next to Remus without touching him. As he lowered his body onto Remus’, he felt that the he, too, was having the same reaction.
“Are you going to read to me tonight?” asked Sirius.
Remus laughed and nodded. “Sure. If there’s time when we’re done.”
Sirius smirked. And as he kissed him again, the kiss said, I accept this.
XXXXXXX
“There’s only one chapter left,” said Sirius, frowning as he flipped through the last batch of pages in the book.
“And it only took us six months to finish it,” said Remus dryly. He unrolled a pair of socks and put them on his feet.
James and Peter were out, doing Marauderish things on the last night they would be at Hogwarts. Sirius had opted out, pressing a hand on the small of Remus’ back, and Remus had declined as well. James looked skeptical, but Peter just accepted it like he accepted everything without any explanation, and left with James.
Things hadn’t really changed with Remus, which was something Sirius had been nervous about since that first kiss. Remus continued to study for the NEWTs like a madman and only read to him on the weekends, when essays and homework weren’t looming over his head. He wasn’t clingy and he wasn’t jealous. He laughed when a sixth-year girl asked Sirius to go to Hosgmeade and then laughed even harder when Sirius had no idea how to decline.
“She cornered me!” Sirius snapped. “They’ve never done that before.”
“Done what?” Remus had asked.
“Asked me.”
“How’d it go about before?”
“I’d go up to them. Say, ‘you, me, Hogsmeade, snogging.’ They’d laugh and say okay, and then we’d go to Hogsmeade and snog. It was all very simple.”
“I cannot believe anyone agreed to go out with you after saying that.”
“It’s my charm.” Sirius grinned broadly.
“Well, you agreed to go with her, so now you’ll have to go.”
“You don’t care? You’re supposed to get jealous and flounce off and leave me all confused over what I’ve done. At least, that’s how I hear it’s supposed to go.”
“I’m not a girl, you shit,” said Remus.
“Ah! Remus said shit! God, I’m a bad influence.”
“I won’t care if you go. I really rather find it amusing. I won’t even follow you around.”
“What d’I do if she wants to snog me?”
Remus laughed loudly, tears springing at his eyes. “I cannot believe you’ve never had this problem in the past.”
“I’ve never been involved in the past. I don’t know the rules.”
“Are there rules, Padfoot? You can figure it out for yourself. Let her down easily. Tell her that you like her company and think she’s very pretty and very clever, but you’re going to leave school and it wouldn’t be fair to her to get involved with you, not when she’ll be at school next year and you’ll have your own house.”
Remus was so clever. Sirius smirked to himself at the memory of him saying those exact words to the sixth-year. It was all very foreign to him, turning down a girl for a snog and a second date, but he didn’t mind. He wondered what kind of gossip was said during his year of no girlfriends. Someone must have talked. Sirius didn’t really care; these were Hogwarts students and school was going to be left behind them. It didn’t matter what anyone said, because they were never going to see any of them again.
“Are you going to read it or not?” asked Remus as he lay down on Sirius’ bed.
“How come we never do this in your bed?”
“Yours is warmer.”
“Mmmm,” hummed Sirius.
“The first thing you have to buy when you move into your house is a bigger bed. I’ll be glad to be rid of the single mattresses. You need one that can actually fit us.”
“That’ll be nice,” said Sirius. “I suppose that means you’ll actually move in, then?”
“I’m still considering it, but it’s nice to know that you want me there. You know my parents, though. They’ll want to see the house and where I’m living. You can explain to them why there’s only one bedroom.”
“There’s an extra room ... we could set it up. Like a rooze.”
Remus shook his head. “No. I don’t want to lie to my parents. We’ll see what happens. I’m still seventeen and you’re only eighteen. Moving in together is rather a large responsibility and I don’t know if either of us is mature enough to handle it.”
“But you’ll come over?”
“Oh, I’ll come over a lot, but if we get tired of one another, I’ll go home.” Remus flicked his fingers against the cover of the book.
“D’you want me to read?”
“Yeah.”
“Stop talking, then.”
Remus closed his mouth and curled himself next Sirius who was sitting up and using the headboard as a backrest. Sirius read, his voice faltering when Remus began to run his hands across his stomach underneath his t-shirt. There was nothing like the feel of Remus’ hands on his skin. He kept reading, trying to ignore the other boy, but it was almost impossible when Remus’ fingers undid the drawstring of his pajama bottoms and slipped under the elastic, gripping his half-hard erection.
There was only one page left of the book before the end and Sirius raced to finish it.
“The end and they lived happily ever after, et cetera.”
Remus’ hand stopped moving. He sat up and looked at Sirius.
“That’s not how it ends.”
“How d’you know?”
“Because I’ve read that book before.”
“Oh, right. Well, perhaps they do live happily ever after.”
“Maybe they don’t.”
“Maybe it’s sort-of happily ever after, then.”
“It’s not.”
“Oh, don’t be a killjoy, Moony. And put your hand back.”
Sirius didn’t wait for Remus to make the move; he curled his hand around the back of Remus’ neck and pulled him forward, meeting his mouth halfway and kissing him. Remus pushed against Sirius until he was on his back, the werewolf on top of him, their bodies pressed together. Remus’ mouth was against his neck, Sirius’ hand snaking its way into Remus’ pajamas.
“Wait,” said Sirius, pushing against Remus until the boy looked at his face, “that sort-of happily ever after bollocks - it’s not complete shit, is it?”
Remus shook his head. “Not complete shit, no,” he answered, and went back to kissing Sirius.
Well, that answered that, then. Perhaps things weren’t perfect - they were two boys after all, barely even men, but they were going to feel their way through life, through growing up, together. And even if happily ever after didn’t last forever, if it even lasted for a day, that would be good enough for Sirius. For now.
XXXXXXX
End.
XXXXXXX
As always, links to all my fics (divided up by pairings) can be found here: Click Me