The Sharing of Breath, Part II
Title: The Sharing of Breath (Part 2 of 4)
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for language)
Type: Multi-chap, completed, angst, romance
Summary:When Sirius’ miserable moods suggest that everything is going wrong,something starts to go right. A “how they got together” story.
Author’s Notes:Written because sometimes it's Remus who wants to always climb intoSirius' bed. Written in 4 parts. I will post a new part every coupledays until it’s complete.
Posting now because I don't know if I'll get a chance to post it later. And because I finished re-reading Part II and it's to my liking.
Back to The Sharing of Breath, Part I
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Part II
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“Whose bloody alarm is that?” yelled James. “It’s Saturday. Turn it off!”
Sirius listened to James curse, but refused to open his eyes. He was on his stomach, his cheek smooshed into his pillow. He knew if he lifted his head, his skin would be tattooed with an indentation from the seam of the pillowcase. As James’ grumbling continued, Sirius felt blindly through his bed curtains for his watch, which he had taken off before bed and placed on his bedside table. His fingers touched the cold metal circling the face of it and he grasped it and brought it back inside the curtains. Cracking an eye open, Sirius read the time. 7:16 AM.
“James,” Sirius mumbled, “shut up.”
Next came a crashing and breaking noise, as though something had been flung against a wall with a lot of force. The noise was loud and Sirius jumped, rather annoyed that James insisted on making such a bloody ruckus at so early an hour.
“Whuzzat?” a voice grumbled from the other side of Sirius.
Sirius jumped in surprise again and sat up. Remus was stirring next to him, no doubt waking up from all James’ noise, especially since he was normally such a light sleeper. The book he had been reading the night before was opened, but covering half of his face. The werewolf stretched and pushed the book away, blinking awake.
“Morning, Sirius - what’re you doing in my bed?”
“’S’not your bed,” yawned Sirius, keeping his voice low. “’S’mine.”
Remus sat up and looked around. “Oh ... what?” The expression on his face was one of confusion and he scratched his head, as though he might itch sense into the morning.
“You fell asleep when you were reading,” whispered Sirius. “James broke your alarm clock.”
“Why?”
“You still had it set and you weren’t there to turn it off.”
“Ah,” said Remus, “I thought I dreamt about it going off. Normally I’d wake up if a piece of parchment hit the floor. Moon is rather close, though, so that must be it.” He yawned and stretched again. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
“Did he go back to sleep?” asked Remus. “James, I mean?”
Sirius listened for the sounds of James’ snoring, but heard nothing except silence. He shook his head. “No, not yet.”
“Well, I best suck it up and sneak back to my own bed. I could use a couple more hours sleep.”
“What’ll you tell James if he sees you?”
Remus gave Sirius a quizzical look. “I figured on the truth.”
“No, you can’t do that. He’ll think it’s queer that I asked you to read to me.”
Remus’ puzzled look deepened. “James won’t care. I’m sure he does all kinds of things with Lily that you might think is strange.”
“Exactly!” snapped Sirius. “With Evans. You’re not my Evans, Moony. You’re my mate.”
“Oh. Ohh.” Remus sniggered. “Don’t be daft, Sirius. If it bothers you that much, read to yourself tonight instead.”
“But now I’m interested in that book,” said Sirius, motioning towards the book that had fallen on his pillow when Remus pushed it off his face.
Remus sighed. “I never know what you want …”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. It’s Saturday, though, and I expect James shall have something planned that’ll have us coming back to the dormitory at sunrise.”
“Or else he’s going to try to suck Evans’ face off some more.”
Remus shrugged. “Perhaps. But be optimistic. You might be too tired tonight to read anyhow. You could always work on Slughorn’s essay, since you’re still in NEWT Potions. Or, and this really is a rather brilliant idea, you could do your History of Magic homework and I could copy it off you this time.”
“You know that’s a stupid idea,” said Sirius. “I get confused between the goblin names and the giant names. You’d probably end up writing down about the Giant War of 1412 led by Hrothgar and the Goblin Rebellion of 1549 led by Filliban. Which I’m sure is entirely wrong ... and I bet you’re going to correct me now, aren’t you?”
“Everyone knows Filliban lived in the eighteenth century and not the sixteenth and he led the centaurs against the Ministry of Magic in Germany.”
Sirius shook his head in amazement. The way Remus’ brain expanded and held in every bit of information ever was truly astounding.
“And Hrothgar wasn’t a giant.”
“Who was he? A goblin? A troll? A Squib? For god’s sake, don’t hold out on me. Merlin knows that knowing who Hrothgar is is probably of utmost importance.”
“Mockery does not suit you, Sirius,” said Remus. “No, a Muggle in Muggle literature. You must’ve heard me talk about him ... though I don’t know why I would have, not to you anyway. I had a conversation with Lily about it once, however ... Hrothgar and Grendel and - never mind, I’ll simply put you to sleep if I keep talking. Though that’s another story you might like. It has dragons and monsters.”
“It’s not even seven-thirty in the morning yet, so I don’t care,” said Sirius. “’S’too early to care.” His ears perked up; James was beginning to snore again. “Why don’t you just shut up so we can go back to sleep? Too bloody early to be awake on a Saturday.”
Sirius watched Remus for a reaction. The boy stiffened and looked around at the bed and swallowed visibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he did so.
“Was that a snore? I think James’s asleep again.”
Sirius nodded and watched as Remus slipped between his bed curtains and disappeared out of sight. It was ridiculous to think that he had wanted Remus to stay and go back to sleep with him. When they woke up they were barely touching. Nothing had happened the night before. In the end, Sirius chalked it up to needing a best mate who didn’t have a girlfriend; a best mate who was always around. That was why he wanted Remus to stay. There was no other reason.
XXXXXXX
The four of them didn’t make it to breakfast until nearly ten o’clock. Almost everything had been eaten already. All the jam was gone so Sirius had to make a meal out of butter and toast instead. Remus sat beside him and it only just then occurred to Sirius that this wasn’t normal for them except for the past couple of weeks. Usually, Remus sat across from Sirius, next to Peter.
As Remus reached for the butter, his elbow knocked into Sirius’ arm. He didn’t apologize or even act as though it had happened. Sirius chewed slower, concentrating more on what Remus was doing beside him. Chewing and watching his best mate at the same time was a difficult feat and once Remus had returned the butter to its place on the table, Sirius began to chew at a normal pace again.
After breakfast they all walked back to the common room. Sirius took a small step sideways so he could bump into Remus. When he didn’t get a reaction, Sirius narrowed his eyes, even more confused than before. One would think that purposefully accidental touching would elicit some sort of response. Then Sirius wondered if Remus’ elbow knocking into him at breakfast was also an on-purpose accident or not.
Peter wanted to play Exploding Snap. Sirius and Remus didn’t want to play, but agreed to watch as Peter played with a couple of sixth-years. James played a game of cards with Lily near them; every few minutes he’d swear about Muggles having daft rules for their rubbish card games. Lily only smiled and continued to win every hand.
Sirius was glad when it was time for lunch; he could only watch Exploding Snap for so many hours, even though it was nice to watch the cards explode in Peter’s face. When they sat the Gryffindor table, Sirius felt Remus’ hip next to his. Was Remus sitting closer to him … or was he sitting closer to Remus? Who had initially sat down? Or had they sat at the exact same time? And was it a battle of wills to see who would move over to give the other room first?
What if Remus’ lack of response was because he had no idea anything was going on? What if everything was in Sirius’ head?
They ate with relative normalcy and after lunch Remus headed to the library to work on an essay and James had a Saturday afternoon Quidditch practice. With nothing else to do, Sirius decided to go down to the pitch to watch. He went back to Gryffindor Tower to collect his coat. Remus was gathering up his books and a small stack of parchment when Sirius entered.
“What’re you off to study?” asked Sirius.
“Ancient Runes. Lily’s going to study for Astronomy and asked if I wanted to share a table.”
“Better watch out or James’ll get jealous.”
Remus smiled and shook his head. “No, I rather doubt that. He’ll be at Quidditch anyway. Is that where you’re going?”
“Yeah.”
“You should add socks to that pile in your hands.”
Sirius looked down. He had his Muggle-style coat, scar, gloves, and a hat that covered his ears gripped in his hands.
“How’d you know I wasn’t wearing socks?”
“You never do. But if you want your feet to freeze … I need to get to the library. I want to have this finished before tonight. James said he wanted to go to Hosgmeade.”
“Yeah, he needs to replenish his stash of sweets.”
“I was under the impression he wanted to get a drink at the Hog’s Head.”
“Nothing gets past you, does it?”
“I don’t really want to be around when Lily finds out.”
“She won’t.”
“Doesn’t she always?”
Sirius paused. “... Yeah.”
“I need to get to the library. I’ll see you.”
Sirius put on his coat and buttoned it up. He looked at the hat in his hands and tossed it on his bed. His ears would just have to get cold; the hat would severely mess up his long hair.
XXXXXXX
Lily announced she was spending the evening with her girl friends up in the sixth-year girls’ dormitory, which was perfect because now James and Sirius could sneak to Hogsmeade without Lily trying to stop them. James invited Peter to go with them and they made their way to Honeydukes. James was disappointed that neither Peter nor Sirius was interested in drinking at the Hog’s Head so they just looked around the sweet shop for the goodies they wanted to take back to Gryffindor. Sirius left a small mountain of wizard coins next to the register as they nicked armfuls of sweets.
Back in the dormitory, Remus held out his hand as they all entered, his eyes slowly scanning his book from left to right.
Sirius dumped his sweets on his bed and rummaged through them, looking for Honeydukes Special Anniversary Dark that he always brought back for Remus whenever he opted not to go to Hogsmeade with them. He placed the large chocolate bar in Remus’ outstretched hand, accidentally (and not purposefully accidental, either) touching his skin. Remus’ fingers curled around the chocolate and he said, “Thanks.”
“Mmm,” mumbled Sirius. “Is that the book we were reading last night?”
“No.”
“What is it?”
Remus glanced over the top of his book at Sirius, who was standing a meter or so away, fingers slowly opening a Chocolate Frog.
“Muggle Studies.”
“Ah.”
Remus ran his tongue across his teeth as he went back to reading. “If you’re going to watch me read, you could pull up a chair.”
Sirius’ frog jumped out of his hand and splattered on the floor. “Fuck!” he cried.
“It’s just a frog,” said James from across the room, pulling his sweatshirt over his head and tossing it in the corner. “You’ve been acting really bizarre all day. Stop it.”
“I don’t think Sirius’ peculiarities have an off-switch, James,” said Remus jokingly.
“Sod off,” snapped Sirius. “The both of you.” He snatched the book Remus read aloud the night before off the bedside table and stomped down to the common room.
It was barely nine o’clock, so the common room was filled with students, mostly the lower-years. Several fourth-year boys were gathered in a corner, listening to one of their classmates tell a story. By the way they all had fascinated looks on their faces, Sirius surmised that the boy in the center had probably just coped his first feel and the other boys were listening to the tale. It had been like that when he was a fourth-year; Peter, James, and Remus all sat on his bed and listened to him talk about the way Margaret Temple’s breasts felt like under his hands.
“You think touching them over the uniform shirts is nice? Try just skin. It’s bloody amazing!” he’d said. James had groaned in envy, Peter had looked in complete awe, and Remus had merely raised his eyebrows and shrugged, as if to say, “Well, what else did you really expect?” Remus often gave him much the same look nowadays.
Sirius sat down on the sofa in front of the fireplace. A small boy sat on the other end, scratching away on a piece of parchment with a silver quill. There was far too much noise in the common room to read and since it was Saturday, chances of the room being vacated early were slim. Still, Sirius opened the book and turned the pages with such force, he was surprised he hadn’t ripped them away from the spine. He had no idea where Remus had left off the night before.
“Hey, Padfoot?”
Sirius looked up. Remus stood before him, hand held out.
“I already gave you your stupid chocolate.”
“I want the book.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw the small boy looking at them from the end of the sofa.
“What’re you looking at?”
The boy shook his head. “Nothing.”
“So stop staring at me!”
“Be nice, Sirius,” said Remus. To the boy he said, “Sorry, Sirius forgot to take his Sanity Draught this morning so he’s been a bit crazy all day.”
“Right,” said the boy. “I’ll just go ... to bed ...” He rolled his parchment and took off towards the boys’ dormitory stairs.
“You scared him,” said Remus, sitting down on the middle cushion, but still a very safe distance away from Sirius.
“Who cares? You can’t have your book. I’m reading it. You already know what happens.”
“I told you last night I can’t stop reading in the middle of a book. I’ve started it, therefore I need to finish it.”
Sirius frowned. “Sometimes you act like you got that - what was it we learned about in Muggle Studies? - obsessive compulsive thing.”
“I’m not obsessive compulsive. Perhaps about my books and schoolwork, but those things are important. Just give me the book and I’ll finish it again in a few days and I’ll give it back to you. Or I can just read it out loud again, but it’s rather noisy in here so it’d have to wait for later.”
Sirius’ frown deepened.
“Though, I think it best that we read down here. I don’t want to wake up in your - like this morning.”
“Right.”
“Are you okay? James was right. You’ve been acting strange all day.”
“I’m fine ... I’m going to shower ... unless James is hogging all the hot water?”
Remus shook his head. “No, he left. Didn’t you see the portrait hole opening on its own? He went to nick some apple tart from the kitchens. I guess the sweets you got from Honeydukes isn’t sustaining his need to eat more crap.”
Sirius almost laughed. It wasn’t often Remus used words like “crap” and when he did, it was usually rather funny, but Sirius wasn’t in the mood for laughter tonight.
“Well, I’m going to shower, then. Maybe when I’m done the common room will be empty and all these snot-nosed brats will be in bed.”
“You were a snot-nosed brat once.”
“And I hate myself every day for it.”
Sirius turned and dashed up the stairs to go take a shower, even though he didn’t feel very dirty. At least, not physically.
XXXXXXX
The last week of classes before any break were always a bit of a joke. No one paid much attention and even the professors seemed to be anxious to leave and get home to their families for Christmas. Not all the professors left. McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Slughorn always stayed behind. Kettleburn had fifteen grandchildren that he went to visit every year and the Astronomy professor, Peterson, spent her holidays in Italy, having a mad love affair with an Italian man several years her junior. Everyone knew about the affair, especially since on the weekends she was most often nowhere to be found. Astronomy was a particular bore that last week and on the last day, Professor Peterson had a sign up on the classroom door: CANCELED.
The whole idea of classes being canceled was brilliant and just meant that the holiday started two hours sooner. Sirius pulled the knot of his tie down and unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. He untucked his shirttail and stretched, his fingers reaching towards the ceiling.
“Ah, no classes for three and a half weeks. The idea of an extended Christmas holiday is brilliant.”
“I don’t know,” said Peter as they walked back towards their common room. “I don’t think my mum’s going to send me any presents. She’s rather hacked off that I insisted on staying here.”
“Didn’t you explain to her?” asked James. “This is important. Our last Christmas together!”
“You act as though we’re never going to see one another once we leave school,” said Remus. “That can’t possibly be true. True, I’ll be living with my parents again, but I’ve got my Apparition license - and so do you two.” He nodded towards James and Sirius.
“It was only an earlobe,” whimpered Peter. “I was so close to getting it this last time, too. If only my stupid earlobe had stayed in tact.”
Sirius snorted. “Just be glad it was your earlobe and not something more vital.” He slung his arm around Remus’ shoulder. “And you’re right. We’re going to see loads of each other. I’m going to pop in every day and eat some of your mum’s apple tart. James likes the tart from the kitchens, but nothing beats out Moony’s mum’s pies. I could drool over Moony’s mum’s pies.”
“The apple tarts here really hits the spot, if you know what I mean. And I’ll be busy, though,” said James, “with Auror training. It starts next September and I hear it’s brutal.”
“I’ll be busy not working,” said Sirius, “thanks to my dear uncle who left me enough Galleons to never work again. What’re you gon’ do, Moony?”
“Get a job, I suppose.”
“Doing what?”
He shrugged and Sirius had to drop his arm from his shoulder as Remus jumped over the vanishing step on the staircase that led up to the tower. “Probably in a Muggle shop somewhere. There’s no way they can find out about me.”
“They wouldn’t believe it anyway,” said James. “My dad said most Muggles are right thick about magic. They’d prefer to think they’re going mad than admit that something magical is going on.”
“Like the vanishing rosebushes,” laughed Sirius.
“That wasn’t amusing,” said Remus, though his tone suggested he wasn’t entire serious. “Your poor neighbors, James. Running off to buy more and more rosebushes every day because Sirius kept shrinking them. Bless them, the unfortunate Muggles, having you lot live in the house next door.”
“They thought we were the mad ones,” said James. “What - with all the owls always sitting on our roof. My dad had a party once and the RSVP messages came back - a hundred in an hour.”
“Magique baguette,” said Peter, and the portrait swung open.
They climbed through and into the deserted common room; all the other students must still be in lessons. Sirius dropped his satchel full of books and parchment and plopped himself down on the sofa. Remus sat down next to him, on the middle cushion and stretched both his arms, resting them on the back of the sofa. If Sirius leaned his head back, his hair would brush against Remus’ forearm.
“I need to go to Hogsmeade again,” said James, sprawling out on the floor. “I still haven’t got Lily a Christmas present.”
“You should probably do that,” said Sirius. “I think it’s important to buy one’s girlfriend something for Christmas. A suggestion, if I may? Nothing from Zonko’s.”
“Shut up,” said James. “I’m not an idiot.”
“Hmmm,” said Sirius. “I wouldn’t have guessed.” He shifted, crossing his leg in such a way that his knee just barely hovered over Remus’ thigh. If he moved his leg ever so slightly, he would be touching him.
“Why don’t you come with me, Sirius?”
“Er ... all right. Is this going to be a Marauder expedition?”
“No,” said James rather quickly. “I mean - I’ve already got your present, but not Peter’s or Remus’ ...”
Sirius narrowed his eyes at James, but consented to going to Hogsmeade anyway.
“Lily said she needed new stationery,” commented Remus. “She told me while we were studying last weekend - why are you giving me that look?”
“You were studying with my girlfriend?” demanded James.
“Oh, come off it. She’s not interested in me. We shared a table at the library. I hear girls think it’s nice sometimes to be around a boy who doesn’t want their tongues in their mouths.”
“You could have told me.”
“That we studied? Jealousy looks rotten on you, James. Stop it.”
James frowned.
“He’s right,” said Peter. “It’s not as though Lily’s gonna be interested in Remus.”
“Why not?” asked Sirius, immediately realizing how angry he sounded.
“Er ... because he’s Remus. That’s all. No offense, Moony, but it’s not like you got a girl - or ever had one.”
Remus flinched. “That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Doesn’t it?” said Peter. “I thought ... never mind.”
“I’m not a eunuch, you know. If I’m going to date, it’ll be someone who knows about my condition already. It’s not a secret that can come out at Hogwarts; I could get expelled. Not everyone is as opened minded as Lily - and before you say anything, James, I told Lily already about it and she took it very well. That’s all I meant.”
Sirius listened to Remus and felt awful. Here he was, able to get any girl he wanted, and Remus couldn’t because of a bit of lycanthropy. It didn’t seem fair. Sirius lowered his knee onto Remus’ thigh.
James nodded. “I know, Lily told me. I knew she wouldn’t care.”
“Not all girls are like that,” said Remus. “It doesn’t matter, but, Peter, really, don’t talk unless you know what you’re saying.”
Peter blushed and nodded. “Sorry.”
“Let’s get to Hogsmeade now so we can get back in time for dinner,” said James.
“Sure,” said Sirius. He put both feet on the floor and right before he stood up, he was sure he felt fingers touch the back of his neck.
XXXXXXX
They snuck through Honeydukes and made their way out onto the streets of Hogsmeade. There was day-old snow on the ground that their feet sunk into as they walked. The sky was clear, although already getting a bit dark. Branches brushed together as the wind pushed them and Sirius wished that, for once, he’d listened to Remus about putting on socks.
“Goddamn, it’s cold out-”
“What’s going on with you?” asked James, stopping in the middle of the street.
“What d’you mean?” Sirius slowed his walk until he stopped, a few feet away from James. He shivered as the wind picked up speed and combed through his hair.
“You. You’re being - well, you’re being weird.”
“Thanks for clearing things up,” snapped Sirius. “If this is about my rotten moods, Remus already tore me a new one about them.”
“That’s just it!” cried James. “Remus.”
“You’re making even less sense now. Let’s just get to Scrivenshaft’s - there’s probably heat in there.”
James didn’t move. “Sirius.”
“James.”
“Sirius.”
“James.”
James threw his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know how I’m s’posed to say this!”
“Just say it! You’re supposed to be able to say anything to me, right? So fucking out with it or else I’m going back to school.”
“What’s going on with you and Remus?”
“Me and Remus?”
“No,” said James. “You with Remus, I mean. Remus seems to be acting rather normal. You on the other hand. Are not.”
Sirius felt the color drain from his face. He wasn’t sure exactly what was going on with him, but he hoped it wasn’t noticeable. So if James - whose attention span was worse than his - picked up on it, then what if Remus ...? Sirius felt nauseated at the thought.
“I dunno what you mean.”
James groaned. “Yes you do! How can you not know? You look at him all the time. You stand really, really close when you talk. I’ve seen you do the same thing to girls before. But Remus isn’t. I mean, a girl - Remus isn’t a girl.”
“Your observations are astonishing.”
“Padfoot, you are my best mate.”
“Thanks.”
“No, shut up and don’t talk for a minute.”
Sirius held up his hands in defeat and sniffled; the cold was making his nose runny.
“You’re my best mate, but Remus is Remus. So if you’re trying to screw with him, I will punch you right in the nose. If you’re not screwing with him, then just tell me what’s going on.”
“Why would I screw with Remus?”
“Because he’s - you know.”
“Because he’s ‘you know’? I don’t know what the bloody fuck ‘you know’ means. I’m cold and I’m getting tired so just tell me in plain English so we can move on.”
“Because he’s never had a girlfriend. ARG!” James rubbed his hands over his face. “Look, just because Remus has never had a girlfriend doesn’t mean he’s gay.”
“Wha-? I know that. I know. What are you trying to say?”
“The way you’re acting around Remus. Is it because you’re trying to figure out if he’s gay? Because you could simply ask.”
“No,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “I’m not trying to figure out if he’s gay.”
“Are you trying to figure out if you’re gay?”
“NO!” Sirius practically yelled. “I know I’m not. I fancy girls.”
“Then why d’you keep touching Moony? You used to always sit with me during lessons, but now - and then on the couch in the common room, when you overlapped your leg with his - Sirius. I’m not thick about everything. If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t notice, but you’re my best mate and you’re acting different.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. Remus and me are just better mates than we used to be. You spend half your time with Evans now and so I had to find someone to spend more of my time with. And we all know I can hardly stand Peter.”
James didn’t look entirely convinced. “If you were ... y’know ... if you decided you didn’t like girls ... or didn’t only like girls ... I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t even tell Lily, if you didn’t want me to.”
“Shut up, James. Please, just shut up. This conversation is getting tired and I my nose is going to get frostbite if we don’t go someplace where there’s heat.”
James nodded. “All right. Let’s go to Scrivenshaft’s.”
The conversation ended there, though Sirius had a feeling it was really far from over.
XXXXXXX
The next week was the full moon. The days leading up to it, Sirius was extra careful to keep his distance from Remus. As usual, the other boy didn’t seem to notice, which was beginning to drive Sirius mad. He knew he didn’t fancy boys, but maybe he fancied Remus, just a bit? It was confusing and bothersome. It had crept up on him. Ever since he was little, he liked girls. They were pretty and had long hair and were smaller. He never looked at boys - he never looked at men. He only looked at Remus.
The whole thing was rather ridiculous. He only hoped that when Remus turned into the werewolf tomorrow night that everything was normal. Sometimes if Remus was angry, the wolf appeared angry, or if Remus was in a particularly good mood, the wolf was less aggressive, more playful. Sirius needed a normal night as Padfoot.
“Hey, Sirius?”
Sirius opened his eyes. Remus stood next to his bed, the curtains parted slightly. He had on his pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt, but his jaw was tense, as though he was keeping his teeth from chattering.
“James and Peter are asleep,” he said, and as if on cue, James let out a giant roar of a snore.
“I thought you would be too - night before the moon and all.”
Remus shrugged. “I can’t sleep. Are you all right?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
Remus shrugged again. “You haven’t talked to me since you and James went to Hogsmeade.”
“I asked you to pass the pumpkin juice at breakfast.”
“Oh.”
Sirius moved all the way over, allowing more room on his bed. He reached under his pillow and grasped his wand, casting a Lumos charm. Remus sat down, his legs crossed, and Sirius saw two pairs of wool socks on his feet.
“You brought the book,” whispered Sirius, looking at the book in Remus’ hand.
“Yeah ... well, we haven’t read it since that second time in the common room.”
“I know. I was wondering what was going to happen next. Are you going to read?”
Remus held the book out to Sirius. “I’m too tired. You do it.”
Sirius took the book and stared at it. “I don’t ...”
“Please?”
Well, how could Sirius refuse a “please?” He sat up and flipped through the pages until he found where they had left off. Glancing up at Remus, he noticed the other boy was trying not to shiver. “Take a blanket, it’s bloody cold.” When Remus began to shake his head, Sirius opened up the blankets next to him and cleared his throat to read.
The words came out of his mouth as he read them, but he was hardly paying attention. He listened to the way the sheets rustled as Remus laid down in his bed, covering up with the blankets. Sirius continued to read until he reached the end of the chapter.
“D’you want me to keep going?”
“Mmm. You don’t have to,” mumbled Remus. “I’ll go back to my bed.”
Sirius didn’t say anything and Remus didn’t move.
“I hate transformations.”
“I know.”
Remus opened his eyes and looked up at Sirius for a brief moment before closing them again. “I’m scared of them.”
“Why?”
“Of what they do to me. How I haven’t any control over anything. I know you lot wouldn’t let anything bad happen and that you’ll watch out for me, but I’m terrified every time.”
“I know I didn’t help last year ... with Snivellus ...”
“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. Did you know Madam Pomfrey isn’t here? Her daughter had a baby last week so she went to see them for the holiday.”
“It’s all right. I’m sure Dumbledore-”
“Dumbledore has all the potions and salves set out. Everything shall be all right. It usually is.” Remus sighed. “I dunno why I’m so worried this time.”
“It’s all right.” Sirius had an impulse to brush the fringe away from Remus’ forehead. He reached out a shaky hand and did just that. Remus didn’t react and Sirius kept running his fingers through his hair. Then, a hand crept across his stomach; Remus was hugging Sirius around his middle. Finally, a reaction.
Sirius opened his bed curtains just enough to slip the book out and onto his bedside table. He scooted down in his bed until he was lying right next to Remus. With a hushed whisper of, “Nox!” Sirius put his wand back under his pillow. He had no idea where to put his hands. His fingers hesitated in the air, above Remus’ body.
“Here,” mumbled Remus. He took one of Sirius’ hands and placed it around him, pressing Sirius’ fingers into his back.
Sirius bit back a hysterical laugh and hugged Remus closer to him. The other boy’s head was very close to his and it wouldn’t take much movement to kiss his forehead. That might be a bit much, though. What if this was only a friendly hug? What if Remus was only here because he was scared about tomorrow’s full moon? What if the reactions he was giving Sirius didn’t mean anything?
A sigh escaped Sirius’ lips, his breath against Remus’ forehead. He the other boy shift next to him and one of Remus’ legs moved in between his knees. This certainly wasn’t a friendly hug, was it? God, Sirius hoped not. He moved his hand up Remus’ back and across his neck. Sirius closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep with his fingers tangled in soft, sandy-brown stands of hair.
XXXXXXX
End Part II
XXXXXXX
As always, links to all my fics (divided up by pairings) can be found here: Click Me
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for language)
Type: Multi-chap, completed, angst, romance
Summary:When Sirius’ miserable moods suggest that everything is going wrong,something starts to go right. A “how they got together” story.
Author’s Notes:Written because sometimes it's Remus who wants to always climb intoSirius' bed. Written in 4 parts. I will post a new part every coupledays until it’s complete.
Posting now because I don't know if I'll get a chance to post it later. And because I finished re-reading Part II and it's to my liking.
Back to The Sharing of Breath, Part I
XXXXXXX
Part II
XXXXXXX
“Whose bloody alarm is that?” yelled James. “It’s Saturday. Turn it off!”
Sirius listened to James curse, but refused to open his eyes. He was on his stomach, his cheek smooshed into his pillow. He knew if he lifted his head, his skin would be tattooed with an indentation from the seam of the pillowcase. As James’ grumbling continued, Sirius felt blindly through his bed curtains for his watch, which he had taken off before bed and placed on his bedside table. His fingers touched the cold metal circling the face of it and he grasped it and brought it back inside the curtains. Cracking an eye open, Sirius read the time. 7:16 AM.
“James,” Sirius mumbled, “shut up.”
Next came a crashing and breaking noise, as though something had been flung against a wall with a lot of force. The noise was loud and Sirius jumped, rather annoyed that James insisted on making such a bloody ruckus at so early an hour.
“Whuzzat?” a voice grumbled from the other side of Sirius.
Sirius jumped in surprise again and sat up. Remus was stirring next to him, no doubt waking up from all James’ noise, especially since he was normally such a light sleeper. The book he had been reading the night before was opened, but covering half of his face. The werewolf stretched and pushed the book away, blinking awake.
“Morning, Sirius - what’re you doing in my bed?”
“’S’not your bed,” yawned Sirius, keeping his voice low. “’S’mine.”
Remus sat up and looked around. “Oh ... what?” The expression on his face was one of confusion and he scratched his head, as though he might itch sense into the morning.
“You fell asleep when you were reading,” whispered Sirius. “James broke your alarm clock.”
“Why?”
“You still had it set and you weren’t there to turn it off.”
“Ah,” said Remus, “I thought I dreamt about it going off. Normally I’d wake up if a piece of parchment hit the floor. Moon is rather close, though, so that must be it.” He yawned and stretched again. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
“Did he go back to sleep?” asked Remus. “James, I mean?”
Sirius listened for the sounds of James’ snoring, but heard nothing except silence. He shook his head. “No, not yet.”
“Well, I best suck it up and sneak back to my own bed. I could use a couple more hours sleep.”
“What’ll you tell James if he sees you?”
Remus gave Sirius a quizzical look. “I figured on the truth.”
“No, you can’t do that. He’ll think it’s queer that I asked you to read to me.”
Remus’ puzzled look deepened. “James won’t care. I’m sure he does all kinds of things with Lily that you might think is strange.”
“Exactly!” snapped Sirius. “With Evans. You’re not my Evans, Moony. You’re my mate.”
“Oh. Ohh.” Remus sniggered. “Don’t be daft, Sirius. If it bothers you that much, read to yourself tonight instead.”
“But now I’m interested in that book,” said Sirius, motioning towards the book that had fallen on his pillow when Remus pushed it off his face.
Remus sighed. “I never know what you want …”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. It’s Saturday, though, and I expect James shall have something planned that’ll have us coming back to the dormitory at sunrise.”
“Or else he’s going to try to suck Evans’ face off some more.”
Remus shrugged. “Perhaps. But be optimistic. You might be too tired tonight to read anyhow. You could always work on Slughorn’s essay, since you’re still in NEWT Potions. Or, and this really is a rather brilliant idea, you could do your History of Magic homework and I could copy it off you this time.”
“You know that’s a stupid idea,” said Sirius. “I get confused between the goblin names and the giant names. You’d probably end up writing down about the Giant War of 1412 led by Hrothgar and the Goblin Rebellion of 1549 led by Filliban. Which I’m sure is entirely wrong ... and I bet you’re going to correct me now, aren’t you?”
“Everyone knows Filliban lived in the eighteenth century and not the sixteenth and he led the centaurs against the Ministry of Magic in Germany.”
Sirius shook his head in amazement. The way Remus’ brain expanded and held in every bit of information ever was truly astounding.
“And Hrothgar wasn’t a giant.”
“Who was he? A goblin? A troll? A Squib? For god’s sake, don’t hold out on me. Merlin knows that knowing who Hrothgar is is probably of utmost importance.”
“Mockery does not suit you, Sirius,” said Remus. “No, a Muggle in Muggle literature. You must’ve heard me talk about him ... though I don’t know why I would have, not to you anyway. I had a conversation with Lily about it once, however ... Hrothgar and Grendel and - never mind, I’ll simply put you to sleep if I keep talking. Though that’s another story you might like. It has dragons and monsters.”
“It’s not even seven-thirty in the morning yet, so I don’t care,” said Sirius. “’S’too early to care.” His ears perked up; James was beginning to snore again. “Why don’t you just shut up so we can go back to sleep? Too bloody early to be awake on a Saturday.”
Sirius watched Remus for a reaction. The boy stiffened and looked around at the bed and swallowed visibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he did so.
“Was that a snore? I think James’s asleep again.”
Sirius nodded and watched as Remus slipped between his bed curtains and disappeared out of sight. It was ridiculous to think that he had wanted Remus to stay and go back to sleep with him. When they woke up they were barely touching. Nothing had happened the night before. In the end, Sirius chalked it up to needing a best mate who didn’t have a girlfriend; a best mate who was always around. That was why he wanted Remus to stay. There was no other reason.
XXXXXXX
The four of them didn’t make it to breakfast until nearly ten o’clock. Almost everything had been eaten already. All the jam was gone so Sirius had to make a meal out of butter and toast instead. Remus sat beside him and it only just then occurred to Sirius that this wasn’t normal for them except for the past couple of weeks. Usually, Remus sat across from Sirius, next to Peter.
As Remus reached for the butter, his elbow knocked into Sirius’ arm. He didn’t apologize or even act as though it had happened. Sirius chewed slower, concentrating more on what Remus was doing beside him. Chewing and watching his best mate at the same time was a difficult feat and once Remus had returned the butter to its place on the table, Sirius began to chew at a normal pace again.
After breakfast they all walked back to the common room. Sirius took a small step sideways so he could bump into Remus. When he didn’t get a reaction, Sirius narrowed his eyes, even more confused than before. One would think that purposefully accidental touching would elicit some sort of response. Then Sirius wondered if Remus’ elbow knocking into him at breakfast was also an on-purpose accident or not.
Peter wanted to play Exploding Snap. Sirius and Remus didn’t want to play, but agreed to watch as Peter played with a couple of sixth-years. James played a game of cards with Lily near them; every few minutes he’d swear about Muggles having daft rules for their rubbish card games. Lily only smiled and continued to win every hand.
Sirius was glad when it was time for lunch; he could only watch Exploding Snap for so many hours, even though it was nice to watch the cards explode in Peter’s face. When they sat the Gryffindor table, Sirius felt Remus’ hip next to his. Was Remus sitting closer to him … or was he sitting closer to Remus? Who had initially sat down? Or had they sat at the exact same time? And was it a battle of wills to see who would move over to give the other room first?
What if Remus’ lack of response was because he had no idea anything was going on? What if everything was in Sirius’ head?
They ate with relative normalcy and after lunch Remus headed to the library to work on an essay and James had a Saturday afternoon Quidditch practice. With nothing else to do, Sirius decided to go down to the pitch to watch. He went back to Gryffindor Tower to collect his coat. Remus was gathering up his books and a small stack of parchment when Sirius entered.
“What’re you off to study?” asked Sirius.
“Ancient Runes. Lily’s going to study for Astronomy and asked if I wanted to share a table.”
“Better watch out or James’ll get jealous.”
Remus smiled and shook his head. “No, I rather doubt that. He’ll be at Quidditch anyway. Is that where you’re going?”
“Yeah.”
“You should add socks to that pile in your hands.”
Sirius looked down. He had his Muggle-style coat, scar, gloves, and a hat that covered his ears gripped in his hands.
“How’d you know I wasn’t wearing socks?”
“You never do. But if you want your feet to freeze … I need to get to the library. I want to have this finished before tonight. James said he wanted to go to Hosgmeade.”
“Yeah, he needs to replenish his stash of sweets.”
“I was under the impression he wanted to get a drink at the Hog’s Head.”
“Nothing gets past you, does it?”
“I don’t really want to be around when Lily finds out.”
“She won’t.”
“Doesn’t she always?”
Sirius paused. “... Yeah.”
“I need to get to the library. I’ll see you.”
Sirius put on his coat and buttoned it up. He looked at the hat in his hands and tossed it on his bed. His ears would just have to get cold; the hat would severely mess up his long hair.
XXXXXXX
Lily announced she was spending the evening with her girl friends up in the sixth-year girls’ dormitory, which was perfect because now James and Sirius could sneak to Hogsmeade without Lily trying to stop them. James invited Peter to go with them and they made their way to Honeydukes. James was disappointed that neither Peter nor Sirius was interested in drinking at the Hog’s Head so they just looked around the sweet shop for the goodies they wanted to take back to Gryffindor. Sirius left a small mountain of wizard coins next to the register as they nicked armfuls of sweets.
Back in the dormitory, Remus held out his hand as they all entered, his eyes slowly scanning his book from left to right.
Sirius dumped his sweets on his bed and rummaged through them, looking for Honeydukes Special Anniversary Dark that he always brought back for Remus whenever he opted not to go to Hogsmeade with them. He placed the large chocolate bar in Remus’ outstretched hand, accidentally (and not purposefully accidental, either) touching his skin. Remus’ fingers curled around the chocolate and he said, “Thanks.”
“Mmm,” mumbled Sirius. “Is that the book we were reading last night?”
“No.”
“What is it?”
Remus glanced over the top of his book at Sirius, who was standing a meter or so away, fingers slowly opening a Chocolate Frog.
“Muggle Studies.”
“Ah.”
Remus ran his tongue across his teeth as he went back to reading. “If you’re going to watch me read, you could pull up a chair.”
Sirius’ frog jumped out of his hand and splattered on the floor. “Fuck!” he cried.
“It’s just a frog,” said James from across the room, pulling his sweatshirt over his head and tossing it in the corner. “You’ve been acting really bizarre all day. Stop it.”
“I don’t think Sirius’ peculiarities have an off-switch, James,” said Remus jokingly.
“Sod off,” snapped Sirius. “The both of you.” He snatched the book Remus read aloud the night before off the bedside table and stomped down to the common room.
It was barely nine o’clock, so the common room was filled with students, mostly the lower-years. Several fourth-year boys were gathered in a corner, listening to one of their classmates tell a story. By the way they all had fascinated looks on their faces, Sirius surmised that the boy in the center had probably just coped his first feel and the other boys were listening to the tale. It had been like that when he was a fourth-year; Peter, James, and Remus all sat on his bed and listened to him talk about the way Margaret Temple’s breasts felt like under his hands.
“You think touching them over the uniform shirts is nice? Try just skin. It’s bloody amazing!” he’d said. James had groaned in envy, Peter had looked in complete awe, and Remus had merely raised his eyebrows and shrugged, as if to say, “Well, what else did you really expect?” Remus often gave him much the same look nowadays.
Sirius sat down on the sofa in front of the fireplace. A small boy sat on the other end, scratching away on a piece of parchment with a silver quill. There was far too much noise in the common room to read and since it was Saturday, chances of the room being vacated early were slim. Still, Sirius opened the book and turned the pages with such force, he was surprised he hadn’t ripped them away from the spine. He had no idea where Remus had left off the night before.
“Hey, Padfoot?”
Sirius looked up. Remus stood before him, hand held out.
“I already gave you your stupid chocolate.”
“I want the book.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw the small boy looking at them from the end of the sofa.
“What’re you looking at?”
The boy shook his head. “Nothing.”
“So stop staring at me!”
“Be nice, Sirius,” said Remus. To the boy he said, “Sorry, Sirius forgot to take his Sanity Draught this morning so he’s been a bit crazy all day.”
“Right,” said the boy. “I’ll just go ... to bed ...” He rolled his parchment and took off towards the boys’ dormitory stairs.
“You scared him,” said Remus, sitting down on the middle cushion, but still a very safe distance away from Sirius.
“Who cares? You can’t have your book. I’m reading it. You already know what happens.”
“I told you last night I can’t stop reading in the middle of a book. I’ve started it, therefore I need to finish it.”
Sirius frowned. “Sometimes you act like you got that - what was it we learned about in Muggle Studies? - obsessive compulsive thing.”
“I’m not obsessive compulsive. Perhaps about my books and schoolwork, but those things are important. Just give me the book and I’ll finish it again in a few days and I’ll give it back to you. Or I can just read it out loud again, but it’s rather noisy in here so it’d have to wait for later.”
Sirius’ frown deepened.
“Though, I think it best that we read down here. I don’t want to wake up in your - like this morning.”
“Right.”
“Are you okay? James was right. You’ve been acting strange all day.”
“I’m fine ... I’m going to shower ... unless James is hogging all the hot water?”
Remus shook his head. “No, he left. Didn’t you see the portrait hole opening on its own? He went to nick some apple tart from the kitchens. I guess the sweets you got from Honeydukes isn’t sustaining his need to eat more crap.”
Sirius almost laughed. It wasn’t often Remus used words like “crap” and when he did, it was usually rather funny, but Sirius wasn’t in the mood for laughter tonight.
“Well, I’m going to shower, then. Maybe when I’m done the common room will be empty and all these snot-nosed brats will be in bed.”
“You were a snot-nosed brat once.”
“And I hate myself every day for it.”
Sirius turned and dashed up the stairs to go take a shower, even though he didn’t feel very dirty. At least, not physically.
XXXXXXX
The last week of classes before any break were always a bit of a joke. No one paid much attention and even the professors seemed to be anxious to leave and get home to their families for Christmas. Not all the professors left. McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Slughorn always stayed behind. Kettleburn had fifteen grandchildren that he went to visit every year and the Astronomy professor, Peterson, spent her holidays in Italy, having a mad love affair with an Italian man several years her junior. Everyone knew about the affair, especially since on the weekends she was most often nowhere to be found. Astronomy was a particular bore that last week and on the last day, Professor Peterson had a sign up on the classroom door: CANCELED.
The whole idea of classes being canceled was brilliant and just meant that the holiday started two hours sooner. Sirius pulled the knot of his tie down and unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. He untucked his shirttail and stretched, his fingers reaching towards the ceiling.
“Ah, no classes for three and a half weeks. The idea of an extended Christmas holiday is brilliant.”
“I don’t know,” said Peter as they walked back towards their common room. “I don’t think my mum’s going to send me any presents. She’s rather hacked off that I insisted on staying here.”
“Didn’t you explain to her?” asked James. “This is important. Our last Christmas together!”
“You act as though we’re never going to see one another once we leave school,” said Remus. “That can’t possibly be true. True, I’ll be living with my parents again, but I’ve got my Apparition license - and so do you two.” He nodded towards James and Sirius.
“It was only an earlobe,” whimpered Peter. “I was so close to getting it this last time, too. If only my stupid earlobe had stayed in tact.”
Sirius snorted. “Just be glad it was your earlobe and not something more vital.” He slung his arm around Remus’ shoulder. “And you’re right. We’re going to see loads of each other. I’m going to pop in every day and eat some of your mum’s apple tart. James likes the tart from the kitchens, but nothing beats out Moony’s mum’s pies. I could drool over Moony’s mum’s pies.”
“The apple tarts here really hits the spot, if you know what I mean. And I’ll be busy, though,” said James, “with Auror training. It starts next September and I hear it’s brutal.”
“I’ll be busy not working,” said Sirius, “thanks to my dear uncle who left me enough Galleons to never work again. What’re you gon’ do, Moony?”
“Get a job, I suppose.”
“Doing what?”
He shrugged and Sirius had to drop his arm from his shoulder as Remus jumped over the vanishing step on the staircase that led up to the tower. “Probably in a Muggle shop somewhere. There’s no way they can find out about me.”
“They wouldn’t believe it anyway,” said James. “My dad said most Muggles are right thick about magic. They’d prefer to think they’re going mad than admit that something magical is going on.”
“Like the vanishing rosebushes,” laughed Sirius.
“That wasn’t amusing,” said Remus, though his tone suggested he wasn’t entire serious. “Your poor neighbors, James. Running off to buy more and more rosebushes every day because Sirius kept shrinking them. Bless them, the unfortunate Muggles, having you lot live in the house next door.”
“They thought we were the mad ones,” said James. “What - with all the owls always sitting on our roof. My dad had a party once and the RSVP messages came back - a hundred in an hour.”
“Magique baguette,” said Peter, and the portrait swung open.
They climbed through and into the deserted common room; all the other students must still be in lessons. Sirius dropped his satchel full of books and parchment and plopped himself down on the sofa. Remus sat down next to him, on the middle cushion and stretched both his arms, resting them on the back of the sofa. If Sirius leaned his head back, his hair would brush against Remus’ forearm.
“I need to go to Hogsmeade again,” said James, sprawling out on the floor. “I still haven’t got Lily a Christmas present.”
“You should probably do that,” said Sirius. “I think it’s important to buy one’s girlfriend something for Christmas. A suggestion, if I may? Nothing from Zonko’s.”
“Shut up,” said James. “I’m not an idiot.”
“Hmmm,” said Sirius. “I wouldn’t have guessed.” He shifted, crossing his leg in such a way that his knee just barely hovered over Remus’ thigh. If he moved his leg ever so slightly, he would be touching him.
“Why don’t you come with me, Sirius?”
“Er ... all right. Is this going to be a Marauder expedition?”
“No,” said James rather quickly. “I mean - I’ve already got your present, but not Peter’s or Remus’ ...”
Sirius narrowed his eyes at James, but consented to going to Hogsmeade anyway.
“Lily said she needed new stationery,” commented Remus. “She told me while we were studying last weekend - why are you giving me that look?”
“You were studying with my girlfriend?” demanded James.
“Oh, come off it. She’s not interested in me. We shared a table at the library. I hear girls think it’s nice sometimes to be around a boy who doesn’t want their tongues in their mouths.”
“You could have told me.”
“That we studied? Jealousy looks rotten on you, James. Stop it.”
James frowned.
“He’s right,” said Peter. “It’s not as though Lily’s gonna be interested in Remus.”
“Why not?” asked Sirius, immediately realizing how angry he sounded.
“Er ... because he’s Remus. That’s all. No offense, Moony, but it’s not like you got a girl - or ever had one.”
Remus flinched. “That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Doesn’t it?” said Peter. “I thought ... never mind.”
“I’m not a eunuch, you know. If I’m going to date, it’ll be someone who knows about my condition already. It’s not a secret that can come out at Hogwarts; I could get expelled. Not everyone is as opened minded as Lily - and before you say anything, James, I told Lily already about it and she took it very well. That’s all I meant.”
Sirius listened to Remus and felt awful. Here he was, able to get any girl he wanted, and Remus couldn’t because of a bit of lycanthropy. It didn’t seem fair. Sirius lowered his knee onto Remus’ thigh.
James nodded. “I know, Lily told me. I knew she wouldn’t care.”
“Not all girls are like that,” said Remus. “It doesn’t matter, but, Peter, really, don’t talk unless you know what you’re saying.”
Peter blushed and nodded. “Sorry.”
“Let’s get to Hogsmeade now so we can get back in time for dinner,” said James.
“Sure,” said Sirius. He put both feet on the floor and right before he stood up, he was sure he felt fingers touch the back of his neck.
XXXXXXX
They snuck through Honeydukes and made their way out onto the streets of Hogsmeade. There was day-old snow on the ground that their feet sunk into as they walked. The sky was clear, although already getting a bit dark. Branches brushed together as the wind pushed them and Sirius wished that, for once, he’d listened to Remus about putting on socks.
“Goddamn, it’s cold out-”
“What’s going on with you?” asked James, stopping in the middle of the street.
“What d’you mean?” Sirius slowed his walk until he stopped, a few feet away from James. He shivered as the wind picked up speed and combed through his hair.
“You. You’re being - well, you’re being weird.”
“Thanks for clearing things up,” snapped Sirius. “If this is about my rotten moods, Remus already tore me a new one about them.”
“That’s just it!” cried James. “Remus.”
“You’re making even less sense now. Let’s just get to Scrivenshaft’s - there’s probably heat in there.”
James didn’t move. “Sirius.”
“James.”
“Sirius.”
“James.”
James threw his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know how I’m s’posed to say this!”
“Just say it! You’re supposed to be able to say anything to me, right? So fucking out with it or else I’m going back to school.”
“What’s going on with you and Remus?”
“Me and Remus?”
“No,” said James. “You with Remus, I mean. Remus seems to be acting rather normal. You on the other hand. Are not.”
Sirius felt the color drain from his face. He wasn’t sure exactly what was going on with him, but he hoped it wasn’t noticeable. So if James - whose attention span was worse than his - picked up on it, then what if Remus ...? Sirius felt nauseated at the thought.
“I dunno what you mean.”
James groaned. “Yes you do! How can you not know? You look at him all the time. You stand really, really close when you talk. I’ve seen you do the same thing to girls before. But Remus isn’t. I mean, a girl - Remus isn’t a girl.”
“Your observations are astonishing.”
“Padfoot, you are my best mate.”
“Thanks.”
“No, shut up and don’t talk for a minute.”
Sirius held up his hands in defeat and sniffled; the cold was making his nose runny.
“You’re my best mate, but Remus is Remus. So if you’re trying to screw with him, I will punch you right in the nose. If you’re not screwing with him, then just tell me what’s going on.”
“Why would I screw with Remus?”
“Because he’s - you know.”
“Because he’s ‘you know’? I don’t know what the bloody fuck ‘you know’ means. I’m cold and I’m getting tired so just tell me in plain English so we can move on.”
“Because he’s never had a girlfriend. ARG!” James rubbed his hands over his face. “Look, just because Remus has never had a girlfriend doesn’t mean he’s gay.”
“Wha-? I know that. I know. What are you trying to say?”
“The way you’re acting around Remus. Is it because you’re trying to figure out if he’s gay? Because you could simply ask.”
“No,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “I’m not trying to figure out if he’s gay.”
“Are you trying to figure out if you’re gay?”
“NO!” Sirius practically yelled. “I know I’m not. I fancy girls.”
“Then why d’you keep touching Moony? You used to always sit with me during lessons, but now - and then on the couch in the common room, when you overlapped your leg with his - Sirius. I’m not thick about everything. If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t notice, but you’re my best mate and you’re acting different.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. Remus and me are just better mates than we used to be. You spend half your time with Evans now and so I had to find someone to spend more of my time with. And we all know I can hardly stand Peter.”
James didn’t look entirely convinced. “If you were ... y’know ... if you decided you didn’t like girls ... or didn’t only like girls ... I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t even tell Lily, if you didn’t want me to.”
“Shut up, James. Please, just shut up. This conversation is getting tired and I my nose is going to get frostbite if we don’t go someplace where there’s heat.”
James nodded. “All right. Let’s go to Scrivenshaft’s.”
The conversation ended there, though Sirius had a feeling it was really far from over.
XXXXXXX
The next week was the full moon. The days leading up to it, Sirius was extra careful to keep his distance from Remus. As usual, the other boy didn’t seem to notice, which was beginning to drive Sirius mad. He knew he didn’t fancy boys, but maybe he fancied Remus, just a bit? It was confusing and bothersome. It had crept up on him. Ever since he was little, he liked girls. They were pretty and had long hair and were smaller. He never looked at boys - he never looked at men. He only looked at Remus.
The whole thing was rather ridiculous. He only hoped that when Remus turned into the werewolf tomorrow night that everything was normal. Sometimes if Remus was angry, the wolf appeared angry, or if Remus was in a particularly good mood, the wolf was less aggressive, more playful. Sirius needed a normal night as Padfoot.
“Hey, Sirius?”
Sirius opened his eyes. Remus stood next to his bed, the curtains parted slightly. He had on his pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt, but his jaw was tense, as though he was keeping his teeth from chattering.
“James and Peter are asleep,” he said, and as if on cue, James let out a giant roar of a snore.
“I thought you would be too - night before the moon and all.”
Remus shrugged. “I can’t sleep. Are you all right?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
Remus shrugged again. “You haven’t talked to me since you and James went to Hogsmeade.”
“I asked you to pass the pumpkin juice at breakfast.”
“Oh.”
Sirius moved all the way over, allowing more room on his bed. He reached under his pillow and grasped his wand, casting a Lumos charm. Remus sat down, his legs crossed, and Sirius saw two pairs of wool socks on his feet.
“You brought the book,” whispered Sirius, looking at the book in Remus’ hand.
“Yeah ... well, we haven’t read it since that second time in the common room.”
“I know. I was wondering what was going to happen next. Are you going to read?”
Remus held the book out to Sirius. “I’m too tired. You do it.”
Sirius took the book and stared at it. “I don’t ...”
“Please?”
Well, how could Sirius refuse a “please?” He sat up and flipped through the pages until he found where they had left off. Glancing up at Remus, he noticed the other boy was trying not to shiver. “Take a blanket, it’s bloody cold.” When Remus began to shake his head, Sirius opened up the blankets next to him and cleared his throat to read.
The words came out of his mouth as he read them, but he was hardly paying attention. He listened to the way the sheets rustled as Remus laid down in his bed, covering up with the blankets. Sirius continued to read until he reached the end of the chapter.
“D’you want me to keep going?”
“Mmm. You don’t have to,” mumbled Remus. “I’ll go back to my bed.”
Sirius didn’t say anything and Remus didn’t move.
“I hate transformations.”
“I know.”
Remus opened his eyes and looked up at Sirius for a brief moment before closing them again. “I’m scared of them.”
“Why?”
“Of what they do to me. How I haven’t any control over anything. I know you lot wouldn’t let anything bad happen and that you’ll watch out for me, but I’m terrified every time.”
“I know I didn’t help last year ... with Snivellus ...”
“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. Did you know Madam Pomfrey isn’t here? Her daughter had a baby last week so she went to see them for the holiday.”
“It’s all right. I’m sure Dumbledore-”
“Dumbledore has all the potions and salves set out. Everything shall be all right. It usually is.” Remus sighed. “I dunno why I’m so worried this time.”
“It’s all right.” Sirius had an impulse to brush the fringe away from Remus’ forehead. He reached out a shaky hand and did just that. Remus didn’t react and Sirius kept running his fingers through his hair. Then, a hand crept across his stomach; Remus was hugging Sirius around his middle. Finally, a reaction.
Sirius opened his bed curtains just enough to slip the book out and onto his bedside table. He scooted down in his bed until he was lying right next to Remus. With a hushed whisper of, “Nox!” Sirius put his wand back under his pillow. He had no idea where to put his hands. His fingers hesitated in the air, above Remus’ body.
“Here,” mumbled Remus. He took one of Sirius’ hands and placed it around him, pressing Sirius’ fingers into his back.
Sirius bit back a hysterical laugh and hugged Remus closer to him. The other boy’s head was very close to his and it wouldn’t take much movement to kiss his forehead. That might be a bit much, though. What if this was only a friendly hug? What if Remus was only here because he was scared about tomorrow’s full moon? What if the reactions he was giving Sirius didn’t mean anything?
A sigh escaped Sirius’ lips, his breath against Remus’ forehead. He the other boy shift next to him and one of Remus’ legs moved in between his knees. This certainly wasn’t a friendly hug, was it? God, Sirius hoped not. He moved his hand up Remus’ back and across his neck. Sirius closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep with his fingers tangled in soft, sandy-brown stands of hair.
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End Part II
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As always, links to all my fics (divided up by pairings) can be found here: Click Me