The Problem with Personals.
I believe that the internet is among the most phenomenal social tools there is. You find somewhere easier to meet people of a like mind and similar interests. Yeah, you can't tell off the bat if they have a weird twitch, BO, or that one leg is substantially shorter than the other, but it's a very good tool for meeting people. Meeting people off the internet doesn't, and never has, scared me, and I feel that online dating personal sites can be an effective way to meet people.
Today a friend of mine wanted me to review some personals ads he had seen and give him my opinion of them.
That being said, what the fuck is wrong with all these fucking personals?
"I like staying inside, but I also like going out a lot. I'm very introverted and quiet, but I love to laugh and hate being serious. I eat mostly organic vegan bullshit, but I still enjoy greasy chinese food that will inevitably clog my arteries and make me die from obesity. I like watching TV, but sometimes just sitting around and reading can be fun. I love being happy, but being this fucking boring makes me want to kill myself."
Congrat-u-fucking-lations. Because you just wasted your time typing, my time reading, and this website's bandwith to write an entire fucking paragraph about how uninteresting you are. Really. That's what you just said. You said, "There's absolutely nothing fucking special about my interests, but I'll say I'm constantly intrigued by both ends of the spectrum because then it makes me seem like I'm a lot cooler. Maybe no one will notice that I don't like doing anything other than what normal people like to do!"
I get it. You're average. You know what, though? Most people are average -- welcome to the definition! It's very difficult to find someone that's substantially unaverage on a dating site, because most of the really cool, really interesting, really stand-out people are taken. And if they're not taken, they're finding people either offline or quickly online. But don't make your entire personals ad filled with new and exciting ways to tell me you're average.
Tell me about some aspirations.
Write a paragraph about how you've never left the state because you're the mayor of Fuckingboreyourselftodeathville, but you'd really like to resign your position and cross that arbitrary 4-inch thick painted line on a highway within the next year. Inform me that you want to be able to tell what kind of flower was there based off the smell of the manure it grew in. Let me know that before you die, you want a headset that will let you watch TV in your sleep so you never have to miss another Will and Grace marathon.
Other things I saw today:
"I'm looking for a guy who listens and accepts me for who I am!"
Really? You want a guy that listens? I'm looking for a guy who stares at my tits and can't remember what I said 10 minutes ago, but that's only if I'm saying something from the heart. He can at least pretend to listen to me if I'm making shit up, because I'd really appreciate it if he hates everything about me and makes me change every aspect of my personality to appease his unreasonable expectations. But I guess that's just me. No, actually, if that were true, it would be just me. Because everyone already knows that you want a guy that listens.
Also, thanks for discriminating against deaf people, you heartless bitch.
Don't get me fucking started on the blowjobs and pancakes.
/end rant
Today a friend of mine wanted me to review some personals ads he had seen and give him my opinion of them.
That being said, what the fuck is wrong with all these fucking personals?
"I like staying inside, but I also like going out a lot. I'm very introverted and quiet, but I love to laugh and hate being serious. I eat mostly organic vegan bullshit, but I still enjoy greasy chinese food that will inevitably clog my arteries and make me die from obesity. I like watching TV, but sometimes just sitting around and reading can be fun. I love being happy, but being this fucking boring makes me want to kill myself."
Congrat-u-fucking-lations. Because you just wasted your time typing, my time reading, and this website's bandwith to write an entire fucking paragraph about how uninteresting you are. Really. That's what you just said. You said, "There's absolutely nothing fucking special about my interests, but I'll say I'm constantly intrigued by both ends of the spectrum because then it makes me seem like I'm a lot cooler. Maybe no one will notice that I don't like doing anything other than what normal people like to do!"
I get it. You're average. You know what, though? Most people are average -- welcome to the definition! It's very difficult to find someone that's substantially unaverage on a dating site, because most of the really cool, really interesting, really stand-out people are taken. And if they're not taken, they're finding people either offline or quickly online. But don't make your entire personals ad filled with new and exciting ways to tell me you're average.
Tell me about some aspirations.
Write a paragraph about how you've never left the state because you're the mayor of Fuckingboreyourselftodeathville, but you'd really like to resign your position and cross that arbitrary 4-inch thick painted line on a highway within the next year. Inform me that you want to be able to tell what kind of flower was there based off the smell of the manure it grew in. Let me know that before you die, you want a headset that will let you watch TV in your sleep so you never have to miss another Will and Grace marathon.
Other things I saw today:
"I'm looking for a guy who listens and accepts me for who I am!"
Really? You want a guy that listens? I'm looking for a guy who stares at my tits and can't remember what I said 10 minutes ago, but that's only if I'm saying something from the heart. He can at least pretend to listen to me if I'm making shit up, because I'd really appreciate it if he hates everything about me and makes me change every aspect of my personality to appease his unreasonable expectations. But I guess that's just me. No, actually, if that were true, it would be just me. Because everyone already knows that you want a guy that listens.
Also, thanks for discriminating against deaf people, you heartless bitch.
Don't get me fucking started on the blowjobs and pancakes.
/end rant