Fuck this god damn simulation
So Brandon died last week. I'm pretty sure I wrote about him (maybe extensively?) on here, before. Actually, hold up, I'll find a link to a post on him.
Here's a doozy... Eugh, that's a little embarrassing. Oh well, it's not like he's around for me to feel embarrassed about my reactions to him now anyways, right? Fuck, that's depressing as hell.
I'm tired of reading about how I felt in the past. It's depressing, since
#1: my writing in general usually has a pessimistic tinge/outlook on situations.
#2: I don't remember so much of what I've written about - the entries are really the only evidence I have that I ever felt a certain way/did certain things.
#3: I was more successful, and more optimistic in the past, as weird as that sounds. I was doing things that actually mattered. And having new relationships, and growing as a person (even though I never really noticed that that was happening). Now, I don't even know what day of the week it is without checking a calendar. (I didn't even remember what the year was until I double checked...)
Whatever. I miss Brandon. He died because he had some issues with his diabetes, and no one else was around to help him with it. I'm not really 100% on the details. I just know it really fucking sucks. I know/remember a surprisingly large amount about our time together; he was a good friend, I think. And we both loved sex haha. He had a huge dick, and I enjoyed bottoming for him. And he had a great ass, so I loved topping him too. And he was really pretty understanding & patient with my closeted ass haha.
I was just looking at some of my old posts, since I was trying to find the ones with Brandon in them, and found this. In particular, this list of things I wanted to do:
1) Ride my motorcycle
2) Drive my car ✔️
3) Smoke a cigarette ✔️
4) Get a job/make money ✔️
5) Move to garage apartment ✔️
6) Move to Las Vegas 🚫
7) Have a gin and tonic ✔️
8) Be in a relationship ✔️
9) Spend my money on whatever I want ✔️
I went through & checked off the things I've done, and things that I no longer want to do. I guess I could remove #6, since I don't really want to move to Las Vegas anymore. And #7, I could do, but I don't really want to, anymore. Actually, I might have done it already. I don't fucking know. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of only focusing on the shitty parts of life. I miss Brandon so fucking much. It sucks. I guess I'm gonna get a shower & then stream some of my gaming shenanigans. I need to make some custom emotes, but meh, it's tough to build up any sort of actual motivation to do anything.
I just took a shower to try to think if I had anything else I could think of to write. But I got nothing. Just straight cried for the last hour or so. I miss Brandon Tolson. I don't even feel like playing any games, or streaming. I just want to sleep. For a long fucking time. I used to love sleeping because I loved getting the dreams & stuff. But now I don't remember my dreams, so that satisfaction is gone.