I can't do anything right :-(
So I was reading an article about Aaron Swartz and it made me think about my suicide attempt, and how I still try to show off a semi-carefree/worry-free attitude, despite kinda wanting to not be here all the time. That reminded me of some recent fuckups I've made, but since my memory is so shitty, I figured I guess I should write them down.
I taught my second manual transmission driving lesson the other day, and I fucked up. Long story short, I had the guy (a kid, really; 19 years old) meet me at the Dairy Queen down the street, for some reason. I should have done the lesson the same way I did with the other guy - I picked him up close to where he lived, then drove & talked to my planned training area. Anyways, I met him at the local Dairy Queen, then trained him for a few hours in the high school parking lot. I had planned on going back to the DQ for lunch, or something, but the guy was being kind of pushy about wanting to learn, so I just kept on training him, instead of taking a break. Long story short, at the end of the lesson (~3:30pm), we go back to the DQ lot, and his car had been towed. I felt like shit about it, but didn't offer any money to him, since I really need this training money (for car maintenance/mods, and a lawyer for that speeding ticket). Whatever. Just another fuck up on my part, whee.
Also in fuckup land is my career choice. I never wanted to work at Home Depot. It was just the first offer that came up, and, being the lazy sap that I am, I took it. Now, since I'm making just enough money to be "too much." I might lose out on my disability payments, which means the job will be the only income I have. The shitty, boring, uneventful, how-the-fuck-am-I-an-adult-with-this-kind-of-life, job. I started working deliveries, which I think I touched on in my last post. It's slightly better than just regular freight, but still pretty shitty. But I now need this money and want to make more, since I have a car payment, and a shitload of car upgrades that I'd like to do. Also had to pay for a lawyer for that speeding ticket, since I'd really like to actually drive for a job.
I actually found a few jobs I might actually like, but I don't fucking know. It's so fucking difficult to actually be productive enough to break out of this rut. It's easy being miserable when it's predictable misery. Add to that the challenge of actually learning anything, and who knows if I'll ever leave Home Depot. I'll probably end up being a loser freight/deliveries associate for another 5 years at least. Just like I was somewhat miserable in my actual job at Colonial Downs, but too lazy/unmotivated to do anything about it.
I'm already tired of writing and being productive, so I guess I'm pretty much done for the night. I might send some money back to that kid; I feel pretty shitty about the whole situation. I'm not the best teacher - I feel like I forget to go over important concepts, and pretty much just throw the trainees into the water. So he kind of deserves some money back just for that. Still, it's kind of shitty that I don't make more from what he pays, considering the program I'm signed up for doesn't really do anything except provide the booking. I guess they supposedly provide insurance, but I figure I'd just use my own insurance if we were in an accident or something. Especially since the trainee is not technically supposed to be allowed on the main road.
What-fucking-ever. Eugh. What a loser.
I taught my second manual transmission driving lesson the other day, and I fucked up. Long story short, I had the guy (a kid, really; 19 years old) meet me at the Dairy Queen down the street, for some reason. I should have done the lesson the same way I did with the other guy - I picked him up close to where he lived, then drove & talked to my planned training area. Anyways, I met him at the local Dairy Queen, then trained him for a few hours in the high school parking lot. I had planned on going back to the DQ for lunch, or something, but the guy was being kind of pushy about wanting to learn, so I just kept on training him, instead of taking a break. Long story short, at the end of the lesson (~3:30pm), we go back to the DQ lot, and his car had been towed. I felt like shit about it, but didn't offer any money to him, since I really need this training money (for car maintenance/mods, and a lawyer for that speeding ticket). Whatever. Just another fuck up on my part, whee.
Also in fuckup land is my career choice. I never wanted to work at Home Depot. It was just the first offer that came up, and, being the lazy sap that I am, I took it. Now, since I'm making just enough money to be "too much." I might lose out on my disability payments, which means the job will be the only income I have. The shitty, boring, uneventful, how-the-fuck-am-I-an-adult-with-this-kind-of-life, job. I started working deliveries, which I think I touched on in my last post. It's slightly better than just regular freight, but still pretty shitty. But I now need this money and want to make more, since I have a car payment, and a shitload of car upgrades that I'd like to do. Also had to pay for a lawyer for that speeding ticket, since I'd really like to actually drive for a job.
I actually found a few jobs I might actually like, but I don't fucking know. It's so fucking difficult to actually be productive enough to break out of this rut. It's easy being miserable when it's predictable misery. Add to that the challenge of actually learning anything, and who knows if I'll ever leave Home Depot. I'll probably end up being a loser freight/deliveries associate for another 5 years at least. Just like I was somewhat miserable in my actual job at Colonial Downs, but too lazy/unmotivated to do anything about it.
I'm already tired of writing and being productive, so I guess I'm pretty much done for the night. I might send some money back to that kid; I feel pretty shitty about the whole situation. I'm not the best teacher - I feel like I forget to go over important concepts, and pretty much just throw the trainees into the water. So he kind of deserves some money back just for that. Still, it's kind of shitty that I don't make more from what he pays, considering the program I'm signed up for doesn't really do anything except provide the booking. I guess they supposedly provide insurance, but I figure I'd just use my own insurance if we were in an accident or something. Especially since the trainee is not technically supposed to be allowed on the main road.
What-fucking-ever. Eugh. What a loser.