Results tomorrow...
So I get my neuropsychological test results tomorrow. I'm kind of excited, but I'm kind of nervous too. It's really odd. My thoughts are conflicting. I'd like to be just diagnosed as "Clinically Depressed" but on the other hand, I want to be diagnosed as something more, like Bipolar Type-2, or Borderline Personality Disorder, or something else that isn't as common as clinical depression. I always like to feel significant and "special" and this case isn't any different from anything else. I mean I was in a psychiatric hospital! Eugh, I don't believe how much my thoughts are fighting each other on this. Clinical depression has a 50% chance of being a once in a lifetime deal, which would be awesome - when I heard that I might be Bipolar before, I think I cried, because it's a lifetime episode. But more and more I think about it - I need to be significant!!!!! I can't have just some "common" mental illness.
Let me see what I've missed over the last couple days though. I'm back at school, which is great in some ways, not so great in other ways. I suppose I'll point out the things I miss first: I miss Lizz a lot - it's surprising how much I miss her. I guess we're still on that break thing. Her facebook and myspace have her posted as "Single"; that makes me a little jealous, but I guess I was the one who said the stuff in the first place. Bleh, I guess I didn't really realize I was initializing a "break" until I talked to Ronni about it later. I just thought that we were backing off a little bit, but we were still together. January 24th would be our first month anniversary, but I guess it really won't be... That sucks. Anyways, I also miss my dog Annie a lot. I wish she was up here with me. She cheers me up so much and makes me so less depressed. I haven't really been that depressed lately. I mean, I haven't cried in a while, even though for some reason I'm kind of crying now, and I haven't had any of those intense suicidal thoughts that I used to have. I did cut myself a couple nights ago. It was the first I had cut in a while, and it was after I had taken my drugs for the night. The reasoning behind it wasn't any emotional release or anything; it's really quite a geeky and stupid answer to cutting this time.
I had just gotten "Hellsing", an anime about vampires that I really like, and just watching all that got me excited about drinking blood. I just wish I was a vampire so much. It's a stupid idea, and a stupid, naive way of looking at the world, but in some sense, I do believe in vampires, and I would give anything to be one. To have some sort of significant power, to live forever, to be far superior to the average person - I would give absolutely anything to be a vampire. But anyways, after watching the show twice, I just had this craving for the taste of blood, even though I knew it was an irrational thought. So I made a bit of a cut, and just sucked the blood out of it. I still enjoy the taste, even though I try to tell myself that it's not that special and there shouldn't be any reason that I should like it. But anyways, I'm trying to hold myself off from cutting in the future.
Things I don't miss are mainly my parents and being at home. I just feel so constricted when I'm at home, and I like to be slightly social, which I don't really do at home. So it's a nice change.
I think my Ativan and my Lunesta just hit, and I've had a 40 of Shlitz malt liquor. So all of a sudden I feel really tired. I'll try to update information about the classes I've had so far tomorrow.
Let me see what I've missed over the last couple days though. I'm back at school, which is great in some ways, not so great in other ways. I suppose I'll point out the things I miss first: I miss Lizz a lot - it's surprising how much I miss her. I guess we're still on that break thing. Her facebook and myspace have her posted as "Single"; that makes me a little jealous, but I guess I was the one who said the stuff in the first place. Bleh, I guess I didn't really realize I was initializing a "break" until I talked to Ronni about it later. I just thought that we were backing off a little bit, but we were still together. January 24th would be our first month anniversary, but I guess it really won't be... That sucks. Anyways, I also miss my dog Annie a lot. I wish she was up here with me. She cheers me up so much and makes me so less depressed. I haven't really been that depressed lately. I mean, I haven't cried in a while, even though for some reason I'm kind of crying now, and I haven't had any of those intense suicidal thoughts that I used to have. I did cut myself a couple nights ago. It was the first I had cut in a while, and it was after I had taken my drugs for the night. The reasoning behind it wasn't any emotional release or anything; it's really quite a geeky and stupid answer to cutting this time.
I had just gotten "Hellsing", an anime about vampires that I really like, and just watching all that got me excited about drinking blood. I just wish I was a vampire so much. It's a stupid idea, and a stupid, naive way of looking at the world, but in some sense, I do believe in vampires, and I would give anything to be one. To have some sort of significant power, to live forever, to be far superior to the average person - I would give absolutely anything to be a vampire. But anyways, after watching the show twice, I just had this craving for the taste of blood, even though I knew it was an irrational thought. So I made a bit of a cut, and just sucked the blood out of it. I still enjoy the taste, even though I try to tell myself that it's not that special and there shouldn't be any reason that I should like it. But anyways, I'm trying to hold myself off from cutting in the future.
Things I don't miss are mainly my parents and being at home. I just feel so constricted when I'm at home, and I like to be slightly social, which I don't really do at home. So it's a nice change.
I think my Ativan and my Lunesta just hit, and I've had a 40 of Shlitz malt liquor. So all of a sudden I feel really tired. I'll try to update information about the classes I've had so far tomorrow.