(no subject)
Sl'avsa ot'echestvo n'ashe svob'odnoye
Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot
P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya
Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot
...Sorry, that just HAD to be said.
Well, I'm bored again, and you know what that means:
RANT TIME!
So what else gets on my nerves like white on rice?
Spam. Sure we all hate it for filling up our mailboxes, but why not analyze why spam exists at all? Did you ever get horny by seeing a text ad offering "HOTTTTT SEXXXXY TEENZZZ?" Are you stupid enough to ever seriously consider slinging your banking information at someone just because they offered you a low interest loan through an ad that they sent to thousands of people via email? Did you really think for a second that you REALLY WON a vacation? What kind of idiot writes this crap? What kind of idiot FALLS for this crap? Through the years I've received thousands of unsolicited advertisements online. I have YET to see one that looked like something I would seriously consider. Yet SOMEONE has to fall for this crap or else spammers would give up. I say, "Forget the spammers. Blame the people STUPID ENOUGH TO BUY WHAT THE SPAMMERS ARE SELLING!" That's right, blame the spam-ees. It's their fault that spammers even bother.
People with horrific feet who wear sandals and open toed shoes. Wear sandals because you have cute feet, not because the parasitic twins that you call feet need air to live. And ladies...Your Nail Polish doesn't make up for the curly black hair on the tops of your feet. HOBBIT FEET = NOT SEXY.
People who brag about ANYTHING on IRC. It's IRC, and I'm a ninja billionaire, secret partner to Bill Gates and I have Lamborghinis in 14 different colors...Which is REALLY CONSISTENT with the personality type of someone who would sit on a stupid network for 8 hours a day asking, "ASL PLZ?"
People who talk tough on IRC. "You wanna fight me? I mean, I only live 1200 miles away. C'mon, put your money where your mouth is." ...at this point they either try to take the high road and say I'm not worth their time or they start talking in ebonics.
People who read halfway through my last rant, the whole time laughing their asses off, then see one thing that offends them and think, "THAT DICK! HOW COULD HE MAKE FUN OF SOMETHING THAT APPLIES DIRECTLY TO ME?" How? Because you're stupid like everyone else. Keep reading and get over it, you hypocritic. "Other people's pain is funny."
Spike Lee. Here's a guy who is really pissed off about the injustices that blacks have experienced in American history - particularly slavery. I completely agree that slavery and discrimination are unjustified atrocities. But here we have a gifted director who uses his talents and skills and even his persona as "Mars Blackman" to write, direct, and star in television commercials for NIKE and hence, helps PROMOTE SLAVERY in several Third World countries including Indonesia, Vietnam, Korea, and Guam. Call it cheap labor, call it sweat shops, or call it what it really is: SLAVERY. I guess he's cool with slavery as long as it's not him and as long as they pay him enough to advocate it. "Is it the SHOES?" Nope. Just the Double Standard.
Those OBNOXIOUS shows where they watch two people go out on a date and remark on every little faux pas and silverware clink. OF COURSE they're going to act perfectly natural with a LLAMA (don't ask) FILM CREW across the table. How sadistic is this crap? GEE, isn't it HILARIOUS when someone looking for affection STRIKES OUT? Let's insert humiliating captions and make him look as stupid as possible. "HA HA HA! Look at him get only the polite handshake goodnight. That's gotta hurt! HA HA HA!" Finally they found something EVEN MORE PETTY than Joan Rivers remarking on how someone's dress was "GAG."
"Reality" shows like Survivor. You want a real survivor drama? Drop the contestants off in Antarctica with nothing but a G-string, a pointy stick and a soggy book of matches.
The "Nigga" Double Standard
Black guy: Yo, nigga - what's up?
White guy: How can you use such a degrading term casually?
Black guy: No no - it's just a casual addressing term like "buddy."
White guy: Oh - ok. Thanks for explaining it to me. Talk to ya later, nigga.
Black guy: Hey! Watch it, asshole!
BBW
Do I hate fat people? No. Do I have even the slightest sexual attraction to fat people? No. Ok - I know dieting isn't easy. I know that some of you girls really struggle with your weight and whatever, but this recent trend of calling yourselves "BBW" (Big Beautiful Women) screams denial in big screamy loud screaming type voices. I'm not talking about "full-bodied" people...I'm talking about people who are 5'5", 300 lbs, and have no knees. Fat is sexy? I realize that FULL-BODIED people were sexy back in YE OLDE days because it showed that people were wealthy enough to maintain a HEALTHY weight, but since when was just plain FAT sexy? Since you decided? Since you said so? And you think that "having an attitude" and "carrying yourself well" suddenly reverses what guys see? You say you "Have a booty?" No. Pirates have booty. You have a BIG FAT ASS. You're trying to tell me how a "Real Woman" is supposed to look? Yeah, nice Tree-trunk ankles, there, Sasquatch. Since when did you start calling fat girls "healthy?" Oh, sure. A shortened lifespan, reduced energy, stressed joints, respiratory and cardiovascular problems, stretch marks, diabetes, low self esteem and a desire/guilt fixation with food are great indicators of HEALTH. I'm sure you feel really healthy when you get to the top of a flight of stairs and have to rest a few seconds because you're completely out of breath and lightheaded. Fat advocates like to debate that, "All those pictures of women like Salma Hayek or Halle Berry give girls bad self images and can cause eating disorders." The eating disorder that seems to seriously affect far more Americans than anorexia or bulimia is "TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN of the WRONG STUFF." Surely advertisers don't use thin women in ads because they look beautiful and healthy and sexy. They just want to give girls bad self images. Girls should be happy and secure in their bodies. Even if their body is the product of a total lack of exercise and a steady diet of Big Macs and Doritos. Have you ever met a thin girl with muscle tone who wished she was fat? One girl I know said "I don't get fat, I get THICK." Look in the thesaurus. See, thick means...hmmm...Oh! Here it is! FAT! Thick also means DUMB. The fact that you try to give it a positive connotation by saying it with attitude, like you turned into a big jiggly behemoth on purpose, is DENIAL-LICIOUS. And ladies...in regards to spandex: NOOOOO. It's not for you. Spandex is made to be FORM fitting. You do not have FORM. You have shapeless jelly. I know that physical beauty is a shallow thing, but I'll demonstrate my point by looking at the male equivalent. If I lose my hair, the simple FACT of the matter is, I WILL BE significantly less attractive to most women. Period. It might not be "fair" and there's not much I can do about it, but hey, life not fair and no amount of strutting and acting like I'm God's shiny-headed gift to women is going to get me a date. Don't describe yourself as "busty" if your large breasts are in scale with the rest of your big, flaccid body. Don't refer to yourself as "curvy" if all your curves are convex. The Michelin Man is ultra-curvy, but nobody will ever want him sexually. Curves are muscular, not jelly-like. When you have a curve made of fat, it's called a ROLL, not a curve. A woman's back should make an "S" curve, not a stack of "3"-shaped curves. A human body is supposed to look like muscles supported by a skeleton, not bags of shapeless goo hanging and stretching under their own weight. You claim to have an hourglass figure. If your boobs are huge because you're fat, and your ass is huge because you're fat, the fact that the middle is slightly less fat doesn't mean you have an hourglass figure. Jessica Alba has an hourglass figure. Alyssa Milano has an hourglass figure. Shakira has an hourglass figure. Delta Burke, Queen Latifa, Rosie O'Donnel, Star Jones and Oprah are FAT. I once heard a girl say she's not out of shape, because ROUND is a shape. I don't think denial can get much deeper than that. "Guys shouldn't care about my appearance. Guys should care about who I am inside." Oh, yeah. We see what you are inside. We see that you don't care about yourself enough to feel like you're worth the effort to get in shape. We see that plain as day. Do you think guys want to date a girl who's mired in denial and self loathing? We see a lot more than you're giving us credit for. We also see that calling yourself "Big and Beautiful" is a FRONT. Sure, attitude counts a bit, but while you're over there having an attitude and trying to put a positive spin on something that you're too lazy to change, I'll be chasing after petite girls who are built like gymnasts. It's a personal preference. You say that 80% of American women are overweight? Are YOU sexually attracted to MOST PEOPLE? Neither am I. If I say that I don't like girls with three teeth, should I have to explain myself? Are eye-patch wearing pirate girls everywhere angry and screaming, "YARRRRR!!!" at my "Two Eyes" requirement? Fine. So don't get sour because I don't find you attractive.
Doctors, blind to the world's increasing overpopulation, who keep trying to figure out ways for people to have decatuplets, for infertile couples to have babies, for men to be able to have babies, for women to be able to have babies without sperm, etc. We have TOO MANY PEOPLE NOW! Why don't they spend some more time on developing safe, easy methods of birth control and inexhaustible food supplies, since they are also trying to be able to keep people alive over 100 years? The number of people living right now is greater than the number of dead people who lived in the entire span of human history. That should NEVER happen to ANY species. You want to make MORE, and keep them around LONGER? Before this century, menopause in humans was uncommon, since we were not evolved to live that long. Cloning? Wow - that's just what we need. A way to regenerate the rich. That's all the world needs - 100 Ross Perots or Donald Trumps or George W. Bushes, one right after the other.
People who used to watch "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and then come to work the next day and think they're clever when they say, "Is That Your Final Answer?" as I scowl and reply, "No, I would NOT like to supersize it." Actually, let me retract the qualifier. Anyone who watches any gameshow. The next person who says "You Are The Weakest Link. Good-bye" in my presence is going to have their intestines pulled out with a plastic picnic spork.
Madonna.
MTV: Your new album has a different sort of sound.
Madonna: I worked with William Orbit on this album. I like the new sound. We call it "Electronica."
I nearly destroyed my TV. People have been making electronic music since there has been recording equipment. Now Madonna is going to come in and crown herself an innovator and originator of a sound called "Electronica." Just stick to what you do best, and shake your 40-something year old implants for the camera. Nice fake english accent too. Did you acquire that from growing up in Detroit? And I have one thing to say to all the people who say, "She's not a really good singer, but I love her because she keeps reinventing herself and has such amazing stage presence." You're going to cause me to build a hydrogen bomb and blow up you, me, and everything in a 20 mile radius. Don't make me do it. Please, please don't make me do it.
People who dress their 6 month old baby in Tommy Hilfiger, Fubu, and Timberlands.
The fact that EVERY war movie that's been released since "Saving Private Ryan" uses that same shaky chaos-cam effect. Let's dart the camera in really fast, then jiggle it while the big explosion shoots dirt everywhere! Then let's show some guy shooting a gun and put the camera 6 inches from his face and then jostle the camera around really fast so his face barely stays in the frame. Don't forget to use a strobed shutter effect to make everything look impossibly crisp and fast-moving. What made Private Ryan original and revolutionary is what makes your movie trite and hackneyed.
People who try to defend the quality of a crappy band or movie with the retort, "Well - they made a million dollars. How much have you made? You're just jealous." FACT: "Ice Ice Baby" made Vanilla Ice 17.3 million dollars in royalties in one year. Do I really need to elaborate further? Artistic value is not Monetary Value.
People who think Turn Signals are only to be used when they're being extra polite or when there is a cop behind them.
People who make sloppy mouth noises all the time. I'm not trying to sound like Mr. Manners or anything, but is a piece of gum really THAT entertaining? Do you really get THAT much more enjoyment from it by making cracking sounds after every three chews? I'm glad I have really big headphones. I remember when I was working at Uptech, I imagined that this guy in Taco Bell would have sounded like a wooden spoon stirring a talking pot of Macaroni and Cheese if I didn't have them. There was this guy in the Bar Victoria today with a mint or lifesaver or whatever. "Hey, dog-boy, it's a tiny freaking mint! Do you REALLY have to make it sound like you're sucking applesauce in and out of your mouth with a toilet plunger? Is it truly making you produce so much saliva that you need to open your mouth to breathe so you don't drown?" Too bad. Just drown, retard.
E! Great...An entire channel devoted to Celebrity Worship and almost showing tits.
People who use "Their, There, and They're" and "You're and Your" and "Too and To" and "Then and Than" as though they are interchangeable, and then try to defend themselves with "I always just do it like that. You think I need an English Teacher?" No. I think you need some self esteem. Don't you care that you look like you're illiterate? I would. Also, "A LOT" is TWO LLAMA (again, don't ask) WORDS. Lots of these morons just avoid the "your/you're" thing by just typing "UR" for either purpose. No...That doesn't look retarded or ANYTHING. If you're going to do that, why not say "thair" for any of the "their/they're/there" trio? It couldn't look any dumber than "UR."
The shallow pool of creative thought in the American media. Has the well completely run dry? All you can do now is make sequels and movies based on old tv shows? How many 007 movies can you possibly make? How many Star Trek series? How many Superman spin-offs? Charlie's Angels, The Grinch, Planet of the Apes, Star Wars Prequels, The Saint, Spiderman the Movie, Batman, Lord of the Rings, Movies based on video games, A million Dracula movies and shows... It goes on and on. In pop music it's getting hard to find songs that AREN'T remakes. Am I the only guy who vomited when Madonna did "American Pie" or when that collaboration of whores did that remake of "Lady Marmalade?"
Morons who get gold and platinum teeth. Ahh...another way for trendy morons to spend large amounts of money on something they won't want down the road. At least you could take bellbottoms off and give them to the Salvation Army. Let's face it, at 22 you think you look like a "player." People look at a 45 year old with metal teeth and think, "Hmm - He must really like taffy a lot more than flossing." But Congratulations! Your six dollar face now has a million dollar smile.
People who do impersonations of Dana Carvey doing impersonations. Personally I can't remember George Bush ever saying, "Wouldn't be prudent," so where's the comedy?
Hard rock bands who have a DJ scratching violently on turntables in the video when all you can hear is the usual Guitar, Bass, and Drums. POSERS. Why not have him playing a Jew's Harp or a Slide Whistle... maybe an Accordion or a Digeridu? It's not like he's actually making any sound in the recording, so what's the difference? And am I the only one who's noticed that Linkin Park is like a boyband clone of Limp Bisquick?
Rappers who take a 70's or 80's hit, mute the vocal track, rap over it, and have a fat woman sing the original chorus from the song. I'm not one to rant about how things influence youth in a bad way- but when laziness and lack of creativity of this magnitude gets rewarded and admired it makes me want to vomit. I remember Negativland getting sued by U2 for using a sample creatively. Kinda makes me ill when talentless, narcissistic people like Puff Daddy can make millions and be perceived by so many young people as creative genii.
The ignored truths of the September 11th attacks and the mess that followed.
1.) On September 10th George W. Bush was a mildly retarded hillbilly who stole the presidency by having his brother's help in rigging the election in Florida, and suddenly on September 11th he's transformed into America's pillar of strength and wisdom? You think he's a genius for going to war against Afghanistan? He did EXACTLY what any president would have done. That doesn't make him a brilliant man. When you have an entire nation screaming for war, it doesn't take a nuclear physicist to think that maybe it's the appropriate response. Besides- he's a warmonger anyway. Before Sept. 11th he was doing everything he possibly could to piss China off. There was no way he was going to let 4 years go by without getting into a war with SOMEbody.
2.) You think the new Afghan Regime hates us less?
3.) The Idiotic American Commercialism. Thanks to some misdirected greedy bastards, we get to remember one of the most tragic events in our nation's history with a T-shirt-Of-The-Week. It makes me feel so proud to wear a t-shirt that gives the worst loss of American life on American soil since the Civil War the same solemn respect that we gave "U Can't Touch This," "Where's the Beef?" "Eat My Shorts Man," and the ever-popular "I'm With Stupid------->."
4.) Before the disaster, the NYPD was trying to save its ass after officers shot at an unarmed civilian forty one times, an officer ran over a pregnant mother and her two kids while drunk driving through a red light on the way to work his shift, and others violently sodomized an immigrant with a toilet plunger handle and turned his guts to hamburger meat. Then some of them die while actually doing the job they were hired to do, and suddenly they're the pinnacle of decency and bravery, to be revered by all humans on earth forever, until the end of time, amen. When I bring this point up, I always get "Just leave them alone - they've gone through enough. So many of them died." The NYPD as an organization suffered, but the individuals who committed these atrocities are all still alive and STILL FREE. Maybe we should build a new building and blow it up so we have some rubble to bury THEM in.
5) The illusion of safety. "I sure feel better now that when I go to my job, they check my ID when I come in the lobby. That way, when the jumbo jet comes hurtling through the building, I know that all the people who get slaughtered are legitimate employees!"
6) Before Sept. 11th, a guy who let an old lady cut in line in the grocery was "A Nice Guy." Now he's a "HERO!"
7) The blind acceptance of the surveillance police state. After the attacks, congress started legislation (USA Patriot Act H. R. 3162) to ease restrictions on police surveillance and allow them to do things like tap phone lines and confiscate computers and business records without court orders to do so. Fourth Amendment be damned! These aren't changes that are going to GO AWAY once Osama is in our clutches. These are new gaps in our freedom that cops are going to be able to use to invade our privacy and bust us for whatever they feel like making illegal...WITHOUT a warrant. Today they use the term "Terrorist." Tomorrow they could use a term like "Radical," or "Subversive." No doubt some of those ancient, out of touch, upper-class white senators consider a pot dealer or ham radio operator an "Enemy of the State." George W. Bush said that the reason we were attacked was because we are envied by countries that don't enjoy the same freedoms as us. He's doing everything he can to FIX it though. Once we lose those pesky freedoms, they'll have nothing left to envy. "Civil rights? Sure! Take them away! Just keep us safe from the bad, bad terrorists!" The USA Patriot Act... You're patriotic... when we can WATCH YOU.
8) The way the media lumps the US attacking Iraq as just another part of the absurd "War On Terror," despite the fact that Iraq had ABSO-LLAMA-LUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH 9/11, and Hussein and Bin Laden hate each other's guts.
People in line at McDonalds who seriously can't decide what they want. How long have you been coming to McDonalds? How many radical menu changes have occurred since your last visit? Have you still not noticed that most everything on the menu tastes about the same, plus or minus toppings? You couldn't have been reading the menu while you were waiting in line? People like that should be sacrificed by some primitive tribe in South America to the volcano god.
"Do you have Mountain Dew?"
"We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, and Iced Tea."
"No Mountain Dew? Hmmm...Do you have Dr. Pepper?"
"We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, and Iced Tea."
"Grape Soda?"
"No."
"Ginger Ale?"
"No."
"Hmmmm. What sodas do you have again?"
"We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, Iced Tea and MURDER! MURDER!!! MURDER!!!!!."
"Diet Sprite?"
*3 minutes and 8 stupid soda requests later*
"I want a Quarter Pounder...and uhhhhhhh a Medium Fries...and uhhhhhhh a 6 piece McNuggets...and uhhhhhhh a Medium Coke...and uhhhhhh actually make that a Large Coke and uhhhhhh..... a Big Mac........"
"That will be $17.75."
(Counting a big pile of loose, wrinkled one dollar bills and assorted coins) "Uhhhhhhhh...and can I get one of those pies?"
"$18.58."
"Do you still have that McRib sandwich?"
"No Ma'am."
"Are you sure? That was good."
"We just have what's up on the board."
"Ok, but I was hoping to get one of those. Maybe I should talk to the manager."
"I am the manager. They only do the McRib as a special thing ocassionally." (Manager is 18 years old)
"Ok...(Looks up at the menu board for a long time as if it's all new. Still scanning for McRib.) And uhhhhhh...If I get a combo, can I exchange my drink for another thing of french fries? Ok...uhhhh - change that to a combo and give me double fries...uhhhhhh and...uhhhhh can I get a Quarter Pounder with Cheese? What do you want, baby?" (4 year old Child continues picking his nose and points at the picture of a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese) "No, no, baby. You're not getting that. What do you want?" (Child continues picking his nose and points at the picture of an ice cream cone) "C'mon baby, that's dessert. You want a burger?" (Child buries his face in his mother's hip and she continues to try to coax him to make his own decision about what to eat) "Ok, just give me a Happy Meal."
"$22.49."
(Still shuffling through a big pile of bills) "Ummmmmmmmm...How much will if it be if I add a medium shake?"
"$23.37."
"Ohh! I forgot to tell you I had a coupon for that value meal."
At this point, enough time has elapsed that I have constructed a crude flame thrower out of the ketchup bin, a napkin dispenser and the plastic head of the Ronald McDonald statue from the play area and I torch the place. Screaming ensues, though the child continues picking his nose. The fries are still soggy.
Anyone who's success in the music business hinges on the fact that they look really good. "What do you mean you don't like __________? Don't you think she's pretty?" (Insert Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, Beyonce. Mariah Carey, Jewel, Mya, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, etc. as necessary.) Since when did someone's musicianship revolve around how hot they look? If you're one of those saps who says "I love her because she has such stage presence," then congratulations. You've been duped, Sucker. In this post-MTV era, artists' appearances are the most important, and marketable aspect in popular music. There's no way of knowing how many brilliant musicians we've missed out on, because major music labels now give ability a back seat to looking sexy. How much further would Hip-Hop have progressed if having strong content carried more weight than projecting a 'hard' image? Why has Techno always been on the back burner? No lead singer. It's about the music, stupid.
People who use the phrase "Not all policemen are bad." Ahh. How reassuring. Not all the chambers of the gun pointed at your temple have bullets in them.
That's enough for now...I have to get ready to go to the club tonight. Some of the things I've said may not apply to you. Some of the things I've said may offend you. But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing: I probably don't care. Shoutouts include:
Marisa - Hey, babe, I can't wait to see you again! I love you and I've been prepping my lower back for your kidney-squisher - I mean hugs! =P ¡Te quiero, cariñosa!
Brittany - Hey, I hope things are running smoothly in your life. Maybe we can see a Michael Buble' concert when I get back...I have my ways...I love you!
Rachel - Hey, dear! Well, I'm glad I'm getting to know you (again) and I really hope we become close friends! Haha, remember, we can always just walk around and tell each other our life stories! By the way, your dress is gorgeous! I know you'll have a great time at HomeComing!
Take care, everyone.
God bless you all.
See you soon.
Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot
P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya
Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot
...Sorry, that just HAD to be said.
Well, I'm bored again, and you know what that means:
RANT TIME!
So what else gets on my nerves like white on rice?
Spam. Sure we all hate it for filling up our mailboxes, but why not analyze why spam exists at all? Did you ever get horny by seeing a text ad offering "HOTTTTT SEXXXXY TEENZZZ?" Are you stupid enough to ever seriously consider slinging your banking information at someone just because they offered you a low interest loan through an ad that they sent to thousands of people via email? Did you really think for a second that you REALLY WON a vacation? What kind of idiot writes this crap? What kind of idiot FALLS for this crap? Through the years I've received thousands of unsolicited advertisements online. I have YET to see one that looked like something I would seriously consider. Yet SOMEONE has to fall for this crap or else spammers would give up. I say, "Forget the spammers. Blame the people STUPID ENOUGH TO BUY WHAT THE SPAMMERS ARE SELLING!" That's right, blame the spam-ees. It's their fault that spammers even bother.
People with horrific feet who wear sandals and open toed shoes. Wear sandals because you have cute feet, not because the parasitic twins that you call feet need air to live. And ladies...Your Nail Polish doesn't make up for the curly black hair on the tops of your feet. HOBBIT FEET = NOT SEXY.
People who brag about ANYTHING on IRC. It's IRC, and I'm a ninja billionaire, secret partner to Bill Gates and I have Lamborghinis in 14 different colors...Which is REALLY CONSISTENT with the personality type of someone who would sit on a stupid network for 8 hours a day asking, "ASL PLZ?"
People who talk tough on IRC. "You wanna fight me? I mean, I only live 1200 miles away. C'mon, put your money where your mouth is." ...at this point they either try to take the high road and say I'm not worth their time or they start talking in ebonics.
People who read halfway through my last rant, the whole time laughing their asses off, then see one thing that offends them and think, "THAT DICK! HOW COULD HE MAKE FUN OF SOMETHING THAT APPLIES DIRECTLY TO ME?" How? Because you're stupid like everyone else. Keep reading and get over it, you hypocritic. "Other people's pain is funny."
Spike Lee. Here's a guy who is really pissed off about the injustices that blacks have experienced in American history - particularly slavery. I completely agree that slavery and discrimination are unjustified atrocities. But here we have a gifted director who uses his talents and skills and even his persona as "Mars Blackman" to write, direct, and star in television commercials for NIKE and hence, helps PROMOTE SLAVERY in several Third World countries including Indonesia, Vietnam, Korea, and Guam. Call it cheap labor, call it sweat shops, or call it what it really is: SLAVERY. I guess he's cool with slavery as long as it's not him and as long as they pay him enough to advocate it. "Is it the SHOES?" Nope. Just the Double Standard.
Those OBNOXIOUS shows where they watch two people go out on a date and remark on every little faux pas and silverware clink. OF COURSE they're going to act perfectly natural with a LLAMA (don't ask) FILM CREW across the table. How sadistic is this crap? GEE, isn't it HILARIOUS when someone looking for affection STRIKES OUT? Let's insert humiliating captions and make him look as stupid as possible. "HA HA HA! Look at him get only the polite handshake goodnight. That's gotta hurt! HA HA HA!" Finally they found something EVEN MORE PETTY than Joan Rivers remarking on how someone's dress was "GAG."
"Reality" shows like Survivor. You want a real survivor drama? Drop the contestants off in Antarctica with nothing but a G-string, a pointy stick and a soggy book of matches.
The "Nigga" Double Standard
Black guy: Yo, nigga - what's up?
White guy: How can you use such a degrading term casually?
Black guy: No no - it's just a casual addressing term like "buddy."
White guy: Oh - ok. Thanks for explaining it to me. Talk to ya later, nigga.
Black guy: Hey! Watch it, asshole!
BBW
Do I hate fat people? No. Do I have even the slightest sexual attraction to fat people? No. Ok - I know dieting isn't easy. I know that some of you girls really struggle with your weight and whatever, but this recent trend of calling yourselves "BBW" (Big Beautiful Women) screams denial in big screamy loud screaming type voices. I'm not talking about "full-bodied" people...I'm talking about people who are 5'5", 300 lbs, and have no knees. Fat is sexy? I realize that FULL-BODIED people were sexy back in YE OLDE days because it showed that people were wealthy enough to maintain a HEALTHY weight, but since when was just plain FAT sexy? Since you decided? Since you said so? And you think that "having an attitude" and "carrying yourself well" suddenly reverses what guys see? You say you "Have a booty?" No. Pirates have booty. You have a BIG FAT ASS. You're trying to tell me how a "Real Woman" is supposed to look? Yeah, nice Tree-trunk ankles, there, Sasquatch. Since when did you start calling fat girls "healthy?" Oh, sure. A shortened lifespan, reduced energy, stressed joints, respiratory and cardiovascular problems, stretch marks, diabetes, low self esteem and a desire/guilt fixation with food are great indicators of HEALTH. I'm sure you feel really healthy when you get to the top of a flight of stairs and have to rest a few seconds because you're completely out of breath and lightheaded. Fat advocates like to debate that, "All those pictures of women like Salma Hayek or Halle Berry give girls bad self images and can cause eating disorders." The eating disorder that seems to seriously affect far more Americans than anorexia or bulimia is "TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN of the WRONG STUFF." Surely advertisers don't use thin women in ads because they look beautiful and healthy and sexy. They just want to give girls bad self images. Girls should be happy and secure in their bodies. Even if their body is the product of a total lack of exercise and a steady diet of Big Macs and Doritos. Have you ever met a thin girl with muscle tone who wished she was fat? One girl I know said "I don't get fat, I get THICK." Look in the thesaurus. See, thick means...hmmm...Oh! Here it is! FAT! Thick also means DUMB. The fact that you try to give it a positive connotation by saying it with attitude, like you turned into a big jiggly behemoth on purpose, is DENIAL-LICIOUS. And ladies...in regards to spandex: NOOOOO. It's not for you. Spandex is made to be FORM fitting. You do not have FORM. You have shapeless jelly. I know that physical beauty is a shallow thing, but I'll demonstrate my point by looking at the male equivalent. If I lose my hair, the simple FACT of the matter is, I WILL BE significantly less attractive to most women. Period. It might not be "fair" and there's not much I can do about it, but hey, life not fair and no amount of strutting and acting like I'm God's shiny-headed gift to women is going to get me a date. Don't describe yourself as "busty" if your large breasts are in scale with the rest of your big, flaccid body. Don't refer to yourself as "curvy" if all your curves are convex. The Michelin Man is ultra-curvy, but nobody will ever want him sexually. Curves are muscular, not jelly-like. When you have a curve made of fat, it's called a ROLL, not a curve. A woman's back should make an "S" curve, not a stack of "3"-shaped curves. A human body is supposed to look like muscles supported by a skeleton, not bags of shapeless goo hanging and stretching under their own weight. You claim to have an hourglass figure. If your boobs are huge because you're fat, and your ass is huge because you're fat, the fact that the middle is slightly less fat doesn't mean you have an hourglass figure. Jessica Alba has an hourglass figure. Alyssa Milano has an hourglass figure. Shakira has an hourglass figure. Delta Burke, Queen Latifa, Rosie O'Donnel, Star Jones and Oprah are FAT. I once heard a girl say she's not out of shape, because ROUND is a shape. I don't think denial can get much deeper than that. "Guys shouldn't care about my appearance. Guys should care about who I am inside." Oh, yeah. We see what you are inside. We see that you don't care about yourself enough to feel like you're worth the effort to get in shape. We see that plain as day. Do you think guys want to date a girl who's mired in denial and self loathing? We see a lot more than you're giving us credit for. We also see that calling yourself "Big and Beautiful" is a FRONT. Sure, attitude counts a bit, but while you're over there having an attitude and trying to put a positive spin on something that you're too lazy to change, I'll be chasing after petite girls who are built like gymnasts. It's a personal preference. You say that 80% of American women are overweight? Are YOU sexually attracted to MOST PEOPLE? Neither am I. If I say that I don't like girls with three teeth, should I have to explain myself? Are eye-patch wearing pirate girls everywhere angry and screaming, "YARRRRR!!!" at my "Two Eyes" requirement? Fine. So don't get sour because I don't find you attractive.
Doctors, blind to the world's increasing overpopulation, who keep trying to figure out ways for people to have decatuplets, for infertile couples to have babies, for men to be able to have babies, for women to be able to have babies without sperm, etc. We have TOO MANY PEOPLE NOW! Why don't they spend some more time on developing safe, easy methods of birth control and inexhaustible food supplies, since they are also trying to be able to keep people alive over 100 years? The number of people living right now is greater than the number of dead people who lived in the entire span of human history. That should NEVER happen to ANY species. You want to make MORE, and keep them around LONGER? Before this century, menopause in humans was uncommon, since we were not evolved to live that long. Cloning? Wow - that's just what we need. A way to regenerate the rich. That's all the world needs - 100 Ross Perots or Donald Trumps or George W. Bushes, one right after the other.
People who used to watch "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and then come to work the next day and think they're clever when they say, "Is That Your Final Answer?" as I scowl and reply, "No, I would NOT like to supersize it." Actually, let me retract the qualifier. Anyone who watches any gameshow. The next person who says "You Are The Weakest Link. Good-bye" in my presence is going to have their intestines pulled out with a plastic picnic spork.
Madonna.
MTV: Your new album has a different sort of sound.
Madonna: I worked with William Orbit on this album. I like the new sound. We call it "Electronica."
I nearly destroyed my TV. People have been making electronic music since there has been recording equipment. Now Madonna is going to come in and crown herself an innovator and originator of a sound called "Electronica." Just stick to what you do best, and shake your 40-something year old implants for the camera. Nice fake english accent too. Did you acquire that from growing up in Detroit? And I have one thing to say to all the people who say, "She's not a really good singer, but I love her because she keeps reinventing herself and has such amazing stage presence." You're going to cause me to build a hydrogen bomb and blow up you, me, and everything in a 20 mile radius. Don't make me do it. Please, please don't make me do it.
People who dress their 6 month old baby in Tommy Hilfiger, Fubu, and Timberlands.
The fact that EVERY war movie that's been released since "Saving Private Ryan" uses that same shaky chaos-cam effect. Let's dart the camera in really fast, then jiggle it while the big explosion shoots dirt everywhere! Then let's show some guy shooting a gun and put the camera 6 inches from his face and then jostle the camera around really fast so his face barely stays in the frame. Don't forget to use a strobed shutter effect to make everything look impossibly crisp and fast-moving. What made Private Ryan original and revolutionary is what makes your movie trite and hackneyed.
People who try to defend the quality of a crappy band or movie with the retort, "Well - they made a million dollars. How much have you made? You're just jealous." FACT: "Ice Ice Baby" made Vanilla Ice 17.3 million dollars in royalties in one year. Do I really need to elaborate further? Artistic value is not Monetary Value.
People who think Turn Signals are only to be used when they're being extra polite or when there is a cop behind them.
People who make sloppy mouth noises all the time. I'm not trying to sound like Mr. Manners or anything, but is a piece of gum really THAT entertaining? Do you really get THAT much more enjoyment from it by making cracking sounds after every three chews? I'm glad I have really big headphones. I remember when I was working at Uptech, I imagined that this guy in Taco Bell would have sounded like a wooden spoon stirring a talking pot of Macaroni and Cheese if I didn't have them. There was this guy in the Bar Victoria today with a mint or lifesaver or whatever. "Hey, dog-boy, it's a tiny freaking mint! Do you REALLY have to make it sound like you're sucking applesauce in and out of your mouth with a toilet plunger? Is it truly making you produce so much saliva that you need to open your mouth to breathe so you don't drown?" Too bad. Just drown, retard.
E! Great...An entire channel devoted to Celebrity Worship and almost showing tits.
People who use "Their, There, and They're" and "You're and Your" and "Too and To" and "Then and Than" as though they are interchangeable, and then try to defend themselves with "I always just do it like that. You think I need an English Teacher?" No. I think you need some self esteem. Don't you care that you look like you're illiterate? I would. Also, "A LOT" is TWO LLAMA (again, don't ask) WORDS. Lots of these morons just avoid the "your/you're" thing by just typing "UR" for either purpose. No...That doesn't look retarded or ANYTHING. If you're going to do that, why not say "thair" for any of the "their/they're/there" trio? It couldn't look any dumber than "UR."
The shallow pool of creative thought in the American media. Has the well completely run dry? All you can do now is make sequels and movies based on old tv shows? How many 007 movies can you possibly make? How many Star Trek series? How many Superman spin-offs? Charlie's Angels, The Grinch, Planet of the Apes, Star Wars Prequels, The Saint, Spiderman the Movie, Batman, Lord of the Rings, Movies based on video games, A million Dracula movies and shows... It goes on and on. In pop music it's getting hard to find songs that AREN'T remakes. Am I the only guy who vomited when Madonna did "American Pie" or when that collaboration of whores did that remake of "Lady Marmalade?"
Morons who get gold and platinum teeth. Ahh...another way for trendy morons to spend large amounts of money on something they won't want down the road. At least you could take bellbottoms off and give them to the Salvation Army. Let's face it, at 22 you think you look like a "player." People look at a 45 year old with metal teeth and think, "Hmm - He must really like taffy a lot more than flossing." But Congratulations! Your six dollar face now has a million dollar smile.
People who do impersonations of Dana Carvey doing impersonations. Personally I can't remember George Bush ever saying, "Wouldn't be prudent," so where's the comedy?
Hard rock bands who have a DJ scratching violently on turntables in the video when all you can hear is the usual Guitar, Bass, and Drums. POSERS. Why not have him playing a Jew's Harp or a Slide Whistle... maybe an Accordion or a Digeridu? It's not like he's actually making any sound in the recording, so what's the difference? And am I the only one who's noticed that Linkin Park is like a boyband clone of Limp Bisquick?
Rappers who take a 70's or 80's hit, mute the vocal track, rap over it, and have a fat woman sing the original chorus from the song. I'm not one to rant about how things influence youth in a bad way- but when laziness and lack of creativity of this magnitude gets rewarded and admired it makes me want to vomit. I remember Negativland getting sued by U2 for using a sample creatively. Kinda makes me ill when talentless, narcissistic people like Puff Daddy can make millions and be perceived by so many young people as creative genii.
The ignored truths of the September 11th attacks and the mess that followed.
1.) On September 10th George W. Bush was a mildly retarded hillbilly who stole the presidency by having his brother's help in rigging the election in Florida, and suddenly on September 11th he's transformed into America's pillar of strength and wisdom? You think he's a genius for going to war against Afghanistan? He did EXACTLY what any president would have done. That doesn't make him a brilliant man. When you have an entire nation screaming for war, it doesn't take a nuclear physicist to think that maybe it's the appropriate response. Besides- he's a warmonger anyway. Before Sept. 11th he was doing everything he possibly could to piss China off. There was no way he was going to let 4 years go by without getting into a war with SOMEbody.
2.) You think the new Afghan Regime hates us less?
3.) The Idiotic American Commercialism. Thanks to some misdirected greedy bastards, we get to remember one of the most tragic events in our nation's history with a T-shirt-Of-The-Week. It makes me feel so proud to wear a t-shirt that gives the worst loss of American life on American soil since the Civil War the same solemn respect that we gave "U Can't Touch This," "Where's the Beef?" "Eat My Shorts Man," and the ever-popular "I'm With Stupid------->."
4.) Before the disaster, the NYPD was trying to save its ass after officers shot at an unarmed civilian forty one times, an officer ran over a pregnant mother and her two kids while drunk driving through a red light on the way to work his shift, and others violently sodomized an immigrant with a toilet plunger handle and turned his guts to hamburger meat. Then some of them die while actually doing the job they were hired to do, and suddenly they're the pinnacle of decency and bravery, to be revered by all humans on earth forever, until the end of time, amen. When I bring this point up, I always get "Just leave them alone - they've gone through enough. So many of them died." The NYPD as an organization suffered, but the individuals who committed these atrocities are all still alive and STILL FREE. Maybe we should build a new building and blow it up so we have some rubble to bury THEM in.
5) The illusion of safety. "I sure feel better now that when I go to my job, they check my ID when I come in the lobby. That way, when the jumbo jet comes hurtling through the building, I know that all the people who get slaughtered are legitimate employees!"
6) Before Sept. 11th, a guy who let an old lady cut in line in the grocery was "A Nice Guy." Now he's a "HERO!"
7) The blind acceptance of the surveillance police state. After the attacks, congress started legislation (USA Patriot Act H. R. 3162) to ease restrictions on police surveillance and allow them to do things like tap phone lines and confiscate computers and business records without court orders to do so. Fourth Amendment be damned! These aren't changes that are going to GO AWAY once Osama is in our clutches. These are new gaps in our freedom that cops are going to be able to use to invade our privacy and bust us for whatever they feel like making illegal...WITHOUT a warrant. Today they use the term "Terrorist." Tomorrow they could use a term like "Radical," or "Subversive." No doubt some of those ancient, out of touch, upper-class white senators consider a pot dealer or ham radio operator an "Enemy of the State." George W. Bush said that the reason we were attacked was because we are envied by countries that don't enjoy the same freedoms as us. He's doing everything he can to FIX it though. Once we lose those pesky freedoms, they'll have nothing left to envy. "Civil rights? Sure! Take them away! Just keep us safe from the bad, bad terrorists!" The USA Patriot Act... You're patriotic... when we can WATCH YOU.
8) The way the media lumps the US attacking Iraq as just another part of the absurd "War On Terror," despite the fact that Iraq had ABSO-LLAMA-LUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH 9/11, and Hussein and Bin Laden hate each other's guts.
People in line at McDonalds who seriously can't decide what they want. How long have you been coming to McDonalds? How many radical menu changes have occurred since your last visit? Have you still not noticed that most everything on the menu tastes about the same, plus or minus toppings? You couldn't have been reading the menu while you were waiting in line? People like that should be sacrificed by some primitive tribe in South America to the volcano god.
"Do you have Mountain Dew?"
"We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, and Iced Tea."
"No Mountain Dew? Hmmm...Do you have Dr. Pepper?"
"We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, and Iced Tea."
"Grape Soda?"
"No."
"Ginger Ale?"
"No."
"Hmmmm. What sodas do you have again?"
"We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, Iced Tea and MURDER! MURDER!!! MURDER!!!!!."
"Diet Sprite?"
*3 minutes and 8 stupid soda requests later*
"I want a Quarter Pounder...and uhhhhhhh a Medium Fries...and uhhhhhhh a 6 piece McNuggets...and uhhhhhhh a Medium Coke...and uhhhhhh actually make that a Large Coke and uhhhhhh..... a Big Mac........"
"That will be $17.75."
(Counting a big pile of loose, wrinkled one dollar bills and assorted coins) "Uhhhhhhhh...and can I get one of those pies?"
"$18.58."
"Do you still have that McRib sandwich?"
"No Ma'am."
"Are you sure? That was good."
"We just have what's up on the board."
"Ok, but I was hoping to get one of those. Maybe I should talk to the manager."
"I am the manager. They only do the McRib as a special thing ocassionally." (Manager is 18 years old)
"Ok...(Looks up at the menu board for a long time as if it's all new. Still scanning for McRib.) And uhhhhhh...If I get a combo, can I exchange my drink for another thing of french fries? Ok...uhhhh - change that to a combo and give me double fries...uhhhhhh and...uhhhhh can I get a Quarter Pounder with Cheese? What do you want, baby?" (4 year old Child continues picking his nose and points at the picture of a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese) "No, no, baby. You're not getting that. What do you want?" (Child continues picking his nose and points at the picture of an ice cream cone) "C'mon baby, that's dessert. You want a burger?" (Child buries his face in his mother's hip and she continues to try to coax him to make his own decision about what to eat) "Ok, just give me a Happy Meal."
"$22.49."
(Still shuffling through a big pile of bills) "Ummmmmmmmm...How much will if it be if I add a medium shake?"
"$23.37."
"Ohh! I forgot to tell you I had a coupon for that value meal."
At this point, enough time has elapsed that I have constructed a crude flame thrower out of the ketchup bin, a napkin dispenser and the plastic head of the Ronald McDonald statue from the play area and I torch the place. Screaming ensues, though the child continues picking his nose. The fries are still soggy.
Anyone who's success in the music business hinges on the fact that they look really good. "What do you mean you don't like __________? Don't you think she's pretty?" (Insert Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, Beyonce. Mariah Carey, Jewel, Mya, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, etc. as necessary.) Since when did someone's musicianship revolve around how hot they look? If you're one of those saps who says "I love her because she has such stage presence," then congratulations. You've been duped, Sucker. In this post-MTV era, artists' appearances are the most important, and marketable aspect in popular music. There's no way of knowing how many brilliant musicians we've missed out on, because major music labels now give ability a back seat to looking sexy. How much further would Hip-Hop have progressed if having strong content carried more weight than projecting a 'hard' image? Why has Techno always been on the back burner? No lead singer. It's about the music, stupid.
People who use the phrase "Not all policemen are bad." Ahh. How reassuring. Not all the chambers of the gun pointed at your temple have bullets in them.
That's enough for now...I have to get ready to go to the club tonight. Some of the things I've said may not apply to you. Some of the things I've said may offend you. But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing: I probably don't care. Shoutouts include:
Marisa - Hey, babe, I can't wait to see you again! I love you and I've been prepping my lower back for your kidney-squisher - I mean hugs! =P ¡Te quiero, cariñosa!
Brittany - Hey, I hope things are running smoothly in your life. Maybe we can see a Michael Buble' concert when I get back...I have my ways...I love you!
Rachel - Hey, dear! Well, I'm glad I'm getting to know you (again) and I really hope we become close friends! Haha, remember, we can always just walk around and tell each other our life stories! By the way, your dress is gorgeous! I know you'll have a great time at HomeComing!
Take care, everyone.
God bless you all.
See you soon.