invisible box

[kiyaa]

there are things i desperately want to say
but i can never find the words
and i can never find the person
and i can never find that self that voices anything out

it feels like a lifetime
the moment where everything seems heavy
and nothing is within my reach
when my voice can only be heard by myself and no one else

in an invisible airless box
that nothing can enter, and nothing can escape.
things around me seems like they're alive
laughing at me, in amusement and in pity
and at that moment all i can do is lean back and sigh nothing.

sometimes i know what i want
but most of the time i forget
the things that matter usually takes a back seat
trapped in a black saturated can
kicking and screaming, i try my best to ignore
pretending i don't hear anything
pretending i don't feel anything

i can never be convinced by happiness
even the word disgusts me sometimes
skeptism takes over and leaves me alone with all endings bad
somehow i think that may leave me satisfied

it's useless to wait for anything to change
no rope is going to be thrown my way
no hand is going to pull me up

i was never made to be those
i was made to stay this way
i know this. but this small little heart still complains.