苦しさ
I am selfish, and am only praying here here to You because I need You, yet again.
You haven't seen me for awhile, thanks to the endless amounts of distracting pleasures that I have recently decided to pursue.
It was fun. It wasn't all bad. You blessed me with friends. You Gave me Joy in my life.
Or is it Joy?
Or is it Lust?
I suppose there is no meaning in about two months.
What will it become to? Only you know, and for me to only guess how I'll feel then.
I don't think I'll be feeling very good. Please protect me from the pain and suffering that I Don't want to go through.
Let me be free.
But that's not why I am praying to You now. But You already knew.
I don't know what to do. I could go on ignoring it, which is very easy to do,
and pay the consequences.
Or I could work on it, and face humiliation and seemingly hopeless despair.
It really is easier to do the first one.
Sigh.
Help me.
Do other people have the same problem as I do? What is this? Overprotectiveness?
I love her. I love my family.
She loves me. or, she loved me. I think she loves me.
How does she feel about me now?
Did I really make a big mistake?
I never considered myself to be the selfish person that she makes me out to be,
but... after he came all the way here for me, I guess.. I should have...
Should have gone home? I wasn't planning to!
I wanted to be with him.
well, where is he now, right? in fact, where will he be in just TWO MONTHS? There is no meaning.
I am just a screwup.
God, please help me.