the powers that be (still) hate me
today was one of those days that makes me sad. really sad. its one of those days i avoid at pretty much all costs bc its a black hole of despair.
my marketing class spent a good 45 minutes talking about boston university tonight which made me pretty much wanna pull a van gogh and cut my ears off. we were creating positioning maps that show how products range depending on both price and perceived quality. one girl chose to make hers for different colleges.... with accc being the lowest and then the ivies at the top with bu right underneath. first let me back up and explain that i live my life in a state of absolute denial. i try my hardest for the majority of my time to almost forget my year in boston. it all seems so surreal compared to where i am in my life right now that i do a good job of talking myself into the idea of it being a dream and not a wonderful life that i fucked myself out of. but the key idea behind deceiving myself is NOT talking about boston. considering that i skipped a year in grade school, unless i tell people what year i graduate - most of them assume i went from ochs to accc which is not an idea im pleased with but i dont correct them. now i could be okay with people just mentioning bu. but then my professor decided to engage in a conversation about the difference in price from accc to bu and how companies perceive your resume depending on if you have an associates from accc or a bachelors from bu. i just sat there with tears in my eyes. that is the absolute LAST thing i needed to hear tonight. im going into self-destructive mode again, as i do every middle of semester. spring semester i got messed up bc i dug myself into a black hole of despair after visiting my city. now im doing the right thing and going to class and trying really hard to stay with it and the powers that be decide to really mess with my head and just rub the life i lost in my face!?!?! and out of all the thousands of colleges in america - what is the fucking likely hood that the girl would put bu on her positioning map and THEN that my professor would pick bu to talk about???
then to really add salt to the wound and dig it in deep, he went off on a tangent about all the kids hes known that go to bu and even colleges in boston and all the simpletons (they really arent all THAT bad but im so annoyed at their presence right now, im sure youll excuse me) are in awe of the idea of life in a big city and starting talking about how mit and harvard must have some pretty cool parties. now i really wanna slit my wrists bc its at a harvard party that i got mono and pretty much fucked my life over. so we finally get through all that and im close to a mental meltdown when my professor says we can have a break. i walk down the hall and get the winter/spring catalog and try to talk myself back into the idea that my glorious year at bu was a dream. i open up the catalog and on the first page, i see an accc student that now goes to bu. im not quite sure how i made it through the last hour without bursting into tears.
why are the powers that be doing this to me?? im just one little person with a very tiny bit of actual emotional strength. yes im very good at bullshitting and making people believe that im stronger than i am. but the powers that be know im weak. why would they wanna be so cruel and test me?? i cant handle this now. i need to get through this semester and accc with a top notch gpa and into rowan before i can breathe a little bit. theres only so much people can take before they really crack. ive already cracked once 18 months ago. i dont plan on making a habit of it. so powers that be, just please leave me the fuck alone already.
my marketing class spent a good 45 minutes talking about boston university tonight which made me pretty much wanna pull a van gogh and cut my ears off. we were creating positioning maps that show how products range depending on both price and perceived quality. one girl chose to make hers for different colleges.... with accc being the lowest and then the ivies at the top with bu right underneath. first let me back up and explain that i live my life in a state of absolute denial. i try my hardest for the majority of my time to almost forget my year in boston. it all seems so surreal compared to where i am in my life right now that i do a good job of talking myself into the idea of it being a dream and not a wonderful life that i fucked myself out of. but the key idea behind deceiving myself is NOT talking about boston. considering that i skipped a year in grade school, unless i tell people what year i graduate - most of them assume i went from ochs to accc which is not an idea im pleased with but i dont correct them. now i could be okay with people just mentioning bu. but then my professor decided to engage in a conversation about the difference in price from accc to bu and how companies perceive your resume depending on if you have an associates from accc or a bachelors from bu. i just sat there with tears in my eyes. that is the absolute LAST thing i needed to hear tonight. im going into self-destructive mode again, as i do every middle of semester. spring semester i got messed up bc i dug myself into a black hole of despair after visiting my city. now im doing the right thing and going to class and trying really hard to stay with it and the powers that be decide to really mess with my head and just rub the life i lost in my face!?!?! and out of all the thousands of colleges in america - what is the fucking likely hood that the girl would put bu on her positioning map and THEN that my professor would pick bu to talk about???
then to really add salt to the wound and dig it in deep, he went off on a tangent about all the kids hes known that go to bu and even colleges in boston and all the simpletons (they really arent all THAT bad but im so annoyed at their presence right now, im sure youll excuse me) are in awe of the idea of life in a big city and starting talking about how mit and harvard must have some pretty cool parties. now i really wanna slit my wrists bc its at a harvard party that i got mono and pretty much fucked my life over. so we finally get through all that and im close to a mental meltdown when my professor says we can have a break. i walk down the hall and get the winter/spring catalog and try to talk myself back into the idea that my glorious year at bu was a dream. i open up the catalog and on the first page, i see an accc student that now goes to bu. im not quite sure how i made it through the last hour without bursting into tears.
why are the powers that be doing this to me?? im just one little person with a very tiny bit of actual emotional strength. yes im very good at bullshitting and making people believe that im stronger than i am. but the powers that be know im weak. why would they wanna be so cruel and test me?? i cant handle this now. i need to get through this semester and accc with a top notch gpa and into rowan before i can breathe a little bit. theres only so much people can take before they really crack. ive already cracked once 18 months ago. i dont plan on making a habit of it. so powers that be, just please leave me the fuck alone already.