because i have to
Even though I haven't posted in here in at least a year or two, I have to because I have too much on my mind.
After tomorrow, I would have completed the first week of high school. I must say it is far from anything I had expected it to be. Its tiring, stressful, and difficult.
Most of my classes are okay, but its really my Calculus class that is killing me. Its very apparent that everyone in the class is at a level far above mine. I talked to a few who have taken Calc in HS, and those who haven't have at least learned more than me. I'm really nervous, because I'm struggling (its very clear too). While the people in my group are intelligent, nice, and helpful, I can't help but feel like a burden to them. I feel like the stupidest one in the class but on a whole new level.
I never really passed M$6 or Precalc with ease. I always failed and crawled through everything like a crippled person with no legs. But everyone else in the class are like the Elite. Some are from Stuy, some not. Regardless, they don't have a doubt in their mind about their capacity to succeed in class. I felt really dumb, or for lack of a better word incompetent in that class. Alvaro said to me "You look scared," After hearing the prof talk about next weeks plans. In all honestly, I WAS and in no way was I denying it. I felt like hiding under a rock and disappearing.
Despite all this, my pride is still intact. I always acknowledged my inability in the math field, and though I have tried very hard to overcome this, people all have their limits.
I feel like I can no longer tell people "Oh college is fine so far" and "My classes are pretty good". I'm tired of wearing a mask like everythings okay. I'm tired of smiling for everyone else. I'm tired of trying hard with no results..why does everyone seem to have an easy time, easy lifestyle? Everything is not okay. I'm not fine, and I'm only happy when I don't have to worry about all this.
Not only have I suffered emotionally, but also physically. Perhaps I'm not used to the new scheduling and lifestyle, but its wearing me down. Always tired/exhausted, lack of appetite, poor complexion..truly a zombie in the making.
I will try my hardest to review my old notes, read the textbook, and prep before class. I really don't like the ideas of dropping classes once I started, and I hate having to switch my schedule to fit new things, but if it is necessary to pass, I will do it. I will see after next week how much longer I can take this class. Hopefully I don't like die or something before it ends and hopefully mom will have some comforting words on this situation when I talk to her this weekend.
After tomorrow, I would have completed the first week of high school. I must say it is far from anything I had expected it to be. Its tiring, stressful, and difficult.
Most of my classes are okay, but its really my Calculus class that is killing me. Its very apparent that everyone in the class is at a level far above mine. I talked to a few who have taken Calc in HS, and those who haven't have at least learned more than me. I'm really nervous, because I'm struggling (its very clear too). While the people in my group are intelligent, nice, and helpful, I can't help but feel like a burden to them. I feel like the stupidest one in the class but on a whole new level.
I never really passed M$6 or Precalc with ease. I always failed and crawled through everything like a crippled person with no legs. But everyone else in the class are like the Elite. Some are from Stuy, some not. Regardless, they don't have a doubt in their mind about their capacity to succeed in class. I felt really dumb, or for lack of a better word incompetent in that class. Alvaro said to me "You look scared," After hearing the prof talk about next weeks plans. In all honestly, I WAS and in no way was I denying it. I felt like hiding under a rock and disappearing.
Despite all this, my pride is still intact. I always acknowledged my inability in the math field, and though I have tried very hard to overcome this, people all have their limits.
I feel like I can no longer tell people "Oh college is fine so far" and "My classes are pretty good". I'm tired of wearing a mask like everythings okay. I'm tired of smiling for everyone else. I'm tired of trying hard with no results..why does everyone seem to have an easy time, easy lifestyle? Everything is not okay. I'm not fine, and I'm only happy when I don't have to worry about all this.
Not only have I suffered emotionally, but also physically. Perhaps I'm not used to the new scheduling and lifestyle, but its wearing me down. Always tired/exhausted, lack of appetite, poor complexion..truly a zombie in the making.
I will try my hardest to review my old notes, read the textbook, and prep before class. I really don't like the ideas of dropping classes once I started, and I hate having to switch my schedule to fit new things, but if it is necessary to pass, I will do it. I will see after next week how much longer I can take this class. Hopefully I don't like die or something before it ends and hopefully mom will have some comforting words on this situation when I talk to her this weekend.