Is there a place...
.. more lonely than I feel within?
This sentence is already haunting me for a whole week. It comes from a song from Within Temptation and it's called Caged.
I do feel lonely. I feel like I'm kinda stuck in a vicious circle. I feel already lonely for years. Maybe I just do it to myself or maybe it's just who I am. When I was 6 years old my teacher at school said once to my mum: 'Joyce is a girl who plays within the group, but she plays her own game.' If it makes sense to you. By then it didn't make sense to me, but now I'm becoming older and wiser in life I realize that she was so damn right. I'm the kind of person who is liked by almost everyone and who gets along with almost everyone, but I'm never really part of a group.
The first two years of highschool I'm bullied a lot. It ruined my life, I was lonelier than I've ever been and it ruined my selfesteem. Though, maybe I closed my eyes for friends because I was in so much misery. I forgot that I did have a good friend. Friend A. who I already know for as long as I can remember. We grew up together. That time I had people with who I hung out at school. A group of girls. Some I really got along well, another one was very dominant and I wasn't strong enough to retort. I was confused that time. About who I was, about life, about friendship, about love. One day when I was crying in my room, my mum, who has never known from the bullying, came to me and talked to me. I told her I didn't have friends. My mum asked me then what I thought what friends were. I couldn't tell her.
All those years at highschool I stayed at that group of 'friends.' I have the feeling that the dominant girl never forgave me that I once said that I had no friends. In Dutch you have a saying which is 'het vijfde wiel aan de wagen zijn.' Which is translated: 'Being the fifth wheel on the car.' It means that you kinda belong to something, but that you (feel like you) doesn't matter. That's how I have felt most of the past 6 years. I did belong to that group, but I didn't matter. Realizing that, doesn't do anything good for my selfesteem.
It corresponds with a postcard I once read on Postsecret.com: I feel out of place in a group op friends. I mostly do. I often have the feeling that my opinion doesn't matter. And really, the last two years I've tried so hard to be liked. And yes, I did have good memories with my group of friends but somehow I'm not really one of them. To give an example. Sometimes two of my friends get an idea to go out or something. To go eating somewhere blablabla.. and after that they ask everyone if they feel like going with them... but they never ask me. And yes, I really would go with them. Another example. One of them was having her birthday and invited everyone.. except for me. Really, you can't imagine how bad I felt.
Now a few friends from my 'group' are going on holiday together. Not that I wanted to go with them, but they didn't ask it either. And so there are other groups in my class and I get along with them but I don't really belong to those groups either. Next week, almost all those groups are going on a holiday. And I'm at home, feeling lonely.
Yesterday I went to Vlissingen with my best friend A. I felt so happy. We don't see eachother that often, but now we went shopping and to the cinema. We talked about a lot of things. I'm so glad to have her. I noticed that I was smiling the whole afternoon and evening. Something I hadn't done for a while.
You know when I feel the most lonely? On Saturday-evenings. I'm not really the type of girl who likes to go to clubs or something so most of the time I'm at home behind the computer where my online friends are. I have one best friend who I know from the Internet. Friend M. She's barely online, but she is one of the most amazing persons I know. She gave me the feeling I did matter to someone. Sometimes I'm feeling bad and lonely and I go on MSN on saturday-evenings, but no-one is on MSN.
So, basically I'm having two friends. A and M. A is always busy just like me and we barely see eachother and she isn't the kind of friend I share my deepest thoughts and feelings with. No offense to her, but we just don't have that kind of friendship. We talk about life and our futures and stuff, but not about our real deep feelings.
With friend M it's different. She knows a lot about me and she knows me like no other, but she lives on the other side of Europe. I'm often feeling lonely because of her. Just because she lives so far away and I miss it so much that I can't just call her when i want to talk to her or that I can go seeing her or that we can go shopping together (although she hates shopping ^^).
I'm worried, because I know my teacher from elementary-school was right. It's the way I am, it's the way I've always been. But how can I survive in this world being like this? I'm kind of a loner. Not to think that I'm not social, because I am.
I'm worried, because next year I'm going to college. I have to meet all those new people. It may be a chance to start a new life, but what if I screw up again?
EDIT: Okay, I've read it all over again and I noticed that I didn't really make a point :P
This sentence is already haunting me for a whole week. It comes from a song from Within Temptation and it's called Caged.
I do feel lonely. I feel like I'm kinda stuck in a vicious circle. I feel already lonely for years. Maybe I just do it to myself or maybe it's just who I am. When I was 6 years old my teacher at school said once to my mum: 'Joyce is a girl who plays within the group, but she plays her own game.' If it makes sense to you. By then it didn't make sense to me, but now I'm becoming older and wiser in life I realize that she was so damn right. I'm the kind of person who is liked by almost everyone and who gets along with almost everyone, but I'm never really part of a group.
The first two years of highschool I'm bullied a lot. It ruined my life, I was lonelier than I've ever been and it ruined my selfesteem. Though, maybe I closed my eyes for friends because I was in so much misery. I forgot that I did have a good friend. Friend A. who I already know for as long as I can remember. We grew up together. That time I had people with who I hung out at school. A group of girls. Some I really got along well, another one was very dominant and I wasn't strong enough to retort. I was confused that time. About who I was, about life, about friendship, about love. One day when I was crying in my room, my mum, who has never known from the bullying, came to me and talked to me. I told her I didn't have friends. My mum asked me then what I thought what friends were. I couldn't tell her.
All those years at highschool I stayed at that group of 'friends.' I have the feeling that the dominant girl never forgave me that I once said that I had no friends. In Dutch you have a saying which is 'het vijfde wiel aan de wagen zijn.' Which is translated: 'Being the fifth wheel on the car.' It means that you kinda belong to something, but that you (feel like you) doesn't matter. That's how I have felt most of the past 6 years. I did belong to that group, but I didn't matter. Realizing that, doesn't do anything good for my selfesteem.
It corresponds with a postcard I once read on Postsecret.com: I feel out of place in a group op friends. I mostly do. I often have the feeling that my opinion doesn't matter. And really, the last two years I've tried so hard to be liked. And yes, I did have good memories with my group of friends but somehow I'm not really one of them. To give an example. Sometimes two of my friends get an idea to go out or something. To go eating somewhere blablabla.. and after that they ask everyone if they feel like going with them... but they never ask me. And yes, I really would go with them. Another example. One of them was having her birthday and invited everyone.. except for me. Really, you can't imagine how bad I felt.
Now a few friends from my 'group' are going on holiday together. Not that I wanted to go with them, but they didn't ask it either. And so there are other groups in my class and I get along with them but I don't really belong to those groups either. Next week, almost all those groups are going on a holiday. And I'm at home, feeling lonely.
Yesterday I went to Vlissingen with my best friend A. I felt so happy. We don't see eachother that often, but now we went shopping and to the cinema. We talked about a lot of things. I'm so glad to have her. I noticed that I was smiling the whole afternoon and evening. Something I hadn't done for a while.
You know when I feel the most lonely? On Saturday-evenings. I'm not really the type of girl who likes to go to clubs or something so most of the time I'm at home behind the computer where my online friends are. I have one best friend who I know from the Internet. Friend M. She's barely online, but she is one of the most amazing persons I know. She gave me the feeling I did matter to someone. Sometimes I'm feeling bad and lonely and I go on MSN on saturday-evenings, but no-one is on MSN.
So, basically I'm having two friends. A and M. A is always busy just like me and we barely see eachother and she isn't the kind of friend I share my deepest thoughts and feelings with. No offense to her, but we just don't have that kind of friendship. We talk about life and our futures and stuff, but not about our real deep feelings.
With friend M it's different. She knows a lot about me and she knows me like no other, but she lives on the other side of Europe. I'm often feeling lonely because of her. Just because she lives so far away and I miss it so much that I can't just call her when i want to talk to her or that I can go seeing her or that we can go shopping together (although she hates shopping ^^).
I'm worried, because I know my teacher from elementary-school was right. It's the way I am, it's the way I've always been. But how can I survive in this world being like this? I'm kind of a loner. Not to think that I'm not social, because I am.
I'm worried, because next year I'm going to college. I have to meet all those new people. It may be a chance to start a new life, but what if I screw up again?
EDIT: Okay, I've read it all over again and I noticed that I didn't really make a point :P