" 'Prego, farmi morire', is what I said. 'Please, make me die'. "

[kiwi_mistress]

I don't know how to handle this anymore.

There is so much unresolved hurt inside. Genuine, inexplicable pain.

I don't like how this life is now.

For as long as I can remember I have done nothing but given myself to other people. I have been there for them whenever they needed someone, and sometimes even when they didn't. I have been listening to problems and giving advice since I was in 6th grade, when I was old enough to realize just how much my friends meant to me.

And they always will. Even those who have hurt me beyond words.

I ask for nothing in return and want nothing in return other than acknowledgement. I want someone to know that I'm here, waiting for tears to fall onto my shoulder.

I don't want them to be my own.

She said she wants someone to care for her and get her through things, someone other than her boyfriend, her roommate, or her neighbor.

Why am I not good enough?

I've cared about few people the way I care about her, but she doesn't seem to want me to be there for her.

I don't understand.

She said that no one knows how she feels inside. I know, because she and I are so connected on some intangible, subconscious level. And it hurts. And I want to help. But she won't let me.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

This doesn't even sound like my voice.

I feel like a vital part of me is missing, and will never be found.

I'm hiding in a shell of myself. It's very lonely in here.

I miss people. I miss familiar people. I miss familiar people with warm arms. I miss familiar people with warm arms and warm voices and a true concern for why I'm crying.

But I don't cry anymore these days. I won't let myself.

I have to stop showing everyone my vulnerability, my wounds, because it's that much easier for them to rub in the salt that way.

Or to just let me bleed.

Everything is the same now.

I need something.

I don't know what.

But I need it soon, or I may fall apart.