He's A Dream 1/5

[kivajayelle]

Title: He's a Dream
Author:  KivaJayelle
Pairing:  Damon/Bonnie
Summary:  Just another lemony Bamon fic, cribbed form the lyrics of an '80's song.
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Bonnie, Caroline and Elena commenced their monthly slumber party ritual analyzing the men in town, unaware that they provided entertainment for an audience of one,

Comments

[angryzen]

Does Damon have nothing better to do than listen in on teenage slumber parties.

I liked this "scene," but I have to say the way the characters spoke doesn't ring true to how they would in the show.

[kivajayelle]

I'll admit, the scene is a bit OOC for these girls, but I wanted to give them a 'time-out', so to speak. I was kind of looking at it from an HBO show standpoint, not the slightly more tame CW standards and practices.

You'll have to admit that Damon can be a tad rudderless and does have a habit of 'checking up' on these three.

[angryzen]

I'll admit, the scene is a bit OOC for these girls, but I wanted to give them a 'time-out', so to speak. I was kind of looking at it from an HBO show standpoint, not the slightly more tame CW standards and practices.

Oh no, I didn't mean in terms of what they were talking about, but in terms of the words they used, if that makes any sense. Like Elena saying, "I whole-heartedly concur" and Bonnie going, "As the great poetess Sarah Jones..."

Oh definitely. I just think it's funny. Lol.

[kivajayelle]

That's EXACTLY what my beta was talking about! She seems to think the language is a little too high-hat for those readers. She wants me to dumb the language down=)

...she said zippo about the sex, though.

I think I'm going to be one of those hopeless writers who can't keep these two horizontal long enough to form coherent thoughts. I don't think there's enough Bamon-bopping happening in fanon these days.

[angryzen]

Oh, lol. I think it's high-hat for the characters themselves. I can't imagine them constructing their words like that.

I encourage you!

[kivajayelle]

My beta DID also recommend that I tone it down a bit. Something about frying the brain circuits of the young people that read over on FF.

Thanks SO much for the review! I find the critiques are very helpful to me if I'm going to continue to throw stuff like this on the wall to see what sticks.

[angryzen]

Aw, I don't want to go against your beta, but I say don't turn down the naughty! Lol.