Addio fuffo
Cliffy
09/04/2002 (?) - 06/09/2011
I'm sorry I always end talking about sad things but.... Cliffy, my little rabbit, just died some hours ago at the vet. He died of old age and we put him down only when he was not able to walk or move anymore, to spare him from an useless agony.
I'm leaving this open for comments just in case anyone wants to say something but please please please don't feel obligated to comment or even to read, I'm sorry for this entry but I need to write things down to clear my mind. I've been crying for more than 7 hours now and I need to calm down, I can't cry tomorrow at work and unfortunately, I'll have a lot of time to think.
I probably sounds completely out of mind but I don't care.
I know this may sounds excessive for most of you but just as my mom said some hours ago at the phone...he was a rabbit, but he was not a rabbit for us. He was part of my family, and one of the most important things in my life....I never felt such a connection with anyone, not human nor animal, I still can't believe a little rabbit could be such....a world. There is no way to describe how much he gave to me in all these years and how much I'm going to miss him.
I took the rabbit home in April 2002 (I was 14 years old then) after months of asking for one, it was a gift from a friend of my mother I could never stand...my parents weren't happy about it, especially because when he was young he had the bad habit of biting everything... but in the end everyone loved him so much. He lived in my room all these years, first in the cottage and after that in all the 3 (or 4?) houses I lived in in the city. He was a very active pet, costantly running around and playing with everything. For a good while, he didn't let anyone apart me enter my room, he stood proudly at the door and bit everyone that dared entering...he also loved to prank people, waking my brother's wife with an high sound near her face, running away, and doing it again as soon as she felt asleep. XD
He had his own little code to make us understand his needs...one lick to the cage for a piece of apple, knocking over the bowl when the food wasn't good. standing up on feet for salad, running in circle in the cage if he wanted to came out, etc etc.
Eveytime I felt upset or down, the only thing able to calm me down was cuddling him...I have no idea why but his little body gave me such a strength I never found anywhere else, Clif had something special in him, I'm sure of this. I've spent the most serene evening of my life cuddling Clif and I'll never forget it. I don't think I'll never be able to adopt another rabbit.
I still can't believe he's dead, I never felt more alone in my life. I turn around and there is only an empty space but I still feel his presence behind my back, I still think he'll be there in his yellow cage when I look, straighting his ears and looking at me. I'm so used to hearing little noises in the night and to check him in the morning... I spent everynight of the last 9 years saying "goodnight Clif" before sleeping, I'm so used to it that I often said it even when not at home. and now?
I thought I was prepared, I thought about his death a lot in the past years and yet...I can't believe it. I thought I would feel a sense of release despite it all...but I don't. In all these 9 years, I've felt anxious everytime I went on holiday ...or just out of the house in the last weeks, scared that he may die all alone. Everytime he felt ill he called from me, kicking the cage as long as it took me to hear him and get near. He never bit me, not even when I was little and made him angry, he always searched for me and in all these years he had just been the most lovely creature ever. He deserved all the love in this world ... he deserved to live for another 10 years or more....but that's not possible, unfortunately.
A lot of things happened, he had been at the vet for grave illness more than one time but he never gave up, he loved to live. Yesterday he wanted to go on the balcony come hell, despite not being able to walk on his own anymore....I took him there and stayed with him for a while. He didn't want to die, I'm sure of this, I've seen old animals being just resigned or serene at the feeling of death....he tried in every way to live just a little more, to not be alone. I feel bad for putting him down but I know there was nothing else to do at that point. It was a pain to see him like that and I know it was his time, I know I did everything to make him die peacefully, I know he had a long and -I hope- happy life.....but it still doesn't feel right.
I can't take away the feeling that he's still here, in my room.
In the end, he waited for me. When I got home today he was laying on his side, with no more energies to move anymore....but as soon as saw me he raised his head and briefly licked my hand happily...after that he just laid down and didn't move anymore, not even when we put him in a box and took him to the vet. I'm happy I was there with him in his last moments at least.
......my mom did everything she could, she even paid a lot to cremate him because neither of us could think of throwing his body in the garbage, as silly as this sound. I was unsure about what to do with his cage, because it was a very expensive and good one, but my mom was adamant about throwing it and everything that was "his" away....and I'm glad for that.
Animals are the only thing that still makes me believe there can be something good in this fucking world, they had been the cause of most of the pain of my life, most of my psychological damage was caused by the ways I've seen my cats die since I was little, but no matter how much I suffer when they die, I could never, never live without them.
No one will be ever be like Cliffy.
Ciao topino,
Grazie. Mi mancherai moltissimo.