Fanfiction: Be [One-Shot]
Title: Be
Prompt: “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
Rating: PG-13; heavy themes, character death
pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi (Side Hankyung/Heechul, subtle Kibum/Donghae)
Summary: Its difficult to live in a world that expects you to be a lie.
Notes: based in part off of the earthquake that affected Sichuan Province and areas surrounding.
A/N: Written for the blind quote challenge @ neoragobang. Please check out the other fics there, they are by far more fabulous than this!
Kyuhyun entered the dorm he shared with his nonsensical roommate Zhou Mi, his slender hands leafing through a few folders before he caught sight of the paper underneath his desk. With a small twitch of his hand, the paper tugged itself free of the chair leg and flew into his outstretched palm. Shuffling the papers together so that they made some sort of sense, he slid the folder into his backpack and turned on his heel.
“Bravo,” he looked up into the eyes of his close friend, a boy with raven hair and teeth that could outshine the sun. “You should be more careful, Kyuhyun.” He revealed his white teeth in a smile that could be considered charming. “You never know who could be watching.”
Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, pushing past him. “What’s up?” He asked, pressing his lips in a thin line and tapping his thumb against the strap of his bag. It annoyed him that Kibum was the only one who knew what he was. It gave the other an advantage and put him on edge. Even though he and Kibum were friends, they also considered themselves rivals in various subjects.
“There’s another hate rally tonight, are you going?” Kibum’s deep voice asked, making his blood freeze. He pretended to be nonchalant, looking back at him over his shoulder.
“I have to, don’t I?”
Kibum just sighed and shook his head, turning to walk away.
“I’m the vice president of the club after all.” He whispered to himself, feeling something akin to shame flood through his veins. He just shook himself and left the apartment for class.
Outside the dorms, there was a large red mark of graffiti, a hate mark. God hates mutants. It was a wonderful image to wake up to every morning. Underneath, people had scrawled names of people in Chinese. People murdered by the “Great Mistake.”
The Great Mistake was the socially acceptable name for the mutant who had explosive power. A few years ago, on May 12, one mutant self-destructed and half the people in China’s Sichuan province perished in the blast. Over 5 million people killed before they even knew what had happened.
The mutant had been a small child whose powers had erupted early. A teasing on the playground was all that it took her to self-destruct and send all the people in the world into terror. Government tried to stabilize things, but violent anti riot acts almost wiped out every known mutant that didn’t go into hiding or had stayed undercover.
Kyuhyun considered himself lucky, being one who wasn’t physically obvious. He knew of mutants who met fates that were far more tragic. One of his acquaintances had a pair of white feathery wings. He watched anti-mutants tear them off and let him bleed to near death. Sometimes he regretted it, not saving him. Always he felt ashamed of it.
Kyuhyun was a mutant. Ever since “Great Mistake”, he hated himself for being one. Sometimes he wished he wouldn’t have to hide what he was from everyone important in his life. Sometimes he wished that everyone was the same and no one killed. He cut off his thoughts as entered his class and slipped into his designated seat.
Class went by smoothly as always and afterwards he met up with Kibum and Donghae, their flat-mates, for lunch. Sitting around the table, Kyuhyun shoved Kibum’s numerous text books away so that he’d have enough room for his tray. “Must you take up a full table?”
Kibum put them away with a roll of his eyes. “Dean’s list takes effort.” Donghae collided with him just then, wrapping his arms around his neck and clinging to his back for all he was worth.
“Make them stop,” Donghae complained, falling into the seat and throwing his backpack onto the floor. He had a large poster crumpled up in his hand. “They won’t stop.”
“Who won’t stop?” Zhou Mi asked curiously, taking a seat across from Kyuhyun. Zhou Mi was Kyuhyun’s roommate and friend. The flurry of birds that woke up in his stomach told him that he felt more than just “friends” but he ignored it.
Donghae turned wide chocolate eyes to him. “Hating mutants,” he stated in a matter of fact tone. “They’re so cool; I don’t know why people keep posting things like this.” He spread down the poster that had the same writing as the graffiti in front of the stairs of their apartment printed on its face.
Kibum took it from him, staring at the times and of the meetings. He raised his head to meet Kyuhyun’s eyes. “When did you guys start inviting people to your hate club?” He asked bitterly, throwing it down.
Kyuhyun poked his food, but Zhou Mi raised his head and smacked the table. “At least we’re doing something.” He was also a member of the anti mutant group Kyuhyun was the vice president of. He didn’t go to every single meeting, but they’d often go together.
Zhou Mi had lost friends and family members both in the Great Mistake. From his home in Hubei province he’d even felt the earth tremble. Before the accident, there hadn’t been nearly as much mutant hate, but now, with so many people murdered, it seemed there was revolution on the tongues of everyone.
“The wrong thing maybe,” a new voice sneered, picking up the poster from the table. Delicate hands tore it in half. Heechul tore the pieces in half again, delicate fingers oddly strong. “This is the most stupid thing in the world.” He pointed at Kyuhyun. “You are an idiot for being so involved.”
Heechul was one a dear friend to them all, and Han Geng, his boyfriend, was Zhou Mi’s friend from China. Han Geng was calm where Heechul was vibrant, quiet where he was loud. They were an odd couple, but no one else could put up with Heechul quite the same way Han Geng would (willingly).
“My sister died because of it, ge.” Zhou Mi said resolutely, his eyes hard as he and Heechul glared at each other. The smile on the Chinese man’s lips seemed to become iron hard. “If mutants are capable of something like that, who knows what will happen if a mutant comes along intent on ruling the world.”
Heechul sneered, his lip lifting up into a snarl. “Kind of like what would happen if a regular human got enough weapon power to exterminate people who aren’t white with blond hair, I’d wager.”
“I don’t think it’s the fault of mutants.” Han Geng said quietly, cutting into the argument and resolving it quickly. “Most mutants don’t want to kill anyone.” His hands were shaking, Kyuhyun watched Heechul squeeze his fingers comfortingly. “That little girl hadn’t wanted to kill anyone at all, she just wanted to live. She hadn’t known anything at all.”
The table was hushed. Kyuhyun watched Zhou Mi bite back his tongue. Han Geng had lost his entire family to it, as they had been visiting the Sichuan panda zoo when the accident happened. No one could say anything else.
There was a silence, broken by a staggered breath Han Geng took. “I’m a shapeshifter.” He revealed in a reserved tone, his voice half choked because he knew exactly what they could do to him. Kyuhyun’s heart froze in his chest, skipping a beat. He found it odd how Han Geng didn’t say ‘I’m a mutant’ but treated himself like an individual. Kyuhyun glanced down at his pale hands.
“H-how,” Zhou Mi sucked in a breath and made Kyuhyun look up in alarm at the quivering tone. “How could you just say that?”
“Idiot!” Heechul snapped, but Kyuhyun could tell he was surprised that Han Geng had revealed it. “Why should he hide who he is?” But there was worry clouding his dark eyes. When he looked into Kyuhyun’s dark ones, the young man suddenly realized that Heechul didn’t trust them.
Han Geng just sighed quietly before the tension was broken at the table by Donghae bombarding him with questions. Kyuhyun mixed his food together on his plate. When he looked up, it was to Heechul’s warning eyes. He looked away and caught Kibum’s dark, emotionless gaze. It was completely unreadable, but it tore him to the bone. He had to leave without finishing his meal, telling a troubled Zhou Mi that he’d see him at the meeting.
-x-
The meeting was held in the university courtyard as usual. Since the president had called in sick, Kyuhyun was the one in charge of the discussion this evening. Stepping up to the podium, he looked over the gathering of young students just like him except they were just human. Trembling, he gripped it, the confession of Han Geng earlier shifting in his mind.
They were all bonded together through a mutual fear of something. For the humans, they were bonded in this group because they didn’t know about mutants. While Kyuhyun was afraid of everything that mutants could do-would do. What he knew he himself could do.
“Today I found a mutant on our very own campus.” He heard Zhou Mi suck in a breath and avoided looking at him. If Kyuhyun was ever going to convince himself - and others - that he was not a monster, he needed to be just like them. “Han Geng, third year.” The words whisked themselves out of his mouth and over the hush of a crowd. His stomach plummeted at the enraged cries. Han Geng was a star basketball player and extremely well known around campus.
Han Geng was in Kyuhyun’s circle of friends.
A mutant, just like he was.
Kyuhyun condemned his fate with just a few words.
-x-
At twelve, Kyuhyun hit puberty. As a young child, he was just like all the others, the changing voice, the acne, the hair everywhere, the thing’s going on down there. He had an infatuation with video games, an infatuation that never quite left him.
One time, he was feeling rather lazy to sit up and get his game controller. He reached his hand out, wishing that he could just summon it to him. Then the queerest thing happened.
It actually did.
He stared at the controller as it floated towards him, raising itself up from his floor and gently entering his outstretched hand.
He dropped it with a scream and ran into the bathroom, wide eyed, his heart beating frantically in his chest like a rabbits. Running water over his face, he stared at the reflection his white face in the mirror. His breathing slowly returned to normal, shock replaced by curiosity.
He focused on the small cabinet door over the toilet, compelling it to open. It did, swinging on its hinges. Next, he tried elevating the medicine inside. The containers got about half way across the room when a sudden headache overwhelmed him and he dropped them, shattering glass and pills against the white tile floor.
Kyuhyun woke up with a splitting headache and staggered breath. His vision focused on the dark ceiling and he moaned, rolling over and groping around the bed for his comforter. He found it and pulled it up to his face, muffling his pants in its softness.
The sudden comfort of another person’s hand on his shaking shoulder made him freeze. He contemplated feigning sleep until the other called out his name. He lifted his head, staring blearily at the silhouette of Zhou Mi through the nighttime gloom.
“Kui Xian?” Zhou Mi’s voice had an uneven crackling, unused from sleep. “Are you okay?”
The question slipped out of his lips before he even knew he wanted to ask it. “What would you do if I told I was a mutant?”
Zhou Mi’s form froze and his hand retracted. After a moment, during which Kyuhyun thought he was going to sigh and leave, he was surprised when the Chinese man sat down on his bed, recalling the way it tilted towards him.
“I don’t know.” Zhou Mi murmured, bowing his head. “I don’t really know what to think anymore.”
Kyuhyun drew in a breath, his body tensing. “Do you-“
“Are you?” Zhou Mi asked, and his eyes flashed from the light outside when his head turned towards him. “Are you a mutant Kui Xian?”
He resisted shrinking back against the bedcovers and closed his eyes, releasing a short breath. “No,” he lied, pretending he didn’t know why his heart was constricting in his chest.
There was a light shuffling, and Zhou Mi pressed one hand against one side of him and the other touching the back of his neck. There was a hushed whisper of breath against his skin and then, their lips met in a union that sent Kyuhyun’s crushed heart spiraling through the clouds.
The tall man wrapped himself around Kyuhyun’s form, sliding his long arms around him and pulling him to his chest, giving Kyuhyun a sense of security he’d never known before. All of his life, he’d done nothing but keep his mutant powers a secret. Not even his parents knew. The idea scared him more than any other; that he’d have the power to destroy someone so easily, that there were people in the world that had the power to just kill because they could.
“Thank you for being truthful,” Zhou Mi murmured, raising a hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear. Kyuhyun closed his eyes against the feeling. Once Zhou Mi had fallen asleep, tears soaked his pillow, running down his cheeks and making his body quake. His entire life was nothing but a lie.
-x-
In the central courtyard between the class buildings, there was a large tree. It was actually rather beautiful when it was in bloom. White flowers littered its branches in the summer and in the autumn, falling and scattering in the wind attaching to the fabric of students clothes as they travelled beneath it.
Now, it seemed anything but beautiful. Kyuhyun looked, because he could do nothing else. He stared at the crimson liquid dripping down the stems of the tree. The body of his friend, the one everyone loved for his kind and calm aura. Han Geng - Han Geng’s body-suspended in the tree, a thick rope around his awkwardly angled neck. His lips were pale with death, face ashen. The longer he stared the more he realized how much this was to do with his own cowardice.
The longer he stared into those dead, blank eyes, the more he realized the price for telling the truth. Members of the anti-mutant club surrounded him-campus extremists following a common cause; murderers. He had arrived late, but not late enough.
Sound rushed back as he retreated from his tunnel of horror. Just one night ago, he’d lied to Zhou Mi about being a mutant. Now he was watching an execution. Chants of ‘kill the monster’ were still flowing through the air.
“You’re all bastards!”
The scream, the terrible, heart shredding, broken revelation that spoke truths that Kyuhyun realized too late, tore through the air. He swallowed, pushing forward through the crowds until he was staring down, with dark eyes, at Kim Heechul.
Kim Heechul was a loud mouth, a surly man who protected the people he cared for. Severely misunderstood by most, he made people either love or hate him. He was the smartest man Kyuhyun had ever known. Heechul’s eyes snagged his dark ones and Kyuhyun knew that he made the connection.
Lunching forward with a snarl, Heechul’s nails only just nicked Kyuhyun’s pale cheek before he was shoved back by the members of the club, slammed against the tree trunk his own boyfriend was now hanging from. The man collapsed on the ground and only then did Kyuhyun notice how horribly he’d been hurt.
Blood tainted Heechul’s fingers from sores caused by the chains they’d used to drag them to this spot. His shirt had a large crimson stain across the front. His legs had shredded, and his usually perfect hair limp and ratted.
“Cho Kyuhyun,” Heechul spat blood at his feet, laughing, crying. “You’re the monster.” His body may have been in more pain than Kyuhyun could possibly know, but his eyes were clear as sunlight on a shining summer day.
Someone had a gun on them. Before the shot destroyed him, Kyuhyun let his gaze drop, unable to meet that strong look, that knowing, that pain. He knew the lie he was spreading, he knew the hate he was spreading. He knew what would happen to him.
The air was oddly hushed as the shot cracked air.
-x-
“Get out.” When Kyuhyun came in through the doors, Kibum was waiting for him. He stopped, freezing on the threshold.
“What?”
“You heard me,” Kibum pointed out the door. “Get the fuck out.”
Kyuhyun stared at him, noting the red-rimmed eyes and the pale, pasty skin.
Kibum grabbed him by the shirt collar and started to bodily shove him out when Kyuhyun didn’t move.
“What are you doing?” Zhou Mi asked, coming out of the room they shared with a confused face. Kyuhyun’s eyes were dead and blank when they looked up at him.
“I’m throwing him out,” Kibum snarled, “he’s a fucking bastard, a traitor, a killer.”
Zhou Mi frowned, and Kyuhyun thought that it made his face all wrong, a smile should never stop shining there. He dropped his gaze to the floor because he knew that Kibum was correct. The constant lie he lived, the front he placed in front of his face. It was all just a lie and it hurt, killed him more each day.
“Kui Xian didn’t kill them…” Zhou Mi murmured faithfully. “He had his reasons…”
“Did he ever tell you?” Kibum hissed, and Kyuhyun’s head snapped up in alarm. Kibum’s strong arm shook him hard, making his head burn, temples lacing with throbbing pain.
“He’s a mutant.”
Kibum released him, and his body dropped to the ground like a stone. His back hit the wall with a thud and he stared up into Zhou Mi’s clouded eyes where he was met by the ghastly look of betrayal.
He’d never seen eyes like that. They were so haunted. Dark grooves had carved themselves under his eyes, his lips had chafed and his face was pale. There was no smile. “Is that true?” Zhou Mi asked, his shoulders sagging.
Kyuhyun nodded slowly, as though the joints of his neck were rusted out. His heart had been pounding hard in his chest before but now it didn’t make so much as a sound. Silence filled the world, so quiet that it was as if the whole universe had just stopped, standing still on its entire existence for this one moment.
Then it was over. Zhou Mi drew his gaze away from him and he left the apartment. Kibum scoffed and turned back to his room where he was comforting Donghae. A dry sob tore through his lips. When he closed his eyes his mind brought him back to the moment before Han Geng was murdered. The Chinese had smiled, his eyes were calm even though they were frightened.
Kyuhyun had to ask why he was smiling.
“Even though I’m dying, at least I’m dying for being myself, rather than an imitation of what I am not.”
It didn’t take long until he was found, laying there against the graffiti-ridden wall in front of his apartment as he was. Kyuhyun felt broken even before they got hold of him. This time it was Zhou Mi who’s eyes he was looking into. The haunted eyes of the one he loved. If he hadn’t lied from the beginning, perhaps things would have been different. In the arms of the merciless anti-mutant club, he knew that it was too late.
“I’m sorry Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi said quietly. Kyuhyun had been sitting alone in the closet they had stuck him in until that night. Apparently, there was going to be a large reception for his death. He looked up when Zhou Mi entered the room.
“Why don’t you try to break out?” Zhou Mi asked, his tone dead with a lilt of curiosity.
Kyuhyun looked up at him through his long dark hair. “I don’t see the point.”
“Why?”
“Because now that everyone knows what I am, I don’t need to run away.”
“Kui Xian,” the taller man knelt down to his level, placing a palm on his knee. “I never cared that you were a mutant, or that you were hiding.” When Kyuhyun didn’t look at him he grabbed his face between his hands and forcefully tilted it towards him. “I cared that you killed innocent people.”
“Do you hate me?” Kyuhyun asked when their eyes met.
“I thought I didn’t, once.” Then he kissed him, one last time. Zhou Mi’s lips were as cold and as hard as granite. The rope they fastened around his neck was rough and uninviting as the crowd he was suddenly standing before. He never realized how frightening an execution was until he was the one being killed.
As his old friends and allies jeered at him, he couldn’t help but smile. At least he finally learned the answer to his own little mystery. For the first time in months, Kyuhyun had slept without nightmares. For the first time since puberty he smiled his first real smile.
His eyes searched the crowd until they locked on the eyes of one unhappy person. He offered his smile to Zhou Mi. He watched the way the light died in those eyes. But Zhou Mi wasn’t dying and he had no final words to spare.
“I’ll always love you.” There was a moment in which the world stood completely still, everything froze, and all was silent. He spoke the words he had been afraid to say, and then he died.
-x-
Zhou Mi could remember, even months later, after the University put in an order because there were too many people being killed, on a cool fall night when the trees outside were dying and he’d entered the apartment he once shared with a student named Cho Kyuhyun. He remembered hugging that shaking body close after two of their close friends died. He could remember thinking that it would be possible to love Cho Kyuhyun. He remembered thinking he hated him.
He closed his eyes as he sat down on the long ago abandoned bed, tracing the outline of someone who used to sleep there with his eyes. The sheets were cool, crisp and untouched beneath his fingers. An image of the young man smiling as they pulled the stool out from under him flashed through his mind.
It was months later, and he finally, finally realized. A smile dawned upon his face for the first time in months. His world had endured so much loss, so much hardship. His family, his friends, the people of China, Han Geng, Heechul…they’d all been innocent, they’d all been living.
A few years ago, a little girl had been at recess in Sichuan. Her friend stole her ribbon. The teasing escalated and she grew more and more frustrated. She clenched her small fists and opened her mouth to scream when something inside of her struck a chord. She blew herself, her friends, and millions of innocent people up without even knowing how or why.
Zhou Mi pulled Kyuhyun’s pillow to his chest, circling it with his arms and resting his face against it. He inhaled deeply, taking in the slight scent of spices and sugar cookies that had faded from time. Soon it would disappear all together. For the longest time, Zhou Mi had filled Kyuhyun’s world with smiles, hoping that someday they would rub off and make the other do the same. But it never worked, and finally, too late, Zhou Mi realized why.
It was impossible to be happy and hide your true self from the world. He wondered what would have happened, had there been different choices made. Then, a smile crossed his face and he put the pillow back gently, picked himself up from the vacant bed. He carefully pulled creases out of the comforter and left the room, shutting the door behind himself.
On the night of an execution, months ago now, Cho Kyuhyun whispered his last words, thinking that no one could hear him. However, in that moment, time stood still for Zhou Mi. Everything was silent. The words easily reached his ears.
Moreover, in his heart, Zhou Mi was finally able to admit it, past all the pain of a lie, all the hurt caused by death. He was finally able to admit to himself that he loved a demon.
Once upon a time, after an innocent little girl made a large mistake, after a young man lied to others for a chance to live, another tried to lie to his own heart.
With a soft, sad smile, Zhou Mi locked the door with a bundle of roses in his hand. It is better this way, being able to smile truly, even if no one else in the world could pull of a smile. There were many things worth regretting, there were many things that made him cry. Nevertheless, in the end of it all, if he could still smile, then he considered his life well lived.
As he passed the graffiti mark at the bottom of the stairs of their apartment, he couldn’t help but let his smile grow even wider as he understood. Even hated, it was better to be who you were born to be.
fin.
word count: 4,272
Prompt: “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
Rating: PG-13; heavy themes, character death
pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi (Side Hankyung/Heechul, subtle Kibum/Donghae)
Summary: Its difficult to live in a world that expects you to be a lie.
Notes: based in part off of the earthquake that affected Sichuan Province and areas surrounding.
A/N: Written for the blind quote challenge @ neoragobang. Please check out the other fics there, they are by far more fabulous than this!
Kyuhyun entered the dorm he shared with his nonsensical roommate Zhou Mi, his slender hands leafing through a few folders before he caught sight of the paper underneath his desk. With a small twitch of his hand, the paper tugged itself free of the chair leg and flew into his outstretched palm. Shuffling the papers together so that they made some sort of sense, he slid the folder into his backpack and turned on his heel.
“Bravo,” he looked up into the eyes of his close friend, a boy with raven hair and teeth that could outshine the sun. “You should be more careful, Kyuhyun.” He revealed his white teeth in a smile that could be considered charming. “You never know who could be watching.”
Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, pushing past him. “What’s up?” He asked, pressing his lips in a thin line and tapping his thumb against the strap of his bag. It annoyed him that Kibum was the only one who knew what he was. It gave the other an advantage and put him on edge. Even though he and Kibum were friends, they also considered themselves rivals in various subjects.
“There’s another hate rally tonight, are you going?” Kibum’s deep voice asked, making his blood freeze. He pretended to be nonchalant, looking back at him over his shoulder.
“I have to, don’t I?”
Kibum just sighed and shook his head, turning to walk away.
“I’m the vice president of the club after all.” He whispered to himself, feeling something akin to shame flood through his veins. He just shook himself and left the apartment for class.
Outside the dorms, there was a large red mark of graffiti, a hate mark. God hates mutants. It was a wonderful image to wake up to every morning. Underneath, people had scrawled names of people in Chinese. People murdered by the “Great Mistake.”
The Great Mistake was the socially acceptable name for the mutant who had explosive power. A few years ago, on May 12, one mutant self-destructed and half the people in China’s Sichuan province perished in the blast. Over 5 million people killed before they even knew what had happened.
The mutant had been a small child whose powers had erupted early. A teasing on the playground was all that it took her to self-destruct and send all the people in the world into terror. Government tried to stabilize things, but violent anti riot acts almost wiped out every known mutant that didn’t go into hiding or had stayed undercover.
Kyuhyun considered himself lucky, being one who wasn’t physically obvious. He knew of mutants who met fates that were far more tragic. One of his acquaintances had a pair of white feathery wings. He watched anti-mutants tear them off and let him bleed to near death. Sometimes he regretted it, not saving him. Always he felt ashamed of it.
Kyuhyun was a mutant. Ever since “Great Mistake”, he hated himself for being one. Sometimes he wished he wouldn’t have to hide what he was from everyone important in his life. Sometimes he wished that everyone was the same and no one killed. He cut off his thoughts as entered his class and slipped into his designated seat.
Class went by smoothly as always and afterwards he met up with Kibum and Donghae, their flat-mates, for lunch. Sitting around the table, Kyuhyun shoved Kibum’s numerous text books away so that he’d have enough room for his tray. “Must you take up a full table?”
Kibum put them away with a roll of his eyes. “Dean’s list takes effort.” Donghae collided with him just then, wrapping his arms around his neck and clinging to his back for all he was worth.
“Make them stop,” Donghae complained, falling into the seat and throwing his backpack onto the floor. He had a large poster crumpled up in his hand. “They won’t stop.”
“Who won’t stop?” Zhou Mi asked curiously, taking a seat across from Kyuhyun. Zhou Mi was Kyuhyun’s roommate and friend. The flurry of birds that woke up in his stomach told him that he felt more than just “friends” but he ignored it.
Donghae turned wide chocolate eyes to him. “Hating mutants,” he stated in a matter of fact tone. “They’re so cool; I don’t know why people keep posting things like this.” He spread down the poster that had the same writing as the graffiti in front of the stairs of their apartment printed on its face.
Kibum took it from him, staring at the times and of the meetings. He raised his head to meet Kyuhyun’s eyes. “When did you guys start inviting people to your hate club?” He asked bitterly, throwing it down.
Kyuhyun poked his food, but Zhou Mi raised his head and smacked the table. “At least we’re doing something.” He was also a member of the anti mutant group Kyuhyun was the vice president of. He didn’t go to every single meeting, but they’d often go together.
Zhou Mi had lost friends and family members both in the Great Mistake. From his home in Hubei province he’d even felt the earth tremble. Before the accident, there hadn’t been nearly as much mutant hate, but now, with so many people murdered, it seemed there was revolution on the tongues of everyone.
“The wrong thing maybe,” a new voice sneered, picking up the poster from the table. Delicate hands tore it in half. Heechul tore the pieces in half again, delicate fingers oddly strong. “This is the most stupid thing in the world.” He pointed at Kyuhyun. “You are an idiot for being so involved.”
Heechul was one a dear friend to them all, and Han Geng, his boyfriend, was Zhou Mi’s friend from China. Han Geng was calm where Heechul was vibrant, quiet where he was loud. They were an odd couple, but no one else could put up with Heechul quite the same way Han Geng would (willingly).
“My sister died because of it, ge.” Zhou Mi said resolutely, his eyes hard as he and Heechul glared at each other. The smile on the Chinese man’s lips seemed to become iron hard. “If mutants are capable of something like that, who knows what will happen if a mutant comes along intent on ruling the world.”
Heechul sneered, his lip lifting up into a snarl. “Kind of like what would happen if a regular human got enough weapon power to exterminate people who aren’t white with blond hair, I’d wager.”
“I don’t think it’s the fault of mutants.” Han Geng said quietly, cutting into the argument and resolving it quickly. “Most mutants don’t want to kill anyone.” His hands were shaking, Kyuhyun watched Heechul squeeze his fingers comfortingly. “That little girl hadn’t wanted to kill anyone at all, she just wanted to live. She hadn’t known anything at all.”
The table was hushed. Kyuhyun watched Zhou Mi bite back his tongue. Han Geng had lost his entire family to it, as they had been visiting the Sichuan panda zoo when the accident happened. No one could say anything else.
There was a silence, broken by a staggered breath Han Geng took. “I’m a shapeshifter.” He revealed in a reserved tone, his voice half choked because he knew exactly what they could do to him. Kyuhyun’s heart froze in his chest, skipping a beat. He found it odd how Han Geng didn’t say ‘I’m a mutant’ but treated himself like an individual. Kyuhyun glanced down at his pale hands.
“H-how,” Zhou Mi sucked in a breath and made Kyuhyun look up in alarm at the quivering tone. “How could you just say that?”
“Idiot!” Heechul snapped, but Kyuhyun could tell he was surprised that Han Geng had revealed it. “Why should he hide who he is?” But there was worry clouding his dark eyes. When he looked into Kyuhyun’s dark ones, the young man suddenly realized that Heechul didn’t trust them.
Han Geng just sighed quietly before the tension was broken at the table by Donghae bombarding him with questions. Kyuhyun mixed his food together on his plate. When he looked up, it was to Heechul’s warning eyes. He looked away and caught Kibum’s dark, emotionless gaze. It was completely unreadable, but it tore him to the bone. He had to leave without finishing his meal, telling a troubled Zhou Mi that he’d see him at the meeting.
-x-
The meeting was held in the university courtyard as usual. Since the president had called in sick, Kyuhyun was the one in charge of the discussion this evening. Stepping up to the podium, he looked over the gathering of young students just like him except they were just human. Trembling, he gripped it, the confession of Han Geng earlier shifting in his mind.
They were all bonded together through a mutual fear of something. For the humans, they were bonded in this group because they didn’t know about mutants. While Kyuhyun was afraid of everything that mutants could do-would do. What he knew he himself could do.
“Today I found a mutant on our very own campus.” He heard Zhou Mi suck in a breath and avoided looking at him. If Kyuhyun was ever going to convince himself - and others - that he was not a monster, he needed to be just like them. “Han Geng, third year.” The words whisked themselves out of his mouth and over the hush of a crowd. His stomach plummeted at the enraged cries. Han Geng was a star basketball player and extremely well known around campus.
Han Geng was in Kyuhyun’s circle of friends.
A mutant, just like he was.
Kyuhyun condemned his fate with just a few words.
-x-
At twelve, Kyuhyun hit puberty. As a young child, he was just like all the others, the changing voice, the acne, the hair everywhere, the thing’s going on down there. He had an infatuation with video games, an infatuation that never quite left him.
One time, he was feeling rather lazy to sit up and get his game controller. He reached his hand out, wishing that he could just summon it to him. Then the queerest thing happened.
It actually did.
He stared at the controller as it floated towards him, raising itself up from his floor and gently entering his outstretched hand.
He dropped it with a scream and ran into the bathroom, wide eyed, his heart beating frantically in his chest like a rabbits. Running water over his face, he stared at the reflection his white face in the mirror. His breathing slowly returned to normal, shock replaced by curiosity.
He focused on the small cabinet door over the toilet, compelling it to open. It did, swinging on its hinges. Next, he tried elevating the medicine inside. The containers got about half way across the room when a sudden headache overwhelmed him and he dropped them, shattering glass and pills against the white tile floor.
Kyuhyun woke up with a splitting headache and staggered breath. His vision focused on the dark ceiling and he moaned, rolling over and groping around the bed for his comforter. He found it and pulled it up to his face, muffling his pants in its softness.
The sudden comfort of another person’s hand on his shaking shoulder made him freeze. He contemplated feigning sleep until the other called out his name. He lifted his head, staring blearily at the silhouette of Zhou Mi through the nighttime gloom.
“Kui Xian?” Zhou Mi’s voice had an uneven crackling, unused from sleep. “Are you okay?”
The question slipped out of his lips before he even knew he wanted to ask it. “What would you do if I told I was a mutant?”
Zhou Mi’s form froze and his hand retracted. After a moment, during which Kyuhyun thought he was going to sigh and leave, he was surprised when the Chinese man sat down on his bed, recalling the way it tilted towards him.
“I don’t know.” Zhou Mi murmured, bowing his head. “I don’t really know what to think anymore.”
Kyuhyun drew in a breath, his body tensing. “Do you-“
“Are you?” Zhou Mi asked, and his eyes flashed from the light outside when his head turned towards him. “Are you a mutant Kui Xian?”
He resisted shrinking back against the bedcovers and closed his eyes, releasing a short breath. “No,” he lied, pretending he didn’t know why his heart was constricting in his chest.
There was a light shuffling, and Zhou Mi pressed one hand against one side of him and the other touching the back of his neck. There was a hushed whisper of breath against his skin and then, their lips met in a union that sent Kyuhyun’s crushed heart spiraling through the clouds.
The tall man wrapped himself around Kyuhyun’s form, sliding his long arms around him and pulling him to his chest, giving Kyuhyun a sense of security he’d never known before. All of his life, he’d done nothing but keep his mutant powers a secret. Not even his parents knew. The idea scared him more than any other; that he’d have the power to destroy someone so easily, that there were people in the world that had the power to just kill because they could.
“Thank you for being truthful,” Zhou Mi murmured, raising a hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear. Kyuhyun closed his eyes against the feeling. Once Zhou Mi had fallen asleep, tears soaked his pillow, running down his cheeks and making his body quake. His entire life was nothing but a lie.
-x-
In the central courtyard between the class buildings, there was a large tree. It was actually rather beautiful when it was in bloom. White flowers littered its branches in the summer and in the autumn, falling and scattering in the wind attaching to the fabric of students clothes as they travelled beneath it.
Now, it seemed anything but beautiful. Kyuhyun looked, because he could do nothing else. He stared at the crimson liquid dripping down the stems of the tree. The body of his friend, the one everyone loved for his kind and calm aura. Han Geng - Han Geng’s body-suspended in the tree, a thick rope around his awkwardly angled neck. His lips were pale with death, face ashen. The longer he stared the more he realized how much this was to do with his own cowardice.
The longer he stared into those dead, blank eyes, the more he realized the price for telling the truth. Members of the anti-mutant club surrounded him-campus extremists following a common cause; murderers. He had arrived late, but not late enough.
Sound rushed back as he retreated from his tunnel of horror. Just one night ago, he’d lied to Zhou Mi about being a mutant. Now he was watching an execution. Chants of ‘kill the monster’ were still flowing through the air.
“You’re all bastards!”
The scream, the terrible, heart shredding, broken revelation that spoke truths that Kyuhyun realized too late, tore through the air. He swallowed, pushing forward through the crowds until he was staring down, with dark eyes, at Kim Heechul.
Kim Heechul was a loud mouth, a surly man who protected the people he cared for. Severely misunderstood by most, he made people either love or hate him. He was the smartest man Kyuhyun had ever known. Heechul’s eyes snagged his dark ones and Kyuhyun knew that he made the connection.
Lunching forward with a snarl, Heechul’s nails only just nicked Kyuhyun’s pale cheek before he was shoved back by the members of the club, slammed against the tree trunk his own boyfriend was now hanging from. The man collapsed on the ground and only then did Kyuhyun notice how horribly he’d been hurt.
Blood tainted Heechul’s fingers from sores caused by the chains they’d used to drag them to this spot. His shirt had a large crimson stain across the front. His legs had shredded, and his usually perfect hair limp and ratted.
“Cho Kyuhyun,” Heechul spat blood at his feet, laughing, crying. “You’re the monster.” His body may have been in more pain than Kyuhyun could possibly know, but his eyes were clear as sunlight on a shining summer day.
Someone had a gun on them. Before the shot destroyed him, Kyuhyun let his gaze drop, unable to meet that strong look, that knowing, that pain. He knew the lie he was spreading, he knew the hate he was spreading. He knew what would happen to him.
The air was oddly hushed as the shot cracked air.
-x-
“Get out.” When Kyuhyun came in through the doors, Kibum was waiting for him. He stopped, freezing on the threshold.
“What?”
“You heard me,” Kibum pointed out the door. “Get the fuck out.”
Kyuhyun stared at him, noting the red-rimmed eyes and the pale, pasty skin.
Kibum grabbed him by the shirt collar and started to bodily shove him out when Kyuhyun didn’t move.
“What are you doing?” Zhou Mi asked, coming out of the room they shared with a confused face. Kyuhyun’s eyes were dead and blank when they looked up at him.
“I’m throwing him out,” Kibum snarled, “he’s a fucking bastard, a traitor, a killer.”
Zhou Mi frowned, and Kyuhyun thought that it made his face all wrong, a smile should never stop shining there. He dropped his gaze to the floor because he knew that Kibum was correct. The constant lie he lived, the front he placed in front of his face. It was all just a lie and it hurt, killed him more each day.
“Kui Xian didn’t kill them…” Zhou Mi murmured faithfully. “He had his reasons…”
“Did he ever tell you?” Kibum hissed, and Kyuhyun’s head snapped up in alarm. Kibum’s strong arm shook him hard, making his head burn, temples lacing with throbbing pain.
“He’s a mutant.”
Kibum released him, and his body dropped to the ground like a stone. His back hit the wall with a thud and he stared up into Zhou Mi’s clouded eyes where he was met by the ghastly look of betrayal.
He’d never seen eyes like that. They were so haunted. Dark grooves had carved themselves under his eyes, his lips had chafed and his face was pale. There was no smile. “Is that true?” Zhou Mi asked, his shoulders sagging.
Kyuhyun nodded slowly, as though the joints of his neck were rusted out. His heart had been pounding hard in his chest before but now it didn’t make so much as a sound. Silence filled the world, so quiet that it was as if the whole universe had just stopped, standing still on its entire existence for this one moment.
Then it was over. Zhou Mi drew his gaze away from him and he left the apartment. Kibum scoffed and turned back to his room where he was comforting Donghae. A dry sob tore through his lips. When he closed his eyes his mind brought him back to the moment before Han Geng was murdered. The Chinese had smiled, his eyes were calm even though they were frightened.
Kyuhyun had to ask why he was smiling.
“Even though I’m dying, at least I’m dying for being myself, rather than an imitation of what I am not.”
It didn’t take long until he was found, laying there against the graffiti-ridden wall in front of his apartment as he was. Kyuhyun felt broken even before they got hold of him. This time it was Zhou Mi who’s eyes he was looking into. The haunted eyes of the one he loved. If he hadn’t lied from the beginning, perhaps things would have been different. In the arms of the merciless anti-mutant club, he knew that it was too late.
“I’m sorry Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi said quietly. Kyuhyun had been sitting alone in the closet they had stuck him in until that night. Apparently, there was going to be a large reception for his death. He looked up when Zhou Mi entered the room.
“Why don’t you try to break out?” Zhou Mi asked, his tone dead with a lilt of curiosity.
Kyuhyun looked up at him through his long dark hair. “I don’t see the point.”
“Why?”
“Because now that everyone knows what I am, I don’t need to run away.”
“Kui Xian,” the taller man knelt down to his level, placing a palm on his knee. “I never cared that you were a mutant, or that you were hiding.” When Kyuhyun didn’t look at him he grabbed his face between his hands and forcefully tilted it towards him. “I cared that you killed innocent people.”
“Do you hate me?” Kyuhyun asked when their eyes met.
“I thought I didn’t, once.” Then he kissed him, one last time. Zhou Mi’s lips were as cold and as hard as granite. The rope they fastened around his neck was rough and uninviting as the crowd he was suddenly standing before. He never realized how frightening an execution was until he was the one being killed.
As his old friends and allies jeered at him, he couldn’t help but smile. At least he finally learned the answer to his own little mystery. For the first time in months, Kyuhyun had slept without nightmares. For the first time since puberty he smiled his first real smile.
His eyes searched the crowd until they locked on the eyes of one unhappy person. He offered his smile to Zhou Mi. He watched the way the light died in those eyes. But Zhou Mi wasn’t dying and he had no final words to spare.
“I’ll always love you.” There was a moment in which the world stood completely still, everything froze, and all was silent. He spoke the words he had been afraid to say, and then he died.
-x-
Zhou Mi could remember, even months later, after the University put in an order because there were too many people being killed, on a cool fall night when the trees outside were dying and he’d entered the apartment he once shared with a student named Cho Kyuhyun. He remembered hugging that shaking body close after two of their close friends died. He could remember thinking that it would be possible to love Cho Kyuhyun. He remembered thinking he hated him.
He closed his eyes as he sat down on the long ago abandoned bed, tracing the outline of someone who used to sleep there with his eyes. The sheets were cool, crisp and untouched beneath his fingers. An image of the young man smiling as they pulled the stool out from under him flashed through his mind.
It was months later, and he finally, finally realized. A smile dawned upon his face for the first time in months. His world had endured so much loss, so much hardship. His family, his friends, the people of China, Han Geng, Heechul…they’d all been innocent, they’d all been living.
A few years ago, a little girl had been at recess in Sichuan. Her friend stole her ribbon. The teasing escalated and she grew more and more frustrated. She clenched her small fists and opened her mouth to scream when something inside of her struck a chord. She blew herself, her friends, and millions of innocent people up without even knowing how or why.
Zhou Mi pulled Kyuhyun’s pillow to his chest, circling it with his arms and resting his face against it. He inhaled deeply, taking in the slight scent of spices and sugar cookies that had faded from time. Soon it would disappear all together. For the longest time, Zhou Mi had filled Kyuhyun’s world with smiles, hoping that someday they would rub off and make the other do the same. But it never worked, and finally, too late, Zhou Mi realized why.
It was impossible to be happy and hide your true self from the world. He wondered what would have happened, had there been different choices made. Then, a smile crossed his face and he put the pillow back gently, picked himself up from the vacant bed. He carefully pulled creases out of the comforter and left the room, shutting the door behind himself.
On the night of an execution, months ago now, Cho Kyuhyun whispered his last words, thinking that no one could hear him. However, in that moment, time stood still for Zhou Mi. Everything was silent. The words easily reached his ears.
Moreover, in his heart, Zhou Mi was finally able to admit it, past all the pain of a lie, all the hurt caused by death. He was finally able to admit to himself that he loved a demon.
Once upon a time, after an innocent little girl made a large mistake, after a young man lied to others for a chance to live, another tried to lie to his own heart.
With a soft, sad smile, Zhou Mi locked the door with a bundle of roses in his hand. It is better this way, being able to smile truly, even if no one else in the world could pull of a smile. There were many things worth regretting, there were many things that made him cry. Nevertheless, in the end of it all, if he could still smile, then he considered his life well lived.
As he passed the graffiti mark at the bottom of the stairs of their apartment, he couldn’t help but let his smile grow even wider as he understood. Even hated, it was better to be who you were born to be.
fin.
word count: 4,272