this is what insecurity does

[kitxkat]

sometimes i feel like too much of a tomboy to connect with any of my friends that are girls. it's frustrating but not really in an aggravated sense. i feel more at a loss like i'm missing out. i don't know what to talk about because i am into video games and what seems like stupid boy things. however, i like crocheting and i'm learning to sew, but that's really only so interesting to talk about. i could be exaggerating, but either way i still feel awkward at times. maybe i'm over thinking it and trying too hard. for instance, i thought maybe i am too worried about not being liked or someone feeling the need to hang out with me as an obligation rather than a preference. at times, i don't really have anything to say and would rather just enjoy certain moments in general. the silence makes me uncomfortable i guess, and i feel if i don't say anything there is something basically wrong with me which is stupid. at the same time though silence is what i'm used to considering andrew is at school all during the week. i've noticed i'm more of an observer rather than a conversationalist. since i'm not very confident in holding a conversation, i try to show how i feel in different ways. for example, i usually like to hug when i come across someone and when i leave them because i care about people. i do. i swear. it's my way of saying hey i care about you no matter how i actually or seemed to come across. plus, i just think hugging is overall more personal and powerful since it's an action instead of simple words that can be forgotten. maybe i'm just too shy? i don't know. i was hoping i could vent this out, so i wouldn't have to feel this way..... ever again.

funny, i feel like such a girl complaining about this but whatever.