(no subject)
I skipped much of the trappings of the holidays this year. Right before Thanksgiving I broke-up with my boyfriend. Its hard to feel like you're in a relationship with someone you never talk to.
I did spend Thanksgiving with my family. I had no interest in Christmas. There was no place in my apartment for a tree and there was no gift exchange this year, given or received. I did buy a bag of toys to donate to a toy drive at my job, which was fun to shop for. I didn't take any time off, and beside the toy drive, the only shopping I did was for myself. It was a selfish way to spend the holiday, but I make no apologies for it.
Christmas day was spent at a friend's house, essentially hiding. I spoke to my family by phone, but didn't want to see them. I chide myself for moments such as these, knowing that there may--will come a time when I regret the missed opportunities to spend time with them. But the past year has left me weary and wary of blood relations. I suppose everyone feels disappointment with family on occasion. I'm torn between a desire to to help, to try to fix the problems with them and extreme frustration with their behavior. My siblings have not demonstrated they are capable of taking care of themselves and my parents behave selfishly and irrationally.
I had a very long conversation Christmas day with my Dad. I told him many things I've been meaning to say for a while, mostly about how he relates to his family and vice-versa. I realized I am guilty of not viewing my parents as individuals with adult thoughts and emotions outside of their role as parents. I know this is something children often have a blind-spot for but I don't think that excuses it. By the same token, my father is only recently realizing that he can't address his adult children the same way he did when we were younger. I pointed out to him that even when his intentions are good, his tone and attitude can be off-putting. The conversation lasted nearly 4 hours and there were only a few contentious moments. It needed to happen, and I'm glad I finally got up the courage to talk to him. It was the follow up to a conversation I had with my mom about a week or so prior.
New Years Eve I worked, then went home. Although I had an earnest desire to go dancing, every large venue that I could find via Internet searching in New York wanted one or two hundred dollars of my money before they would permit me the honor of shaking my ass on their premises. That coupled with the reluctance to venture into the unknown alone kept me home. Thankfully, Twilight Zone marathons were meant for recluses, and they even had the decency to end the 11:30 episode a few minutes early so I could switch to New Years Rockin' Eve with Dick Clark just before the ball dropped in Time Square.
New Years Day I cleaned out my dressers and closet and sorted laundry.
I don't do New Years resolutions (I'm lying). I find it a little strange and arbitrary to decide that anything that I thought was worth doing at the end of 2008 should be put off until 2009. Which isn't to say I don't have plans for 2009. There will be financial changes with my job and around March when things are settled it will be time for a review and assessment of my financial health. I'm canceling my cable television and plan to finish a home entertainment setup powered by my computer and with content from hulu, network sites, iTunes, etc. I'm going to try and keep it legal as much as possible, at least as first. I'm also going to start going to the YMCA in my neighborhood, but I will likely avoid the early year crowds and wait until February when the New Years Resolvers drop off and the winter blues are starting to take their toll on me. Admittedly, I may just be putting it off as an excuse, but I've had success starting a work out regiment in February before.
Hopefully, I will get permission to take off next week. I'm a bit burnt from work and need time to decompress. (Continued next post).
I did spend Thanksgiving with my family. I had no interest in Christmas. There was no place in my apartment for a tree and there was no gift exchange this year, given or received. I did buy a bag of toys to donate to a toy drive at my job, which was fun to shop for. I didn't take any time off, and beside the toy drive, the only shopping I did was for myself. It was a selfish way to spend the holiday, but I make no apologies for it.
Christmas day was spent at a friend's house, essentially hiding. I spoke to my family by phone, but didn't want to see them. I chide myself for moments such as these, knowing that there may--will come a time when I regret the missed opportunities to spend time with them. But the past year has left me weary and wary of blood relations. I suppose everyone feels disappointment with family on occasion. I'm torn between a desire to to help, to try to fix the problems with them and extreme frustration with their behavior. My siblings have not demonstrated they are capable of taking care of themselves and my parents behave selfishly and irrationally.
I had a very long conversation Christmas day with my Dad. I told him many things I've been meaning to say for a while, mostly about how he relates to his family and vice-versa. I realized I am guilty of not viewing my parents as individuals with adult thoughts and emotions outside of their role as parents. I know this is something children often have a blind-spot for but I don't think that excuses it. By the same token, my father is only recently realizing that he can't address his adult children the same way he did when we were younger. I pointed out to him that even when his intentions are good, his tone and attitude can be off-putting. The conversation lasted nearly 4 hours and there were only a few contentious moments. It needed to happen, and I'm glad I finally got up the courage to talk to him. It was the follow up to a conversation I had with my mom about a week or so prior.
New Years Eve I worked, then went home. Although I had an earnest desire to go dancing, every large venue that I could find via Internet searching in New York wanted one or two hundred dollars of my money before they would permit me the honor of shaking my ass on their premises. That coupled with the reluctance to venture into the unknown alone kept me home. Thankfully, Twilight Zone marathons were meant for recluses, and they even had the decency to end the 11:30 episode a few minutes early so I could switch to New Years Rockin' Eve with Dick Clark just before the ball dropped in Time Square.
New Years Day I cleaned out my dressers and closet and sorted laundry.
I don't do New Years resolutions (I'm lying). I find it a little strange and arbitrary to decide that anything that I thought was worth doing at the end of 2008 should be put off until 2009. Which isn't to say I don't have plans for 2009. There will be financial changes with my job and around March when things are settled it will be time for a review and assessment of my financial health. I'm canceling my cable television and plan to finish a home entertainment setup powered by my computer and with content from hulu, network sites, iTunes, etc. I'm going to try and keep it legal as much as possible, at least as first. I'm also going to start going to the YMCA in my neighborhood, but I will likely avoid the early year crowds and wait until February when the New Years Resolvers drop off and the winter blues are starting to take their toll on me. Admittedly, I may just be putting it off as an excuse, but I've had success starting a work out regiment in February before.
Hopefully, I will get permission to take off next week. I'm a bit burnt from work and need time to decompress. (Continued next post).