(no subject)
I am so totally and completely sexually frustrated. And there are people I could have sex with, but that's not the problem. The problem is, I don't want a casual thing anymore. I've been doing the casual thing, for a long time, and it gets old. Only I'm still really horny, so I still tend to do the casual thing, even though it's not really what I want.
I was partying with some architecture people on Tuesday (last day of classes) and was talking to this one guy that I've kinda had a crush on for a little while but he has a girlfriend, so I never thought too deeply into liking him. But anyway, people were signing a piece of a trellis for the girl who lived in the house (she had a trellis in her last design and then found part of a real one in the trash near her house, destiny?) and so I drew the sign that I made for my alter ego on the trellis. The boy, we'll call him Mastadon (inside joke), asked me what it was, so I explained about my alter ego, and how she's basically the extremes of myself but I tucked her way down inside a long time ago. And he told me I should bring her back out, let her be the real me, and honestly, I've always wanted to. Caela's a badass, that's kind of the problem. She's a bad girl and she likes to get in trouble and do things she knows she shouldn't. But that got me on a roll, so she came out that night, I brought this other boy home for a bit, yada yada (not yada yadaing sex, just some fun) and now I don't think I can stop her. She wants to be free, and I gave her the opening to start taking over again. And I don't think I really want to stop her. I mean, I'm going to be completely detached from everyone and everything I know this summer (semester at sea), so why the hell not?
Uff, I feel really apathetic about the whole finals thing. It's been hard for me to get motivated lately. At least I did some research and started my paper finally. Still really hard to concentrate. Hence why I'm here. I'm feeling very very alone, and melancholy. I am alone. I don't have a "person" anymore. One best friend is in England until the end of the summer, the other one I hardly talk to anymore, and I have no one here. I mean I have plenty of friends here, but none of the "my person" nature.
At least its grey and rainy outside. If it was bright and sunshiney I think I'd have to shoot myself.
And now for a song, because it suits me:
Look at me,
And tell me who I am.
Why I am
What I am.
Call me a fool,
And it's true I am.
I don't know
Who I am.
It's such a shame,
I'm such a sham.
No one knows
Who I am.
Am I the face of the future?
Am I the face of the past?
Am I the one who must finish last?
Look at me,
And tell me who I am,
Why I am
What I am.
Will I survive?
Who will give a damn,
If no one knows
Who I am?
Nobody knows -
Not even you -
No one knows who I am...