Hello Caffeine Dependency!(!!!!!!!)
So i started drinking energy drinks. Rockstar Juiced, to be specific. The purple ones, which actually taste significantly less like bull piss than you might imagine. Oh, except that i found out that one of the main ingredients of energy drinks is artificial bull bile. And, uhh, in my book, bull bile and bull piss are basically the same thing, so, i'm sort of reevaluating my new replacement for sleep.
But right now i have to read Walden and i feel so sleepy, so bull bile it is! But i'm also making coffee, too, so we'll see who wins.
It depresses the hell out of me to think that about three people are reading this. I mean, i'd keep it up if i thought i wasn't just talking to myself, which i spent about two hours doing this weekend via my journal. It was great. We talked about how the future is scary and memories only serve to torture us. And how i don't want to sleep with Kevin or anyone anymore.
Which is sort of a strange thing for me because the whole "reproduce reproduce reproduce" chunk of my brain has been going strong since like, age six, so to be able to walk through campus and not be even mildly phased by anyone is pretty weird, but also kind of okay.
I want to say that i'm a better person for not being as boy-crazy but i'm not sure that's true, because i think i'm a significantly less exciting person now.
Here's how things are right now. I'm taking a human sexuality class, non-credit, for $40 at this community center. One of the foundations of good relationships, according to the instructor, is "maintaining a strong sense of self, movement towards differentiation and autonomy, and comfort with existential aloneness." So that's sort of what this chunk is right now. I am spending a lot of time alone and with my head.
I'm also spending a lot of time with rachel, which is cool because i've never spent this much time with a girl before. It's almost like being in a relationship but without the whole sex thing, which sort of concerns me because i don't think i could handle two relationships at any one point. I don't understand how people manage their social lives. Main point is, if i had a boyfriend i wouldn't have Rachel because i wouldn't know how to fit both in.
But that's not really a problem because Rachel's going to get a boyfriend so things are going to change anyway.
But anyway. Being alone with myself is fun because i get to really be content with being an adult. I was too busy last semester being depressed to really appreciate living off-campus and cooking my own food and going to the grocery store and cleaning and reading and going places alone. But being content isn't that great. It's kind of like playing the sims. I'm always really into playing the sims, but then when i look back at the end of the day, or week, or summer, and think about all the time i just spent playing the sims i'm unimpressed and generally bored with my life.
Content just doesn't cut it.
(Just so you know, i chose the coffee, and for once i didn't put a ton of sugar in it. In fact, i put no sugar in it. But... i did put like, half an inch of cream, so it's basically white. Oh well, i'm trying to drink coffee like a hardcore coffee-drinker. It's just happening in stages.)
More later. But only if i think someone's reading.
Now, Walden.
But right now i have to read Walden and i feel so sleepy, so bull bile it is! But i'm also making coffee, too, so we'll see who wins.
It depresses the hell out of me to think that about three people are reading this. I mean, i'd keep it up if i thought i wasn't just talking to myself, which i spent about two hours doing this weekend via my journal. It was great. We talked about how the future is scary and memories only serve to torture us. And how i don't want to sleep with Kevin or anyone anymore.
Which is sort of a strange thing for me because the whole "reproduce reproduce reproduce" chunk of my brain has been going strong since like, age six, so to be able to walk through campus and not be even mildly phased by anyone is pretty weird, but also kind of okay.
I want to say that i'm a better person for not being as boy-crazy but i'm not sure that's true, because i think i'm a significantly less exciting person now.
Here's how things are right now. I'm taking a human sexuality class, non-credit, for $40 at this community center. One of the foundations of good relationships, according to the instructor, is "maintaining a strong sense of self, movement towards differentiation and autonomy, and comfort with existential aloneness." So that's sort of what this chunk is right now. I am spending a lot of time alone and with my head.
I'm also spending a lot of time with rachel, which is cool because i've never spent this much time with a girl before. It's almost like being in a relationship but without the whole sex thing, which sort of concerns me because i don't think i could handle two relationships at any one point. I don't understand how people manage their social lives. Main point is, if i had a boyfriend i wouldn't have Rachel because i wouldn't know how to fit both in.
But that's not really a problem because Rachel's going to get a boyfriend so things are going to change anyway.
But anyway. Being alone with myself is fun because i get to really be content with being an adult. I was too busy last semester being depressed to really appreciate living off-campus and cooking my own food and going to the grocery store and cleaning and reading and going places alone. But being content isn't that great. It's kind of like playing the sims. I'm always really into playing the sims, but then when i look back at the end of the day, or week, or summer, and think about all the time i just spent playing the sims i'm unimpressed and generally bored with my life.
Content just doesn't cut it.
(Just so you know, i chose the coffee, and for once i didn't put a ton of sugar in it. In fact, i put no sugar in it. But... i did put like, half an inch of cream, so it's basically white. Oh well, i'm trying to drink coffee like a hardcore coffee-drinker. It's just happening in stages.)
More later. But only if i think someone's reading.
Now, Walden.