Tired, in more ways than one
I'm mostly just kind of angry right now - it doesn't help that my throat has been sore/raw for six days now, my foot started hurting three days ago and hasn't gotten any better, and in generally I am grumpy for feminine cycle-related reasons.
I also really don't like being disappointed. I wasn't terribly invested, so I'm not as terribly upset as I could be, but I would just like to get some feels off my chest about how effing difficult it is to find people online (or in general) that I even remotely feel inclined to connect with.
I mean, I'm still not actively looking. But I glance at the profiles that POF sends me, and occasionally I favorite one that sounds vaguely literate, and on an even rarer occasion, one of those guys will message me. So this one did, and we traded a couple of messages expressing a general interest in getting to know one another better, and so I invited him to add me on a chat program so that we could chat about meeting sometime.
My thoughts on a first meet with a stranger, btw? Casual meet. During the day, public place, meet there, short meeting, decide whether there's any spark worth meeting again. Spend some time getting to know one another on a chat program before meeting helps, but if that step hasn't been taken, then definitely keep the first meet reallll casual-like.
So anyway, this guy - Geoff - adds me on Skype. The first line of the conversation below is the line he sent along with the invitation to add. He had offered to pick me up when I mentioned (in our messages on POF) that I don't drive and we should pick a place convenient to a bus line. So I was approaching this conversation with a lot of thoughts that I kind of wanted to tackle one at a time, but the responses from him, I just wasn't feeling were terribly engaged... well, you'll see.
[1:55:54 PM] ixvivxi: Hi Dana! hope you are doing well. thinking Middle Way cafe maybe tomorrow or Monday? I can pick you up or we can meet somewhere closer to where you live.
[5:30:09 PM] Dana Bailey: Dana Bailey has shared contact details with ixvivxi.
[5:31:18 PM] Dana Bailey: Hey there.
[5:33:42 PM] Dana Bailey: Not sure if you're there or not, but I have many thoughts regarding Middle Way. It's a great cafe, but it's likely to be crowded this weekend because of the holiday
[5:34:50 PM] ixvivxi: I like the food but I know what you mean... where do you prefer?
[5:35:21 PM] Dana Bailey: I don't know. Middleway would be fine but maybe later in the week? I can't imagine there would be many places that aren't crowded
[5:35:57 PM] ixvivxi: Hmm.... you like quiet cafes? :)
[5:38:36 PM] Dana Bailey: I suppose. More than that, though, the wait is likely to be insane at Middleway on a weekend. Just trying to decide what works best. I had half a thought that my roommate ought to come along - she's off work through next week - and she's okay with hanging out at another table, but she's the one who pointed out that the crowds might be an issue.
[5:38:52 PM] Dana Bailey: I'm assuming you're working/otherwise busy later in the week, then?
[5:39:41 PM] ixvivxi: Oh, I work whenever I like... I'm not busy right now. What is your roommate like?
[5:40:22 PM] Dana Bailey: She's one of my best friends, and I trust her. And the ride would be appreciated if she does feel like coming along.
[5:42:08 PM] ixvivxi: I imagine that the night scene is going to be pretty wild this evening. Say... you had a bunch of questions, and I didn't answer all of them, thinking we would get to them later... now is your opportunity to ask whatever you like before we meet.
[5:45:35 PM] Dana Bailey: I can't think of them right at the moment, I'm sorry. I think we're actually talking about heading out to do something, though I'm not sure what.
[5:47:05 PM] ixvivxi: Okay... I'm looking for friends but I am not looking for friends who don't hang out, just fyi.
[5:50:29 PM] Dana Bailey: Yeah, I read that on your profile. Here's the thing, though, I've never met you. So I'm not volunteering to jump in your car and just go, and right at the moment, I'm tired and sick and not terribly full of ideas. So I'll think about what/when else we could do, and when I get back from whatever it is we're headed out to do, I will get back to you. I think the best plan is probably to do Middleway later in the week, after the New Year's craziness has died down some
[5:51:09 PM] Dana Bailey: Heading out now, though, so I'll catch you again soon. :)
[5:51:28 PM] ixvivxi: I don't think so.
[5:51:58 PM] ixvivxi: You are "tired and sick" and heading out. Too many red flags. Have a nice life.
First of all: Anyone who knows me, knows that I HATE when I ask a question and it is ignored, or indirectly answered. When I ask a question, the next response (discounting delays for timing, that's fine) should be an answer to that question, which can include "I don't know" or "Can I answer that later?" etc. So when I said "maybe later in the week?" for Middleway, I expected him to say, "later in the week doesn't work," or "I prefer to meet sooner rather than later," or "would it be okay if we met sooner than that and just pick something else to do?" But he ignored my comment/question/suggestion, instead choosing to redirect the conversation by asking me whether I like quiet cafes.
So I tried steering the conversation back on track by suggesting that he was perhaps busy later, to which he responded that he wasn't. But still not response on whether meeting later would be fine, unless the comment about not wanting friends that don't hang out was his response to that, in which case, wtf? I just met you, dude. We've traded a few messages. I became aware of your existence at all just a few days ago. And even if you were my bestest friend in the whole wide world, if my bestest friend said "let's hang out in the next two days" and I was sick and tired and not feeling up to doing what they had suggested, I might still suggest doing it later because... I don't operate on YOUR schedule, Mr. Dating Site Guy.
Also, aside from the "not answering my questions" frustration, this guy's responses just seemed... scattered and irrelevant. What on earth does the night life tonight have to do with what we were talking about? The best I can come up with is that perhaps he was hinting that he would rather meet tonight, but I am definitely not the spontaneous type. And then IN the same paragraph, it's suddenly "oh yeah and btw ask questions about me," and I don't remember saying that I had a ton of questions for him. I had been about to say I had to go anyway, so I took the opportunity to do so.
And finally, calling me on "too many red flags" because being tired and sick seems incongruous to the idea of going out to do something just seems presumptuous and assholeish. For one thing: You know where we went? To Starbucks. To the DRIVE THRU at Starbucks. I rode in the car, and the most effort I expended for that trip was to put my boots on. Also, going out was Richelle's suggestion to try to help me feel better. She figured that we'd been shut in the house all day and getting up and getting some air and some circulation would help me feel less blah.
For another thing, that's a very precarious judgement call. It might be a red flag if I said I was going out clubbing/drinking, maybe? Sure, it would be a sign that I don't have good judgement/don't take very good care of myself. But instead of tossing off a "have a nice life" and blocking me, a rational person might have stopped to say "If you're sick, shouldn't you stay in and rest?" and then I would have had the opportunity to say that I'm not terribly sick, just fighting a sore throat, that we're just going to go get some fresh air to see if that helps, that we won't be out long, and... here's kind of the big thing... that it takes a lot less energy for me to go along with my longtime trusted friends on a quick trip than it does for me to deal with new people.
Honestly, a lot of what this boils down to is "last word syndrome." It just pisses me off that I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about the way he was responding to me, but before I had time to address that, suddenly *I* am being black-flagged.
I know. It's a sign that I'm better off without this crazy person. I make myself feel a bit better by telling myself that he probably doesn't have many friends to run off and tarnish my reputation *to*, but it's not *him* specifically that upsets me so much as in the long term, how daunting the idea of dating is, every time something like this happens. Every time some asshole makes a judgement call and cuts me off before I've had a chance to gauge and/or make a real impression, I just think, what else can I do? What else can I put in my profile, what can I look for, what's my better strategy here?
This isn't complaining, necessarily, more just philosophy. I'm not terribly proactive about dating, partly because it's not my priority - but partly because I can't answer these questions.
Part of my issue tonight, too, is that I am getting impatient about the job hunt thing. I'm in that limbo/waiting stage again, which I always hate. There are lots of outstanding applications and I'm waiting to hear back about the jobs I interviewed for. I do have a couple of things that I need to do, hunt-wise, and I'll get back into seriously more next week, after the New Year. But in the meantime, I am just waiting... waiting to hear back, waiting for my throat to clear up and my foot to chill out.
Sigh.
I also really don't like being disappointed. I wasn't terribly invested, so I'm not as terribly upset as I could be, but I would just like to get some feels off my chest about how effing difficult it is to find people online (or in general) that I even remotely feel inclined to connect with.
I mean, I'm still not actively looking. But I glance at the profiles that POF sends me, and occasionally I favorite one that sounds vaguely literate, and on an even rarer occasion, one of those guys will message me. So this one did, and we traded a couple of messages expressing a general interest in getting to know one another better, and so I invited him to add me on a chat program so that we could chat about meeting sometime.
My thoughts on a first meet with a stranger, btw? Casual meet. During the day, public place, meet there, short meeting, decide whether there's any spark worth meeting again. Spend some time getting to know one another on a chat program before meeting helps, but if that step hasn't been taken, then definitely keep the first meet reallll casual-like.
So anyway, this guy - Geoff - adds me on Skype. The first line of the conversation below is the line he sent along with the invitation to add. He had offered to pick me up when I mentioned (in our messages on POF) that I don't drive and we should pick a place convenient to a bus line. So I was approaching this conversation with a lot of thoughts that I kind of wanted to tackle one at a time, but the responses from him, I just wasn't feeling were terribly engaged... well, you'll see.
[1:55:54 PM] ixvivxi: Hi Dana! hope you are doing well. thinking Middle Way cafe maybe tomorrow or Monday? I can pick you up or we can meet somewhere closer to where you live.
[5:30:09 PM] Dana Bailey: Dana Bailey has shared contact details with ixvivxi.
[5:31:18 PM] Dana Bailey: Hey there.
[5:33:42 PM] Dana Bailey: Not sure if you're there or not, but I have many thoughts regarding Middle Way. It's a great cafe, but it's likely to be crowded this weekend because of the holiday
[5:34:50 PM] ixvivxi: I like the food but I know what you mean... where do you prefer?
[5:35:21 PM] Dana Bailey: I don't know. Middleway would be fine but maybe later in the week? I can't imagine there would be many places that aren't crowded
[5:35:57 PM] ixvivxi: Hmm.... you like quiet cafes? :)
[5:38:36 PM] Dana Bailey: I suppose. More than that, though, the wait is likely to be insane at Middleway on a weekend. Just trying to decide what works best. I had half a thought that my roommate ought to come along - she's off work through next week - and she's okay with hanging out at another table, but she's the one who pointed out that the crowds might be an issue.
[5:38:52 PM] Dana Bailey: I'm assuming you're working/otherwise busy later in the week, then?
[5:39:41 PM] ixvivxi: Oh, I work whenever I like... I'm not busy right now. What is your roommate like?
[5:40:22 PM] Dana Bailey: She's one of my best friends, and I trust her. And the ride would be appreciated if she does feel like coming along.
[5:42:08 PM] ixvivxi: I imagine that the night scene is going to be pretty wild this evening. Say... you had a bunch of questions, and I didn't answer all of them, thinking we would get to them later... now is your opportunity to ask whatever you like before we meet.
[5:45:35 PM] Dana Bailey: I can't think of them right at the moment, I'm sorry. I think we're actually talking about heading out to do something, though I'm not sure what.
[5:47:05 PM] ixvivxi: Okay... I'm looking for friends but I am not looking for friends who don't hang out, just fyi.
[5:50:29 PM] Dana Bailey: Yeah, I read that on your profile. Here's the thing, though, I've never met you. So I'm not volunteering to jump in your car and just go, and right at the moment, I'm tired and sick and not terribly full of ideas. So I'll think about what/when else we could do, and when I get back from whatever it is we're headed out to do, I will get back to you. I think the best plan is probably to do Middleway later in the week, after the New Year's craziness has died down some
[5:51:09 PM] Dana Bailey: Heading out now, though, so I'll catch you again soon. :)
[5:51:28 PM] ixvivxi: I don't think so.
[5:51:58 PM] ixvivxi: You are "tired and sick" and heading out. Too many red flags. Have a nice life.
First of all: Anyone who knows me, knows that I HATE when I ask a question and it is ignored, or indirectly answered. When I ask a question, the next response (discounting delays for timing, that's fine) should be an answer to that question, which can include "I don't know" or "Can I answer that later?" etc. So when I said "maybe later in the week?" for Middleway, I expected him to say, "later in the week doesn't work," or "I prefer to meet sooner rather than later," or "would it be okay if we met sooner than that and just pick something else to do?" But he ignored my comment/question/suggestion, instead choosing to redirect the conversation by asking me whether I like quiet cafes.
So I tried steering the conversation back on track by suggesting that he was perhaps busy later, to which he responded that he wasn't. But still not response on whether meeting later would be fine, unless the comment about not wanting friends that don't hang out was his response to that, in which case, wtf? I just met you, dude. We've traded a few messages. I became aware of your existence at all just a few days ago. And even if you were my bestest friend in the whole wide world, if my bestest friend said "let's hang out in the next two days" and I was sick and tired and not feeling up to doing what they had suggested, I might still suggest doing it later because... I don't operate on YOUR schedule, Mr. Dating Site Guy.
Also, aside from the "not answering my questions" frustration, this guy's responses just seemed... scattered and irrelevant. What on earth does the night life tonight have to do with what we were talking about? The best I can come up with is that perhaps he was hinting that he would rather meet tonight, but I am definitely not the spontaneous type. And then IN the same paragraph, it's suddenly "oh yeah and btw ask questions about me," and I don't remember saying that I had a ton of questions for him. I had been about to say I had to go anyway, so I took the opportunity to do so.
And finally, calling me on "too many red flags" because being tired and sick seems incongruous to the idea of going out to do something just seems presumptuous and assholeish. For one thing: You know where we went? To Starbucks. To the DRIVE THRU at Starbucks. I rode in the car, and the most effort I expended for that trip was to put my boots on. Also, going out was Richelle's suggestion to try to help me feel better. She figured that we'd been shut in the house all day and getting up and getting some air and some circulation would help me feel less blah.
For another thing, that's a very precarious judgement call. It might be a red flag if I said I was going out clubbing/drinking, maybe? Sure, it would be a sign that I don't have good judgement/don't take very good care of myself. But instead of tossing off a "have a nice life" and blocking me, a rational person might have stopped to say "If you're sick, shouldn't you stay in and rest?" and then I would have had the opportunity to say that I'm not terribly sick, just fighting a sore throat, that we're just going to go get some fresh air to see if that helps, that we won't be out long, and... here's kind of the big thing... that it takes a lot less energy for me to go along with my longtime trusted friends on a quick trip than it does for me to deal with new people.
Honestly, a lot of what this boils down to is "last word syndrome." It just pisses me off that I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about the way he was responding to me, but before I had time to address that, suddenly *I* am being black-flagged.
I know. It's a sign that I'm better off without this crazy person. I make myself feel a bit better by telling myself that he probably doesn't have many friends to run off and tarnish my reputation *to*, but it's not *him* specifically that upsets me so much as in the long term, how daunting the idea of dating is, every time something like this happens. Every time some asshole makes a judgement call and cuts me off before I've had a chance to gauge and/or make a real impression, I just think, what else can I do? What else can I put in my profile, what can I look for, what's my better strategy here?
This isn't complaining, necessarily, more just philosophy. I'm not terribly proactive about dating, partly because it's not my priority - but partly because I can't answer these questions.
Part of my issue tonight, too, is that I am getting impatient about the job hunt thing. I'm in that limbo/waiting stage again, which I always hate. There are lots of outstanding applications and I'm waiting to hear back about the jobs I interviewed for. I do have a couple of things that I need to do, hunt-wise, and I'll get back into seriously more next week, after the New Year. But in the meantime, I am just waiting... waiting to hear back, waiting for my throat to clear up and my foot to chill out.
Sigh.