A case study of socialized obedience and its detrimental contribution to rape culture and related ph
...long title. Sorry about that. That's kind of what I feel this is, anyway, or what I would like it to be.
You see, I was up late, enjoying the rare late-night nostalgic trip with an old friend, and he decided for whatever reason to trawl through an old directory of his, where he'd saved some old conversation logs and things of that nature. He pulled up a conversation that I had sent him, some unknown age ago, between me and a former friend. I will post the transcript of what was said below, but I'd like to make some notes about my reaction to the conversation first. You see, when I re-read it, I could not remember *having* this conversation, or why I had shared it, or what I was feeling. So, reading it somewhat shocked me, and indeed, disturbed me. I thought, was I really *that* accepting of these unacceptable behaviors? And I could see how the person I was talking to might have perceived my reaction as favorable, encouraging even.
Take a look (try to ignore anomalies in the font, those are just formatting errors and weren't originally there):
C: You like long, hot showers, eh?
Me: Yah. Showers are good for relaxing. It's been a long day.
C: They also let your nerves tingle.
C: Something you'd appreciate, no doubt...
Me: Naw, my nerves don't really tingle. *shakes head* Water TOO hot for that.
C: *Ponders*
C: Been considering something...
Me: Yes?
C: On whether to choose to provide you some of that savagery you seem to want, by long "description."
Me: *scratches head*
C: And I do mean such low-brow things as Fight Club violence.
Me: Never saw that movie...
C: Heh. Hard to explain, I suppose...
C: would have to show you...
C: You taking that HOT shower....
C: relaxing indeed after a long, tiring day...
C: and standing there, feeling...oh, I don't know...claws...
Me: claws? *raises an eyebrow*
C: Yes...claws.
C: Cutting deep into your back, and ripping off the old and grimy outer layers.
Me: Eww.. *wrinkles nose*
C: Ewww while the grime is there.
C: Different story when you have the clean, underneath.
Me: No, eww, either it would all get under MY fingernails, or they're someone else's claws. :P
C: Lol.....mine.
Me: Gar. Never get clean enough. But I like being a little dirty, not as itchy that way. :P
Me: Should I be worried?
Me: *winks*
C: Only if you want to be. I wouldn't hurt you.
C: Much.
But after the shock wore off, I thought about it a little more, and I remembered what really happened. You see, this conversation log was saved in a file titled "Chauvinist JERK" - so I must have saved it that way in order to send it to a friend, and show him/her exactly what I thought was so damned chauvinistic and jerky about this guy I'd been talking to. It wasn't at all that I was flirting back, or accepting his advances - in fact, you can see some of my early attempts to deflect them, as I first plead ignorance ("*scratches head*"), then drop gentle hints ("Eww," and again "eww" with a clarification that I'm not fond of the idea of someone else in the shower with me), and finally... when these strategies do not seem to be working... accept the situation by passing it off as a joke, winking and pretending that he's not serious because it's far less creepy that way. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I remembered being quite angry about the situation, and how I had had much the same reaction back then - the more I thought about it after the fact, the creepier/squickier it seemed, and I went stalking off to a friend for solace.
Not that I am excusing this appalling behavior in the slightest, because nobody should have to be put in this situation in the first place. But re-reading this conversation makes me cringe. It makes me want to go back in time and answer my own stupid question: "Should I be worried?" Yes, self. You should be very, very worried. THIS GUY IS BAD NEWS. In fact, he turned out to be very bad news, but that's a story for another day. *This* story is cringeworthy enough, because of what I *should* have done - what I should have been *able* to do. And that is: say no. Say "No, I don't want any savagery of any kind, stop applying your own sick desires to my intentions." Say, "This is inappropriate and you need to stop." Say, "I don't want you in the shower with me, stop talking about it."
And why didn't I say no? There are probably many reasons. I'm recalling now, other conversations with this fellow, in which I would say no to conversations that made me uncomfortable, and he would rebut my discomfort based on his own beliefs, and then back up his rebuttal by questioning my beliefs. I learned over time that saying no to him didn't work, so I stopped doing it. But it wasn't just him that saying no to didn't work on - it didn't work on my parents, either. They would rebut my best attempts at reason with arguments such as "Because I say so," and "That's just the way the world works." If I did manage to argue a case well, suddenly it was not about whatever it was about anymore, but about my attitude, and I would be punished regardless, only now I was being punished not for the original perceived transgression, but for daring to stand up for myself.
That, I think, is the lesson I would like to be taken away from this study. That people who are socialized to obey - to submit, whether to parents or a male authority figure or whomever - people who are taught not to question, not to stand up for themselves and their safety and sanity and happiness.... these people become victims. And worse - not only do they become victims, but they allow their abusers to be encouraged in their abuse, to believe that this *is* really what their victim... what women... what people... want. A parent who fails to teach a child to stand up for himself - an authority figure who refuses to yield to reason - a person who breaks the will of another person in the name of whatever hierarchical construct of "order" - doesn't just create one victim, but they contribute to the creation of many.
(Cross-posted to Facebook)
You see, I was up late, enjoying the rare late-night nostalgic trip with an old friend, and he decided for whatever reason to trawl through an old directory of his, where he'd saved some old conversation logs and things of that nature. He pulled up a conversation that I had sent him, some unknown age ago, between me and a former friend. I will post the transcript of what was said below, but I'd like to make some notes about my reaction to the conversation first. You see, when I re-read it, I could not remember *having* this conversation, or why I had shared it, or what I was feeling. So, reading it somewhat shocked me, and indeed, disturbed me. I thought, was I really *that* accepting of these unacceptable behaviors? And I could see how the person I was talking to might have perceived my reaction as favorable, encouraging even.
Take a look (try to ignore anomalies in the font, those are just formatting errors and weren't originally there):
C: You like long, hot showers, eh?
Me: Yah. Showers are good for relaxing. It's been a long day.
C: They also let your nerves tingle.
C: Something you'd appreciate, no doubt...
Me: Naw, my nerves don't really tingle. *shakes head* Water TOO hot for that.
C: *Ponders*
C: Been considering something...
Me: Yes?
C: On whether to choose to provide you some of that savagery you seem to want, by long "description."
Me: *scratches head*
C: And I do mean such low-brow things as Fight Club violence.
Me: Never saw that movie...
C: Heh. Hard to explain, I suppose...
C: would have to show you...
C: You taking that HOT shower....
C: relaxing indeed after a long, tiring day...
C: and standing there, feeling...oh, I don't know...claws...
Me: claws? *raises an eyebrow*
C: Yes...claws.
C: Cutting deep into your back, and ripping off the old and grimy outer layers.
Me: Eww.. *wrinkles nose*
C: Ewww while the grime is there.
C: Different story when you have the clean, underneath.
Me: No, eww, either it would all get under MY fingernails, or they're someone else's claws. :P
C: Lol.....mine.
Me: Gar. Never get clean enough. But I like being a little dirty, not as itchy that way. :P
Me: Should I be worried?
Me: *winks*
C: Only if you want to be. I wouldn't hurt you.
C: Much.
But after the shock wore off, I thought about it a little more, and I remembered what really happened. You see, this conversation log was saved in a file titled "Chauvinist JERK" - so I must have saved it that way in order to send it to a friend, and show him/her exactly what I thought was so damned chauvinistic and jerky about this guy I'd been talking to. It wasn't at all that I was flirting back, or accepting his advances - in fact, you can see some of my early attempts to deflect them, as I first plead ignorance ("*scratches head*"), then drop gentle hints ("Eww," and again "eww" with a clarification that I'm not fond of the idea of someone else in the shower with me), and finally... when these strategies do not seem to be working... accept the situation by passing it off as a joke, winking and pretending that he's not serious because it's far less creepy that way. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I remembered being quite angry about the situation, and how I had had much the same reaction back then - the more I thought about it after the fact, the creepier/squickier it seemed, and I went stalking off to a friend for solace.
Not that I am excusing this appalling behavior in the slightest, because nobody should have to be put in this situation in the first place. But re-reading this conversation makes me cringe. It makes me want to go back in time and answer my own stupid question: "Should I be worried?" Yes, self. You should be very, very worried. THIS GUY IS BAD NEWS. In fact, he turned out to be very bad news, but that's a story for another day. *This* story is cringeworthy enough, because of what I *should* have done - what I should have been *able* to do. And that is: say no. Say "No, I don't want any savagery of any kind, stop applying your own sick desires to my intentions." Say, "This is inappropriate and you need to stop." Say, "I don't want you in the shower with me, stop talking about it."
And why didn't I say no? There are probably many reasons. I'm recalling now, other conversations with this fellow, in which I would say no to conversations that made me uncomfortable, and he would rebut my discomfort based on his own beliefs, and then back up his rebuttal by questioning my beliefs. I learned over time that saying no to him didn't work, so I stopped doing it. But it wasn't just him that saying no to didn't work on - it didn't work on my parents, either. They would rebut my best attempts at reason with arguments such as "Because I say so," and "That's just the way the world works." If I did manage to argue a case well, suddenly it was not about whatever it was about anymore, but about my attitude, and I would be punished regardless, only now I was being punished not for the original perceived transgression, but for daring to stand up for myself.
That, I think, is the lesson I would like to be taken away from this study. That people who are socialized to obey - to submit, whether to parents or a male authority figure or whomever - people who are taught not to question, not to stand up for themselves and their safety and sanity and happiness.... these people become victims. And worse - not only do they become victims, but they allow their abusers to be encouraged in their abuse, to believe that this *is* really what their victim... what women... what people... want. A parent who fails to teach a child to stand up for himself - an authority figure who refuses to yield to reason - a person who breaks the will of another person in the name of whatever hierarchical construct of "order" - doesn't just create one victim, but they contribute to the creation of many.
(Cross-posted to Facebook)