its all disappointed nature but its allowed to be intriguing.

[kittysexmeow]

what to make of anything before my eyes? i dont know what to feel towards anymore.. apart of me is lost in this labyrinth, i am shrinking with the notion that i am under complete and utter distruction, the catalyst being the very seduction that sank me so far beneath it all. i am underneath their feet as they step over me. the walk all over me praying hoping that i do something that they like. i cannot be myself in this surrounding, perhaps thats what drives me crazy.. i cannot pertain to their intrests....or even pretend, my heart hurts in this atmosphere of disappointment and shock. everything in here has to be defined as something, without being able to deal with the actual problem. they like to tiptoe, until by some impossible illogical thought process, they prove being correct, and its usually because i have totally stopped listening, or never gave a shit in the first place. point of the matter is, i truly hate them, no matter how much they have done for me, although i AM grateful, they have been the shitest parents i have ever met, they are the most dishonest, and distrusting indaviduals on this earth, sounds mean but when you have seen what i have and been through what i have, you tend to doubt your security a little. they make me feel small, even though they claim i mean the world... they call me an asshole, or a selfish brat with no means to tend to anything other than myself, what they dont understand is that i dont care for them as much as a child is supposed to , they dont understand that i wake up everymorning thinking i could/should have a different life, so whats the harm in fucking up the fakeness of this one, i think even after all these years it hasnt hit me that this is reality. could be my tragic flaw that i innevitabley fall from, but i dont care. to say that i dont care about them, would be a lie, but the hatred i feel towards them covers the actual relation. and i also feel that i am becoming more and more and more like them everyday, the thought alone makes me want to slit my throat.
i cannot end up like this.. unhappy and unaware of who i am or what i want. i cannot end up like an alcoholic, or a control freak. i need to perminately leave. until i figure out myself. then ill give them the sympathy that they have deserved all these years. until then.. ill remain the insane mess in the art room. you know the one you think is purposely there to create some artistic flow, so you dont ever clean it.