I've read about the afterlife, but I've never really lived
I've been finding myself questioning the whole idea of conventional relationships lately. This could be, in large part, due to the fact that every one I have tried to have has ended. Spectacularly. We're talking the burning of Rome here. So I'm particularly terrified about putting myself out there again, in any capacity. I have a tendency to fall way too hard, way too fast. So far, since the sacking and pillaging of my LAST relationship, I've managed to avoid that.
On the other hand, I dream of something real. Of finding that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and having them actually want the same from me. Someone who will call when they say they will, who will see me for who I really am and love me anyway. Someone who wants the same things I do, and who is willing to sacrifice to get them, if needs be. And the thing is... I don't know if I believe that person exists any more.
The biggest thing I have come up against recently is that even if I did put myself out there, where? I don't know how to meet people, I have NO IDEA how to date... I'm completely at a loss as to what the next step is. The only relationships I have had I have jumped into with hardly a second thought. This does not seem to be working for me. But where do you draw the line between cautious and closed off? How much is too much? How little is too little?
I'm lost in many ways. I keep trying to find myself, but I've hidden so well that I don't know where to start looking. Every plan I have ever made for myself has been forgotten, trampled upon, or sacrificed for something I thought I wanted more. And frankly, I have little left. I go through the motions of life, but none of it really means that much to me anymore. And I honestly don't know how to fix that. I need a purpose. I need something to live for, to live towards. In the past, it has always been someONE. But I can't do that anymore. I can't give that much of myself anymore because everything I gave before was never given back. And I don't know if I know how to do it by myself. I'm working on it, I guess, but something is missing. There is this hollow place in my heart that I always ignored before, because I had "love". And I don't know what is supposed to be there.
On the other hand, I dream of something real. Of finding that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and having them actually want the same from me. Someone who will call when they say they will, who will see me for who I really am and love me anyway. Someone who wants the same things I do, and who is willing to sacrifice to get them, if needs be. And the thing is... I don't know if I believe that person exists any more.
The biggest thing I have come up against recently is that even if I did put myself out there, where? I don't know how to meet people, I have NO IDEA how to date... I'm completely at a loss as to what the next step is. The only relationships I have had I have jumped into with hardly a second thought. This does not seem to be working for me. But where do you draw the line between cautious and closed off? How much is too much? How little is too little?
I'm lost in many ways. I keep trying to find myself, but I've hidden so well that I don't know where to start looking. Every plan I have ever made for myself has been forgotten, trampled upon, or sacrificed for something I thought I wanted more. And frankly, I have little left. I go through the motions of life, but none of it really means that much to me anymore. And I honestly don't know how to fix that. I need a purpose. I need something to live for, to live towards. In the past, it has always been someONE. But I can't do that anymore. I can't give that much of myself anymore because everything I gave before was never given back. And I don't know if I know how to do it by myself. I'm working on it, I guess, but something is missing. There is this hollow place in my heart that I always ignored before, because I had "love". And I don't know what is supposed to be there.