perhaps a little disjointed in thought...
Not a good start. I've been back for almost two weeks now, and whereas I've been a bit too busy to update since then I'm about to start back into it by complaining. I'm hoping this gets it out of my system.
What ever happened to consideration? I know that we can all slip, and we all do. But why do people seem hell bent on not thinking about what other people might end up experiencing due to something? I'm not saying that we should live our lives in order to please everyone else. That's ridiculous, but damnit, can't we all just take an extra second to think about what we're about to say or do before just plunging into it and saying we did it in the name of spontaneity? Sure, you might run the risk of thinking too much. And I know I get a lot of crap about being a worrier and too much of a thinker. And yes, I do worry about little things sometimes. Yes, sometimes I think about something until other people can practically see it eeking out my ears. But you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people not understanding that that's who I am, and that's also who I like to be. And that I don't appreciate or respect someone openly ridiculing that. They don't have to be like me; they don't have to agree with me. They don't even have to humor me. All I ask is to be respected for being my own person.
I've changed a lot over the last semester. I may not have shaved my head or turned goth or become a nun, but I've changed plenty. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I left. And truth is, I wouldn't give up this change for anything in the world. I'm more independent. I'm stronger. I'm not willing to take the shit that I used to. Sick of being walked on. Sick of feeling less than who I am.
Maybe this will fall to the wayside, but for now consider it a mid-year resolution. I'm growing up. Maybe slowly. Maybe in different ways than other people. Maybe I'm taking a different direction than I thought I was going to end up going in. But to hell with that. I'm happier than I was before I went to Scotland. I'm happier because I pushed myself to make the most of that experience.
Now I know what it was like for all the previous people to come back from studying abroad. Perhaps it's a bit like when the Dreaming of the Bones cast came back from Ireland, and it seemed like that was all we talked about. But you know what? I got really pissed whenever someone would get really shitty about the Ireland trip, 'cause they kept hearing about it. Sure, I can understand that it might get tiring, but there's a reason that we talked about it so much. It was a life changing event. It made us closer and stronger and bigger people. Maybe I don't see all of those people anymore, but I sure as hell still love them and the time we had together. If someone wasn't there dancing and crying on those stones in Kilmainham Gaol with us, feeling the strength of what we were doing, then how can they possibly understand who we've become? Don't think you can take that away from us.
I think I need less now that I'm back here. Well, in some areas. In some ways I need more. I need less of the stuff I had. I'm ready to grow up. I'm not holding onto my youth or whatever. Not that I'm about to go jump into my fourties and start saving up for retirement. I just want to feel like I'm getting started.
But the first step to that is not not let myself get wrapped by the things I hear around me that make me feel like less of a person. Here's my chance to tell myself, 'grow up, Kate.'
What ever happened to consideration? I know that we can all slip, and we all do. But why do people seem hell bent on not thinking about what other people might end up experiencing due to something? I'm not saying that we should live our lives in order to please everyone else. That's ridiculous, but damnit, can't we all just take an extra second to think about what we're about to say or do before just plunging into it and saying we did it in the name of spontaneity? Sure, you might run the risk of thinking too much. And I know I get a lot of crap about being a worrier and too much of a thinker. And yes, I do worry about little things sometimes. Yes, sometimes I think about something until other people can practically see it eeking out my ears. But you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people not understanding that that's who I am, and that's also who I like to be. And that I don't appreciate or respect someone openly ridiculing that. They don't have to be like me; they don't have to agree with me. They don't even have to humor me. All I ask is to be respected for being my own person.
I've changed a lot over the last semester. I may not have shaved my head or turned goth or become a nun, but I've changed plenty. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I left. And truth is, I wouldn't give up this change for anything in the world. I'm more independent. I'm stronger. I'm not willing to take the shit that I used to. Sick of being walked on. Sick of feeling less than who I am.
Maybe this will fall to the wayside, but for now consider it a mid-year resolution. I'm growing up. Maybe slowly. Maybe in different ways than other people. Maybe I'm taking a different direction than I thought I was going to end up going in. But to hell with that. I'm happier than I was before I went to Scotland. I'm happier because I pushed myself to make the most of that experience.
Now I know what it was like for all the previous people to come back from studying abroad. Perhaps it's a bit like when the Dreaming of the Bones cast came back from Ireland, and it seemed like that was all we talked about. But you know what? I got really pissed whenever someone would get really shitty about the Ireland trip, 'cause they kept hearing about it. Sure, I can understand that it might get tiring, but there's a reason that we talked about it so much. It was a life changing event. It made us closer and stronger and bigger people. Maybe I don't see all of those people anymore, but I sure as hell still love them and the time we had together. If someone wasn't there dancing and crying on those stones in Kilmainham Gaol with us, feeling the strength of what we were doing, then how can they possibly understand who we've become? Don't think you can take that away from us.
I think I need less now that I'm back here. Well, in some areas. In some ways I need more. I need less of the stuff I had. I'm ready to grow up. I'm not holding onto my youth or whatever. Not that I'm about to go jump into my fourties and start saving up for retirement. I just want to feel like I'm getting started.
But the first step to that is not not let myself get wrapped by the things I hear around me that make me feel like less of a person. Here's my chance to tell myself, 'grow up, Kate.'