yes, this WILL be a whiny, biotchy entry. i am at one with that.
so (who was i talking to about this? oh! David)
i just remembered today that right as i was in that kid stage where you want to try new things, that was when my mom was like, no you can't do ANYTHING.
soccer? because all the rest of my best FRIENDS are? no.
gymnastics? i love it, and would actually DO this for the rest of my life? no.
cheerleading? no--you'll be a whore.
tennis lessons? no, don't have money for that.
and yet, kenny has done soccer for... how many years now?
sometimes, i just cry at all the things i HAVEN'T done in life.
especially travel.
ESPECIALLY, travel.
*sigh*
i try to say "well, how can i not just cry? how can i... really... DO these things?
well, win the lottery.
get a real job (so, wait five years to be able to afford these things. and THAT will be ruined by having to pay for SOMEthing...)
go back in time, and have a mom that doesn't SUCK (oh wait, can't.)
give up on my dreams.
and THAT's what makes me cry.
i feel like everyone's had a life but me.
i feel like i never do anything that II want to do, that makes ME happy.
why do i stay here?
where could i go to make anything better?
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL ANYMORE!
i wanted to quit!
i WANTED to take a year off!
i WANTED to work some lame job, if it meant i could leave at any time. go away, fly somewhere, drive somewhere, not be tied down. and make the money to go places.
i can't STAND this place, not anymore
i hate my life!
what can i DO?
i don't know.
every passion i've ever had has either been stifled, torn down by my mom, or given up on, yes, by me.
the only thing i tried to hold on to was music. and ... i just don't care about that anymore. not after all the joy was sucked out by making it my job, my major. those people made me cry, called me terrible, and kicked me out.
it's the perfectionist nature-- if i can't do it good enough to be "up to standards" then i just can't do it at all. i'm ashamed to touch them.
i wouldn't say i'm "passionate" about my major now. i do very much like it, and i'm very good at retaining helpful information.
but i don't... STRIVE for more knowledge about it, and desperately yearn to spend more time doing it, learning about it, caring, participating.
no.
another reason i wanted to be a hair stylist.
i lovvvve hair.
but it's too late for right now, i only have one more year to go. i'll go to night school for it, when i have a real job, or after the first baby.
oh, and by the way i am so betrayed by Karl right now.
if he doesn't have another girl, then he just doesn't care about me at all.
i was taking a shower thinking, "i'll tell him next time we talk (whenever THAT is, *scoff scoff*) that i want to see him at least three hours a week.
and then i went, wait, three hours? a week?
should i HAVE to ask for that?
is that... is that... even.... y'know?
do you know, i've talked to matt for two hours in the past two days?
...
just a comparison. thought it was slightly backwards, but ok.
i just remembered today that right as i was in that kid stage where you want to try new things, that was when my mom was like, no you can't do ANYTHING.
soccer? because all the rest of my best FRIENDS are? no.
gymnastics? i love it, and would actually DO this for the rest of my life? no.
cheerleading? no--you'll be a whore.
tennis lessons? no, don't have money for that.
and yet, kenny has done soccer for... how many years now?
sometimes, i just cry at all the things i HAVEN'T done in life.
especially travel.
ESPECIALLY, travel.
*sigh*
i try to say "well, how can i not just cry? how can i... really... DO these things?
well, win the lottery.
get a real job (so, wait five years to be able to afford these things. and THAT will be ruined by having to pay for SOMEthing...)
go back in time, and have a mom that doesn't SUCK (oh wait, can't.)
give up on my dreams.
and THAT's what makes me cry.
i feel like everyone's had a life but me.
i feel like i never do anything that II want to do, that makes ME happy.
why do i stay here?
where could i go to make anything better?
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL ANYMORE!
i wanted to quit!
i WANTED to take a year off!
i WANTED to work some lame job, if it meant i could leave at any time. go away, fly somewhere, drive somewhere, not be tied down. and make the money to go places.
i can't STAND this place, not anymore
i hate my life!
what can i DO?
i don't know.
every passion i've ever had has either been stifled, torn down by my mom, or given up on, yes, by me.
the only thing i tried to hold on to was music. and ... i just don't care about that anymore. not after all the joy was sucked out by making it my job, my major. those people made me cry, called me terrible, and kicked me out.
it's the perfectionist nature-- if i can't do it good enough to be "up to standards" then i just can't do it at all. i'm ashamed to touch them.
i wouldn't say i'm "passionate" about my major now. i do very much like it, and i'm very good at retaining helpful information.
but i don't... STRIVE for more knowledge about it, and desperately yearn to spend more time doing it, learning about it, caring, participating.
no.
another reason i wanted to be a hair stylist.
i lovvvve hair.
but it's too late for right now, i only have one more year to go. i'll go to night school for it, when i have a real job, or after the first baby.
oh, and by the way i am so betrayed by Karl right now.
if he doesn't have another girl, then he just doesn't care about me at all.
i was taking a shower thinking, "i'll tell him next time we talk (whenever THAT is, *scoff scoff*) that i want to see him at least three hours a week.
and then i went, wait, three hours? a week?
should i HAVE to ask for that?
is that... is that... even.... y'know?
do you know, i've talked to matt for two hours in the past two days?
...
just a comparison. thought it was slightly backwards, but ok.