Love Potion? Ivy NEIN!!
Title: Love Potion?! Ivy Nein!!
Fandom: DC
Pairings: Clark/Bruce eventually ;)
Characters: Clark Kent/Superman; Bruce Wayne/Batman; Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy; others mentioned
Word Count: 4,865
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Um...Crackish.
Synopsis: Some people just need to leave love to cupid. Otherwise it turns out like this. The world is not ready for a Bruce Wayne in love...at least, Gotham isn't.
Ah, I was supposed to post this like ages ago, but between work, RL, and a couple of other things (going out with friends and dancing on bars amongst a long list of things I did that I can't quite believe XD) Well...yeah. Apologies all around, but you know how it goes. :)
And it's been over a year but things have been busy with school. :) I've happily made three B and an A in spring, and another A this may for a three week course in which I learned A LOT. I know, I'm slow, but I'm learning new things that make creating stories soooo much more fun. lol
Refresh your memories with part one.
Part 2: Woo, Woo, Whooooa!
“T-twenty…T-t-tw-twenty f-f-four…Are you sure!?”
J’onn nodded his head gravely at the man that had lost all feeling in his jaw. “I’m afraid so.”
He wanted to say, “oh dear merciful heaven how in the hell did this come about?!” but it came out as some garbled sound tossed between a silent choke and someone drowning in jell-o. Trained fingers meant to break, pull apart, and haul that body up from heights normal men would piss themselves at shut his open jaw, and willed his face to move to meet theirs. Clark blushed for what could have been the fifth time in fifteen moments, Bruce’s smile against his cheek and that firm willing body pressed against his side.
Clark wanted to blame the cupcakes he’d eaten for this.
“He seems….rather…attached….”
John stating the obvious and not bothering to conceal his amusement was not what Clark wanted to hear. The Green Lantern currently off duty coughed into his hand and tried not to laugh again. It was hard. Clark could see why and would probably laugh about it about ten years from now, but it wasn’t funny at this particular moment. Attached just wasn’t the word for it. There had to be a better word for it!
“I’ll have to run this sample to see the entire effects of the toxin while it’s in his system,” J’onn explained. “It might take an hour or so.”
An hour? No. “Can you speed that up a bit?” Clark pleaded. His side was warmer than it had ever been with Bruce pressed so closely, nuzzling his neck and grinning slyly against it. Thoughts he’d suppressed for the sake of his sanity and the well being of the world and him not drifting off into a possible tizzy of la-la land were surfacing quickly. “Please?” He was shoving them back down, as well as shoving Bruce’s roaming hands back to his waistline. This was not the place to let everyone know just how hung up a man could be.
“I will try,” J’onn said, “But I don’t see why you just didn’t ask Ivy.”
“Because he’s a man, and he doesn’t trust me or what I would say,” Ivy responded, a smirk playing at her lips. “Typical man behavior.”
Clark growled softly and glared at the woman currently tied down and sitting nestled in a nice container away from the indigenous plant life. If there was anything that life had taught them, it was not to let the soft looking plant lady stay near anything green, with leaves, or could possibly sprout from a seed. Since she was a partial plant, however, he wondered if it would be considered murder if he sprayed her with weed killer.
“Clark…”
“…fine.” Damn J’onn and his mental picking up thing. “But I hold no promises if she pisses me off.”
“Has someone angered you my love?” Clark groaned aloud and tried not to stare up at Bruce as he moved from coddling the life out of him to looking him over in concern. “Who?! Who is it that has angered you so?!”
“N-never mind, Bruce…it will take care of itself.” Clark was all for the weed killer, but he didn’t quite let his mind wander down the road the bat would take if he told Bruce that Ivy was the one responsible. He didn’t think he’d ever look at salad the same way again. “I’m fine…I promise.”
The bright smile on Bruce’s face hurt more than Clark’s head did. It was an effect of the potion he’d ingested, but so genuine that Clark almost grabbed his chest and slammed himself into the floor for thinking such things. He was under the influence of toxins! It wasn’t real!
“All you need is say the word and I will take care of it.” Bruce pushed their heads together, nuzzling Clark’s face with his hands cupping his cheeks, lips reaching to kiss the side of his nose before ghosting over his slightly parted lips struggling not to drop open from the utter shock rendering Clark a useless piece of mass. Bruce didn’t notice. He was too busy whispering soft endearments.
God damn it, Bruce had warm hands; warm and soft. What kind of lotion did he use anyhow? And was his voice always this sensual?
Eventually-well after Bruce had promised him several lewd promises that made it hard not to wrap his fingers around Ivy’s throat and just squeeze-Bruce pulled himself away of his own accord, though not for the reasons they may (or may not) have hoped for. “Alas, I must set out on my quest,” he breathed, hands taking Clark’s into his and kissing the back of his knuckles. “I promised to woo you and woo you I shall. I will have your hand in my own…”
“Um, aren’t they already in…yours? Oof!”
Somehow Bruce kissing his knuckles was a lot more normal than him wrapping his arms around Clark’s head and nearly squealing from his delight. “You’re so witty! Oh, and people wonder why I’m lost on you.” He pulled away, kissed his slackened lips, and nearly skipped out of the room with a hum in his tune. He stopped at the door, winked Clark’s way, and promptly shoved his hand around the throat of another league member coming into the observation room with Clark’s name on his lips.
It was a real shock for everyone in the room, including the one who was currently trying to entice that hand to squeeze. Green Arrow didn’t know what he’d done or what he’d walked in on, but he knew Bruce’s hand around his throat and him not wearing the mask was possibly, probably, definitely a bad sign all around. He reached up to pry those fingers from his windpipe and was slammed against the door for his trouble.
“Is there something you need with my beloved that you can’t relay to me?” Bruce growled. “Or is it too much for you to consider that my love is quite occupied as it is?”
“W-what?! B-bruce, let go!” Green Arrow gasped. “C-can’t….breathe!”
“And the shit has hit the fan,” John muttered. “That’s…not normal for a regular love potion…”
No, it wasn’t. Clark quickly moved to separate the two, not sure if doing such a thing warranted another cling session from Bruce or his insistent tugging a moment later with the declaration that they needed to head home right then and there. His insistence was more persistent than Clark’s resistance, and eventually Clark had no choice but to give in and follow the elated man pulling him along.
Clark glared backward at the light snickering coming from the plant lady and vowed then and there to find some type of weed killer in the coming hours.
Green Arrow was thinking along the same lines, only the words Cyanide and Bruce and Grave were strung together…until J’onn explained what happened a little later. Their attentions soon turned to Ivy once the confusion had died down alongside her laughter of this absurd situation.
Green Arrow reached into his holster and produced an arrow he was saving in case killer plants were on the verge of eating a city somewhere. Ivy wasn’t laughing then…she was nearly screaming with the intention to tell them all they wanted to know about that potion when he threatened to turn her legs into mulch.
She was a lady of common sense, not pride, and besides, she wanted to live long enough to see the results of a potion gone horribly wrong in so many ways.
“Bruce…”
“Yes my love?”
“…you said we were going home.”
“I know…and we are home, silly.”
They were at the manor. The Manor was most certainly not home for Clark. “…but I live in Metropolis.”
“Not for much longer sweetheart…unless you’d rather I move there instead of you moving here.” Clark visibly stopped at this, unsure of where that came from or even if he wanted to contemplate why it sounded so dam tempting. Right. He was insane. “Either way is fine with me,” Bruce cooed, “As long as I’m close to you.”
“Um…okay…ah…whoa!”
“It’s late darling…we can about all this in the morning when it’s light out. Now, I must insist on you getting a good night’s rest. Tomorrow is a busy day for you.”
Busy? How could it be busy? He was already busy trying to figure out when this went from a strange unrequited love to a nightmare gone haywire with Bruce’s violent intervals the highlight of his strange dream. He was also busy trying not to wonder how anyone could be as warm as the sun just from embracing him like the lover Bruce was not nor had been prior to this injection of delirium thanks totally to the plant lady. Bruce certainly didn’t think to think otherwise about his standing with Clark, assured that things were alright in the land of Wu. Not so. No. This was far from all right, and Clark was determined to put this to rest and straighten this man out before he did something he would be cranky for when this was over.
He opened his mouth to speak and possibly reason with a living brick wall, but he was cut off by the surprised sounds of not one but five bodies colliding into one another in the hallway. At the very same time he was bombarded by Bruce’s enthusiastic hug, the subtle scent of that man making it hard to think past staring at those slightly horrified or excited faces looking upon the two of them twined.
Clark definitely thought the horror of it all was directed at Bruce willingly hugging someone in public. It just wasn’t like him…no matter how nice his arms felt.
“Ah…I can…explain…”
“No need to, sugar dumpling,” Bruce exclaimed. “I can explain well enough. After all, tonight worked out better than planned.”
“Worked out better than planned?! What-“
“I know, it’s so exciting, I can hardly wait til morning to start. Kids, you must hear the wonderful news,” Bruce said, turning to his adopted sons and their partners. His flourish was enough to scare Tim right into Kon’s waiting arms, which had Clark eyeing them strangely despite being hugged harder by Bruce in his excitement. Even Dick was more than a little disturbed by the display, which was saying a lot considering his disposition in life. While he might have vehemently denied it, he was similar to Bruce in many ways, though not so much now because he wasn’t actually hugging the life out of Clark still trying to string together what he did to deserve this madness.
Was it still safe to blame it on the cupcakes?
“W-wonderful…wait, what news?” Dick asked. “And…why are you all over Clark? Bruce, are you feeling all right?”
“I’ve never felt better, son,” Bruce gushed. “I’m absolutely over the moon. Why you ask? Because I plan to marry the love of my life as soon as I woo him into my arms properly.”
“….say again?”
“Oh, I know it’s sudden, and Clark did mention that we hadn’t dated long enough for me to ask, but I know we’re meant to last, and I will have him swooning by the day’s end.” With this he pushed the sides of their faces against one another and said, “Isn’t that right beloved?”
Clark laughed nervously. “Um…sure…I mean, it is sudden.”
“Yeah, like really sudden…so sudden that we’re finding it hard to swallow,” Dick said. “I thought you were planning to ask him out to coffee, not propose.”
“Wait he was?”
“I was!” Bruce agreed, “But something just made it rather impossible to only ask you to coffee when I’ve wanted much more for so long….it’s like my eyes opened themselves and I saw the light that is you, beloved. Oh, how I wish the morrow would come so that I may shower my love upon thee.”
This was making Clark’s teeth hurt more than it was making Tim visibly sick. The poor teen looked like he would lose his lunch any second now or his fight with laughter when Clark noticed that his shoulders were shaking uncontrollably. He thought about wiping that hidden smile off of Tim’s face, but that probably wouldn’t have sat well with Kon, who Clark still didn’t understand why he was over here and why Tim was nestled comfortably in his loose embrace. It wasn’t as odd as his situation, the one that Dick gawked at and Alfred rubbed his temple about.
“It this some elaborate joke?” Alfred asked. “I find it to be in poor taste if it is.”
“It’s not a joke, Alfred,” Clark said in defeat. “It’s really happening…and you can blame the plant woman for this.”
Dick openly scoffed and rubbed his head in irritation. “Figures…how long does it last?”
“About twenty-four hours.”
“Nice. Long enough for her to get him hitched and divorced with half his assets. Genius.”
“She thought so…ah…until he saw me…oh!...And we don’t know how much of the stuff he ingested…Bruce! Can you at least wait until we’re somewhere without prying eyes!?”
Bruce kept his hands where they had snaked during Clark’s small conversation and tugged. “No.”
“That’s quite alright!” Alfred quickly moved to gather the rest of their audience and move them back along the hallway out of sight of what was becoming open molestation. “We’ll just…excuse ourselves and leave you lovebirds alone.”
Alone? No! “A-Alfred, wait! I’m sure B-Bruce wants to talk to you about…uh… catering!” Smooth Clark, real smooth. “Yeah, catering…for the wedding!”
“But my love,” Bruce cooed, “We can talk about that later…especially when I’ve ensured you in my arms…and perhaps…my bed…”
It was a lost cause. Alfred all but ran with the boys, and he was sure someone was snickering to the point where they couldn’t breathe right for several minutes. It might have been Kon, who was seriously being interrogated right along Bruce when this was over if Bruce ever came out of hiding…if he remembered any of this. Right now Bruce was more occupied in tugging and leading him up to where Clark’s sure doom lie if he didn’t think of something FAST.
Wait…
“Darling…um…as much as I…would love to stay…I uh…Um…have an early morning!” Clark couldn’t lie on the spot properly to save his life, or his virginity as it looked when Bruce kept up the subtle molestation. Damn it, that man really had WARM hands. Lie harder Clark! “I have to…to…g-go to work…and…You know…WORK…and stuff.”
“….Oh?”
“Y-yeah! I mean, I did leave the rookie to take the photos and I’m sure they’re going to have a field day…because of…you…kissing me like that. So…I have to go do some damage control so they don’t mess it up.” Which wasn’t an outright lie and partial truth and a serious fact he hadn’t considered until he’d said it. God, going to work might have been just as suicidal right now as following Bruce up to his bedroom…which Bruce seemed to want to do despite Clark’s desperate attempt to make him see the end of the light of this oh so wrong situation tunnel. “Bruce!”
“Relax love…I promise not to molest you anymore tonight.”
“Then…”
“I’m just getting my licks in before I cuddle you for the rest of the night. Oh, love…you make me so happy!”
Clark wanted to check his blood sugar for diabetes. If this got any sappier he was going to stick to the wall. Bruce did remove his hands from under his shirt and took his hands again, still tugging along but gently this time. Clark followed, more than a little wary. Bruce did have the Bat within him, and the BAT was sneaky.
“So, we’re going up to…your room to…”
“Sleep, beloved. Sleep and cuddle…and talk about tomorrow if you’re up to it.”
“…I thought you wanted to keep it a secret?”
“Oh, the part I have in store for you, yes…but about your job, no. I think you have a valid point about doing damage control.”
“I do?”
“Most certainly. That sudden proposal…I don’t want that one in the papers.”
Was that potion wearing off? “Seriously?”
“Yes. I want the one that has you in my arms in the papers, and I want a proper announcement. I don’t want some eager blonde rookie bimbo spouting off at the mouth about something she clearly doesn’t understand. No one understands my heart better than you…and I want the entire world to know!”
Whatever hope was left for sanity was shoved out of Clark’s ear to land on the floor with his brain. He moaned pathetically to himself and resigned himself to a night that he’d be glued to a giggling Bruce until the man went to sleep.
“…did you just call the rookie a bimbo?”
Bruce smiled and silenced him with a possessive kiss. Maybe he should have warned the boys about this…mild violent side…but, twenty four hours of this couldn’t be quite so bad as to ring the alarms.
“…this is most disturbing.”
Let it never be said that women didn’t have their strange sense of humor. Ivy certainly had a strange sense of it, not that she could or would think it strange more than useful. J’onn stared between her and the vile in his hands, and then over at Oliver and John sitting in one another’s company trying not to giggle insanely at the feed they’d heard. Oliver had slipped a little listening device on Bruce during their little scuffle thanks to a short but brief mental request from J’onn. He didn’t understand why until they’d tuned in a little while later and heard firsthand what a romantic closet case sounded like. They understood that it was an effect of the potion, but this was just a little much even for Bruce.
J’onn was still on the outs about human behavior in general so it wasn’t so weird to him. However, he was concerned about what she’d mixed in this vile and what it was going to do to Bruce for the next twenty four hours. If what he was reading was correct, then Clark was in for a wild ride until the exact moment it wore off.
No one could pay him enough to deal with that, not even if it meant the revival of his entire race.
“What’s the story J’onn?” Oliver asked.
J’onn glared at the woman sitting idly in her temporary green prison. “You’re still sitting down, right?”
Clark was used to feeling the sun waking him for the day. His body was set to wake at the first sun of his source of energy hitting his skin, the warmth rousing him from a good sleep if there wasn’t some crisis in the middle of the night. Someone really should write an etiquette book about when was an appropriate time to have a crisis or take over the world just so he could sleep longer through the night. Thankfully there wasn’t one last night, so he rolled over a bit and buried himself deeper into his sheets. The sun hadn’t hit him yet and he wasn’t about to get up before that happened.
“Clark, my love….rise and shine….”
Good sleep took a back seat to the voice calling him out of his drowsiness so fast that his eyes had whiplash when he snapped them open. Bruce…last night….
Shit he’d fallen asleep!
“Uh…”
“Come on beloved…wake for me. I have your breakfast waiting for you.”
There was a soft loving kiss lain on his bare shoulder before he turned over again. He was assaulted with the scent of morning, aftershave and the soft musk that was Bruce pressing into him and making it hard to think past the kiss stolen from his half aware lips. His mind did snap back to how he was shirtless in the first place, and how convincing Bruce could be when Clark’s mind was half asleep from automatic shutdown mode. It was simple really. Night came, time for sleep. Sun rose, time to get up.
He’d fallen asleep to the sounds of the night mingling with the soothing caress of soft hands over his chest, admiring every ripple, divot, and plane of muscle with thoughtful strokes. Bruce had dropped his head on his chest and simply laid there, a nice small smile on his face and holding Clark as if he were the pillow of his dreams. Clark had tried his best to keep his eyes open and slip away when Bruce was out cold, but he forgot to take into account that Bruce was a night owl who lived on coffee, had it infused in his blood, and could outdo an insomniac when the time called for it.
Bruce settled in his arms, the soft pop of their lips parting the only sound aside their breathing. Clark stared up at him, tempted to shove his hair out of his eyes. “Did you sleep last night?”
“Splendidly well, yes,” Bruce answered. “It was the best sleep I’ve had in a long time. Thank you for asking…you’re always so thoughtful…”
And the potion was still in effect. Sugar coated clouds anyone?
Another kiss was lain on his cheek before Bruce removed himself and walked over to a small tray he’d placed at the edge of the bed. Clark only had to smell it to know what it was and he couldn’t have dropped his jaw any further if he tried. It was a southern breakfast, a REAL southern breakfast loaded with everything that wasn’t healthy and possibly the reason some of the older people he knew at home died happily. Real biscuits, white pepper country gravy, smoked sausage, eggs the way he liked them…and real whipped butter on the side with a tall glass of orange juice and two mugs of coffee. One of those mugs was for Bruce.
The billionaire settled the tray on Clark’s lap and took his mug. He sat on his side and leaned against him, humming happily as he watched Clark tuck into the free meal before him. Maybe this wasn’t so bad…
“Oh, we’re leaving in an hour,” Bruce said. Clark swallowed the piece of biscuit in his mouth and stared. “I’m coming with you to work today.”
“T-that’s not…”
“Oh, but it is. I know that it’s Saturday but I made some calls last night to make sure nothing came out until Monday. I wanted to make sure everything is perfect, and that when the announcement was made, it was made properly. I still have to woo you, darling…and I plan to do just that.”
That fluffy piece of heaven in his mouth felt like lead in his belly. Bruce? At his job? Today? Clark made a mental recap of who would be working today and nearly choked when he remembered that Lois was supposed to be working this weekend…and that blonde rookie bimbo had taken photos of it all! SHIT!
“Whoa, slow down love,” Bruce said. He reached up and wiped a piece of gravy from the side of his lip with his thumb, sucking it softly from his finger without knowing the effect it was having on Clark. “Everything’s been taken care of…just eat breakfast. I promise today will be fine.”
Clark couldn’t keep himself from asking the obvious. “…what did you do?”
“Oh nothing…I might have…promised a sure and painful consequence to anyone who thought about running that story without my say so…but it was nothing serious.”
Nothing serious in Bruce’s book was not a good thing in Clark’s own. He ate at a moderate pace, trying desperately to figure out how he was going to fix this before it got out of hand.
“Oh, and I paid off your lease.”
“You what?!”
“I paid off your lease. I figured if I was moving to metropolis part time that we’d need a bigger space…I have a realtor looking even as we speak.” Clark’s slack mouth was kissed, and the adorable look Bruce gave him almost made him forget WHY he was freaking out. “Darling, all I want to do is spend every waking moment with you…and if I have to blow all my money to do so, then so be it.”
Now…it had officially gotten out of hand…and he still had most of the day to deal with this love sick Bruce.
It could be worse…At least he’s not telling me he’s considering signing everything over in my name.
“I’ve already done that.”
Had he said that aloud? “Wait, WHAT?!”
“I’ve put in the paperwork so that you own half of everything I own. We’re equals, and my love is greater than my money. I just want us to be happy…and I want you to have everything I have.”
Clark kept staring at the top of Bruce’s content head when it fell on his shoulder once more. Just what the hell did Ivy put in that potion?!
And damn it, it couldn’t possibly be murder if he sprayed her down with Weed Be Gone.
...it just gets stranger. :)