Massive Update is Massive
Hi, guys. Sorry I haven't written in a while.
Life has been a general mess.
It hurts, not being able to express how you feel about someone. Knowing that they love you, too, that they're so close, but you can't be together due to circumstances that neither of you can help. And you're told this is the way things need to be, you keep telling yourself that this is the way things have to be, and even if you know it's what she says and it can't be changed, your mind keeps rebelling, you keep bringing it up, you hate yourself for it.
It hurts when, even when you ask or bring it up or say how much it hurts, you're reminded again that you have to be friends. Only friends. Friends don't kiss or touch or share affections that cause hearts to flutter merely thinking about the words, let alone typing them; even if they're so far away you're madly in love with this person, you can't stop thinking about this person, you feel a connection with them unlike any other. I take every little touch or affection I can get with glee.
When... I talk to her it feels like I really connect, on a level I didn't think was possible for me. I've always been the funny girl, fun to talk to, etc, but I don't really talk about my problems often. That might be my problem but I also don't really feel able to open up. But with her I have no problem with that at all. It's incredible.
I've had relationships before, yes. Brief, fleeting moments of sexual tension with Kai when I thought there was something more there, and the bit with Riel that never really felt like a relationship, complicated by my raging hormones that were left largely unsated by a man who had never once mentioned my vagina in some six months (if I recall?) of dating. Crushes, yes, numerous. But God, I have never felt like this, it has never been like this. I've never had my breath catch in my throat, I've never felt a shudder just from reading words. I think it's honestly the first time I've ever truly been in love.
This is all further fucked up by another friend's feelings - a friend who confessed to me that she was madly goddamn in love with me. It's painful and awkward (as well as painfully awkward) to tell someone who would throw themselves in traffic for you that the feeling is not returned; doubly so, explaining that I really highly doubt I will like them anytime soon (I felt like a jerk saying it, but she was getting her hopes up and I didn't want her to be hurt more by that) and, no, I do not give pity relationships to those I am not attracted to.
So, I've been having mixed feelings, and I've felt more depressed lately, but I'm trying to get into the habit of regular exercise so hopefully that will help. Thankfully my hypochondria has hidden itself away for the time being; it's been a while since my last panic attack, and while certain tendencies linger, it's mostly gone.
I bought Pokemon Pearl. It's cool. I have seven badges.
My father bought a motorcycle. Apparently he used to ride them a lot back in the day, so now he has one again and he's loving the hell out of it. I can't wait til he gets his license - he has his permit, and until he gets his license it's illegal for him to ride with a passenger or at night. I'm looking forward to riding with him. My brother got his motorcycle and permit as well, for his eighteenth birthday which was a little while ago - a smaller, fast son of a bitch Suzuki.
I had a particularly disturbing dream in which I was tortured in multiple gruesome ways, too wretched to detail here. That'll probably haunt me for a little while. Who knew one's subconscious was so fucked up? Mine, at the least.
CSI last week was nucking futs. I'm pretty sure the ending was a red herring, though.
Life has been a general mess.
It hurts, not being able to express how you feel about someone. Knowing that they love you, too, that they're so close, but you can't be together due to circumstances that neither of you can help. And you're told this is the way things need to be, you keep telling yourself that this is the way things have to be, and even if you know it's what she says and it can't be changed, your mind keeps rebelling, you keep bringing it up, you hate yourself for it.
It hurts when, even when you ask or bring it up or say how much it hurts, you're reminded again that you have to be friends. Only friends. Friends don't kiss or touch or share affections that cause hearts to flutter merely thinking about the words, let alone typing them; even if they're so far away you're madly in love with this person, you can't stop thinking about this person, you feel a connection with them unlike any other. I take every little touch or affection I can get with glee.
When... I talk to her it feels like I really connect, on a level I didn't think was possible for me. I've always been the funny girl, fun to talk to, etc, but I don't really talk about my problems often. That might be my problem but I also don't really feel able to open up. But with her I have no problem with that at all. It's incredible.
I've had relationships before, yes. Brief, fleeting moments of sexual tension with Kai when I thought there was something more there, and the bit with Riel that never really felt like a relationship, complicated by my raging hormones that were left largely unsated by a man who had never once mentioned my vagina in some six months (if I recall?) of dating. Crushes, yes, numerous. But God, I have never felt like this, it has never been like this. I've never had my breath catch in my throat, I've never felt a shudder just from reading words. I think it's honestly the first time I've ever truly been in love.
This is all further fucked up by another friend's feelings - a friend who confessed to me that she was madly goddamn in love with me. It's painful and awkward (as well as painfully awkward) to tell someone who would throw themselves in traffic for you that the feeling is not returned; doubly so, explaining that I really highly doubt I will like them anytime soon (I felt like a jerk saying it, but she was getting her hopes up and I didn't want her to be hurt more by that) and, no, I do not give pity relationships to those I am not attracted to.
So, I've been having mixed feelings, and I've felt more depressed lately, but I'm trying to get into the habit of regular exercise so hopefully that will help. Thankfully my hypochondria has hidden itself away for the time being; it's been a while since my last panic attack, and while certain tendencies linger, it's mostly gone.
I bought Pokemon Pearl. It's cool. I have seven badges.
My father bought a motorcycle. Apparently he used to ride them a lot back in the day, so now he has one again and he's loving the hell out of it. I can't wait til he gets his license - he has his permit, and until he gets his license it's illegal for him to ride with a passenger or at night. I'm looking forward to riding with him. My brother got his motorcycle and permit as well, for his eighteenth birthday which was a little while ago - a smaller, fast son of a bitch Suzuki.
I had a particularly disturbing dream in which I was tortured in multiple gruesome ways, too wretched to detail here. That'll probably haunt me for a little while. Who knew one's subconscious was so fucked up? Mine, at the least.
CSI last week was nucking futs. I'm pretty sure the ending was a red herring, though.