it's kinda been a while
soooooo
i don't know why i'm back here exactly. but i think it's part of being honest with myself about who i am. to that end i have made all of my terrible entries public - so everyone knows how much i suck. also i did something stupid recently and i was exploring it on facebook and there was a link to a livejournal, and, and....uh, that's it.
someone yelled at me, more than two months ago, someone i don't even like, and he was completely out of line, but what he said really touched me in a way. granted he was asserting that i am an unethical person because of his strange judeo-christian bullshit sexual ethics that he doesn't even follow. but am i actually a bad person. i know i'm a complete bitch, and way too tactless and honest, and as i recently discovered horribly dishonest at the worst times. but i try to be genuine, and loyal, and i think i'm very loving. and isn't that enough? i care about other people, everyone, even people i hate, even people i sleep with. even the guy that that guy was yelling at me about. or i guess i like to think so, but then i do stupid horribly destructive things towards others because i guess i'm trying to be genuine. whats more important there? whatever, i guess i'm rambling. why is it that i can't ever give self-serving advice to someone i don't really like b/c they trust me, but i can trample on the affections of someone i do care about in someway. and then when i should let him go, because really i doubt i'll ever feel the same way, i pull him back. it's so effortless it feels genuine; or rather it feels like what i want. but really what i want is to be vindicated, to throw that affection in everybody else's face, or rather someone specific's face (someone i don't know or like very much and could easily never see again) and make it clear that no one can fuck me over or use me in his little pissing contest.
i want to say that i push away those i love, but really i push away those i almost love. i noticed that last time. so was i right not to trust him, or was not trusting him what made him lie to me. reading back over these old entries, i saw that around 1.5 years ago all i wanted was to not be in love. but i think what it really was was the anticipation of that emptiness that comes after the pain stops. the pain is really just that anticipation. and now i feel that way, despite everything that happened this summer and fall and all the pushing and pulling i did i've felt it since this time last year.
i'm just not that girl, for anyone, i'm always that other girl, that girl before or after or in between, and maybe that's why i avoid getting involved with people - i know i wont be that girl, no matter how much he thinks he loves me, i'll just be porn. so why did i do what i did today? deap down i must know that he could never ever have me - especially not after this. i'm way too proud to ever ever fuck him. i want to believe that at least most of me wants to hold on to him because he represents a hope, a possibility, that this upcoming summer will bring as much joy and much less heartbreak than the last one did.
god i sound like a complete fucking whiny emo whore. and this is completely not what i meant to say at all.
i don't know why i'm back here exactly. but i think it's part of being honest with myself about who i am. to that end i have made all of my terrible entries public - so everyone knows how much i suck. also i did something stupid recently and i was exploring it on facebook and there was a link to a livejournal, and, and....uh, that's it.
someone yelled at me, more than two months ago, someone i don't even like, and he was completely out of line, but what he said really touched me in a way. granted he was asserting that i am an unethical person because of his strange judeo-christian bullshit sexual ethics that he doesn't even follow. but am i actually a bad person. i know i'm a complete bitch, and way too tactless and honest, and as i recently discovered horribly dishonest at the worst times. but i try to be genuine, and loyal, and i think i'm very loving. and isn't that enough? i care about other people, everyone, even people i hate, even people i sleep with. even the guy that that guy was yelling at me about. or i guess i like to think so, but then i do stupid horribly destructive things towards others because i guess i'm trying to be genuine. whats more important there? whatever, i guess i'm rambling. why is it that i can't ever give self-serving advice to someone i don't really like b/c they trust me, but i can trample on the affections of someone i do care about in someway. and then when i should let him go, because really i doubt i'll ever feel the same way, i pull him back. it's so effortless it feels genuine; or rather it feels like what i want. but really what i want is to be vindicated, to throw that affection in everybody else's face, or rather someone specific's face (someone i don't know or like very much and could easily never see again) and make it clear that no one can fuck me over or use me in his little pissing contest.
i want to say that i push away those i love, but really i push away those i almost love. i noticed that last time. so was i right not to trust him, or was not trusting him what made him lie to me. reading back over these old entries, i saw that around 1.5 years ago all i wanted was to not be in love. but i think what it really was was the anticipation of that emptiness that comes after the pain stops. the pain is really just that anticipation. and now i feel that way, despite everything that happened this summer and fall and all the pushing and pulling i did i've felt it since this time last year.
i'm just not that girl, for anyone, i'm always that other girl, that girl before or after or in between, and maybe that's why i avoid getting involved with people - i know i wont be that girl, no matter how much he thinks he loves me, i'll just be porn. so why did i do what i did today? deap down i must know that he could never ever have me - especially not after this. i'm way too proud to ever ever fuck him. i want to believe that at least most of me wants to hold on to him because he represents a hope, a possibility, that this upcoming summer will bring as much joy and much less heartbreak than the last one did.
god i sound like a complete fucking whiny emo whore. and this is completely not what i meant to say at all.