Drowning in my thoughts....

[kittygracepanda]

I'm having a hard time and i'm not really sure why. Its weird you think you get over something and then one day it simply hits you in the face. I need to start writing in here more often cause i need a way to get my feelings out. I'm not sure why i'm sad, but i am. I don't know where my life is going but it seems to be spinning, atleast in my eyes. I have been seriously thinking about enlisting but after doing some research found out that i am not allowed to because i have asthma, which really sucks. I was hoping that i could join and that it would help me find some purpose in my life. I'm scared that i'm going to slip back into my high school days of being nothing, and feeling nothing all while being lost. And i truely don't want to but i'm not sure how to stop that. I don't remember what i did last time to stop it. I'm tired of school, and i hate being here rigth now, btu i know that i have to finish cause if i don't i will regret it for the rest of my life. I have no motivation, and i keep feeling my self falling into myself. It sucks. I kno i make no sense, but right now i just need to type. I feel like i want to hope in my car and drive to some crazy little town in the middle of no where and start over, cahnge my name, change my life. I mean disappear from the world that i know now, i want to be able to live simply and not worry about any fucking thing. i know it will never happen, and the more i think the more i wish that i was born into a family that lived some place like that. Stuck back in the past. I think i would like it better. I know that i can't disappear to many people would kill me. But i really want to.  I wish i didn't feel so alone, i know that i have my family and my friends, but i also know what i feel. And although i love my friends and family and charish them and am thankful to no end for them, at times they arn't enough. I don't kno how to fill that void. I feel like everyone around me is paired off and though we are all connected they are still subdivided into pairs. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this, but i know that i do. I know that its hard getting up and facing everyone everyday. I put on this pretty little smile, i'm good at that, i have done it for years. and i suppose that i have to continue to do it, until i don't anymore or can't. I was hoping to be able to escape from my thoughts, but i dont know where to hide, i mean the darkness only covers so much. I'm lost and drowning and i can't seem to get footage anymore, i will try. I mean i did it before, how hard could it be to surface. I know i want to be happy, but i'm not really sure i know how to be happy, i'm not sure i know what true happieness is. Maybe i'm just supposed to be in the shadows forever, maybe thats just where some peoples minds are, i'm sure i'm not the only one that feels like this, but it sure does seem like it at times, especially since everyoen around me seems so happy. I just want it to end.

~Marina~

...Show me what it's like to dream in black and white, so I can leave this world tonight...
...So here we are, fighting and trying to hide the scars. I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye. The lonely road, the one that I should try to walk alone...